Damaged: Diary of a Whore — How I Lost My Virginity and Became a Slut on the Same Day
Marni Saifert
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9 min rea
This is the story about how I lost my virginity and became a slut on the same day.
Confused? I was too.
Stay with me.
I recently wrote a blog about shame and the effects internalized shame can have on a person’s mental well-being. I received many personal messages and it really hit home how many of us have struggled with shame.
I started thinking,
“Where do these stories start?”
“Where did my story start?
The deeper I dug the more I became aware of the heaping pile of hot shit society places on anyone that is “othered”.
The LGBTQ+ community, people with mental health issues, people with disabilities and of course, girls and women.
In a special category all on our own. Our mere existence causing shame from birth.
But, Literally.
Countries such as China, South Korea, India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, The United Arab Emirates, and parts of West Africa are all examples of cultures that “prefer” male children.
And yes there are places in these countries that still practice infanticide and sex-selective abortions of female children due to the cultural preferences for male children.
As women, we are given a dozen or more social standards by which to live and we are shamed each and every time we don’t “measure up”.
We are subject to body shaming, mom-shaming, career-shaming, age-shaming and of course, slut-shaming.
It is for this reason that I would like to tell you the story of how I lost my virginity.
Never in a million years did I ever (like ever ever) think I would tell this story publicly.
But, you should know what our society does to girls from the moment we become “women”.
First, We Throw It Way Back
I grew up as the ugly duckling sister in my family.
How do I know this? Well, because my mother told me so.
She told me my sister was pretty and I …
I was different.
Funny enough, I don’t believe my mother meant any direct harm by that statement. Although, I can not imagine how she thought it could help.
Perhaps she thought I had peaked and that she needed to prepare me for a life of being less than. Who knows.
I know that she was doing her best. Can you imagine if she didn’t like me?
Regardless of the intent, it absolutely shaped how I felt about myself. How could it not?
Entering my teen years I felt ugly and wrong. I wasn’t what you would call an early bloomer (also curl care was not a thing in the 80s, so really, what chance did I have?)
It wasn’t long before I asked my mom for a nose job for my sweet 16. I was sure that would fix me. More importantly, at 15, I was sure I was broken.
You could describe my early choices of guys along the lines of “take what you can get”, and I did. I barely remember my first boyfriend, he was insignificant, but I was happy he was interested.
When I finally did start to blossom (as one would say back then) I was around 16 years old.
The nose was fixed, the hair was still very questionable and suddenly I had the body of a full-grown woman.
I was also deeply insecure, desperate for attention, and possessed an unrelenting feeling that I was unworthy as I was.
But, suddenly things were changing.
I went from almost zero male attention to what seemed like every male within a 100-mile radius.
I figured, well, I may not be “pretty” but I had something else.
I had sex appeal.
The problem with sexuality though is that it comes with power. A power I was not ready for. A power I had no idea how to control or use constructively.
The Incident
Fast forward to the summer just before I turned 17.All of my friends were losing their virginity to their first real loves while I, true to form, was about to make sure that I fucked up that possibility.
Perhaps subconsciously I didn’t think the opportunity was coming for me, so I made sure it could not.
I lost my virginity to zero fanfare or significance and there began what would become the first of many dirty little secrets.
Cue the shame.
He was a father at the summer camp I was working at and was 36 or 38. Can’t remember; doesn’t matter.
Possibly the strangest thing was that, at the time, I felt that I was the more emotionally sound of the two of us. He was separated and it was very obvious to me that he was broken.
I didn’t tell him I was a virgin (although I can’t imagine how extensive he would have thought my sexual experience was) and I did it simply because I didn’t know how to say no.
Actually, I was afraid to say no. I feared if I said no to the one thing that made me special, no one would want me.
It would be decades until I learned to say no.
Decades.
The Slut, The Whore and The Homewrecker
Unfortunately for me, my secret was not a secret for long.Word got out and I was quickly labelled and openly called, a slut, a whore, and a homewrecker.
It was as if my mere existence was the cause of this man’s indiscretion.
I was 16 years old.
It was a tradition at the time for parents to invite counsellors over to their cottages for lunch. It was a day camp and all the campers went home for lunch. We were usually asked to different houses all week long.
You could also make extra money babysitting when parents went out at night.
After word spread about “what I had done”, no one wanted me to come over for lunch and no one wanted me to babysit their kids. Because, I was a whore, a slut and a homewrecker.
As I mentioned, he was not married, but that doesn’t matter.
