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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Ah Neh joke 
Ramasamy is on his deathbed. He asks his nurse to be a witness to his will.
His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside, all grieving
...
"So", he says to them :
"Lingam, I want you to take the houses in Stevens Road .."
"Saraswathy, take the apartments over in Bukit Timah Estate..."
"Jega, I want you to take the offices over in the CBD ...."
"Lulumali, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Tekka"..
The nurse is just so amazed and envious by all this, and as Ramasamy breathes his last, she says, "Mrs Lulumali, your husband must have been such a hardworking and rich man to have accumulated such a lot of wealth ...
for all of you...
Lulumali replies, "Aiyoh ! We deliver newspapers lah ! "
Ramasamy is on his deathbed. He asks his nurse to be a witness to his will.
His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside, all grieving
"So", he says to them :
"Lingam, I want you to take the houses in Stevens Road .."
"Saraswathy, take the apartments over in Bukit Timah Estate..."
"Jega, I want you to take the offices over in the CBD ...."
"Lulumali, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in Tekka"..
The nurse is just so amazed and envious by all this, and as Ramasamy breathes his last, she says, "Mrs Lulumali, your husband must have been such a hardworking and rich man to have accumulated such a lot of wealth ...
Lulumali replies, "Aiyoh ! We deliver newspapers lah ! "
Short facts of life :p
Doctor : How is your headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.
◆
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
◆
Whisky is a brilliant invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.
◆
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that, the slide show begins.
◆
Q - You know why women love shoes?
Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , the shoes always fit..
◆
Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..
◆
Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle?
Ans - There are no Shopping Centers..
◆
Q - How to save a Dying Woman?
Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..
◆
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..
◆
There are 3 kinds of men in this
world.
Some remain single and make
wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....
◆
Wives are magicians........
They can change anything into an argument.
◆
Women live a Better, Longer &
Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
WHY?
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
Women don't have a Wife
:pDoctor : How is your headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.
◆
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
◆
Whisky is a brilliant invention.
One double and you start feeling single again.
◆
It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that, the slide show begins.
◆
Q - You know why women love shoes?
Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , the shoes always fit..
◆
Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..
◆
Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle?
Ans - There are no Shopping Centers..
◆
Q - How to save a Dying Woman?
Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..
◆
Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..
◆
There are 3 kinds of men in this
world.
Some remain single and make
wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....
◆
Wives are magicians........
They can change anything into an argument.
◆
Women live a Better, Longer &
Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
WHY?
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
Women don't have a Wife
Sex Ed 101: Faletio Advice
Chicks in heat must wait at least a split second after midnight on their 18th birthday.
Fact 1: Men love to get a good blow job.
Fact 2: Men hate to get their penises chafed by your teeth.
Fact 3: Men love to cum in your mouth.
Fact 4: Men hate when you can't make them cum.
Lesson Learned:
If at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking until you do suck seed.
Chicks in heat must wait at least a split second after midnight on their 18th birthday.
Fact 1: Men love to get a good blow job.
Fact 2: Men hate to get their penises chafed by your teeth.
Fact 3: Men love to cum in your mouth.
Fact 4: Men hate when you can't make them cum.
Lesson Learned:
If at first you don't succeed, keep on sucking until you do suck seed.
Condom Conundrum
A guy goes in to his doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I got 14 kids and I don't want anymore".
The doctor gives the guy a pack of condoms and says, "Before you have sex, put these on your organ".
9 months later the guy goes back to the doctor and says, "Hey doc, the condoms did not work. My wife just had another baby"!
The doctor asks, "Did you put the condom on your organ like I told you to do"?
And the guy says, I don't have an organ so I put them on my piano instead".
A guy goes in to his doctor's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I got 14 kids and I don't want anymore".
The doctor gives the guy a pack of condoms and says, "Before you have sex, put these on your organ".
9 months later the guy goes back to the doctor and says, "Hey doc, the condoms did not work. My wife just had another baby"!
The doctor asks, "Did you put the condom on your organ like I told you to do"?
And the guy says, I don't have an organ so I put them on my piano instead".
Hot And Cold Sex
An old couple in their seventies goes to the same doctor at the same time for an annual check-up. The Doctor examines the man first and finds he's in good health and asks if he has any questions.
"Well, Doctor, I have a question about my sex life with the missus. Seems like the first time we have sex, I get all hot and sweaty, but the second time we fool around I get the chills and feel too cold to perform."
The Doctor thinks about this and tells the husband he'll talk to the man's wife first before he figures out what he can do.
The wife gets her physical examination, and she, too, is in good health. The Doctor then brings up her husband's concerns.
"He says that when you have sex for the first time he feels rather hot and sweaty and the second time he feels cold and gets a chill. What can you tell me about this phenomena?'
The wife rolls her eyes and replies, "That idiot! He feels that way because we only have sex twice a year! The first time it's in July and the second time is in December!"
"Well, Doctor, I have a question about my sex life with the missus. Seems like the first time we have sex, I get all hot and sweaty, but the second time we fool around I get the chills and feel too cold to perform."
The Doctor thinks about this and tells the husband he'll talk to the man's wife first before he figures out what he can do.
The wife gets her physical examination, and she, too, is in good health. The Doctor then brings up her husband's concerns.
"He says that when you have sex for the first time he feels rather hot and sweaty and the second time he feels cold and gets a chill. What can you tell me about this phenomena?'
The wife rolls her eyes and replies, "That idiot! He feels that way because we only have sex twice a year! The first time it's in July and the second time is in December!"
TGIF :p
Wrong password?
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis,"
and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says,
"Error. Not long enough."
--------------------------------
Evolution?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
------------------------
Biggest Liar?
Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
------------------------------
Q&A: Mllion?
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Wrong password?
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis,"
and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says,
"Error. Not long enough."
--------------------------------
Evolution?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
------------------------
Biggest Liar?
Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
------------------------------
Q&A: Mllion?
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Organ at Church
Miss Beatrice, de church organist, was in her eighties & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One aft'noon de pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, They began to chat ... de pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the Organ, keep it Wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter
Miss Beatrice, de church organist, was in her eighties & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One aft'noon de pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, They began to chat ... de pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the Organ, keep it Wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter
Funnies with sexist bent... :p
ATB mobile contact?
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629.
--------------------------------
Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
----------------
Bill C & Pope
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven.
When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.
The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
ATB mobile contact?
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629.
--------------------------------
Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
----------------
Bill C & Pope
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven.
When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.
The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
Sex with Teach?
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."
She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.
As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher."
The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
------------------------
Boobs (and willies)
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
----------------------------------
Bikers kiss
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
----------------------------------
Bar escapade
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.
"Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?"
“Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!"
At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles.
"Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?"
Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"
After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."
She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done.
As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher."
The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
------------------------
Boobs (and willies)
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
----------------------------------
Bikers kiss
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"
----------------------------------
Bar escapade
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.
"Hello there and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?"
“Sure!" replies Jim. "Let's go!"
At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles.
"Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" "Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?"
Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"
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