Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[kongkek]

Wife : How much do you love me ?

Husband : I love U so much, I can't measure.

Wife : No just tell me....

Husband : Okay, I am like a cell phone & you are my sim card, i am nothing without you...

Wife : Wow ! that's so romantic...

Husband (saying to himself): Thank God she doesn't know, this is a Chinese phone, with 4 sim cards...

Men will be Men

 

[pisspot]

Six Truths in Life

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.



2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.


3. And discover #1 is a lie.


4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.


5. You soon will forward this to another idiot!


6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.


I sincerely apologize about this, but I'm an idiot too, and I just needed your company.

 

[upzmypointsnow]

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of
her glasses, and says, "F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"

 

[yinyang]

Quotable (and notable) quotes :p

"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and
he'll starve to death while praying for a fish." Timothy Jones

"When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had
the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them
we had the Bible and they had the land." Desmond Tutu

"America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing
was faked." David Letterman

"I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire."
Howard Hughes

"After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box."
Italian proverb

"Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all
over them for years." Mae West

"The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength
of the lifeboats." Jean Kerr

"I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out
the garbage!" Zsa Zsa Gabor

"You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't."
Jeff Foxworthy

"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new
wife." Prince Philip

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
kickboxing." Emo Philips.

"Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself." Harrison Ford

"The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree." Spike Milligan

"Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke." Robin Hall

"Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror."
Jean Rostand.

"Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million." Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for,
I have no idea." W.H. Auden

"In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture
naked." Jonathan Katz

"If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson

"I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical."
Arthur C. Clarke

"Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap." Steve Martin

"Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is." Jimmy Durante

"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder." John Glenn

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?" Steven Wright

"America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric."
Doug Hamwell

"The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone who's
there." George Roberts

"If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the
airport!" Jonathan Winters

"I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it." Robert
Benchley

 

[pisspot]

how Premier Thaksin first made his money

 

[yinyang]

how Premier Thaksin first made his money

Seem to recall seeing this eye catching signboard years back ...T2 canteena? :p

 

[pisspot]

Seem to recall seeing this eye catching signboard years back ...T2 canteena? :p

Clementi bro, but never patronised

 

[jubilee1919]

Saw this in a Malaysian forum.

Interesting places in south Johor?

Guys, need some help over here. My friends just told me last week they gonna visiti me (they're from Sabah and Selangor). The only places i can think of bringing them is Desaru and USS (already booked). But they gonna lepak here for 5 days.. Dang! Can't think of any places to bring them.. Danga Bay quite over rated i think. ugh...

Answers - (50% of those who replied)

1. most interesting is singapore

2. geylang

3. just cross the border

4. Singapore is the best choice

 

[jubilee1919]

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”


The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.
One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door.
When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"
"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."
So she had him come right on in.
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.
Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands, which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.
"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"
And the preacher said, "Hello, Darlin!!"


Calling a nurse he knew after midnight, John said, "I really am sorry to call you so late at night, but I have, well, an erection that just won't subside and it occurred to me that you might know what to do with it." "It's pretty late for a house call," she said, "so I suggest you take a long cold shower. If that doesn't succeed in reducing the swelling, though, use it to dial me again."


The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected.
He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship having sex with Sir Archibald Carpley.
The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Archie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking!"

 

[jubilee1919]

The little boy's mother had been away for a week's conference and on returning she asked her son how he'd been.
"OK," said Ben. "Except there was dreadful thunder and lightning on Tuesday night so me and Daddy snuggled up in the same bed."
"You mean Daddy and I," said his young nanny.
"Oh no," said the boy, "that was Wednesday night, don't you remember?"



Two old ladies talking over half a mild in the local pub.
“Did you hear old Sid had a massive stroke?” said one.
“Oh yes,” said the other.
“Everyone knew, that’s why he was so popular with the ladies.”



The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. “You did a great job.” he said and handed the man a check. “Also, in order to thank-you, here’s an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.”
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.
Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, “What’s the matter, did you forget something”?

“Nope.” replied the painter. “I’m just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”



Little Johnny's 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.
"Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"
Johnny says, "God, I'm coming!!"


Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...and cold, too!"



"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you can see but can't feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"



The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad's.
My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud, "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"
My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough.”




Sister Mary Margaret enters O ‘Flynn’s liquor shop.
“I’d like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey”, she tells O ‘Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. “A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too.”
“Oh no, no,” Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. “It’s for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know.”
O’Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O’Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She’s rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
“Sister!” O’Flynn scolds. “And you said it was for Father Reilly’s constipation.”

“It is,” answers Sister Mary Margaret. “When he sees me, he’s gonna shit!”

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[hornylee]

Doctors recommend that women Reduce the risk of breast cancer, by having Their breasts sucked and fondled on. It is said that regular sucking of The breast lowers the risk level.

The breasts must be sucked and fondled As often as possible,
To help women fight breast cancer. Men please do your part,
And women please save yourselves !

This message is from the Ministry of Health.
IN THE FIGHT AGAINST BREAST CANCER.

Help save a life today,
Send this to all responsible men,
Men please save our women ....

 

[pisspot]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.

 

[yinyang]

 

[jubilee1919]

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note – romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.

If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.








A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.

While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe.

The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’

Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him……… ‘What would you say is my best feature?’

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears!!!’

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears?!?!?’

‘Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!’

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!’

Clearing his throat, he stammered ….

‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.’!




The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

 

[yinyang]

Jamaican fireman

The Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,
"Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...
Bell 1 rings - we put on de jacket.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, When I say, 'Bell one' I wan t you to strip naked.
When I say, ' Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, ' Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.

She shouted back.....


"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MAAN, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE!!"

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[jubilee1919]

 

[jubilee1919]

[video=youtube_share;eryxAcsTcOA]http://youtu.be/eryxAcsTcOA[/video]

 

[yinyang]

Carnation *Milk 65 Years Ago ...This is *PRICELESS

A little old lady from *Wisconsin had worked in and *around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best *slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'
She thought to herself, I *know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, 'Carnation' LOVED your entry so much! We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'