Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t".
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
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ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day
- Thread starter diversifyx2
- Start date
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog."
"No."
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog."
A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future:
- Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!
- Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.
- Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!
Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?
Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.
Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.
A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra time."
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra time."
Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"
Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club. He stated that 'he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get fucked every week !'
Question: Which is the oldest animal in the world?
Answer: The Zebra. It is the only animal that is still black and white.
Answer: The Zebra. It is the only animal that is still black and white.
Roshni: What kind of fish is this?
Aquarium keeper: Jelly Fish
Roshni: Which flavor it is?
Aquarium keeper: Jelly Fish
Roshni: Which flavor it is?
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the
grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."
grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle.
"Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."
The husband of a pregnant wife was thinking of buying insurance for his unborn baby. So he asked Great Western and the agent said, "don't worry man, we'll provide insurance right FROM THE BASKET TO THE CASKET".
The man was impressed but thought that he should probably seek another opinion. He then approached Frudential and the agent replied, "Oh, we have a new insurance policy which can protect your unborn child FROM THE WOMB RIGHT UP TO THE TOMB".
The man was stunned but thought that maybe all salesmen like to bullshit and decided to see the agent from BIB. He told the BIB agent what Frudential and Great Western had to offer. The BIB agent thought for a while and then said, "Tell you something, we have one that is even better than Frudential and Great Western. We'll insure your child FROM ERECTION TO RESURRECTION".
The man was impressed but thought that he should probably seek another opinion. He then approached Frudential and the agent replied, "Oh, we have a new insurance policy which can protect your unborn child FROM THE WOMB RIGHT UP TO THE TOMB".
The man was stunned but thought that maybe all salesmen like to bullshit and decided to see the agent from BIB. He told the BIB agent what Frudential and Great Western had to offer. The BIB agent thought for a while and then said, "Tell you something, we have one that is even better than Frudential and Great Western. We'll insure your child FROM ERECTION TO RESURRECTION".
A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they'll go for a long ride after that.
Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap, which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends house.
Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up everything.
Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes and has take her in front of everyone.
Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word.
After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and father are infuriated. But still nobody speaks.
A little more time passes and the boy hears a clap of thunder and remembers his bike and whips out the vaseline and gets up when the father screams ,"OH NO. I' LL DO THE DISHES"
Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap, which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends house.
Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up everything.
Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes and has take her in front of everyone.
Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word.
After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and father are infuriated. But still nobody speaks.
A little more time passes and the boy hears a clap of thunder and remembers his bike and whips out the vaseline and gets up when the father screams ,"OH NO. I' LL DO THE DISHES"
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
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Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
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One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"<SCRIPT type=text/javascript src="/js/loadjs.php?module=user&skipAuto=1"></SCRIPT>
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"<SCRIPT type=text/javascript src="/js/loadjs.php?module=user&skipAuto=1"></SCRIPT>
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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A pair of whales, a male and his mate were swimming along one day when they came upon a whaling vessel.
M: ''Oh shit!''
F: ''What is it?''
M: ''That's the ship that killed my father when I was a young whale and took him away!''
F: ''Oh that is fucked up!''
M: ''Hey listen, I got an idea. Let's surface, suck in all the air that we can and dive down under the boat. Then we'll blow it all out at once and tip it over!''
F: ''OK let's.''
So they both surfaced, sucked in all the air that they could hold, dived down underneath the boat and blew it all out as hard as they could.
Sure enough the boat capsized and all the sailors ended up in the water.
So the two were swimming away and looking back at the men frantically splashing around in the water.
M: ''Haha, that was pretty kool!''
F: ''Yeah, that was kool.''
M: "Hey I got another idea! Let's go back there and eat those motherfuckers!''
F: ''OK look, I agreed to the blowjob, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!''
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M: ''Oh shit!''
F: ''What is it?''
M: ''That's the ship that killed my father when I was a young whale and took him away!''
F: ''Oh that is fucked up!''
M: ''Hey listen, I got an idea. Let's surface, suck in all the air that we can and dive down under the boat. Then we'll blow it all out at once and tip it over!''
F: ''OK let's.''
So they both surfaced, sucked in all the air that they could hold, dived down underneath the boat and blew it all out as hard as they could.
Sure enough the boat capsized and all the sailors ended up in the water.
So the two were swimming away and looking back at the men frantically splashing around in the water.
M: ''Haha, that was pretty kool!''
F: ''Yeah, that was kool.''
M: "Hey I got another idea! Let's go back there and eat those motherfuckers!''
F: ''OK look, I agreed to the blowjob, but I'm not swallowing the seamen!''
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You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
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The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
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