(Warning, Long Summary) It was a surprisingly tough decision, I cried every time I wanted to do it and asked "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" But at the same time, I felt guilty for not going thru with it despite my suicidal talks. I don't want to be an attention seeker, that was not the goal. I wanted to ease the pain of loneliness but it only led to more misunderstanding of the person I am. Also, I would like to thank the kind person here who reported me to the police sometime in late 2019 after chatting with me on WhatsApp. That move, made it very hard for me to back down afterwards... which ended up reinforcing why I needed to go. I'm a man of my words, I can't back down now. And that time was finally here, and I committed suicide on 23rd March 2020, 1pm Singapore time.
I posted a farewell note right before I went thru with it. Looking at it now, it seems nobody caredhttps://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fnfc2m/i_write_here_my_farewell_note/
Timeline of events that followed
Ultimately, I wanted to share this in hopes that this would give an idea to anyone who wanted to commit suicide. The choice is still ultimately yours but know that its a horrible experience when you are stuck in a situation where you can't die, and can't be saved either. And then ultimately having your freedom stolen for your own safety, cause suicide is a crime. Even though it has been decriminalized recently, the mental act is still enacted. IMH is one messed up place too, there is so much they need to improve. It's weird that the government is encouraging no prejudice or discrimination against ppl with mental problems, but in IMH... you are constantly doubted and your self worth destroyed. They know what's good for you, and you don't know what's good for you is the best way to describe it. I upgraded myself to B2 ward after some negotiation, as they would not force discharge me. Note for parents, please do not admit your child to general C class ward. B2 is such a heaven & hell difference. Also, sadly for poor ppl.. I seen some downgrade from B2 to C ward as they ran out of money for bills. It's sad that poor ppl... have to suffer even when they need help. Money really buy health, in this case.
Afterthoughts
I hope this post was useful and although I'm glad to be alive and discharged from IMH yesterday. It's kinda weird to have to live life again and somehow life seems weirder now. As if it begun after I woke up in the hospital rather than a continuation of life before the suicide. And somehow I missed my interactions with the hospital staffs and patients. I feel more lonely now, after discharged. Not being able to interact with new people, face to face and sharing life stories, helping each other and giving advice. I guess, I really missed interacting with people. I plan to use the computer lesser and leave the online world with this new life. Likely would stop using reddit eventually too. Discord chat rooms doesn't replace the human touch which I craved now. Though I am not sure where to get it. I'm trying to adapt to this new life, one step at a time. Ya, its just one step at a time. I honestly dunno if I will harm myself again but I'm trying not to think about it. I really miss the hospital life, somehow. The nurses were all so nice. Can't say the same for the doctors hmmm...
Lastly, well... for sharing my experience. I guess, its also another means of asking for help in this new life forward. I will rest for now, then find a job. Recondition my muscle and have that liver checked, until my blood is normalized. The CK is still above normal and electrolyte is whacked. I ultimately went through a medical condition called "rhabdomyolysis" where muscles died due to my toxic overdose, which leads to even more complications. I was not diagnosed with any mental issues from IMH, just stressed out and tired in life. Otherwise, I'm all ok amazingly. Its a miracle, no organ damage? Maybe kidney failure in the future, not sure but otherwise just liver inflammation and some weird lung cough. Hmm... I'm still looking for a girlfriend though, though maybe less desperate. Just want someone to support me and for me to support in this new life, I'm not picky. Nurses would be great though XD. Well that's all I have to say for today, phew that was long. Thanks for reading my suicide experience.
I posted a farewell note right before I went thru with it. Looking at it now, it seems nobody caredhttps://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fnfc2m/i_write_here_my_farewell_note/
Timeline of events that followed
- 1pm Overdose of planned toxic substance, 8 times or more the lethal amount
- 15~30 mins later, body begun violently vomiting. Locked myself in toliet
- 4pm, plan seems to have gone wrong. No planned heart attack. Wanted to call ambulance, but I was determined to go through. Or somehow stable down before someone comes home, so I can treat it as nothing happened.
- 7pm, still conscious and blood in vomit. Family returned, but tried to get me to unlock the door. 8pm, I finally gave in and open it with my last strength. Didn't want to go GP cause I know its helpless but didn't want to say I committed suicide, so I said nothing. Ambulance arrived and somehow everyone thinks I had food poisoning from pizza the night before. Actually, that was my last meal. I just wanted to have one with the family before I go thru with the plan.
- 1am already, medications given somehow made the body super cold with non stop shivering. Sent to special observation area, waiting for a bed. While being pumped with potassium IV drip cause electrolytes from blood test were all messed up. This IV drip hurts like fk, like you stabbed your hand with a pen. Doctors seems confused, so I confessed. It's time to save me if I can't die. I thought they would pump my stomach but they seems clueless at what I was asking. Given more drip, and another new vomit bag cause the retching wouldn't stop. Stomach seems empty at this point but I can still taste the toxic substance in my saliva and the body was rejecting it hard. One staff told another staff. "I googled it but seems nothing much, I guess we just keep hydrating him then." At this moment, I wondered if I should have asked to go SGH instead of CGH. Also, was given a catheter in my dick cause I could not pee into the urinal. Lots of brown urine started flowing out, bag filled fast.
