Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[hornylee]

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, a seafaring gentleman
all
his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, when he did pass away, the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and
loaded
onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do you think this is far
enough out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing
in
water up to his knees.

"This'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water
is
only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do you think this is far enough out, Paddy?"

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No,
this'll
never do." The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side
and
disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself
into a
state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it is, hand me the shovel"!!

 

[hornylee]

My friend had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting.

The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help

The golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, Why are you back in early ?

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where',he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance must be too
wide.

 

[hornylee]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest
of me
life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the
pub for
the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best
toast of
the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' *
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside
me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the
other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

 

[hornylee]

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them
while
driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a
referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right
and
the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but
they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you
get
tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she
agrees
with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father
seldom
gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done
it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk
because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between
address
books.

 

[hornylee]

Deer Meat

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and
his
wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but
will
give
them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'it's what mommy calls me sometimes.'

The little girl screams to her brother, 'Don't eat it, it's an
asshole.'

 

[hornylee]

The outsourcing of business is getting out of hand !

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Suicide
Help
Hotline. I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan .

I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at
this news
and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane . .

 

[hornylee]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6 Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't
1. Think you can get me off?

 

[hornylee]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, ARE NOT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

 

[hornylee]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, ARE NOT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip!
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

 

[yinyang]

Wny women cannot fix cars

 

[hornylee]

*Survey

100,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best
about getting "Oral Sex":

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

 

[hornylee]

ON A ROPE** *

*Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and
1
woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided
that 1 had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They
weren't
able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching
speech. She
said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she
was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men
in
general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in
return.**

As soon as she finished her speech, *all the men started
clapping ........*

 

[hornylee]

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the
doctors
needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.Because the
gentleman
had a rare type of blood, it couldn 't be found locally. So the call
went
out to a number of countries. ** *

*Finally, a Jew was located who had similar type of the blood who
willingly
donated his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the
Jew a
thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond
and a
new RollsRoyce car as a token of his appreciation. ** *

*Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once
again.*
* *

*His doctors telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his
blood
again.* * *

*After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card and
a jar
of Almond Roca sweets. The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this
time
did not reciprocate much the Jew's kind gesture as he had done
previously.
** *

*So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his
appreciation
in not so generous manner.* * *

*The Arab replied "Ya habibi, I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?"*

 

[hornylee]

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The
view was
fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. *

* "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why, in
Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there
goes
out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he
will
buy the 5th drink for you." *

* "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman
there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two." *

* "Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's
Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you
a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had
enough
drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on
the
house." *

* "Blimey!," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
*

* "Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did
happen
to me sister." *

**

 

[hornylee]

Written On The T-Shirt Of A Girl:
SITUATORY WARNING:
Objects Inside The T-Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear From Outside.

~~~~~~~~~
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train
to New
Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

~~~~~~
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
commotion
in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,
"Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
a
scotch and soda."

~~~~~~~
Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power.
He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power.
But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power.

~~~~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

~~~~~~
Little Susie came running into the house after school one
day,shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and
20 in
science."

~~~~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

~~~~~~~
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .
~~~~~~~~
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

~~~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

~~~~~~~
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game
went
into extra time.
~~~~~~~
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
' How long has what been going on?' said the man.

~~~~~~~
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
~~~~~~~~
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

~~~~~~~~
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two
days
time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

 

[hornylee]

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his
father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

--

 

[hornylee]

Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,
please sanction me one-week leave."

***************

This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the
"mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

***************

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

***************

>From H.A.L. Administration Dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,
please grant me 10 days leave."

***************

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not
return, please grant me half day casual leave"

***************

An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday"

***************

A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I
request you to leave me today"

***************

Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

***************

Covering note:
"I am enclosed here with..."

***************

Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below"

***************

Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at
home I may be granted leave".

***************

Letter writing:
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

***************

A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an
Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both (!!) for the past several
years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for
the post."

 

[hornylee]

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up,
ready to
go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As
he's
reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her
special
area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval
before
returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more
aroused
and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before
going
further, Gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your
clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was
foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

 

[hornylee]

Medical Distinctions

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions
- Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since
both
ultimately result in death.

 

[hornylee]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a Nursing
home.
Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him
in a
Jewish home.*
*
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for
you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents
here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in
20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench
in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years ! old. He hasn't been
practicing
medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.
"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me
'The
f**king Arab!"