In step

[RiverOL]

Did Jesus Have Fear Like us?​

Did Jesus have fear like us?
Recently, Pastor Jimmy Evans, preached a guest sermon at Ed Young’s Fellowship Church in Texas, in which he discussed why Christians face fear and how to overcome anxiety in their lives.

Evans said, “Jesus had more fear on His way to the cross than any human being has ever experienced,” Evans explained. “If you’ve ever been fearful of anything, Jesus understands it.”

I get what Pastor Jimmy is trying to do here, he is trying to help us relate to Jesus and make Jesus relatable, however, there is just one problem, it is not biblical. The first grid that every pastor who represents Jesus must do is put what they are saying to God’s people through a biblical test to make sure it aligns with God’s Word.
Jesus tells us in Revelation 22:18 “I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book, 19 and if anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God will take away his share in the tree of life and in the holy city, which are described in this book.”

When we represent Christ to others, the Bible must be our sole authority to determine our view, values, and vernacular that we choose to help people relate to Jesus and experience a real relationship with Him.

The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

John the Beloved, said in 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”
Jesus was perfect. He was tempted in all ways as us yet without sin.
Jesus embodied perfect love.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say Jesus feared. Yes, he experienced great anguish. Yes, he desired the cup to pass from Him. Yes, he felt the limitations that came with being human but He who knew no sin didn’t sin.
Often Jesus would rebuke the disciples for their worry and their fear and unbelief. He would ask them why they didn’t believe and rebuke them for not believing. He stood against their unbelief, fear, and worry.

I realize we want to make Jesus “human” to the point that He is relatable. I too appreciate the value of real relationship with Jesus and relatability with Jesus but not at the expense of His deity and His perfect holiness. It seems the church continues to try to demystify Jesus for relationship purposes at the expense of forgetting that while He is fully human, He was also fully God. We can’t relate to this; we don’t understand this.

This is why the Virgin Birth is so important. Jesus was not born with a sin nature due to how He was conceived. Many years ago, Rob Bell asserted that the Virgin Birth was not essential to the Deity of Christ. I beg to differ. Without the Virgin Birth, Christ could not have been God. His conception determines the validity of His Deity. Just as His sinless life determines His qualification to be the sinless sacrifice for our sins.

I admire Pastors who attempt to make Jesus relatable but not at the expense of removing Him from his rightful place as God. One of my Professors at Dallas Theological Seminary, Prof Howard Hendricks, use to say about preaching, “To be biblical is easy, to be relevant is easy, but to be biblically relevant is almost impossible.”
But the impossible is our task.

As we look at the life of Jesus there is much that we can relate to. His sufferings were very clear. He sympathizes with our weaknesses and is seated at the right hand of the Father making intercession on our behalf. These things are very relatable and authentic and do not tamper with his Deity.
But to say that Jesus “feared” is to say, “Jesus had a spirit in Him that was controlling Him that was not from God.”

This is not inaccurate, it is heresy. It is heretical. It is unbiblical and very damaging because of the implications it creates and the conclusions it requires regarding His Deity.
Jesus experienced sorrow and anguish but He never gave into anything that would cause Him to sin. The kind of fear we are talking about here is the result of imperfection. We see in the Garden of Eden that after Adam and Eve fell, they hid themselves. Why? They tell God they did so because they were afraid.
Jesus was never afraid.

His desire to die for us was never in question. Yes, He asked that the cup could pass from Him but not His will, but the Father’s will be done. Desiring something to pass from you and fearing what lies ahead are two different sentiments and we must be very careful to rightly divide the Word of Truth, otherwise implications and conclusions that we don’t intend get drawn.
Jesus makes it clear in Matthew 8:26 what He thinks about our fear. He said to the disciples, “’Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?’ Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.”

Jesus is not up in heaven wringing His hands wondering what to do next or wishing you wouldn’t do this or that. He is not fearful. Our fear is just that, ours. Jesus cannot relate to our sinfulness except to say that He has made a way for us to escape.

Be careful trying to make Jesus so human that He can no longer be God in the flesh, otherwise you will have a relatable Savior in this life with no hope for Eternity.

