Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[jubilee1919]

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?"

"No, what?" asked the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them."

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

[jubilee1919]

Little Red Riding Hood.

 

[jubilee1919]

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pus$y on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times and on top of that gargled 1 liter of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat.

Feeling confident and relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough and said,
"Man, did you have 69 before you came here?"
Jerry said, "Does my breath smell like pu$sy?"

The dentist replied,

"No, your forehead smells like shit."

 

[jubilee1919]

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of p*nises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

 

[yinyang]

J1919, great stuff for TGIF. Liked the xmas john 1. Spreading the good cheer:p

 

[pisspot]

NUDIST CLUB


A man A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

 

[jubilee1919]

J1919, great stuff for TGIF. Liked the xmas john 1. Spreading the good cheer:p

Thanks bro. Hope to contribute fresh ones although not too sure as this thread is getting quite long. Need more bros to contribute or at least bump the thread if they like the jokes.

 

[jubilee1919]

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
“And just where have you been until this hour?” demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
“Down at the office,” he replied, “working like a dog.”

The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan. "I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."

He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor’s study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. “I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said.

“It’s really nothing,” he answered. “The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”

Little Johnny is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he’s never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, “What’s that, Miss?”
Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, “That’s what your Daddy calls Mummy, Johnny.”

Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, “I’m not stupid Miss, I know that ain’t a fucking pig!”

 

[jubilee1919]

A chap goes for an interview at a Durex factory in the Quality Control department. He does well at the interview, and management arrange for the Foreman to show him around the factory.

"What exactly will my job be?" he enquires of the Foreman.

"Well" replied the Foreman "You have to check one in every hundred", and proceeds to remove one condom from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the light, and calls one of the secretaries over.

The girl lifts up her skirt, drops her knickers and bends over. The Foreman stretches the condom over his todger, and gives her a good rogering. Afterwards, he holds the condom up to the light, again to confirm no holes.

"Easy as that" says the Foreman

"When do I start" replied the interviewee.

"8.00 a.m. sharp Monday morning" said the Foreman.

All weekend the chap was in a mood of keen anticipation, and at last Monday morning came. He was standing outside the factory gates at 7.30, and at 8 o'clock got straight down to work checking the condoms as they moved along the production line.

He eventually counted 100, picked out number 101, and called over to one of the secretaries.

One of the girls walked straight over to him, undid his trousers, and put the condom on his erect manhood She then began to vigorously masturbate him.

He was quite disappointed, and told the secretary that this was not what he expected at all.

"No" she replied "but you have to work a week in hand first"

 

[jubilee1919]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks.
Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns, boat & airplane.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't “

 

[jubilee1919]

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."







A chap comes home with some multi-flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his missus, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the nuts and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose.

While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.

Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband, "Mmmmm...cheese and onion?"

To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet."

 

[sadshishamo]

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[sadshishamo]

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[sadshishamo]

women : single, married and divorced

..... .....

 

[yinyang]

Man post divorce, hung to dry?

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View attachment 8784

 

[siongkia]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank goodness I thought you said 'Turn Around'

 

[hornylee]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'those are called condoms, son.... men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boys pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package.'

The dad replies, 'those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Cool!' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men.' the dad answers, 'two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses these?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, 'those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...'

 

[kongkek]

Haha all funni. Onli joke I know is "jln sehala"

 

[sirus]

3 Drunkards

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine turned it off again.
He told them."We have reached ".
The 1st guy gave him money the 2nd guy said "thank you".
The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked,thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.
But he asked "whats that for?".
The 3rd guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!". . .

 

[yinyang]

Haha all funni. Onli joke I know is "jln sehala"

Sounds like some1 I know, who complains it's one helluva long road in mutland (probably beat Guiness book):p