- Joined
- Aug 18, 2020
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I don't think I can make it past National Day 2022.
That's what I believe.
I am still feeling weakness in my limbs, four days after my ops. Today is the 5th day. I am still lying in the hospital bed, feeling weak. I don't think the surgery went well. I can't eat much and I feel weak.
There are so many tablets and capsules to consume after bland hospital meals everyday. There's a general numbness all over my aching body. The cardio sugeon said I would be fine after this Ablation procedure to treat my Afib. It has been 5 days and I am already losing hope.
I can tell that my GF, also my boss is shaken. I told her last night that we should end our RS. Tears rolled down her eyes as she held on to my weak hands. I could feel her sorrows when she said "No, you will recover soon". TBH, I really do not want to burden her for the rest of her beautiful life with a sick and wretched me.
Before I slept last night, I was contemplating suicide and ending my meaningless existence once and for all.
My groin area is still very much swollen today. For the ablation procedure, the surgeon had punctured hole or holes in my groin area. Tiny catheters were inserted into my blood vessel and apparently, they go all the way to my heart to scar it by making small burns using RF energy. The cardio surgeon said scarring like this will help to prevent my heart from generating the funny electrical signals that cause my Afib condition. But he also said it's not 100%.
Last night, after my GF had left for home, I was in tears. I felt shameful that I was sobbing nonstop. I guessed I was so worn out emotionally that I just knocked off, hoping that I wouldn't wake up again.
I had a strange dream. I dreamt that I was passing through a huge tunnel, like the one at Fort Canning tunnel at SMU. I saw my late father waiting for me at the far end, beckoning at me to go to him. I was elated. I ran and ran towards him. As I got nearer, I could hear him say “Come to me".
Then when I got to a body length of him, he looked at me in surprise. He said, "Why do you sneak up on me like this?!! You gave me a shock!!!". He added that I looked awful and need a haircut and a good shave!
I said "Pa, I thought you waved at me to run to you like what you always do when I was young at Botanical Gardens".
My dad replied, "No I was beckoning at the lady behind you!".
I turned around and saw the beautiful woman. It's my GF. My father then said, "For goodness sake son, you look really awful. Go get a shave, a haircut and a shower!".
Following that, and to my horror, my dad and my GF kissed and walked off hand in hand, leaving me slouched and lost in the tunnel as they flew off and faded away.
I woke up in shock this morning.
I really do not know what to make up of this awful dream, except to write a post here after a very very long absence. I had vowed to quit this toxic forum and I never thought I will be back.
Maybe I wouldn't in a few days time. I have a gut feel I will be gone soon by National Day 2022. If I don't post again, good bye to all those kind people here who had been really nice to me.
Thank you.
That's what I believe.
I am still feeling weakness in my limbs, four days after my ops. Today is the 5th day. I am still lying in the hospital bed, feeling weak. I don't think the surgery went well. I can't eat much and I feel weak.
There are so many tablets and capsules to consume after bland hospital meals everyday. There's a general numbness all over my aching body. The cardio sugeon said I would be fine after this Ablation procedure to treat my Afib. It has been 5 days and I am already losing hope.
I can tell that my GF, also my boss is shaken. I told her last night that we should end our RS. Tears rolled down her eyes as she held on to my weak hands. I could feel her sorrows when she said "No, you will recover soon". TBH, I really do not want to burden her for the rest of her beautiful life with a sick and wretched me.
Before I slept last night, I was contemplating suicide and ending my meaningless existence once and for all.
My groin area is still very much swollen today. For the ablation procedure, the surgeon had punctured hole or holes in my groin area. Tiny catheters were inserted into my blood vessel and apparently, they go all the way to my heart to scar it by making small burns using RF energy. The cardio surgeon said scarring like this will help to prevent my heart from generating the funny electrical signals that cause my Afib condition. But he also said it's not 100%.
Last night, after my GF had left for home, I was in tears. I felt shameful that I was sobbing nonstop. I guessed I was so worn out emotionally that I just knocked off, hoping that I wouldn't wake up again.
I had a strange dream. I dreamt that I was passing through a huge tunnel, like the one at Fort Canning tunnel at SMU. I saw my late father waiting for me at the far end, beckoning at me to go to him. I was elated. I ran and ran towards him. As I got nearer, I could hear him say “Come to me".
Then when I got to a body length of him, he looked at me in surprise. He said, "Why do you sneak up on me like this?!! You gave me a shock!!!". He added that I looked awful and need a haircut and a good shave!
I said "Pa, I thought you waved at me to run to you like what you always do when I was young at Botanical Gardens".
My dad replied, "No I was beckoning at the lady behind you!".
I turned around and saw the beautiful woman. It's my GF. My father then said, "For goodness sake son, you look really awful. Go get a shave, a haircut and a shower!".
Following that, and to my horror, my dad and my GF kissed and walked off hand in hand, leaving me slouched and lost in the tunnel as they flew off and faded away.
I woke up in shock this morning.
I really do not know what to make up of this awful dream, except to write a post here after a very very long absence. I had vowed to quit this toxic forum and I never thought I will be back.
Maybe I wouldn't in a few days time. I have a gut feel I will be gone soon by National Day 2022. If I don't post again, good bye to all those kind people here who had been really nice to me.
Thank you.
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