Blessings,
Pastor Kelly

 

[RiverOL]

Begin to Pull it All Together ​ [ 1 min read ★ ] ​

. . . ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you—Luke 11:9 ​

You can move, brother, into "an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you" (Ephesians 4:20-24 MSG). We can all be remade into new selves, true selves—but God won’t force change upon us. He wants us to ask and listen and learn and work with him. He wants us to do so continually, because he also won’t reveal those true selves all at once. Rather, he’ll teach. He’ll guide. And he’ll reveal identity iteratively, in a progression, in a process that builds on itself throughout our lives. How this actually happens will be different for each of us. We’re new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17). But, we’re unique creations too (1 Corinthians 12:14-26). So, when God gives us something, just for us, when he allows us to discover something about ourselves, we’ve got to treat those things with extraordinary care. We mustn’t allow them to be lost or forgotten in the rush and charge of life. We must collect and revisit them—so we can always have the best, most complete picture possible of who we really are and whom we’re really meant to become. ​

Okay, so what do we do? Get a notebook or create a document, one dedicated to this purpose. Record what God’s revealed already. Recall moments when you just knew he was speaking—maybe a trusted friend pointed out something true about you; or the story of a particular person in the Bible stood out from all the rest; or you sensed God showing you something about yourself, in prayer. Collect and compile these things. Add more as you get more. Protect and preserve them, so you can return to them . . . and return and return and return.​

 

[RiverOL]

The Easy Life: How Work, Rest, And Meaning Intertwine​

We went on vacation recently and it was wonderful. Work has been pretty busy and pretty intense lately. We love what we get to do, but it sometimes feels overwhelming. The pressure gets weighty, even though it is mostly a pressure we put on ourselves. The expectations and deadlines loom and swirl. It is so nice to get to take a break, to relax and breathe and breathe a little slower.


There is a reason tourism is one of the highest sources of income for most municipalities. Whether it be a country or a city, people love to visit things. They love to get away.
All of this is nice and lovely, but it can be dangerous too.

Like most people, we found ourselves imagining retirement. We talked about what we would do and how we would just rest forever. I think we all sometimes dream about retirement as this kind of eternal vacation. A time when we just take it easy. We are free of the worry and work of life. Extreme comfort. A never-ending vacation.

The Meaning of Work​

We are back home now and I am currently working. I hope most people feel this way, though I am not sure they do: I love coming home from vacation about as much as I love getting away. We adore our lives in Brooklyn. And, with all of its challenges, we enjoy our work.


I am not sure retirement is going to be the haven I imagine. Life needs meaning. And comfort is not the same as meaning. The thing that usually comes with that sense of stress and worry is a sense of purpose. We are worried because we are taking risks. We are stressed because we are doing something that matters. We are tired because we are working very hard at it.

Obviously, this is not true of everyone. A lot of people are just working to work. They might retire and prefer it. But they will probably just rest to rest. It won’t really mean any more or less than their working times. If we are worried and stressed for no reason, the reprieve of retirement is certainly preferable. But not ideal.
Retirement (or vacations, or rest) can become a sort of numbing. Its value is not in and of itself but in the absence of what was numbing us before. We replace one numbing agent with another. And that is not really the same thing as rest.

A Matter of Perspective​

One of the things that most annoys me about living in New York is when people talk about how terrible life in the city must be. How they could not possibly live in a place like New York. I get what people are saying and I know they mean well. But if you cannot live somewhere, that says more about you as a person than it does anything about the inherent value of the place. I really think Kylie and I could live anywhere. We love nature and we love the city. We love crowds and we love privacy. We love the challenge of being around lots of diverse perspectives and the comfort of being around like-minded people. There is value in it all.

 

[RiverOL]

Want To Be A Better Dad? Here’s How To “Remodel” Your Fathering.​

As my wife will gladly tell you, I run very little risk of being called “handy” with a hammer or with any other tool. Indeed, it’s pretty clear that when God was passing out the carpentry and mechanical skills, I must have been busy reading the Wall Street Journal!

