Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[jubilee1919]

Stuff Women Really Need To Know About Men

Women might be a mystery to men, we all admit that, but, in order for us to get along well, there are a few things that they should know about men too:
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01.If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
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02.When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
Unless the answer is yes.
In which case, can he videotape it?
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03.Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
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04.Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
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05.Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
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06.It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.
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07.If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
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08.The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
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09.Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
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10.Don’t hog the covers. Really.
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11.If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
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12.“Fine.” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
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13.Money does not equate love. Not even in Singapore.
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14.If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
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15.Of course he wants another beer.
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16.The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.
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17.Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….
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18.He does not want to be just friends.
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19.Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
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20.He was not looking at that other girl.
Well, okay… maybe a little.
Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…
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21.He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
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22.Your (select appropriate item butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
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23.If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
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24.Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
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25.It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
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26.Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
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27.Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?
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28.Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
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29.Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
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30.He heard you the first time. Honest.
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31.You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
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32.Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
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33.Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
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34.Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
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35.His (fill in appropriate selections bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
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36.Watching soccer is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…

 

[jubilee1919]

The cruelest eye test for men!

 

[yinyang]

The cruelest eye test for men!

Not much help, even with reading glasses on :o:p

 

[Givanildo]

Not much help, even with reading glasses on :o:p

Good morning.

 

[yinyang]

Good morning.

Gut morgen (oops, meant for our new mod) :p

Your siggy's a replica of blue Danube?

 

[hornylee]

the biggest police bust in Arizona

 

[jubilee1919]

Lose that beard

A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Pit Bull

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line!"

 

[hornylee]

TWO MEN & A LADY

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island They both had the lady TOGETHER.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.

Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor. The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.

Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.

Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man
kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.

Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The lady
ACCUSED the first man of sodomising the other because she was rejected by both.


And finally....


Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.

 

[yinyang]

TWO MEN & A LADY
Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night
Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island The lady
ACCUSED the first man of sodomising the other because she was rejected by both.
And finally....
Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island The two men are still waiting for instructions from
the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.

Hilarious, liked the asean angle and one close to home. True to your namesake? hehehehe

And Jub too, we blokes from these parts can only manage at most a moustache (ala Fu Manchu). Good grief!

 

[yinyang]

After a (long) number of years of marriage... this can happen..

Really funny, yet often true

There was a group of elderly women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, ‘When was
the last time you told your husband you loved him?’

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.
The women were then to take their cell phones and send the following text:
"I love you, sweetheart."

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding
text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this ???
2. Ah, mother of my children, are you sick ?
3. I love you too !!
4. What now ? Did you crash the car again ?
5. I don’t understand what you mean ?
6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time !
7. ?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me !

 

[yinyang]

DILEMMA

One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”
He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

 

[yinyang]

What's a good height for a bed??

What's a good height for a bed?

Now you know :p

 

[hornylee]

Re: What's a good height for a bed??

Good one yy, I've just got all my 14 partners to get new and higher beds. That post possibly saved my life

 

[yinyang]

Re: What's a good height for a bed??

..just got all my 14 partners to get new and higher beds. That post possibly saved my life

Err, why not stop at 13 (suay?)? :p

 

[erection2015]

Re: What's a good height for a bed??

stop at 13?....the guy wont even stop at 31.....i know that idiot well. Hes real horny.

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: What's a good height for a bed??

For hornylee....



Two lesbians were walking down the street one-day.

They soon spotted a beautiful woman on the other side of the road. "Ooh, look at that beautiful woman, I'd like to give her one" said the first.

"Unh, Unh" mumbled the other.

It continued like that; anytime they passed a gorgeous woman and the first one would wax lyrical about her, the other would just mumble, "Unh, Unh Uhh...".

When they got to the bar, the first lesbian turned to the other, "Hey, what's with all the mumbling back there when we came across all those beautiful women?"

"I'm sorry ...," said the second lesbian "... my tongue got hard!!!"

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: What's a good height for a bed??

One day an Indian chief walked into a pharmacy and asked to speak to the pharmacist. The pharmacist walks out and asks the chief, "How may I help you?"

The Chief replies, "Me got too many kids, need condoms."

The pharmacist assists the chief with selecting an over-the-counter brand of condom and sends him on his way. The next morning, the chief walks back into the pharmacy with a shredded, badly mangled condom. Shocked, the pharmacist asks what had happened.

Throwing the condom onto the counter, the chief replies angrily, "Last night, left nut go "Ungh," right nut go "Ungh," condom go BOOM!"

Surprised of the results, the pharmacist gives the chief special prescription condoms that are originally intended for use by adult film stars and NBA players. Hoping this does the trick, the pharmacist sends the chief on his way.

The next morning, the chief comes barging through the door with a shredded condom in his hand. Extremely surprised, the pharmacist asks the chief what happened.

The chief replies angrily, "Left nut go "Ungh," right nut go "Ungh," condom go BOOM!"

At his wits end, the pharmacist tells the chief to wait while he goes to the sporting goods store. At the store, the pharmacist buys a bike tire and a patch kit. He then takes a length of the tube, cuts it to a length, seals off one end with the patch kit, and hands it to the chief, knowing that this was his last hope.

The next morning, the Indian chief walks through the door walking bow-legged, very slowly, and with obvious pain. Surprised, the pharmacist runs out and asks the chief what the hell happened.

The chief looks him in the eye sadly, and with a very hoarse voice replies, "Left nut go "Ungh," right nut go "Ungh," condom go "Ungh," left nut go BOOM!"

 

[jubilee1919]

Re: What's a good height for a bed??

There is no woman in this picture.....

 

[yinyang]

 

[jubilee1919]

FBI Recruitment Process


After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there remained 3 finalists.Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her."

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."