Jokes To Share

[Windsor]

The Wine Taster

---

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking to replace him. An unkempt, unwashed, unshaven and unsavory drunkard was the first applicant. The prospective employer wondered how to send him away without appearing to be too insensitive.

With his secretary by his side he gave him a glass of wine to drink. The tramp sniffed the glass, twirled it, took a sip, and then announced, "It's a Muscat... three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable." Another glass was proffered.

The drunk observed, "It's a cabernet... eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results." The boss and his secretary are becoming bemused by this and, although they still wanted him to leave, they offered a third glass.

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk calmly concluded.The director was astonished. He was almost at a loss about what to do next when his secretary whispered in his ear. He nodded at her suggestion. She left the room. In a few minutes, she returned with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it, cogitated, smiled and said: "It's a blonde... 26 years old, three months pregnant...AND if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

 

[Ramseth]

The Wine Taster

---

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking to replace him. An unkempt, unwashed, unshaven and unsavory drunkard was the first applicant. The prospective employer wondered how to send him away without appearing to be too insensitive.

With his secretary by his side he gave him a glass of wine to drink. The tramp sniffed the glass, twirled it, took a sip, and then announced, "It's a Muscat... three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable." Another glass was proffered.

The drunk observed, "It's a cabernet... eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results." The boss and his secretary are becoming bemused by this and, although they still wanted him to leave, they offered a third glass.

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk calmly concluded.The director was astonished. He was almost at a loss about what to do next when his secretary whispered in his ear. He nodded at her suggestion. She left the room. In a few minutes, she returned with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it, cogitated, smiled and said: "It's a blonde... 26 years old, three months pregnant...AND if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

The drunken applicant is Equalisation binya!

 

[Windsor]

The drunken applicant is Equalisation binya!

Equalisation knows nuts about wines. His diet is Heineken and ABC beer binya! Low crass!

 

[bullfrog]

How she can fart and still hold on to that thing sure beats me! But she must have talents!

View attachment 2165


Lady .... 'I bought a new stick deodorant today.'

'The instructions were to remove cap and push up bottom '

' Now I dont walk so good but whenever i fart the room smells lovely '

 

[bullfrog]

what do you call a red condom?








Little red riding hood.

 

[erection2015]

haha bro, she was supposed to have rammed it deep enough so that she didn't need to ' multi task '

How she can fart and still hold on to that thing sure beats me! But she must have talents!

 

[Equalisation]

The drunken applicant is Equalisation binya!

Eh kotek .... didn't go campaigning with your boss ah .... and do the childish hi-five ??

 

[Windsor]

This Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say,Mom," he asked, "why is my bigger brother named 'Mighty Storm'?"

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.",she replied.

"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"

"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied.

After a long pause, the mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?!"

 

[Windsor]

A reporter was asked by his editor to check on a story about a famous pig. He set off to look for the farmhouse which was several kilometres out of town. After some hours he arrived at the farmhouse.

As he was walking up the driveway toward the front door of the house, a pig with three legs caught his eye. It was just hobbling through the grass.

When the farmer answered the door and asked what he wanted, the reporter said he wanted to know all about the pig and why it was so famous.

"That pig is the most amazing pig in the land, son." The farmer said
"Last year, our house caught fire when we were all asleep and that pig ran in and woke us all up one by one and saved our lives!"

The reporter was surprised. "That is one special pig" He said.

The Farmer replied, "That's not all. Last summer, that pig jumped into the pond and dragged my drowning son to safety. He would have died."

The reporter was in disbelief as to how incredible this pig was. "One question. Why does he have 3 legs, is it from the fire?" He asked.


"No son, you see, with a good pig like that you just don't eat all at once."

 

[Windsor]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

 

[erection2015]

A professor at a university was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel of his students he asked

'how many of you believe in ghosts ?' About 90 hands went up.

' Well thats a good start. Next, how many of you believe or think you have seen a ghost ? ' About 40 hands went up.

'That's very nice. You guys are very participative . Now how many of you have actually talked to a ghost ? ' 10 hands went up

'Anyone ever touched a ghost? ' 3 hands went up.

' Thats fantastic. One last question .... anyone ever had sex with a ghost ?' At the rear 1 hand went up.

The professor said ' In all my years of teaching you are the only person to raise your hand to this question so can you come up here and share with us how you managed to make love to this ghost.

The student then replied .... ' Ah sorry sir i didnt hear you right the first time. I thought you said GOATS so thats why i raised my hand.

 

[red amoeba]

A ah neh goes to US and begins to fill the immigration form, under the column "sex", he filled "twice a week"

the immigration officer told him politely

"sir, under this column, you are supposed to indicate Male or Female"

"well, I don't mind either of them" he replied.

 

[Windsor]

What do you call a Pakistani submarine commander?













Gandeep Undawatta.

 

[Windsor]

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.

He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.

He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

 

[Windsor]

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again.

He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."

 

[Windsor]

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason, the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for fifteen years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "thank you."

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in fifteen years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

 

[Windsor]

An old semi-retired sailor puts on his old overalls and heads for the
docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age.
'How am I doing?' he asks.
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old man, you're doing about three knots.'
Needing some reassurance he asks,'Three knots? What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

 

[Windsor]

A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.

The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So, off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.

"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So, off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked.

Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.

After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"

To which the new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"

 

[Windsor]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder.

"Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy.

I don't know her name-they just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

 

[Windsor]

Chicken Farmer

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."