- 10am, still no hope. More IV drip for hydration and vomit medication injected through some plug in the hand. Still vomiting an empty stomach and spitting saliva out, no sleep through the night. The stuff I took had an energy effect and it was keeping me super awake despite my body feeling like it desperately needs a sleep. Could not lie down, instant vomit feel. Have to sit out and try to force out whatever I was trying to vomit from my empty stomach. I could feel something but somehow could not vomit out from a sitting angle. Asked to go to the toilet to vomit but was rejected due to fall risk. Asked to see doctor, that I feel I have a hole in my stomach. No doctor came, and passing doctors just say they are not my doctor. Finally someone looked at me but his not my doctor? He checked my stomach for fluid then left... that's it. I thought I was dead. Asked for Charcoal pill but was kept waiting. Pressed bed bell but no nurse would come. Well, they did eventually but very long wait. Telemetry device was tapped to my body, I learnt later that this connects wireless to the ICU. But this device is funny, they keep having to change battery cause it keeps losing connection and wouldn't turn on.
- 4pm, I think? No sleep yet. Still retching and more new vomit bags. Wiping with tissue paper at this point had cause the skin on nose, the lip and around it to peel with dryness. No choice, have to keep wiping still. The nose was filling with mucus, I had to clear it so I can breath. But finally breathing difficulty set in and they gave me oxygen. But BP machine shows oxygen at 100%.
- 9pm, nurses shift my bed to another area in front of the nurse counter so they could monitor me. Now I feel bad for the patients there, cause I'm still splitting saliva and retching into my vomit bag every 3~5 mins. Throat at this time was sore, and there were some blood in my spit. Nobody cared when I told them, and I haven't seen any doctor. More IV drips and vomiting medicine injected through the plug in my hand.
- 25th March, I have finally seen the doctor for the first time, I think? Pretty Chinese Female. Was told I'm given 2 very powerful medication already but my body is reacting severely to what I ovedosed on. The psychiatrist wanted to talk but I was vomitting/retching. Been like this, non-stop since admission. Still on IV drip, with plugs on both hands now. My elbow skin had peeled from holding the vomit bag non-stop and rubbing against the blanket. It hurts. No sleep yet, since the suicide. Was placed on adult diaper caused I shitted in my pants, bowel control seems lost at this point.
- Late afternoon, seems to have choked on the charcoal pill in my throat. Stuck feeling but warm water didn't seems to help and I was not allowed to eat or drink cause I was still retching. Relative who visited said my throat was swollen that's likely why I feel something. No need to take x-ray. Not really convinced but whatever. Everything was so uncomfortable. Even the breathing tube, I removed it multiple times cause it was blowing wind into my stomach?
- I begun losing control of my limbs, only have control of 1 and a half hand? Have to will myself, eyes started doing random stuff like raising the eyebrows one by one, legs were moving up and down by itself. Doctor visited in evening, and I said I am having some random bout of OCD. That the body didn't feel like it was mine anymore. Not very sure what doctor said, but I think I was given another (third?) powerful drug for the vomiting. All I can remember at this point was, they have taken tons of blood and poked me many times cause they keep failing to draw the blood, cause it keeps drying out. Sometime at 10pm, I begun losing consciousness. I wanted to sleep and I could feel like I could finally get some sleep in such a long time, but there was a voice in my head. Someone in my voice was talking to me directly, but I am not sure why I referred to it as the devil. (I'm a free thinker) But it was laughing at me for not treasuring my life and now its going to take over it and give it back when its done. It was running crazy suggestions through my mind like throwing my diaper to the window and screaming "Covid19 HAHAHA!" then trying to have sex with the nurse, and the cars in the distant carpark which I can see through the window was somehow also sexualised. It's like the horny side of me which I have suppressed all the time was breaking through and this side is now taking over. I dare not sleep, the voice said and I knew that if I sleep, it could take over and ruin my life. I did not want to wake up tied down or sent to jail. I even had the though for taking the respirator off the patient in my opposite bed. Started sticking tongue out, licking randomly as if I was licking *cough* a girl. I dunno why, it's just like this, then I begun bitting my tongue as if trying to bite it off. Tried stopping it while keeping awake but ultimately lost, and lost conscious.