Given this genetic foible in my manhood, I have been forced to live vicariously through the handiness of others by watching episodes of home makeover shows or reading “do it yourself” magazines. In fact, I was doing just that when I can across an article that intrigued me. It chronicled the before and after remodeling of 19th century Harlem, NYC townhouse. Once a private residence, the three-story townhouse had later been turned into a boardinghouse and then abandoned. After many years of neglect, the house’s unique treasures and character were hidden: wooden flooring buried under layers of linoleum and vinyl, detailed woodwork smothered by a decades of paint and drywall, and beautiful pocket doors sealed up inside the walls.

Indeed, the new owner had much work to do, but he did it well. He painstakingly pulled the house apart and then reassembled it, using the dwelling’s original elements whenever possible. Mirrors, marble and wood surfaces were stripped and cleaned. And when repairs were not possible, exact replacements were milled and matched. He stated that his goal was to honor the past while bringing it into harmony with the present.
Being duly inspired by this article, I thought this renovation concept was the perfect metaphor to address one of the most frequent questions I get from dads: “How do I improve my fathering?” So, here are a few helpful strategies for those looking for a blueprint to “remodeling” their fathering.

1) Inspect your “fathering” foundation – When remodeling a house, there are few tasks more important than a thorough inspection of its foundation. Indeed, remodeling an unstable structure is truly an exercise in futility. This applies to remodeling your fathering, too. So you need to “inspect” yourself and consider some tough questions like:

• “What do you think are the most important attributes of an effective father and how does your fathering measure against these attributes?”
• “Where are you getting your concept of what it means to be a good father? From your dad? From neighbors or co-workers? From the media?” Are these the best role models?
• “Is your fathering style “child-centered” or “self-centered?” “Do you really know your kids and what they need from you as their dad?”

Pretty tough questions but necessary ones to consider if you want to build a fathering foundation that will help you be the best dad that you can be.
2) Don’t be reluctant to get help – I suspect that when the owner of the Harlem townhouse first entered the place, he said two things: “What a mess!” and “I need some help…fast!” When remodeling your fathering, you may have a similar initial perspective. So, get help. Reach out to others in your family, at church, at work, and in your community. You never know, someone in your network may have just the perspective or strategy that you need to hear in order to solve a particularly difficult fathering dilemma.

I also encourage you to join a fathering group and if you can find one, start one. You don’t have to be an expert to do this. Why? Because good fathering is less about having all the right answers than about having all the right questions. And, if you are looking for great resources, I highly recommend National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI) (www.fatherhood.org). No doubt, NFI has the nation’s largest selection of fatherhood resources for new and experienced dads. If you want to start a group, I suggest the 24/7 Dad Power Hour as a great starting point.

3) Check your “fathering” tool belt – There’s an old saying, “When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail!” Clearly, having the right tool, at the right time, for the right job is one of the keys to successful remodeling and fathering. Do you have the right tools for the job? If not, there’s hope. Like most things in life, good fathering is skill-based and you can get the tools that you need to do it better. That’s why point #2 is so important. It will help you fill out your fathering tool belt.

4) Pick the right “room” – Experts say that you tend to get the most “bang for your buck” if you remodel your kitchen. In fact, they say that if you are on a tight budget and can only afford one remodeling job, the kitchen is the place to start. This advice is not surprising given that the kitchen is a place where families spend so much time. When working on your fathering, you too should be thoughtful about where to start to get the best return on your efforts as well. For example, do you need to work on the differences between you and your wife’s (or mother of your child) parenting styles?

Or do you need to enhance your communication with your kids? How about getting assistance in setting the right boundaries for your kids? Or maybe you need to focus on being more effective in the way that you discipline? A good rule of thumb is to start based on what your kids need most from you. Trust me. If you ask them, they will tell you!
So, there you have it. Follow this handy blueprint and get started now. After all, just like that old house in Harlem, your kids are unique treasures and may have hidden character attributes only you can uncover or restore.

 

[RiverOL]

How Can I Convince My Husband To Go For Marriage Counseling?​

Dear Terry,
Brian and I have been married for seven years and things are going downhill. There were a lot of red flags when we were dating but I ignored them because Brian swept me right off my feet and said he really wanted to make a commitment. But it’s becoming obvious that we just don’t get along.


