Q: I AM in my mid-30s and married to M, a conservative Catholic. Four years ago, I got drunk at a party. M took me home and lost her virginity to me that night.
She cried and asked me to take responsibility for what I had done, or she would make me regret it my whole life. Faced with no choice, I married her.
Since then, M has helped me a few times financially. I hardly love her so it makes me feel that I owe her more.
We’ve never had a good sex life as I do not enjoy being intimate with her. Her strong body odour disgusts me.
Two years ago, M suffered from sexual dysfunction. We often quarrelled because she refused to see a doctor. We both agreed to end our marriage then, but our parents did not allow it.
Last year, M insisted on having a baby but tests showed that she is infertile. After spending thousands on in-vitro fertilisation (IVF), she is now six months’ pregnant.
I met my colleague, A, two years ago. She is single and seven years my junior. We both work in the sales department and she knows I’m married.
We’re in an intimate relationship and enjoy every moment together.
A is from a broken family and does not agree with my idea of divorcing M. She said my child will be the biggest victim.
She complains that I don’t understand how she feels.
Through A, I was infected with herpes and chlamydia. I am under medication and do not want to transmit anything to M. She is innocent and I owe her so much. But if I were to tell her, I know she will ask for a divorce. I have to wait until the baby is born as I don’t want M to suffer from pre- or post-natal depression.
Recently, I noticed some change in A. T, a new colleague, is aggressively pursuing her. A said she’s giving T a chance because I don’t fully belong to her and she’s not my priority. She said she feels guilty about being the third party in my family, and how others look at us.
I told her about the sexually transmitted diseases we have but she is more concerned about sales targets.
Should I tell M about my STD? Should I agree to a divorce? Should I give up my true love for A and continue living with M because of the child? Does A still truly love me?
Confused
A: YOU have never loved M. You felt threatened and were trapped into a marriage you were not ready for. Now both of you have to suffer the consequences.
Marrying out of fear and obligation is always the worst option. In your heart, you will always blame M for your misery and unhappiness. You feel justified about having an affair because you abhor the woman who shares your bed. You blame her body odour for your lack of passion and sexual intimacy.
Why do you think she suffers from sexual dysfunction? She must sense your disgust and repulsion each time you have sex.
And there will never be love and fulfilment in your marriage because you are emotionally void towards your wife.
So why did you agree to IVF and a baby? You were a coward who succumbed to lust and then fear. You took M’s virginity but didn’t have the guts to tell her you didn’t love her enough to marry her. You gave in but cheated on your wife and betrayed her trust.
You took her money when you needed help but feel weighed down by the responsibility of being her husband. You found every excuse to exonerate your weak, bad behaviour by shifting the blame to your wife.
Be a man and face up to responsibility and reality. You are afraid that A does not truly love you, especially now that there is another man in her life. In your heart, you know A has been sleeping around as your STD proves. But leaving M and losing A are not exactly what you have in mind.
Until you are assured that you have A, you will hesitate to tell M about your STD as you know she will seek a divorce. Pretending that you care about M and the baby, and worrying that she may suffer post-natal depression does not seem sincere. If you love A, stop faking concern for M.
Do the right thing and stop hiding behind pretence and denial. M deserves better than your lies and deceit.
Allow her the dignity of truth so that she has the chance to start again. And if you should choose to stay, then you must make your marriage work.
Seek medical help and counselling so that sex can be pleasurable for you and your wife. Do not allow the past to shadow your marriage or you will always blame your wife for your regrets and unhappiness.
She cried and asked me to take responsibility for what I had done, or she would make me regret it my whole life. Faced with no choice, I married her.
Since then, M has helped me a few times financially. I hardly love her so it makes me feel that I owe her more.
We’ve never had a good sex life as I do not enjoy being intimate with her. Her strong body odour disgusts me.
Two years ago, M suffered from sexual dysfunction. We often quarrelled because she refused to see a doctor. We both agreed to end our marriage then, but our parents did not allow it.
Last year, M insisted on having a baby but tests showed that she is infertile. After spending thousands on in-vitro fertilisation (IVF), she is now six months’ pregnant.
I met my colleague, A, two years ago. She is single and seven years my junior. We both work in the sales department and she knows I’m married.
We’re in an intimate relationship and enjoy every moment together.
A is from a broken family and does not agree with my idea of divorcing M. She said my child will be the biggest victim.
She complains that I don’t understand how she feels.
Through A, I was infected with herpes and chlamydia. I am under medication and do not want to transmit anything to M. She is innocent and I owe her so much. But if I were to tell her, I know she will ask for a divorce. I have to wait until the baby is born as I don’t want M to suffer from pre- or post-natal depression.
Recently, I noticed some change in A. T, a new colleague, is aggressively pursuing her. A said she’s giving T a chance because I don’t fully belong to her and she’s not my priority. She said she feels guilty about being the third party in my family, and how others look at us.
I told her about the sexually transmitted diseases we have but she is more concerned about sales targets.
Should I tell M about my STD? Should I agree to a divorce? Should I give up my true love for A and continue living with M because of the child? Does A still truly love me?
Confused
A: YOU have never loved M. You felt threatened and were trapped into a marriage you were not ready for. Now both of you have to suffer the consequences.
Marrying out of fear and obligation is always the worst option. In your heart, you will always blame M for your misery and unhappiness. You feel justified about having an affair because you abhor the woman who shares your bed. You blame her body odour for your lack of passion and sexual intimacy.
Why do you think she suffers from sexual dysfunction? She must sense your disgust and repulsion each time you have sex.
And there will never be love and fulfilment in your marriage because you are emotionally void towards your wife.
So why did you agree to IVF and a baby? You were a coward who succumbed to lust and then fear. You took M’s virginity but didn’t have the guts to tell her you didn’t love her enough to marry her. You gave in but cheated on your wife and betrayed her trust.
You took her money when you needed help but feel weighed down by the responsibility of being her husband. You found every excuse to exonerate your weak, bad behaviour by shifting the blame to your wife.
Be a man and face up to responsibility and reality. You are afraid that A does not truly love you, especially now that there is another man in her life. In your heart, you know A has been sleeping around as your STD proves. But leaving M and losing A are not exactly what you have in mind.
Until you are assured that you have A, you will hesitate to tell M about your STD as you know she will seek a divorce. Pretending that you care about M and the baby, and worrying that she may suffer post-natal depression does not seem sincere. If you love A, stop faking concern for M.
Do the right thing and stop hiding behind pretence and denial. M deserves better than your lies and deceit.
Allow her the dignity of truth so that she has the chance to start again. And if you should choose to stay, then you must make your marriage work.
Seek medical help and counselling so that sex can be pleasurable for you and your wife. Do not allow the past to shadow your marriage or you will always blame your wife for your regrets and unhappiness.
Is this a case of chao cheebye?
