Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[bullseye]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
> their localpolice station where they saw pictures tacked to
a bulletin board of the10 most wanted criminals One of the
youngsters pointed to a picture andasked if it really was
the photo of a wanted person.'Yes,' said the
policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to
capturehim.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't
you keep him when you took his picture ?

 

[bullseye]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as hisfather moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down thehorse's legs and rump, and
chest.After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are
you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when
I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are
healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny,
looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants
to buy Mom '

 

[bullseye]

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
" Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !! "


When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

 

[bullseye]

A little boy went up to his father and asked : "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "
His father replied :
" Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine. "


Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
" Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "
The mother wrote back the next day :
" If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father ! "

 

[bullseye]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
> parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The nextday
> the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.Ashley
> said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens...One
> time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of
> the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got
> broken.''What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.'Don't put
> all your eggs in one basket!''Very good,' said the teacher.Next little
> Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too..But we
> raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
> when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moralto this
> story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.''That was
> a fine story Sarah.'Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?''Yes.
> My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Pat who was a RAF
> flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She
> had
> to bailout over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky,
> a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down soit
> wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 Iraqi
> soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
> out of ammunition.Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the
> blade broke.And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.''Good
> heavens, that's some story,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of
> moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?''Stay the f**k
> away from Aunty Pat when she's been drinking.'

 

[bullseye]

From the hallowed halls of Chicago's city hall we have this message:

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now , I'm going to Rome next week an d I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer bloody candle.'

 

[bullseye]

Two blokes are in the change room when one notices his mate
> putting on a pair of womens knickers. The bloke knows his
> mate to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious
> about his sudden change in fashion sense so he says to him.
> 'I didn't know you were into women's
> knickers.'
> 'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an item
> of clothing his mate replies sheepishly.' His friend
> falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
> prods him to ask, 'So, how long have you been wearing
> them?' 'Ever since my wife found them in my glove
> box.'
> (I always wondered how this trend got started.)
>

 

[bullseye]

'A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his
> drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making bikie
> steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one
> swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if
> to say, What'cha gonna do about it? The poor little guy
> starts crying.
>
>
> 'Come on man,' the bikie says. 'I didn't
> think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man
> crying.'
>
> 'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little
> guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I
> overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss
> fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car
> was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
> wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with
> the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar
> trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and
> then you show up and drink my damn poison.'

 

[bullseye]

Always take notice of the Cab Driver
>
> A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got
> into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While
> en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a
> witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair,
> and he intended to catch her in the act.For $100, the cabby
> agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the
> cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on
> the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife
> in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the
> naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do
> it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told
> you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave
> you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your
> season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. He paid for our house
> at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and
> he even pays for the monthly dues!'Shaking his head
> from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.. He
> looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you
> do?' The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with
> that blanket before he catches a cold.'

 

[bullseye]

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.


Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.


Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.


Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?


Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.


Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.


Young cock :

O.K. What kind of competition?


Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.


Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.


Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.


Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.


Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"





.

 

[bullseye]

Math's Teacher: If you have
12 Chocolates and you
Give 5 to
Lilian,
3 to Marianne and
4 to Patty

Then what will u get????
Student:

3 New Girlfriends

Mam!!!

 

[Amosquito]

good stuff and i'm not even halfway thru.

 

[bullseye]

THE BOSS

Who's in Charge? All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who the one in charge was.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The as$hole is usually in charge !!

 

[yinyang]

 

[yinyang]

 

[Akechi Mitsuhide]

Hahahahahaha

 

[8868]

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.

"Doctor I think I have the crabs."

"When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks.

"I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied.

The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.

After the examination he said, "I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don't have the crabs. The bad news is you've got fruit flies."

"Fruit flies?" asks granny.

"Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."

 

[8868]

Golfers Only......


'Honey, can I go to Bangkok with my friends to play golf for a week? '

The reaction will depend on the level of trust she has in you:

1) Complete trust:
'Sure, go and have a good time with your friends. I heard the golf courses there are fantastic. I'll book the flight and hotel for you'.

2) Incomplete trust with a benefit of a doubt
' Yes but please confined to the 18 holes on the golf course and have plenty of rest at night'

3) Incomplete trust with one eye closed
' Don't do anything which I would not approve'

4) No trust at all but has accepted the reality
' I'll pack the condom and viagra for you. Be careful, you are not young anymore'

5) No trust and high level of suspicion
' I will also go and keep you company at night'

6) Absolutely no trust
'Of course you can but first let me do this..........'

See pic below...

 

[looneytan]

Hahahahahaha

you are lucky singwed is not here, otherwise he will zap you for laughing at him

 

[yinyang]

Some FAQs from uncle Sam (no, not bossy):p

Sometime next year, we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment.* This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

*

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will* go to China or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the* Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by doing one of the following:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer, or
5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

So, in conclusion, the best way to keep American money on American soil:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

*

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

*