We argue over little things and our two kids, Becca, 3, and Patrick, 5, are becoming upset and attention seeking. Becca won’t go to sleep on her own and Patrick has been having more temper tantrums.
Before Patrick was born, we already had problems but things started getting worse because we don’t spend time together and I have a stressful new teaching job. Rick comes from a very traditional background and thinks that I should do most of the errands, plus take care of the housework and kids.

It’s getting to the point where I feel resentful and don’t even want to have sex anymore. I know plenty of couples who both work full-time and share responsibilities but we just have an endless round of arguments that never get resolved. It’s gotten worse since I went back to work full-time as a teacher.

We’ve lost most of our loving and passionate feelings for each other and I don’t know how to get them back. I can’t remember the last time we had sex and it didn’t really repair things – we were just going through the motions. My friend Meghan is going for couples counseling and says it helps her marriage but Brian is resistant to going. What can I do to convince Brian to go to see a counselor with me?
Sincerely,
Kristin
Dear Kristin,

Yours is a common problem. What makes for a happy, fulfilled relationship? How can you prevent divorce? The good news is that there are some simple things you can do – positive steps – that can make your relationship better if you and Brian are motivated to make some changes.
One of the main ways you can determine whether couples counseling will help your marriage is your commitment to working on it. For some couples, marriage counseling is really divorce counseling because they’ve already thrown in the towel. For instance, one or both partners may have already decided to end the marriage and he/she uses the counseling as a way to announce this to their partner.

Sometimes, the problems in a marriage can be too ingrained and longstanding for the counseling to be effective. For others, they haven’t taken the time to choose a therapist who is a good fit for them. Hopefully, these issues do not pertain to your situation.
All relationships have ups and downs and work stress can have a negative impact on a marriage. You mention that you’re more stressed recently due to your new job and this could be putting more stain on your relationship. Since you just started a new job, this may not be the best time to make a decision about ending your marriage.

You also mentioned that you’d like Brian to do more chores and spend time doing things you enjoy. Perhaps if you discuss your work hours and responsibilities, you can come up with an arrangement that seems fair for both of you and will minimize resentment. Use active listening and “I” statements such as “I’d appreciate more support with the kids and house so I’ll feel less stressed” rather than a “You” statement such as “You never help out around the house.”

The key is taking responsibility for your own behavior and honest communication with your partner. Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman reminds us that friendship is the glue that can hold a marriage together: “Couples who “know each other intimately [and] are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams” are couples who make it.”
How can I convince my husband to go for marriage counseling?

• Tell Your Partner that an Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure. A motivated couple can begin to explore their problems from a new perspective and can learn new ways to recognize and resolve conflicts as a result of the tools provided by the therapist.
• Explain to Your Husband that It’s Easier to Work on Your Marriage in a Calm, Low-Stress Setting. A trained counselor has the resources and skills to help you get back on track.
• Therapy sessions guided by a seasoned couple’s counselor can provide “neutral territory” to help you work through tough issues or to put aside “baggage” that prevents the couple from moving on.
• Suggest that your husband attend four sessions as a trial and help you select a therapist so he is more engaged in the process.
• Tell Your Partner you’ll be able to look ahead to the future with more confidence. Couples can decide to rebuild their marriage and make a renewed commitment, or clarify the reasons why they need to separate or end the marriage.

Studies show that focusing on developing shared experiences could help you and Rick rev up the love and passion in your marriage. Also, plan some intentional time together every day – like going for a 30-minute walk or sharing conversation over your favorite beverage. For marriage counseling to be effective, you both need to be willing to take responsibility for your part in the problems, to give each other the benefit of the doubt, and be motivated to repair your relationship. It’s important for you to have realistic expectations because it takes more than a few sessions to shed light on the dynamics and to begin the process of change.

