3 Ways To Co-Parent With A Bullying Ex brought up in an insecure environment
bad parent behavior
Co-parenting with a bullying ex is all about conflict management. You’ll never turn your mean-spirited former spouse into a reasonable person, but you can learn ways to dial down the conflict and manage your own reactions. Read on to find out how.Let go of the fantasy that your ex will change. Many people believe that successful co-parenting involves a secret formula that will turn a nightmare ex into a garden-variety human being. This is unlikely! High-conflict people have entrenched personality structures that cause them to blame other people. Once you realize that your spouse is never going to be able to consciously co-parent, you can adjust your expectations accordingly. Otherwise, you will continue to break your own heart by having your well-intentioned attempts to co-parent met with vitriol.
Communicate Strategically. Bullying exes love sending nasty emails and texts! It’s an easy, lazy way of engaging in warfare and offloading whatever anger and shame they might be feeling onto you. Don’t take the bait and respond in kind. If you react with anger, fear, or defensiveness, he or she will know exactly how to hurt you and continue barraging you with cyber-bullets. When communicating with your high-conflict spouse, keep your emails brief, factual, and neutral in tone. Set your boundaries and be firm – don’t engage in a negotiation via email rallies. If your heart pounds when you read an angry email, wait till you cool down before responding or sending your response. If you communicate in an almost robotic way, you won’t make your spouse nicer, but you will give him less to fight about.
Manage your emotional reactivity. The worst thing about co-parenting with a bully isn’t so much his (or her) behavior but your reaction to his behavior. If you are in a perpetual state of turmoil resenting the crappy things he did or worrying about the crappy things he might do or the impact all this will have on your children, you will make yourself nuts. And if your nervous system is in overdrive, you will struggle to function at work, parent your children effectively, or enjoy any aspect of your life.
Tips for staying calm include:
Limiting contact with your ex;
Practicing strategic communication as discussed above;
Not taking the crazy things your ex says about you personally;
Using coping skills such as mindfulness meditation, grounding exercises, and
Journaling to tolerate distress.
Staying on an even keel will help you navigate co-parenting conflicts with a clear head.
The better you’re able to cope with your difficult ex, the better your children will cope with the divorce. Kids absorb their parents’ stress, so do what you can to manage the conflict. You can’t control what your ex does, but you can control how you choose to respond to your ex and what you model to your children.
Anecdote :
For the sake of the kids , always remember both warring adults were raised by their own parents too and every parent loves their children . If the ex tries to bully you , remind him that you have parents too and nobody will tolerate such mean behaviour.
Having brought kids into this world , it’s unkind to create an atmosphere that is not conducive to their upbringing . They should be given love, security , a happy childhood and the best shot in life instead of the fear of uncertainty amidst a high tension filled environment that will affect his future. Isn’t that selfish and unkind to your own flesh and blood if you were not raised by your own parents under such circumstances?
When I was in primary school , I had a classmate who always looked reserved and sad . One day when I was walking home afte school , I saw him sobbing at a corner and I ventured to talk to him to find out why ? As he wept , he told me his parents are divorcing , I was in primary three but I was not sure what it means . Upon reaching home , I asked my parent what is ‘divorcing’ and was totalling dumbfounded when I learnt about this new word . That word became lodged in my mind and I reminded myself that I will not even think of it when I have my own children one day . It was devastating to see how sad my classmate was as though the sky had collapsed on him.
Going through so many arguments and quarrels in my marriage life , I remained married despite going through counselling and an almost divorce demanded by my Wife. I was a reluctant party because of my primary school incident that replayed in my mind each time the word divorce crops up . We are now into our 41st anniversary and I am happy that I have the patience and tolerance to overcome some difficulties of two persons living a marriage life together. Respect , care , not being too calculating and cooling down when the heat is high are factors important for are blissful marriage. At times when I was being hurtful with my words during quarrels and my spouse wept uncontrollably , I suddenly felt uneasy and questioned myself if she had put me in that position and I’m the one feeling hurt instead. It dawned on me what if it happens to my kids one day ? So I learnt how to be tolerant to diffuse a heated argument preventing it from escalating into a situation beyond remedy. A marriage is sacred , we took the vow together and will not want to hurt each other bearing in mind we have parents and kids that will cause irreparable harm to their well being when a divorce is on the cards. Best wishes to all married couples with a happy family.
