What makes a woman become a mistress? StarMag speaks to one, as well as a mother and daughter who have to share the man in their lives.
Lena’s story
WE were together for three years. When I first knew M, he wasn’t married. The first time I saw him, I actually went home and told my mother that I had met the man who would be my future husband.
But we remained just friends and always hung out in a group. For a while, we were both caught up with our busy lives and did not see much of each other.
When he looked me up again, he told me he was married. I was shocked! It was an arranged marriage; his wife’s family was very poor and needed his family to bail them out of their debts. A few weeks passed. He propositioned me in a e-mail: “I can be nothing more than a temporary boyfriend to you. Will you be my mistress?”
I was so offended that I did not communicate with him for three months. During that time, a lot went through my mind. My divorce had been finalised, but the wounds from the abusive and faithless marriage were still fresh. My self-esteem was at an all-time low. I tried dating, but at my age, single men were practically extinct. All I was left with were divorced or married men.
How divorced women are perceived
Continuation of Lena's story...
3 strikes against me
I have always been very outspoken. Men didn’t like that. They also have a certain perception of divorced women – that we are easy and loose. Divorced women are fair game; they don’t have feelings and deserve no respect. I have had horrible things said to me, and about me.
So three strikes against me: I am divorced, I think, I speak out. I was angry at life. Surely I deserved better than the cards dealt me? I started to contemplate saying yes to M. It would be a respite from the weary battles going on in my life.
When we saw each other again, I was very frank with him. I told him I was saying yes but I had nothing to offer him physically; I did not know how to please a man. My ex-husband never slept with me; he was abusive. M was shocked!
Women want to be treated with respect
Continuation of Lena's story...
Treat me with respect
For some months after that, M and I didn’t do anything. He didn’t even hold my hand. For once in my life, I knew what it was like to be in a relationship with a man who treated me like a respectable woman.
The first time we had sex, it was funny. We laughed and joked. He was also very gentle with me. From that moment on, I didn’t look back.
When we were together, I was happy. We talked about everyday stuff and enjoyed each other’s company. We saw each other once or twice a week. At that stage his wife was working in Hong Kong.
He adored me, imperfections and all. He was proud of my work. Because of his family background and good looks, he had beautiful young starlets throwing themselves at him. But he only saw me.
One day, I met an American woman living in Malaysia who needed counselling. She told me that her husband was having an affair with the second wife of a Tan Sri and how absolutely heartbroken she was. That struck me like a physical blow – I felt her pain. I told myself I could not do it anymore.
Around the same time, M’s mother handed him a decree: he and his wife had to be a proper family, and not live separately. So his wife returned to the family home.
We broke up six months ago. It was meant to happen.
I don't want to still be a mistress when I’m 60
Continuation of Lena's story...
Heart of stone
Staying with him would be the easy way out. He would take care of me financially for the rest of my life, and I would have the company of a man who loved me and whom I had grown to love.
But I didn’t want to still be a mistress when I’m 60.
Did I feel guilty when I was with him? No. I never thought of his wife or kids. They had no faces and, therefore, could not be hurt.
A mistress needs to have a heart of stone and be very focused. When you’re with him, there are just the two of you. You cannot ask about his world, or yours will come crumbling. You would end up insecure and needy. Yet, you know you will never fully own him.
I think M came into my life for one reason: to let me know there was nothing wrong with me, that I could please a man, that I was a woman. I am not proud of what I did, but I don’t regret it.
* Lena (not her real name) is 40 and a social activist.