 

[RiverOL]

Call Out or Call In? ​ [ 1 min read ★ ] ​

. . . and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free—John 8:32 ​

We cannot mature in our faith without community. We just cannot. The process of maturing isn’t simple, isn’t smooth. It’s one of getting off track and getting on again—again and again. We need help with that. We’re designed to be together. We’re built to need one another. To "grow up healthy in God, robust in love" we need community (Ephesians 4:14-16 MSG). To help, though, our communities must actually be capable of picking us up and getting us on track and encouraging us on. Our communities must be places where we’re willing to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Speaking that way requires moving beyond simply being polite to one another—and ever ignoring or excusing sin. It also requires moving beyond just pointing out sin or shortcomings or what bothers us or what we think might bother God. Speaking the truth in love doesn’t require us to call each other out. It requires us to call each other in—into true identity. It requires us to call each other away from sin (e.g., "you don’t need to do that anymore . . .") and into the identities God had in mind when he designed us, built us, and set us in motion (". . . because this is who you really are"). ​

Okay, so what do we do? Do you have a sense for the true identities of your brothers in community? Get serious about learning. Get intentional about allowing God to show you. When you meet next, have each man bring a favorite story or verse from Scripture. Read them. Talk about them. They’ll point to something true. If a man loves the story of Caleb, for example, it’s likely he’s designed and built to be brave and bold and faithful like Caleb. And his community must help him do just that.​

 

[RiverOL]

What Jesus Wanted His Disciples (And Us) To Know​

Of the four Gospels in the New testament, I have a particular fondness for the Gospel of John – an account of Jesus’ life written by the disciple he was closest too. It is not a stretch to see John as Jesus’ dearest friend and confidante. It was John who reclined against Jesus’ breast at the last supper, and who leant back into him to ask him a question; it was John was self-refers as ‘the disciple who Jesus loved’; and it was John who remained with Jesus throughout his crucifixion, and to whom Jesus gave care of his own mother. John 19:25-28,


‘Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing near by, he said to her, ‘Woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.’

This was not part of the spiritual battle Jesus was fighting; it was the concern of a dying son for his mother, and for his dearest friend.

There is further evidence of John’s closeness to Jesus in the way he writes. Unlike the other three Gospel writers, he doesn’t emphasise signs and wonders, focussing instead on the words and emotions of Jesus. I take great comfort from John’s perspective, especially in the chapters leading up to the crucifixion. After 12 chapters devoted to the life and ministry of Jesus, John devotes 5 chapters to his words, giving us a unique insight into what was weighing on his mind at that time.

Chapters 13-18 are a deeply personal insight into the things Jesus wanted his disciples to know before his death, so let’s take a look at the priorities of Jesus – the things that captured and continue to capture his heart. See the personal way John writes about Jesus. John 13:1,


‘It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.’

Jesus’ expression of these emotions was to wash his disciples’ feet – an extraordinary act of service from the Divine to his creation. When Peter understandably objected, Jesus emphasised the importance of the act in verse 8:

Jesus answered, ‘Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.’

This remains true to this day. A life of faith begins and continues with accepting the service of God. It is an ego crusher, yielding to divine love, but it puts us in the right place to serve others. Verse 14-15:

‘Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.’

A life following Jesus is a life of service. We follow his example.


Next he predicts his betrayal – not from a prophetic distance, but with obvious pain, and then does the same for Peter’s upcoming denial and failure. Verse 21 and 37-38:

‘After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, ‘Very truly I tell you, one of you is going to betray me.’’

…

Peter asked, ‘Lord, why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.’

Then Jesus answered, ‘Will you really lay down your life for me? Very truly I tell you, before the cock crows, you will disown me three times!

Why did Jesus reveal these things? My view is that he was preparing them for the awful shock and tragedy they were about to experience. Life was about to get seriously dark, and for these few their hopes and dreams would seem to be snuffed out entirely. Even in the context of this troubling knowledge, Jesus was preparing them for his absence. Verse 33 -35:


‘My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: where I am going, you cannot come.

‘A new command I give you: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.’

In Chapter 14, Jesus offered comfort to his disciples, warning them once again that they couldn’t yet follow him to where he was going, but assuring them that his absence would not be the end of their relationship with him. Verses 1-3:

‘Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.’

