Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[8868]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the clerk at the window:

'I want to open a bloody bank account.' To which the astonished woman replies: 'I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?' 'Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a bloody bank account right now!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.' Having said this, the clerk leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: 'What seems to be the problem here?'

'There's no bloody problem, sonny,' the elderly man says. 'I just won 25 million pounds in the damn lottery and I want to open a bloody bank account in this f***ing bank!' 'I see,' says the manager thoughtfully. 'And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time?'

Lesson - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.

 

[8868]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder machine with a piece of paper in his hand.

'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?' 'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

'Excellent, Excellent!' said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy.' !!!!!!!!!!!

Lesson: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

 

[8868]

THIS IS A GOOD ONE TO CHEER YOU UP......!

A family is sitting at the dinner table.

The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers; 'Well, son, a woman goes through
three phases.

In her 20's, a woman's Breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,
'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man
goes through three phases also.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In
his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's,
it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.

 

[8868]

What is a KISS?

It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will lead to further
PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.

 

[8868]

Latest Statistics:

What men do after sex?
2% eat. 3% smoke cigarettes.
4% take shower.
5% go to sleep.
And 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

 

[8868]

Why is your dick better than a credit card?

a).Once spent recharges itself.
b).It is accepted worldwide.
c).You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

 

[8868]

LITTLE GIRL:

Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it 's salty!!!

 

[8868]

A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.


A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No,I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.


Women top 5 lies:

e). I am a virgin.
d). It is so big.
c). I can't do that to my best friend.
b). I won't gain weight after marriage
a). I am coming! I am coming !!!

 

[8868]

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic.
She says: What is that? He says: We go Home, screw, and then you
disappear.



What is the closest thing to a woman's period ?

Your SALARY.... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it
doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!



Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's legs up
high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".



Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?

Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say
"TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".

 

[yinyang]

Life & Can of Beer

When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things- -your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that,
if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff".

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. The
will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers

 

[Fishypie]

Many thanks for your points

No worries, just a token of my appreciation..do keep them coming bro..

Here's mine :

> * *Advice* *
> A famous Sardar's declaration to the media: "I will never marry in my
> life. And I will advise the same to my children too"
>
> * * Oxygen* *
> Teacher: Oxygen is very essential to life. It was discovered in 1773
> Sardar: Thank God!! I was born after 1773. Had I born earlier, I would have died...
>
> * * Skeleton* *
> Interviewer: What is a skeleton?
> Sardar: Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting, but forgot to stop it!!
>
>
> **Yes/No* *
> Sardar reported for his university final examination, which consists of Yes/No type questions. He takes
> his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
> inspiration takes his purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet Yes for
> Heads and No for Tails.
> Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few
> minutes, he is seen desperately
> flipping the coin, muttering and sweating.
> The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
> Sardar replies, "I'm rechecking my answers and I don't think I did very good."
>
> **Microsoft Office* *
> Interviewer: Do you know Microsoft Office?
> Sardar: No, but I can find it if you give address...
>
> **Colour TV* *
>
> Sardar bought a new colour TV and put it in water.
> Why?
> He wanted to check whether colour runs or not!!

 

[yinyang]

TGIF:p

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks...
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand...
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to see me fishing and drinking...
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time

Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free.

Doctor: Your knees are all blistered.
Lady: Coz of doggy style!
Doctor: Can't you do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't!

 

[8868]

Careers in Pakistan !!!

If we were in Pakistan, our options for professional courses after High School would be as follows :
MBBS - Master of Bomb Blasting Strategies
MBA - Master of Bombing Administration
JEE - Jehadist Entrance Examination
IIT - Islamic Institute of Terrorism
IIM - Institute of Infiltration Management
CAT - Career in Alqaida & Taliban
IAS - Iraq after Saddam
M Tech - Masters in Terror Technology
GATE - General Aptitude in Terror and Extremism
TOEFL - Test of Extremist Foreign Languages
GRE - Graduate in Relocation Extremism

 

[8868]

Affairs... the 6th is the most dangerous one.... becareful

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back? 'The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'Not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home 'I have something to show you you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase..........'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.. 'She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, ' pretend you're a statue. ''What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?''A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife. 'The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, ' his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[yinyang]

Tgif

TGIF 2:p

Definition of a TRUE friend ..indeed when in real need

 

[8868]

The BEST laugh I've had in a while!

John asks his Grandpa: 'Do you still have sex with Granny?'

Grandpa says: 'Yes, but only Oral'.

John says: 'what is oral?'

Grandpa: 'I say F**k you, and she says:F**k you too'

 

[erection2015]

Re: Tgif

the one at the bottom will get his reward from the one at the top after his piss.

TGIF 2:p

Definition of a TRUE friend ..indeed when in real need

 

[8868]

Re: Tgif

TGIF 2:p

Definition of a TRUE friend ..indeed when in real need

Yeah! a friend in need is a friend indeed

Have a nice day, Sir

 

[8868]

Re: Tgif

Iraqi vs. American

Average Iraqi

Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of
the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors

Average American

Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme
park

Average Iraqi

Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation

Average American

Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards

Average Iraqi

Lines up by the thousands to die for country

Average American

Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty

Average Iraqi

Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo
by West

Average American

Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include
McCookies

Average Iraqi

Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise

Average American

Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the
ground, you die

Average Iraqi

Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest

Average American

Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip

Average Iraqi

Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius

Average American

Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein

 

[8868]

Re: Tgif

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning.

Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says:
"Okay, well, at least we can eat it."

So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.

Disappointed the head gangster said:
"Well, at least they left something for us to eat"

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people."