Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[Amosquito]

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Blimey!," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

 

[Amosquito]

THE BEST HEADLINES

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work After Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

 

[Amosquito]

THE CHINESE WAY OF SPEAKING AMERICAN!
A Hokkien man with very poor, practically no English knowledge once
visited
the United States. His name happened to be: Teng Xiao Ping.

At The Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify
his true
Intention of coming to the US:-

First he was asked: "What is the last name of our first President?"
Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed
they must have asked him for his family name. So he replied: "Wa Sing
Teng."
(in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng).

The officer heard "Washington!" same sound) so passed him off the
first question.

Second question was: "What do you come to the US for?" This time the
Hokkienese thought, naturally he would be asked of his first name. So
he replied: "Xiao Ping." The officer heard of:

"Shopping!" so nodded and proceeded with his third question.

"What car do you drive back home?" The tourist thought he was asked of
his marital status, so he exclaimed: "Wa Bo Bo." (in Hokkien meaning I
have no wife). And the officer heard "Volvo!" So smiled with
compliment and asked again. The fourth question was: "Who is the most
popular basket ball player here in the US?" By this time our Hokkien
friend was getting a
bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted: "Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan." (meaning
don't let me wait
any longer). The officer heard of: "Michael Jordan!"

With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer
let him passed without further harassment.

 

[Amosquito]

Two men walk into a pet shop in Dingle, Ireland.
They head to the bird section, and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. Yeah, we'll
take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor's Pass.

At Connor's Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says,"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes the birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says,

"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

 

[Amosquito]

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor's Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff,
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis" Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.


Seamus continues to plummet down and down, until he hits the
bottom, and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

 

[Amosquito]

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends, when Sean
O'Driscoll appears.

He's also been to the pet shop, and is carrying a paper bag out of which
he pulls a chicken.

Sean O'Driscoll then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears
down and down, until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head in disbelief, "Fook dat, lads.
Dese adventure sports are too dangerous for me ....first dere was Gerry
with his budgie jumping, ... den Seamus and his parrotshooting, and now
Sean and his fook'n hengliding.

 

[Amosquito]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

 

[Amosquito]

How to make a woman happy *

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a
man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Athletic
25. Sympathetic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO NEVER FORGET:

53. Birthdays
54. Anniversaries
55. Arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring beer.

 

[Amosquito]

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

 

[Amosquito]

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian was drinking at a bar
discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all
over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with
the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours,
phenomenal!

How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

Indian : "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

 

[wathecrap]

The psychiatrist

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist.

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

How much do you charge?'

Eighty pounds per visit,' replied the expert.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later, he met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty quid a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'


FORGET THOSE LEARNED DOCTORS..

GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.

 

[hornylee]

Four monks decided to go into silence for a month.
They sarted out well enoughbut after the first day one monk said,
"I wonder if I locked the door of my cell at the monastery before we set out."


Another monk said, "You fool! We decided to keep silence for a month
and now you have gone and broken it!"


A third monk said, "What about you? You have broken it too!"


Said the fourth, "Thank God I'm the only one who hasn't spoken yet!"

 

[hornylee]

General Musharaf, President of Pakistan was awoken at 4am by the telephone.
Minister: "Jannab, its the Minister of Health here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Rawalpindi has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Pakistani supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."

Musharaf: "What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

Minister: "We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad..."

Musharaf: " Afghanistan ...?"

Minister: "No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"

Musharaf: "What about India ?"

Minister: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know that we are stuck."

Musharaf: "Call the Indian Prime Minister, Singh - tell him we need one million condoms; colored gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big the Pakis really are!!"

The Minister of Health called Singh as instructed by Musharaf, who agreed to help the Pakis out in their hour of need. Three days later a flight arrived in Islamabad full of boxes. A delighted Gen. Musharaf rushed out to open the boxes. He found condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored green and gold. He then noticed in small writing on each and every one.....

MADE IN INDIA ~ SIZE: SMALL

 

[Amosquito]

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, Gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

 

[Amosquito]

Two very elderly friends, Max and Gus, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One
day Gus didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe
he had a cold or some such.

But after Gus hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried.
The only time they spent together was at the park, and Max couldn't
remember where Gus said he lived, so he was unable to find out what
had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Gus had gone to his heavenly reward,
but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Gus!

Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he
said, "For crying out loud Gus, what happened to you???"

"I have been in jail," Gus replied.
"Jail?" cried Max, "What in the world for?"

"Well," Gus said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah" said Max, "I
remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she
charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an
old goat like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pleaded
'Guilty'."

"The judge took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

 

[Amosquito]

Medical Distinctions
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions
- Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both
ultimately result in death.

 

[sirus]

Comic 1 liner:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


And the all-time favorite -


35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

[looneytan]

A school inspector is sent to assess a primary 6 class in a school somewhere in the east...

He is introduced to the class by the teacher. She says to the class, "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question".

The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a biblical question. "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho ?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. Eventually, little Kim Leng raises his hand, stands up and replies:
"Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn't me".

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and the lack of knowledge of the famous bible story and he looks at the teacher for an explanation.

Realising that he is perturbed, the teacher says "Well, I've known Kim Leng since the start of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it".

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies:
"I don't know Kim Leng, but I believe his teacher. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent".

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing he grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage, dials the minister and rattles off the entire occurrence to him and asks him what he thinks of the education standard in the Singapore.

Minister Heng sighs heavily and replies:

"I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal and frankly I don't even hear of the school before, but just get three quotations and have the bloody wall fixed lah, alamak!"

 

[sirus]

This is a fun puzzle. You may have done this before. If so, see how many you remember!
Enjoy!!!!!!!

This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking ..
Scroll down slowly and try to be honest.











man
1. ------------
board








Ans. = man overboard




Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.






stand
2. ------------
i








Ans. = I understand






OK . Got the drift ?




Let's try a few now and see how
you fare ?





3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/




Ans. = reading between the lines









4.
r
road
a
d







Ans. = cross road





Not having a good day now, are you ?

Redeem yourself.





5. cycle
cycle
cycle








Ans. = tricycle





Not easy to figure out ha!





0
6. ------------
M..D.
Ph.D.








Ans. = two degrees below zero




C'mon give it a little thought ! !






7. knee
light








Ans. = neon light


( knee - on - light )






U can prove u r smart by getting this one.





ground
8. ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet









Ans. = six feet underground




Oh no, not again ! !





9. he's X himself








Ans. = he's by himself




Now u messing up big time.





10. ecnalg





Ans. = backward glance





Not even close ! !





11. death ....... life








Ans. = life after death





Okay last chance ....................


12. THINK









Ans. = think big ! !





And the last one is - - -





13. abababababababababababababababababababab...







Ans. = long time no 'C'

 

[yinyang]

1st Xmas greeting :p