Jesus’ concern for his disciples flows from every word:

• He wants them to have some understanding of what was to come, so that they were not taken completely unawares. This is an expression of the heart of God in his dealings with us today. Life has its torments and tragedies, and he would have us cling to the knowledge that rejoicing comes in the morning. The New Testament is loaded with wisdom about how to approach trials and suffering, which for me are an echo of Jesus’ compassion and concern for his disciples in the run up to the greatest hardship of their lives. In my own life, I’ve drawn deeply from the overflowing compassion and comfort of God in times of trouble.
• He even prepares them for their own failures. When morning came, and Peter heard the cockerel crowing, he must have sunk to the deepest and darkest state of self-recrimination. It should be no surprise that the Gospel of John ends with the reinstatement of Peter, on meeting the Lord by the shores of Galilee, where he’d first met and given his life to Jesus. Above all else, our God is a God of grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. He is the God of endless chances to respond to love.
• He urges them to focus on love, giving them a new commandment to hold to even in dark and troubling times. This too, is the very heart of God for us today. How well do we hold to it? How well do we love those around us and in our congregations? Are we wed to gossip, slander, factions, envy, and division, or do we fall in line with God as he builds his church, preparing it to tear down the very gates of Hell?
• He shows them what service looks like and calls them to do the same. Love and service are the glue that binds us together. They are our greatest spiritual discipline.

 

[RiverOL]

Keeping Fueled & Aflame ​ [ 1 min read ★ ] ​

Take your everyday, ordinary life . . . and place it before God as an offering—Romans 12:1 ​

The author of Hebrews laid down a challenge: “. . . let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” (Hebrews 10:24). Eugene Peterson translated it as, “Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out” (Hebrews 10:24 MSG). What a great challenge for us men, today. It dares us to engage our God-given capacities for imagining and inventing. But, it also dares to direct these capacities toward good purposes, toward God’s purposes. Too often we use our imaginations to envision prosperous futures for ourselves, futures of comfort and materialism and separation . . . or . . . we use them to envision worrisome futures, futures where our worst fears come to pass. And too often, we use our inventiveness to build our own prosperity . . . or . . . to build barricades around our lives to protect ourselves from our fears. What if we stopped doing that so much? What if, in faith, we were to refocus these imaginative and inventive capacities? What if we put them toward the task of keeping ourselves, and keeping those around us “fueled and aflame” (Romans 12:11-13 MSG)? What if we dedicated a few moments―every week, every month―to look at ourselves, our families, our friends, our communities, and allowed ourselves to dream and create? We wouldn’t be alone. God the Holy Spirit would be right there, in those moments, guiding us, inspiring us. ​

Okay, so what do we do? It’s not easy to change how we think and how we act. We need help. Take a few minutes to pray and listen for the Holy Spirit. Be still. Consider the question of how you might encourage “love and good deeds” in your family, among your friends, in your community. Whatever comes―if it fits within the principles of Scripture―trust it and make it happen.​

 

[RiverOL]

3 Steps To Achieve A Healthy And Balanced Relationship​

I hear over and over from women who email or meet with me: “Why can’t I allow myself to be intimate with my partner?” Or: “How come I feel like running every time he seems to take our relationship to the next level.”


For a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel they are needed and appreciated for support they give. If they have been let down in the past, the prospect of needing someone can be frightening. Women with a fear of depending on their partner usually aren’t aware of it. Often, they complain that their partner is not meeting their needs but they don’t want to risk being close to him or her.

Our society prizes independence and it’s encouraged in divorced or high-conflict families when parents are preoccupied with their own issues. Certainly, there is nothing wrong with working hard and becoming self-sufficient. But at its root, extreme self-reliance is about fear of being vulnerable.

Take a moment to consider that you might be sabotaging relationship after relationship if you don’t get beyond your fear of being vulnerable. Your fear of showing weakness or exposing yourself to others, for instance, might be preventing you from being totally engaged in an intimate relationship. You may be freezing out the opportunity for love because you are fearful of sharing your inner most thoughts, feelings, and wishes.
Red Flags of Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

• Are you attracted to partners who want different things from a relationship or have values that are at odds with yours?
• Are you ignoring character traits or behaviors such as dishonesty, possessiveness, or jealous tendencies?
• Are you staying in a relationship too long even when you or important people in your life observe that you seem unhappy or feel mistrustful of your partner?
• Do you pursue partners who are distant or emotionally unavailable even though you know deep down inside that they will never meet your emotional needs?