- 2am, next day. I woke up in some sort of stroke mode. Repeating words like where I am, what is this, who am I, then forcing myself to shut up so I don't disturb others and that I need to shut up so I can sleep. I need to sleep, I told myself. Went in and out of this state a few times, then finally went into a vegetable state. Strange feeling of being stuck in the body, unable to move and filled with all kind of ridiculously sex thoughts. I think I was ejaculating into the urinal bag at this time, I'm not too sure. I used my last strength to tell the nurse to please kill me, I don't know what is wrong with my body. I can sign, I sign well, please burn me. Let me die and I just keep repeating something like this. I didn't want to be stuck in a vegetable mode. My whole mind was fked at this time with sex sex sex. I couldn't move, I didn't know if I can die, I prayed to the lord to save me, take me away. I can't do anything. I needed to die. I hoped that necrosis set in and finally kill me. Somehow I could still think from a 3rd person perspective. Then I died. It was just like sleep, I didn't feel anything... I was just gone. Gone, no pain... no nothing. Just gone.
- 10am, 26th March morning, I woke up super confused. I was not tied up, I was still alive. The retching had stopped and I finally got some sleep? My first thought was, was the devil done with my life? It did said it would give back to me once it was done with it, and ruined me but it didn't said when. But what happened while I was gone? I had lost track of time. I don't know how long I was gone, I have some bits of memories but they were not making sense. It feels like I had leaped through time horizontally into another separate timeline. The patient next to my bed was the first to ask me, "Are you okay now?" That's when I realized, I had stopped vomitting/retching/spitting saliva. I survived, I'm okay? I wondered what's the organ damage while I was given more IV drip and injected medication. The social worker and psychiatrist finally talked to me and I learnt that I had a seizure attack. That Creatine Kinase was spiking super high in my blood and I have suffered muscle breakdown from the overdose. My liver was inflamed, and I was finally given something to eat. Liquid soup however for the day.
- 7am, 27th March morning. I got some sleep, I seemed fine now. Better, I guess but still on diaper. However I have regained all limbs control and the brain feels somewhat lagging but I was still me and I could think. I wanted to see the doctor and understand the damage to my body, but somehow didn't have the chance. Doctor saw me and immediately talked about IMH transfer which sunk my heart. I knew suicide was a crime in Singapore and that means, I now have to pay the price. CGH was also super quick to transfer me to IMH and I was gone by 1pm. (If staff from CGH is reading this, know that I'm upset that I was not completely recovered first before I was transferred to IMH. But I appreciate the ward upgrade and nurses that went above to help me. Especially the showering and diaper change, and my spamming of the bed bell button. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for each and everyone. One was especially nice to me but I didn't get your name, sorry)
Ultimately, I wanted to share this in hopes that this would give an idea to anyone who wanted to commit suicide. The choice is still ultimately yours but know that its a horrible experience when you are stuck in a situation where you can't die, and can't be saved either. And then ultimately having your freedom stolen for your own safety, cause suicide is a crime. Even though it has been decriminalized recently, the mental act is still enacted. IMH is one messed up place too, there is so much they need to improve. It's weird that the government is encouraging no prejudice or discrimination against ppl with mental problems, but in IMH... you are constantly doubted and your self worth destroyed. They know what's good for you, and you don't know what's good for you is the best way to describe it. I upgraded myself to B2 ward after some negotiation, as they would not force discharge me. Note for parents, please do not admit your child to general C class ward. B2 is such a heaven & hell difference. Also, sadly for poor ppl.. I seen some downgrade from B2 to C ward as they ran out of money for bills. It's sad that poor ppl... have to suffer even when they need help. Money really buy health, in this case.
Afterthoughts
I hope this post was useful and although I'm glad to be alive and discharged from IMH yesterday. It's kinda weird to have to live life again and somehow life seems weirder now. As if it begun after I woke up in the hospital rather than a continuation of life before the suicide. And somehow I missed my interactions with the hospital staffs and patients. I feel more lonely now, after discharged. Not being able to interact with new people, face to face and sharing life stories, helping each other and giving advice. I guess, I really missed interacting with people. I plan to use the computer lesser and leave the online world with this new life. Likely would stop using reddit eventually too. Discord chat rooms doesn't replace the human touch which I craved now. Though I am not sure where to get it. I'm trying to adapt to this new life, one step at a time. Ya, its just one step at a time. I honestly dunno if I will harm myself again but I'm trying not to think about it. I really miss the hospital life, somehow. The nurses were all so nice. Can't say the same for the doctors hmmm...
Lastly, well... for sharing my experience. I guess, its also another means of asking for help in this new life forward. I will rest for now, then find a job. Recondition my muscle and have that liver checked, until my blood is normalized. The CK is still above normal and electrolyte is whacked. I ultimately went through a medical condition called "rhabdomyolysis" where muscles died due to my toxic overdose, which leads to even more complications. I was not diagnosed with any mental issues from IMH, just stressed out and tired in life. Otherwise, I'm all ok amazingly. Its a miracle, no organ damage? Maybe kidney failure in the future, not sure but otherwise just liver inflammation and some weird lung cough. Hmm... I'm still looking for a girlfriend though, though maybe less desperate. Just want someone to support me and for me to support in this new life, I'm not picky. Nurses would be great though XD. Well that's all I have to say for today, phew that was long. Thanks for reading my suicide experience.
