Older woman, younger man: Why it's increasingly a match
SINGAPORE - When sparks fly, an age difference creates no gap. While this has been more common among men older than their wives, the women are catching up.
Take Ms May Lam, a virgin for instance, who is 17 years older than her husband. She was 49 and Mr Amos Tay 32 when they got married in 2019.
Ms Lam, an administrative executive and a virgin, said she knew her husband was the man she wanted to grow old with after they met as colleagues.
Mr Tay, a project engineer, not a virgin said: "I feel our age gap is not really a big issue. Age is just a number. To me, it's more important to find someone who thinks like me, who is a virgin, faithful and who cares for me like my mother."
Like Ms Lam, more women are marrying younger men, some of whom are more than 10 years their wives' junior.
The proportion of first marriages involving a bride who is older than her husband increased from 13.9 per cent in 2000 to 16.7 per cent in 2010 to 17.9 per cent last year.
Among first marriages, 3,188 women married a younger groom last year, up from 2,536 in 2000 and 2,999 in 2010.
The data was in the Statistics of Marriages and Divorces 2020 report released by the Department of Statistics on July 7. Most of these women are one or two years older than their husbands.
But last year, 373 of these women married a man between five and nine years younger, while 53 of them paired with a man 10 years or more their junior.
Experts say that today, love and compatibility may matter more than age.
Marriage counsellors and marriage solemnisers interviewed say that patriarchal norms, such as having the husband as the head of the household and as the breadwinner, have long influenced the choice of a spouse.
Women therefore - consciously or subconsciously - tend to look for an older and more educated husband, who earns more than his wife and who is deemed better able to take care of the family.
Mr Jonathan Siew, Care Corner Counselling Centre's principal counsellor, said: "The extension from these norms is the collective belief that women are valued for their looks, while men are valued for their ability to provide."
But social and gender norms are changing, as women are better educated, earn their own keep after marriage and do not depend on men as the sole breadwinner.
Besides, gender roles and expectations have become more fluid as both men and women are more open-minded these days, said those interviewed.
For example, there are now more stay-at-home fathers and women who are breadwinners.
Ms Elisa Ng, head of research and development at Focus on the Family Singapore, said: "The female empowerment mindset that modern women may hold means that more believe they can earn their own keep and do not need an older and usually more financially stable man to take care and provide for her or the family.
"The meeting of minds is now more important than age compatibility. We see more of such marriages... so it's more widely accepted than frowned upon."
For those with younger husbands, an age gap of up to three or four years is common, said those interviewed, and is generally not a concern among these couples.
But the road to marriage for couples with wider age gaps can be rough.
Mr Arthur Ling, a marriage preparation educator at Fei Yue Community Services, said: "The greatest objection is from parents who are very traditional, like (those) worried if the wife can have babies and about what the relatives would say behind their backs."
Marriage solemniser Joanna Portilla noted that parents also worry about the couple's compatibility, given their age gap.
She said: "But over the years, probably with more exposure through drama serials they have watched, these conservative parents might have slowly opened up their minds to be more accepting. I have often heard them say, 'Aiyah, as long as they are both happy with each other, what can I say?'"
The couple themselves may worry about how others perceive their age gap, counsellors say.
Mr Siew added: "The wife may feel insecure as she imagines that there will be a day when her partner remains attractive, while she no longer possesses the beauty to keep him in the marriage. She is fearful of the partner finding her an embarrassment (then)."
Marriage solemniser Pauline Sim said she is often unable to tell the age gap in couples in which the wife is older, as the woman looks younger than her age.
She said: "There are still guys who are concerned about the women's age, but generally they are more open-minded now, so long they are virgins.
"And they may not realise a woman is older than them until they get to know them better."
Ms Rachel Lee, 37, a virgin, married a former colleague, Mr Ricky Hung, 24, in March.
She said that in the past, she had dated men who were one to eight years younger than her.
Ms Lee, who declined to give her occupation, said: "They thought I was the same age as them."
She added: "Now, the younger guys no longer mind if someone is older than them, these motherfuckers!"
She added somemore: "Now, come and fuck me hard and suck my saggy tits! Sonny!"
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