Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[hornylee]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally
time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation
regarding
how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living
arrangements
and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"*

 

[hornylee]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000
and
feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk,
"I
hope
you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl
the
very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."

"Nope, I'm 47."

Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore
on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and
asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but,thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I
was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very
forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then I
can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of
her.

She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of
his
hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around
very
slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay,
okay,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says,
"Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you
tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

No, I won't get mad", she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[hornylee]

There once was a postman who had delivered the mail to the same
neighborhood and the
same route for over 35years.
This was to be his last day before he retired.
He neared the last house on the route, which happened
to be the home of Judy, a 35 year old married woman named Judy with a
somewhat questionable
reputation. As he walked up the steps to the front door, Judy greeted
him in
a very
sexy and thin red teddy with lace. "Is this your last day, postman?"
She
asked in
a low and sultry voice. He could barely nod his reply. "Y-yes, I am
retiring
today."
He managed to stammer. "Well, come in for a minute won't you?" And how
could
he refuse?
They spent hours in heated sex. After wards, Judy fixed him a
breakfast of
steak and
eggs, hashbrowns, the works. And then as the postman was dressing and
getting ready to
leave, Judy handed him a farewell card, in which he found 5 dollars.
At this point, the postman gave her a somewhat puzzled look and said,
"I don't get it, Judy, first you fuck my brains out, then you cook me
a
breakfast
fit for a king, and then you only give me 5 dollars??? What's up with
that?"

"Well."said Judy. "Last night I told my husband you were retiring, And
I
asked him
what we should do. He said 'Fuck him, give him 5 dollars.' The
breakfast was
my idea."

 

[hornylee]

Some Quotations for Bachelors
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her. (Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
(Hemant Joshi)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving
them.
(Dumas)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want? (Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
(Anonymous)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
(Henry Youngman)

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

(Sam Kinison)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage." (James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't." (Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong,
admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. (Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once... (Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
(Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney
Dangerfield).

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
(Milton Berle).

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

(Anonymous)

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine." (Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."

 

[hornylee]

*A man with stomach pains goes to the hospital. The doctor tells him
it's
constipation and that he'll need to use suppositories. The man is
instructed
to drop his pants and bend over, whereupon the doctor shoves the
tablet up
his behind. *
*
"You'll have to do the same thing every six hours for a week," says
the
doctor.

Later that evening, the man is having difficulty inserting another
suppository and decides to ask his wife for help. He tells her what to
do,
then drops his pants and bends over. She proceeds to put one hand on
his
shoulder and with the other shoves the suppository home.
**
"Damn!" screams the man.

"What's the matter?" she asks. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," he replies, "but I just realized that the doctor had both hands
on my
shoulder"

*

 

[hornylee]

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear
Bright
Until You Hear Them Speak.

7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The
Cheese.

13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.

22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.

23. Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously
Overlooked Something.

26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet
Engines.

32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.

34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.

35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What
Happened.

37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall
Off.

 

[yinyang]

Coloured!

 

[erection2015]

Little Johnny asked his mother, what the 2 words mean, that kids at school were using ..... Pussy and Bitch.

His mother inhaled sharply, but then said, " Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy "

He then found his Dad out in the garage. " Dad, the guys at school are using words, I don't understand "

" What words, son ? "

" Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings "

Dad said, " Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this "

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said,

" Son, everything inside the circle is pussy "

" Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch ? "

Dad replied: " Everything outside the circle !!! "

 

[erection2015]

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was
in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on
one side and kept a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran
towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and
kept some bread . The male rat ran towards the bread. This experiment
went on with the professor changing the food every time.

And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never
towards the female rat. Professor said: This experiment shows that
food is the greatest strength and attraction.

Then, one of the students from the back rows said:- "Sir, why don't
you change the female rat? She may be his wife!

 

[failpsle]

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

 

[failpsle]

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

 

[failpsle]

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"

 

[failpsle]

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

 

[failpsle]

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since almost all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

 

[yinyang]

Latest idea from women in Europe to fend off muslim tikors:p

 

[yinyang]

Nostalgia with a bit of fun. Loos from past, night soil man

 

[yinyang]

Before calculators, slide rule and algorithm tables

Susu ah neh

Roti man before NTUC

Kachang puteh

Before mobile and pagers

 

[mamadrama]

WHY DO WOMEN WEAR PANTIES ??

BY LAW:

ACCORDING TO municipal law, all MAN-HOLES MUST BE COVERED WHEN NOT IN USE ....

 

[mamadrama]

At 8 : you take her to bed and tell her a story

 

[mamadrama]

At 18 : You tell ehr a story and take her to bed