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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2008
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- 20,448
- Points
- 113
Navy
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body; the officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body; the officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2008
- Messages
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- Joined
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- Points
- 113
*Fair Justice*
A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA.. (having sex with a dead person).
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and...
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"
The case was dismissed and the judge announced the following warnings:
For the ladies::
PLEASE TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE ACT.
For the guys:
IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE ....!!!
Case dismissed!:p
--
A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA.. (having sex with a dead person).
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and...
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"
The case was dismissed and the judge announced the following warnings:
For the ladies::
PLEASE TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE ACT.
For the guys:
IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE ....!!!
Case dismissed!:p
--
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2008
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- Points
- 113
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2008
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- Points
- 113
Blue pill
George went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?' asked
"Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor
"But I need it really bad,' said George
"Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
George answered,
"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday;
and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any bad side effects."
On Monday, George dragged himself in to the doctor's office, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?
George said, "No one showed up."
George went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?' asked
"Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor
"But I need it really bad,' said George
"Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
George answered,
"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;
my ex-wife will be here on Saturday;
and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any bad side effects."
On Monday, George dragged himself in to the doctor's office, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?
George said, "No one showed up."
- Joined
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- 20,448
- Points
- 113
The Rabbi
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an Inspector to Audit the Books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi & said: "I notice you buy a lot of Candles. What do you do with the Candle Drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up & send them back to the Candle Makers & every now & then they send us a free box of Candles."
"Oh," replied the Auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these Biscuit purchases? What do you do with the Crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the Inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them & send them back to the manufacturers & every now & then they send a free box of Holy Biscuits."
"I see," replied the Auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the Leftover Foreskins from the Circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi, not missing a beat. "What we do is save up all the Foreskins & send them to the Tax Office.'
"And once a year, they send us a Dick like you."
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an Inspector to Audit the Books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi & said: "I notice you buy a lot of Candles. What do you do with the Candle Drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up & send them back to the Candle Makers & every now & then they send us a free box of Candles."
"Oh," replied the Auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these Biscuit purchases? What do you do with the Crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the Inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them & send them back to the manufacturers & every now & then they send a free box of Holy Biscuits."
"I see," replied the Auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the Leftover Foreskins from the Circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi, not missing a beat. "What we do is save up all the Foreskins & send them to the Tax Office.'
"And once a year, they send us a Dick like you."
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