ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day‏

[diversifyx2]

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

 

[diversifyx2]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

 

[diversifyx2]

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

 

[diversifyx2]

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife." <SCRIPT src="http://googleads.g.doubleclick.net/pagead/test_domain.js"></SCRIPT><SCRIPT src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/render_ads.js"></SCRIPT><SCRIPT>google_protectAndRun("render_ads.js::google_render_ad", google_handleError, google_render_ad);</SCRIPT><SCRIPT>google_protectAndRun("render_ads.js::google_render_ad", google_handleError, google_render_ad);</SCRIPT>
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[diversifyx2]

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
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[diversifyx2]

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Dave was taken aback. "And who's in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."

Dave asked,"Can I borrow your dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
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[diversifyx2]

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?

"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we're prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"
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[diversifyx2]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
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[diversifyx2]

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, He has a card up his sleeve or He has a dove in his pocket.

One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?
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[diversifyx2]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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[diversifyx2]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
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[Equalisation]

errrr .... can you stop for a moment .... jaw muscle tired after so much laughter already leh ....:o

 

[lancerglxi]

errrr .... can you stop for a moment .... jaw muscle tired after so much laughter already leh ....:o

diversifyx2 is doing an excellant job :oIo:

 

[middaydog]

diversifyx2 is doing an excellant job :oIo:

you :oIo: him for what ! since he is doing an excellant job

 

[diversifyx2]

diversifyx2 is doing an excellant job :oIo:

Is that a joke?? haha

 

[lancerglxi]

Is that a joke?? haha

Of course it is meant as a joke

I loved your jokes

 

[diversifyx2]

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.

The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."

The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"

The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."
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[diversifyx2]

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the redhead, and the bronze to the blonde.

As they placed the medal around her neck, the blonde whispered, " I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the other two used their arms."
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[middaydog]

There are these 3 vagrants. The first one walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a spoon, please." The bartender gives him the spoon, the vagrant takes it, and leaves.

The second vagrant walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a spoon, please." The bartender gives him the spoon, the vagrant takes it, and leaves.

The third vagrant walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a straw, please."

At this point the bartender wonders and asks, "WTF going on with the three of you, and why you don't want spoon like the others?"

The vagrant replies " Some drunkard threw up outside your bar and all the solid pieces were taken by the two fellas already "

 

[cowbellc]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was suh-weeeet!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "And your mom liked it!!"

Finally the guy interrupts ..."Go home, dad, you're drunk."