Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[hornylee]

Microsoft vs. GM


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for
the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft,
we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road,
close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but
would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An
Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock
you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted
the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

[yinyang]

Check this out..:p



What's with petting a dog??

 

[yinyang]

New ride to solve our ERP woes? :p

 

[hornylee]

A man walks into a store with his eight-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see." replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that
in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies,

"Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday,
and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks
"Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers,
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.



One for January, one for February, one for March........"

 

[yinyang]

The prosecutor vs the defendant?

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

 

[yinyang]

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE: For The Perfect Marriage

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed.

Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A re-run of great 'one liner's' from the man who was known for his clean humor.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas .

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

5. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was.

She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a m&d pack and looked great for two days. Then the m&d fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was ' Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".

Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. Further, there was no PC and all laughed…… And he always ended his programs with the words,

"And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.

 

[yinyang]

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled..."Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

New Book
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?" She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Poor Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard!!

The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane.

 

[looneytan]

A man walks into a store with his eight-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?"
...........

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.



One for January, one for February, one for March........"

mine is more like ...

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 4 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.



One for each trimester........"

 

[yinyang]

In the light of Syrian crisis...

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

 

[yinyang]

Re: Homeless golfer needs help?

How ro recognise famous painters (or artwork)

Art history has never been so easy!

Reddit user DontTacoBoutIt (now a dead account) posted a series of famous paintings and gave short but hilariously accurate explanations on how to recognize their authors.

According to him, Da Vinci’s works can be recognized by the bluish mist and locations reminiscent of Lord Of The Rings movies, while Rubens’paintings can be identified by the figures’ large behind.

Though some may fault them for being gross over-generalizations, these descriptions take the recognizable essence of each painter’s work and put it in very easy words that anyone can understand and, more importantly, remember.

If everyone in the paintings has enormous asses, then it’s Rubens.

 

[yinyang]

If all the men look like cow-eyed curly-haired women, it’s Caravaggio.



If everybody has some sort of body malfunction, then it’s Picasso.

 

[zhihau]

If everybody has some sort of body malfunction, then it’s Picasso.
View attachment 12188

bwahahahahahahaa... give half ball leh!

 

[yinyang]

More famous artwork?

If it’s something you saw on your acid trip last night, it’s Dali.



If the images have a dark background and everyone has tortured expressions on their faces, it’s Titian.

 

[yinyang]

More famous artwork (learning curve for me too!:p:o)

If the paintings have tons of little people in them but otherwise seem normal, it’s Bruegel.



If everyone – including the women – looks like Putin, then it’s van Eyck.

 

[yinyang]

More famous artwork?

If the paintings have lots of little people in them but also have a ton of crazy bullshit, it’s Bosch.



If everyone looks like hobos illuminated only by a dim streetlamp, it’s Rembrandt.



If the painting could easily have a few chubby Cupids or sheep added (or already has them), it’s Boucher.

 

[yinyang]

More....

If everyone is beautiful, naked and stacked, it’s Michelangelo.



If you see a ballerina, it’s Degas.



If everything is highly-contrasted and sharp, sort of bluish, and everyone has gaunt bearded faces, it’s El Greco.

 

[yinyang]

If every painting is the face of a uni-browed woman, it’s Frida


Dappled light but no figures, it’s Monet.



Dappled light and happy party-time people, it’s Renoir.

 

[yinyang]

More famous (and dead) artists

Lord Of The Rings landscapes with weird blue mist and the same wavy-haired aristocratic-nose Madonna, it’s Da Vinci.

 

[yinyang]

Saved best for the last. This we don't have any recognition issues :p

Excel sheet with coloured squares, it’s Mondrian.

 

[yinyang]

bwahahahahahahaa... give half ball leh!

zhihau, thanks for dropping by ...even if for laughs. Me can't even draw for nuts!:o