ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day‏

[diversifyx2]

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.
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[diversifyx2]

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".
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[diversifyx2]

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
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[diversifyx2]

One morning, a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap inside. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out for a relaxing read. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"I'm just reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing," the wife says. "I'm just reading."

"Yes," the cop says, "But you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book," the woman asks, in disbelief.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area, with all the equipment," he repeats.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing," the wife repeats, agitated. "I'm just reading. I haven't been fishing, either."

"I'm going to take you in, and I'm going to write you up. There are no buts to it."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," the woman says.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true," the woman begins, "But you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," the Game Warden says, and he left.
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[diversifyx2]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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[diversifyx2]

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."
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[diversifyx2]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
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[diversifyx2]

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
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[diversifyx2]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
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[diversifyx2]

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"
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[diversifyx2]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."


The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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[diversifyx2]

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the
Varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.


"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave,
He continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him ?" pointing to a second, older man,
"Three women, three feathers."


The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"


The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."


Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"


The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."


The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"


The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"


The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"


"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"
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[diversifyx2]

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

 

[diversifyx2]

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.
The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.
The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.
She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?"
To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says.
"Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good...

So I just swapped their heads."

 

[kingrant]

The ABC of poetry

A is the artful words he uses
B is the blush as she refuses

C is the creep of his hands up her legs
D is the don't as she pleadingly begs

E is the excitement as his hands go up higher
F is the feeling of randy desire

G is the gasp as her pussy he touches
H is the helplessness as he fares

I is the itching which makes her feel hot
J is the jump as he touches the spot

K is the kiss with which she rewards him
L is the love she shows towards him

M is the movement as they make towards the bed
N is the nice way her legs are widespread

O is the opening already revealed
P is the prick already peeled

Q is the queerness they feel when it's in
R is the rubbing that's about to begin

S is the stroke that gets stronger and stronger
T is the time they wish it was longer

U is the unction which freely flows
V is the vigour as they put on their clothes

W is the wish they could do it again
X is the extent which he has gained

Y is the yearning which makes her feel sick
Z is the Zambuck he rubs on his prick.

 

[diversifyx2]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

 

[diversifyx2]

A primary one teacher (Ms Ng) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for primary one. My sister is in primary three and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in primary three too!"

Ms Ng had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Ng that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to primary one and behave.

She agreed. The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: What is 3 x 3? Boy: 9

Principal: What is 6 x 6? Boy: 36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a primary three should know. The principal looks at Ms Ng and tells her, "I think Boy can go to primary three."

Ms Ng says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and boy both agree.



Ms Ng: What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy: Legs


Ms Ng: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have? Boy: Pockets


Ms Ng: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and

contains thin whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut



Ms Ng: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Boy: Bubblegum



Ms Ng: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a

dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Boy: Shake hands



Ms Ng: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Boy: Yep



Ms Ng: You stick your poles inside me.. You tie me down to get me up. I get

wet before you do. Boy: Tent



Ms Ng: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best

man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and

took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Boy: Wedding Ring



Ms Ng: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,

you feel good. Boy: Nose



Ms Ng: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow



Ms Ng: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat

and excitement? Boy: Fire truck



Ms Ng: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don’t get it u have to

use your hand. Boy: Fork



Ms Ng: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others,

the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy: SURNAME



Ms Ng: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins,

like pumping, and is responsible for making love? Boy: HEART.



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

 

[Leongsam]

Bump.........

 

[Manager]

here is the joke of the day
these opposition fools actually believe these lot are POLITICIANS

 

[Leongsam]

here is the joke of the day
these opposition fools actually believe these lot are POLITICIANS

They look like a bunch of clowns to me.