How should Christian parents handle the death of a child?
Answer
As parents, we cannot imagine a more traumatic experience than the death of a child. All parents naturally expect their children to outlive them. Such a loss is an extraordinary, out-of-order event that brings with it an overwhelming sense of pain and lingering
grief. It is a life-altering experience that presents unique challenges to parents as they seek to rebuild their lives without their child.
It would be presumptuous for anyone to tell parents how to handle the death of a child. However, we do know that those who yield their lives to God are more apt to recover from such a loss with a greater sense of normalcy than those without a genuine and positive faith in our Creator. This being true, how do Christian parents handle the death of a child? Does the Bible address the subject, and if so, in what way?
First, we should note that each person handles grief differently. Emotions are normal and natural, but they vary widely in intensity and expression. Second, no parent ever “gets over” or “moves on” from the death of a child. It’s not like an illness from which we recover. Most counselors liken it to a life-changing physical injury. However, we should also know that, though we may always feel the loss, its intensity does diminish with time.
It is faith in a loving and ever-faithful God that enables us to endure and recover from the death of a child, sometimes in ways that others find remarkable. Such was the case of
David in the loss of his child who died seven days after birth (
2 Samuel 12:18–19). There are several valuable lessons we can learn from this passage of Scripture that can help grieving parents to face the future with hope.
One is that, before the child died, David prayed fervently for his child’s life (
2 Samuel 12:16). This should be true for all parents at all times, not just when times are difficult. Parents should always pray for their children, asking God to watch over and protect them. Likewise, parents should pray for God to provide wisdom and guidance so their children will grow in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (
Judges 13:12;
Proverbs 22:6;
Ephesians 6:4).
David’s reaction to his child’s death contains another lesson. Upon learning that the infant had died, David immediately accepted the fact and began a return to normalcy: “David arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house; and when he requested, they set food before him, and he ate” (
2 Samuel 12:20, NKJV). What may surprise us most about this passage is that David “went into the house of the Lord and worshiped.” In other words, David not only accepted the death of his child, but he gave all his emotions and the reality of the situation to God. Through it all, he saw God as worthy of worship. The ability to worship and honor God in a time of trial or crisis is a powerful demonstration of our spiritual confidence in God. Worship enables us to accept the reality of our loss. And this is how God frees us to go on living. What David models for us is learning to turn loose what we cannot change.
The next lesson in David’s story is the most revealing. It is what appears to be confidence in the knowledge that children who die before they reach the
age of accountability go to heaven. David’s attendants questioned his reaction to the death of his child, and David’s response has always been a source of comfort to believing parents who have lost infants and young children: “Now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me” (
2 Samuel 12:23). David was fully confident that he would meet his son in heaven. This passage is a powerful indication that babies and young children who pass from this world will go to heaven.
Grieving the death of a child is a heartrending journey. There are no hard-and-fast rules to teach us how to handle our mourning. However, counselors and those who have experienced the loss of a child have provided some helpful advice:
• Recognize that you are not alone. You have God. You have your brothers and sisters in Christ. You have close friends and family. Lean on them. They are there to help you.
• Don’t put time limits on your recovery. Don’t expect a day to pass without thinking about your child. Welcome such thoughts.
• Talk about your child. It’s important that you share the story of your child with others.
• Take care of yourself.
• Take care of your other children. They, too, are suffering. They grieve the loss of a sibling and have the additional discomfort of seeing their parents in grief.
• Try not to make any major decisions at least for the first year.
• Expect that getting through the many “firsts” following the death of a young child will be painful—first birthday, first Christmas, etc.
And last, Christians who have experienced the death of a child have the grand and faithful promise of God’s Word: “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” (
Revelation 21:4, KJV).
For Further Study
Heaven and the Afterlife: The Truth About Tomorrow and What It Means for Today by Erwin Lutzer
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