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Foreign men’s culture shock when dating in Vietnam
By Thanh Nga - Quynh NguyenMon 8/19/2024, 09:12 pm (PT)
After six years in HCMC Joe, 29, has adapted to the local lifestyle but remains surprised by some dating norms like his girlfriend's parents’ 9 p.m. curfew for her.
"My girlfriend explained that people believe girls who stay out late are considered promiscuous and may be judged by their neighbors," he says.
On their first date he was surprised when her worried parents repeatedly called her and told her to come home early. At 9 p.m. they told her to return immediately.
During a trip together she lied to them that she was with a friend and not Joe, and constantly reported her whereabouts to her parents.
He says Vietnamese women often have strict curfews, needing to return home before midnight. "But dating a Vietnamese woman also brings unique experiences."
He points out how Vietnamese women tend to clean bowls and chopsticks before meals and serve food to their boyfriends, something he has never seen British women do.
Roberto, 30, a Mexican, has also had cultural surprises while dating his Vietnamese girlfriend, whom he married in 2024.
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| Roberto, a 30-year-old Mexican, fell in love with and married a woman from Hanoi in 2024. Photo courtesy of the couple |
He says proudly that while his girlfriend might seem reserved in public, she is actually strong and protective, always ready to stand up for him when needed. After nearly a year of dating Roberto decided to marry her as she made him feel safe and cared for.
He was especially impressed to learn that Vietnamese wives are excellent at managing their family’s finances and savings. The two men’s experiences reflect some common differences that crop up when foreign men date Vietnamese women.
In East and Southeast Asia, it is the norm to make early introductions to family, prioritize emotional connections over physical intimacy and avoid sensitive topics and intimate gestures during initial meetings, all starkly different from dating in many other cultures.
In traditional Vietnamese society, dating and marriage are highly valued, and parents seek "virtuous daughters-in-law" and "respectful sons-in-law," leading to stricter norms for partner selection.
Families with daughters prioritized good character, devotion and financial stability in potential husbands.
Dr Le Quy Duc, former deputy director of the Institute of Culture at the Ho Chi Minh National Academy of Politics, says: "Many parents still want to thoroughly understand the person their child is dating, requesting that they be introduced early to feel secure in entrusting their child’s safety and happiness."
Thanh Xuan, 60, of Hai Phong admits she felt anxious when her daughter started dating an American man 10 years her senior.
She repeatedly reminded her daughter to learn about his background and family.
While allowing her to date him, Xuan imposed certain restrictions like no staying out after 11 p.m., informing her parents of her plans and not being alone with him in a room until he had been introduced to the family. "I just want her to be cautious in choosing a life partner, especially a foreigner."
The number of Vietnamese marrying foreigners has been rising steadily.
A study published in the March 2022 issue of the Journal of Family and Gender Studies found that between 2011 and 2021, Vietnam recorded around 20,000 foreigners’ marriages annually, with the proportion involving Vietnamese women rising from 83.9% to 90.5% by 2020.
After a decade-long relationship and marriage to a Hanoi woman, Italian man Alessandro Ferin recalls his culture shock from his dating days.
During a visit to her home he felt awkward as her family prepared food in the kitchen while he, as a guest, had to wait for them, he says. "Meanwhile, I was bombarded with hundreds of questions from her relatives about my job, residence, family, and personal relationships before they decided whether I was worthy of being their son-in-law."
Though it was a casual family gathering, he found it incredibly stressful.
Now, after his marriage, he admits he is still adjusting to his in-laws’ unannounced visits, large family gatherings and the language barrier.
But he is proud to have married a Vietnamese woman. "Vietnamese women are caring and gentle yet strong when needed. They can manage the family while excelling in their careers. It’s truly admirable."
As for Joe, though not yet married, he is adapting to Vietnamese culture to better understand his girlfriend’s family.
He now picks her up, plans outings though not fully familiar with roads, and respects her beliefs by suggesting they avoid trips to Dalat, having heard stories of couples often breaking up after visiting the city.
"The more I learn about Vietnamese culture, the better I can understand my girlfriend and her family. "Only by finding a balance between our two cultures can our relationship grow stronger and last long."
