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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
Paddy is walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire. Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs to the building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five stories up.
Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you. I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells:
"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"
Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you. I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells:
"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him!”
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him!”
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says : 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming, duck after duck after duck!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9-inch pianist?'
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says : 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming, duck after duck after duck!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9-inch pianist?'
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M
Mdm Tang
Guest
erection2015
Alfrescian (InfP) + C
Bob and Ralph were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Bob Pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches,he asked Ralph for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ralph replied with an Irish Accent, and then reaching into his tackle Box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
Goodness man!' exclaimed Bob,taking The huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Ralph,
'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Bob asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle Box,' says Ralph.
'Could I see him?'
Ralph opens his tackle box and Sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie,Bob says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of Your master.
Will you grant me One wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Bob asks the Genie for a Million bucks.
The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million Bucks.
Shortly,the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of A million ducks..... Flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Ralph, 'What the hell? I asked for a million Bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ralph answers,
'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie Is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ralph replied with an Irish Accent, and then reaching into his tackle Box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
Goodness man!' exclaimed Bob,taking The huge Bic Lighter in his hands.
'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Ralph,
'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Bob asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle Box,' says Ralph.
'Could I see him?'
Ralph opens his tackle box and Sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie,Bob says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of Your master.
Will you grant me One wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Bob asks the Genie for a Million bucks.
The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million Bucks.
Shortly,the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of A million ducks..... Flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Ralph, 'What the hell? I asked for a million Bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ralph answers,
'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie Is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?
Tony & Yonne
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. *Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. *He took them to a beautiful mansion,
furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
*A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,
'Welcome to Heaven. *This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. *'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than
any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. *'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. *This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. *'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick... *
This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. *All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*%&ing Bran Flakes. *We could have been here ten years ago!'
*
*
*
--------------------------------------------------
*
*
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. *Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. *He took them to a beautiful mansion,
furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
*A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,
'Welcome to Heaven. *This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. *'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than
any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. *'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. *This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. *'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick... *
This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. *All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*%&ing Bran Flakes. *We could have been here ten years ago!'
*
*
*
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*
*
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