Reigning in self-reliance will help you build a healthy relationship with a partner who is a good match for you. When you first discover that your independent nature sometimes prevents you from true intimacy, you may be unsure about how to change this pattern. It is often hard to decipher whether self-reliance is positive or negative. Becoming more conscious of your partner’s needs and the value of interdependence is critical to developing lasting love.
3 Steps to Achieving Vulnerability and Interdependence in Relationships
While all relationships present us with risks, they are risks worth taking. The following steps will guide you on your journey to being vulnerable and intimate with a partner:

• Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about accepting nurturing and support from your partner. Resist the urge to be overly independent and self-reliant around hot-button issues such as money, work, or family matters – like where you might celebrate holidays or go on vacations. Full disclosure about important topics is essential if you want to build intimacy with your partner.
• Visualize yourself in an honest and open relationship and work toward allowing yourself to be more vulnerable with your partner – let them nurture you and practice being more open about your needs. Vulnerability is a critical aspect of intimacy.
• Remind yourself daily that it’s healthy to accept help from others and a sign of strength rather than weakness. Developing interdependence with a partner will allow you to become more intimate with them. Don’t let your fear of rejection or loss stop you from achieving trusting, intimate relationships. Surrender your shield and let your partner in.

Taking ownership of your own unhealthy patterns that prevent you from true intimacy is crucial to achieving a balanced relationship and interdependence. You must let others in and embrace the idea that you don’t have to go through life alone. Healthy partnerships are within reach if you let go of fear and believe you are worthy of love and all the gifts it has to offer.

 

[RiverOL]

You Can’t Have Your Intimacy And Your Control, Too​

When my husband and I married, I thought it was my responsibility to teach him how to do things the right way. (My way.) When he called me a control freak, I got mad.

But I didn’t know how to stop being a control freak and let my husband take over.
I disguised my control as “help.” As his wife, I made it my number one duty to help him.
He called me bossy.
I told him how to do laundry. He ignored me.

I told him how to load the dishwasher. He ignored me.
I told him how we should manage our money.
He ignored me.

Intimacy in my marriage vanished like frost on a sunny day.
He didn’t want my “help.” He said I was a bossy control freak. (I said that’s redundant.)
Do you have control issues in your marriage? Are you a control freak?
Even though I wouldn’t admit it at the time, I knew he was right.

I was a bossy control freak trying to get my way under the guise of “help”​

I couldn’t find it within myself to let him take over.
I needed to “help.”
For example, I tried to teach him how to separate laundry my way. I separated it by category and color. Whites, undies, towels. He just threw it all in together, which annoyed me.
Week after week, I’d tell him the proper way to do laundry.

Week after week, he defiantly threw it all in together.
The more I tried to control the laundry situation, the dishwasher situation, the money situation… the more he ignored me.
Fortunately those days are over. I’m a recovering control freak. He still does laundry wrong, but I’ve learned skills that allow me to accept it.

Early in my marriage, I didn’t have the relationship skills and didn’t understand how my bossy control-freakiness was affecting intimacy in my marriage.
I didn’t have the experience to know the more I tried to control him, the farther he pushed me away.
I now know when you try to control a man, he feels disrespected. He feels like you’re saying he’s not capable or smart enough to do the job. And in all honesty, I did feel that way. I thought I knew better. But I didn’t.

A man who feels disrespected is not a happy man or an intimate man.
In order to rebuild intimacy in my marriage, I had to learn to stop trying to control everything. It wasn’t easy. But to get the kind of marriage I wanted (or keep the marriage I had), it was necessary.

The strange part about giving up control–besides feeling like he’s going to mess things up–is you actually feel relief, and you can relax.
Doing all the work (or telling him how to do it) not only puts you in control, but it’s also exhausting.
Does the thought of letting your husband take over make you want to throw up?
I get it.

I want my intimacy and my control you, too.​

You can’t have it both ways. Letting go of control is important to intimacy in your marriage. The more you try to control the more distant he will become. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s married to his mother.

If you want intimacy, you can’t have control. You’ve got to choose.
Control is usually driven by fear. When you want to control the outcome, it’s usually because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t.

• You ty to control the money because you fear going broke or into debt.
• You try to control what he wears because you fear he’ll embarrass you.
• You try to control what he eats because you fear he’ll get fat and have a heart attack.
• You try to control how he takes care of the kids because you fear people will think you’re bad parents.
• You try to control how he does laundry because you fear he’ll mess up the clothes.
• You try to control because you fear you’re not enough.

