ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day‏

[cowbellc]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

 

[cowbellc]

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

 

[cowbellc]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

 

[Ramseth]

A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two first class tickets for the Queen Mary ll appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but<SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","\u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \na\u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; wish is a wish..\u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; So the fairy waved \nher magic wand and poof!..... the\u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; husband became 92 years \nold.\u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; The moral of the story: Men should remember \nfairies are female.....\u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO \nNEEDS A GOOD LAUGH ....\u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!\u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \n\u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \n\u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \n\u003cbr\u003e\u0026gt; \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv style\u003d\"text-align:center\" class\u003d\"MsoNormal\" align\u003d\"center\"\u003e\u003cfont size\u003d\"1\" face\u003d\"PMingLiU\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:9pt\"\u003e\n\u003chr align\u003d\"center\" size\u003d\"2\" width\u003d\"100%\"\u003e\n\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\n\u003cp class\u003d\"MsoNormal\"\u003e\u003cfont size\u003d\"1\" face\u003d\"PMingLiU\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:9pt\" lang\u003d\"ZH-TW\"\u003e您所有好友的近況， \u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003cfont size\u003d\"1\"\u003e\u003cspan style\u003d\"font-size:9pt\"\u003e\u003ca href\u003d\"http://profile.live.com/connect\" target\u003d\"_blank\" onclick\u003d\"return top.js.OpenExtLink(window,event,this)\"\u003e\u003cspan lang\u003d\"ZH-TW\"\u003e在\u003c/span\u003e \nWindows Live \u003cspan lang\u003d\"ZH-TW\"\u003e裡一目了然。\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/font\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\n",0]);//--></SCRIPT> a wish is a wish..

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..... the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men should remember fairies are female.....

 

[diversifyx2]

How do you tell if a blonde is using a computer?

Their's liquid paper all over the screen!

 

[diversifyx2]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[diversifyx2]

What did one math book say to the other math book?

"I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"

 

[diversifyx2]

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

 

[diversifyx2]

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?"
After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon." The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?"
"Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."

 

[diversifyx2]

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

 

[diversifyx2]

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

 

[diversifyx2]

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

 

[diversifyx2]

A cop pulls a guy over:

- Sir, why were you speeeding?
- Officer, I wanted to get home quickly, before I became really drunk.

 

[diversifyx2]

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

 

[Pica_NA]

Bro diversifyx2 ... your jokes are good.... DAMN GOOD !!!!

 

[diversifyx2]

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:

"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

 

[diversifyx2]

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.
He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.
When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some 'desert.' Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar.
Joe asks what the dollar is all about.
The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me 'F**k him -- give him a dollar.' The lunch was my idea."

 

[diversifyx2]

What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?
In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.

 

[redlightmeansgo]

A seven year old boy is caught for raping his older sister and is duly hauled to court and charged.

The judge takes a look at the boy, who is frail, and can barely keep his head up with his skinny neck, and wonders to himself if the police actually got the right person.

The boy's lawyer then steps forward, and presents his client's case.

"Sir, I submit to you that my client here is innocent until proven guilty, and there is sufficient evidence to prove that he is innocent beyond reasonable doubt. Firstly, the defendant is a young boy who has barely reached puberty. Look at him: he weighs less than 40 kg, and has been physically weak due to frequent asthmatic attacks."

He reaches for a medical docket.

"This is a record of his condition for the last six years. According to it, the defendant has suffered severe attacks, up to three times a day, and these attacks sometimes render him unconscious."

The lawyer proceeds to take off the boy's pants. The latter's small and limp penis is barely visible. Nonetheless, a few gasps can heard amongst the crowd.

"Look at this small pulp of flesh. Do you think it is capable of perpetrating the alleged act?" As the lawyer speaks, he cradles the boy's penis.

"Do you think for once that this small piece of flesh can cause the victim untold amounts of pain? I therefore submit to you that this boy is innocent because of his weak and small constitution."

The lawyer looks at the boy, and gives him a triumphant smile.

The boy eyes the lawyer sheepishly. Then in a subdued tone, "Sir, if you don't stop touching me, you're gonna lose the case."

 

[diversifyx2]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...""