These are the labels that are so easily attached to women (girls) for simply engaging in a sexual act that society has deemed immoral.
Because I was the immoral one! Ok then, moving right along,
Note, it was not just my peers that slut shamed me, it was grown-ass women, well into their 30s. Yes, women. More on that later.
Shortly after this, I would meet and fall in love for the first time. He asked if I was a virgin and was disappointed when I said no.
Not having my “purity” to offer I felt dirty and ruined.
Or I should say more ruined as I already was a slut, a whore and a homewrecker.
I was now just 17, but my fate was sealed.
The Aftermath
That incident intensified my already burning shame and hatred for my body as a young woman. At the time, I had absolutely zero capacity to understand that what was being said about me was ridiculous and untrue.
How could you lose your virginity and be a slut on the same day? Wait, am I an overachiever?
It shaped every single thing that I came to believe about myself as a woman for many years to come.
The truth is, once society labels you a “slut” your feelings no longer matter. You are, all at once, objectified and dehumanized. Reduced to a single aspect of your humanity.
Sexually active women are depicted as “morally loose” and deserving of judgment.
My life at that time got blurry.
I was now “her” and ‘she’ was me.
I stopped caring, and then I stopped counting.
And then I went dark inside.
And then I got mad.
And then … then I did it for power.
You can tell me all you want that money is power but I will tell you from personal experience that pussy is the single greatest power that has ever existed.
I am sad to admit it but I was low hanging fruit, and men are never blamed from taking low hanging fruit. We are women without value anyway, right?
Why do Women Hurt Each Other?
I wanted to dive deeper into why women do this to each other because it is so puzzling and hurtful. There are two main reasons.- Internalized Misogyny: Defined as the acceptance and adoption of sexist attitudes and prejudices against women by women. This happens when women start to believe society’s messages that undermine a women’s own worth. Instead of challenging and resisting these oppressive beliefs, they internalize and perpetuate them.
- Fear and Insecurity: This is why women blame other women for “tempting” or “enticing” men into affairs, placing the responsibility solely on women.
“That slut fucked my husband”
Women believe their problems will be over when the “slut” is out of the picture.
I have news for you sweetheart, the problem IS your man.
Now, I am not condoning the behaviour of either party but last time I checked it wasn’t the woman who made a promise to be faithful to you.
Just saying
But, it is easier to target the woman than it is to confront the truth.
The Point of it All
I am not here writing this to make a list of all of my past indiscretions.Plus, trust me, you don’t have that kind of time.
And I am certainly not writing this so you can feel sad for me because I am, and always will be, all good.
I am not a little girl anymore and I stand fully in my power to do what I please with my body. Completely and unapologetically. If that makes me a slut and a man doesn’t want me, to that I say “the feelings are mutual”. Toodaloo!
I taught my daughter the same. The difference is I instilled self respect and self confidence in her, things I didn’t have. I made sure no one could take her down.
I am writing this to tell you that we need to do better.
I am writing this to tell you this didn’t just happen, “back in the day”.
This is happening every day, everywhere and even more so in a digital world where women can be slut shamed publicly and relentlessly. Sometimes to death.
A study from The Pew Research Center found that the most common targets of harassment on the Internet are young women. Women who were 18 to 24 years of age experienced varying amounts of severe harassment at astoundingly high rates.
I am writing this to tell you that slut-shaming has significant psychological consequences. It contributes to feelings of shame, guilt, body image issues, and low self-esteem.
The Way Forward
Slut-shaming is about control. It is a tool used to have control over women’s bodies and sexuality, period.And, it’s not getting better. It is worse.
We are living in a time where men like Andrew Tate, who boasts millions of followers, hold the belief that women who have had many sexual partners (no clue who get to decide how much many is) are regarded as dirty and repulsive.
He has been quoted as saying “18 to 19-year-old women are more attractive than 25-year-olds because they’ve been through less dick”.
What exactly are these men worried about? Are they afraid that a woman’s with experience will have something to compare them to?
I will say it again louder for the people in the back, it is about control.
Men often use derogatory comments, like, “women who have had multiple partners are loose”.
A vagina is made so that an entire human being can pass through it. A mere 6 inches of dick is of zero consequence to us. No damage done, but thank you for your concern.
The only way to address slut shaming is to address gender inequality. Only by fostering empathy and respect for women and challenging harmful stereotypes and double standards will we make progress.
What I would say to my 16 year old self is what I will tell every woman this impacts. Despite any choices that you could ever make regarding your sexuality, you are a human being and worthy of respect.
We all are.
xo