The sooner you relinquish control, the sooner you’ll restore intimacy.
I had to learn to let go to restore my marriage.
Letting go isn’t easy. It’s terrifying. You may have to take baby steps like I did.

Pick one area of your relationship–finance, food, kids, laundry–and relinquish control. Just let it go. Try it for a day or so and see what happens. Let him do it his way or the way he thinks is best.
The more you let go, the more respected he’ll feel. The more respected he feels, the more loved you’ll feel.

The need to control will drive the intimacy right out of your marriage. Give up control and build intimacy instead.

 

[RiverOL]

What If My Husband Is Viewing Porn?​

If a wife discovers her husband has been secretly viewing porn, feeling “violated and disappointed” are understatements



What if you discover your husband is viewing porn?
Trust takes a huge hit. And intimacy suffers.
During an episode of a popular show on NBC, one of the main characters suspects her fiancé is viewing pornography.

She’s not upset. She laughs.
In that 10-second scene, NBC normalizes porn in relationships.
If a character on a popular TV show laughs when she thinks her fiancé is viewing porn, why can’t you?
If you discovery your husband is viewing porn, contrary to what NBC says, it’s not funny and it’s not okay.
Porn is a huge industry and a huge problem.
Seventy percent of Christian men view porn.

Other than the people raking in millions in the porn industry, not many have positive things to say about it.
It does not enhance intimacy. It damages it.
It’s an unhealthy way to satisfy a natural desire.
There’s nothing “okay” about it.

If your husband is viewing porn, it has nothing to do with you and don’t let anyone tell you that it does.
If he views porn, it’s about him. Men view porn for a variety of reasons. And you’re not the cause of any of them.
But if you discover your husband has been secretly viewing pornography, you might feel unattractive and violated. You instantly feel distanced from him, not closer.

And you almost certainly won’t laugh.

7 more reasons wives shouldn’t be okay with porn​

1. Porn gives your husband a distorted view of what he should consider attractive.
Porn makes sex about the body and not about the relationship. If your body changes, your husband may have a difficult time getting aroused.
2. Porn affects arousal in your husband affecting sex in your marriage.
In one of the most comprehensive studies on porn consumption ever conducted, researchers found that after being exposed to porn both men and women were significantly less happy with their partner’s looks, sexual performance, and willingness to try new sex acts.
3. Porn creates unrealistic expectations.
People think, “Your husband knows porn is fake.” Reality says he may be wishing you could do some of the things he’s sees on screen because that’s what “hot” sex looks like.
4. Porn can lead your husband to seek sexual satisfaction outside of marriage.
He may become dissatisfied with watching porn and want to participate instead of viewing, which could lead to engagement with prostitutes.
5. Porn makes sex with you seem boring.

And why wouldn’t it? Chances are you don’t have a 24 inch waist and perfectly shaped Double D’s. Women in pornographic films haven’t had three children. They don’t have stretch marks or love handles. Unlike real women, porn stars are always revved up and ready to go. They’re never tired and they’re always ready to try something exciting and new.

6. Porn reduces your husband’s sex drive.
Men are visual. After watching porn, he may no longer have a desire to satisfy you sexually. It might be too much work. When watching porn, he’s not concerned with satisfying you. It’s not about a mutually satisfying relationship, which may reduce his sex drive because sex with you is too much work.

7. Porn may be a sign of a deeper issue.
Porn is an addictive behavior. Sometimes stress or deep emotional issues can lead a man to view porn. His desire to view porn may have little or nothing to do with you. As disappointing as it is, try not to take it personally. Your self-esteem is not tied to your husband’s addiction.
If you suspect your husband is viewing porn, it’s okay to be mad.

Don’t ignore it. Talk to him.
As hurtful as it is, be careful not to sound like you’re accusing or shaming him.
Chances are, he already feels awful about it.

Encourage him to seek help, either from a pastor, counselor or a like-minded group of men.
Let him know you love him, support him and you want to help him.
As traumatic as this can be, tough issues can lead to greater trust and deeper love.