bad parent behavior
Co-parenting with a bullying ex is all about conflict management. You’ll never turn your mean-spirited former spouse into a reasonable person, but you can learn ways to dial down the conflict and manage your own reactions. Read on to find out how.Let go of the fantasy that your ex will change. Many people believe that successful co-parenting involves a secret formula that will turn a nightmare ex into a garden-variety human being. This is unlikely! High-conflict people have entrenched personality structures that cause them to blame other people. Once you realize that your spouse is never going to be able to consciously co-parent, you can adjust your expectations accordingly. Otherwise, you will continue to break your own heart by having your well-intentioned attempts to co-parent met with vitriol.
Communicate Strategically. Bullying exes love sending nasty emails and texts! It’s an easy, lazy way of engaging in warfare and offloading whatever anger and shame they might be feeling onto you. Don’t take the bait and respond in kind. If you react with anger, fear, or defensiveness, he or she will know exactly how to hurt you and continue barraging you with cyber-bullets. When communicating with your high-conflict spouse, keep your emails brief, factual, and neutral in tone. Set your boundaries and be firm – don’t engage in a negotiation via email rallies. If your heart pounds when you read an angry email, wait till you cool down before responding or sending your response. If you communicate in an almost robotic way, you won’t make your spouse nicer, but you will give him less to fight about.
Manage your emotional reactivity. The worst thing about co-parenting with a bully isn’t so much his (or her) behavior but your reaction to his behavior. If you are in a perpetual state of turmoil resenting the crappy things he did or worrying about the crappy things he might do or the impact all this will have on your children, you will make yourself nuts. And if your nervous system is in overdrive, you will struggle to function at work, parent your children effectively, or enjoy any aspect of your life.
Tips for staying calm include:
Limiting contact with your ex;
Practicing strategic communication as discussed above;
Not taking the crazy things your ex says about you personally;
Using coping skills such as mindfulness meditation, grounding exercises, and
Journaling to tolerate distress.
Staying on an even keel will help you navigate co-parenting conflicts with a clear head.
The better you’re able to cope with your difficult ex, the better your children will cope with the divorce. Kids absorb their parents’ stress, so do what you can to manage the conflict. You can’t control what your ex does, but you can control how you choose to respond to your ex and what you model to your children.
Anecdote :
For the sake of the kids , always remember both warring adults were raised by their own parents too and every parent loves their children . If the ex tries to bully you , remind him that you have parents too and nobody will tolerate such mean behaviour.
Having brought kids into this world , it’s unkind to create an atmosphere that is not conducive to their upbringing . They should be given love, security , a happy childhood and the best shot in life instead of the fear of uncertainty amidst a high tension filled environment that will affect his future. Isn’t that selfish and unkind to your own flesh and blood if you were not raised by your own parents under such circumstances?
When I was in primary school , I had a classmate who always looked reserved and sad . One day when I was walking home afte school , I saw him sobbing at a corner and I ventured to talk to him to find out why ? As he wept , he told me his parents are divorcing , I was in primary three but I was not sure what it means . Upon reaching home , I asked my parent what is ‘divorcing’ and was totalling dumbfounded when I learnt about this new word . That word became lodged in my mind and I reminded myself that I will not even think of it when I have my own children one day . It was devastating to see how sad my classmate was as though the sky had collapsed on him.
Going through so many arguments and quarrels in my marriage life , I remained married despite going through counselling and an almost divorce demanded by my Wife. I was a reluctant party because of my primary school incident that replayed in my mind each time the word divorce crops up . We are now into our 41st anniversary and I am happy that I have the patience and tolerance to overcome some difficulties of two persons living a marriage life together. Respect , care , not being too calculating and cooling down when the heat is high are factors important for are blissful marriage. At times when I was being hurtful with my words during quarrels and my spouse wept uncontrollably , I suddenly felt uneasy and questioned myself if she had put me in that position and I’m the one feeling hurt instead. It dawned on me what if it happens to my kids one day ? So I learnt how to be tolerant to diffuse a heated argument preventing it from escalating into a situation beyond remedy. A marriage is sacred , we took the vow together and will not want to hurt each other bearing in mind we have parents and kids that will cause irreparable harm to their well being when a divorce is on the cards. Best wishes to all married couples with a happy family.
