Jokes To Share

[Borat]

Bishop's Child.....

The bishop spoke to the congregation about the priest and nun shortage.

"Too many of you are only having one child and letting them go off into other professions. I propose that each family should have three children: one for the father, one for the mother and one for the church."

A few days later, the bishop was out grocery shopping when he saw a pregnant woman from his parish. But before he could say hello, she shouted above the crowd, "This one is yours, Bishop!"

 

[groober2011]

Collecting a semen sample from an old man...

---

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to give a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing"

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that darn jar open."

 

[groober2011]

The New Bride

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

 

[groober2011]

Pain Killers

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

 

[groober2011]

A Experimental Machine

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

 

[groober2011]

Happy Birthday

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

 

[groober2011]

Obama Country

A man is sitting in a bar in Arizona, on travel and far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him off his bar stool, then stomps out. The man gets back up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.

Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too !!" Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country ??"

"Nope," replies the bartender, "Horse country."

 

[groober2011]

Blowjob

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her “Darling, would you give me a blow job?”

Horrified, she replies “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

Him: “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

Her: “No way. It’s just too risky!”

Him (horny as hell): “Oh please, please, I love you so much!”

Her: “No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”

Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”

Her: “No, no. I just can’t”

Him: “I beg you… ”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

“Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..”

 

[groober2011]

Wrong side of the bed

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you"

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you." But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was Rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong?" I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers

 

[groober2011]

A man's life

A man's life is like a penis; simple, relaxed, and just hanging out freely...,
its women that make it hard!

 

[groober2011]

First sermon

A recently ordained Irish priest was delivering his first sermon to his new parish.

"As I drove into your town last week, I witnessed three abominations:
First, I saw a man in a field committing an unnatural act with a sheep.
I drove on farther and saw another man committing the same vile act with another sheep.
And then, at the edge of town, I saw a man committing an abomination with himself."

A voice spoke up from the back of the congregation: "Aye, that'll be old Paddy Fitzpatrick. He never could catch a sheep!"

 

[erection2015]

Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car
after you paid for one.
Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the
money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.
"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".
The man signed the papers, started waliking away and then stooped, turned
and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the morning or at the
afternnon".
"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.
"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".

 

[erection2015]

Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
--

 

[erection2015]

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian was drinking at a bar
discussing what they had done the previous evening.
The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her
scream non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for
fifteen minutes straight."
The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all
over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with
the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours,
phenomenal!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
Indian : "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

 

[Borat]

Happy Birthday

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

That got me in stitches. Keep it up guise.

 

[groober2011]

Some Funny Ones

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning
to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did
.... she's 21 and her name's Lacy.



Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.




My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better
stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

 

[groober2011]

Supplies

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers: an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese.

He says to the Irishman - "you're in charge of sweeping, I want this whole area swept up before I get back".

He says to the Italian - "You're in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away."

He says to the Chinaman - "You're in charge of supplies. Make sure that all gets done before I get back."

Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done.

The Irishman says, "I couldn't find a broom.

You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared."

The Italian says "And I couldn't find a shovel".

So the foreman starts walking and looking for the Chinese.

Just then, the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams "SUPPLIES!"

 

[groober2011]

There's a rich guy and a poor guy having a conversation one day. The rich guy was saying how it was his wife's birthday last week. The poor guy inquires, "Oh yeah? What did someone like you buy her?" The rich guy responds, "Well I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes-Benz". Puzzled the poor guy asks, "why would you get her both?".

To which the rich guy retorts, "well if she didn't like the diamond, she has a new Mercedes, and if she doesn't like the Mercedes she always has the diamond ring". The poor guy says, "I know what your mean, a few months ago it was my wife's birthday. I bought her a new pair of slippers and a dildo". The rich guy inquires, "that's a strange combination why the slippers and the dildo?"

To which the poor guy responded, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself".

 

[groober2011]

Salty Willy

Johnny's little sister 'Little Sally' came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother. 'Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!'
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'it reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked. 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No..... salty.'

 

[groober2011]

The Honeymoon

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, 'What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
'I had tolio as a child,' he answered.
'You mean polio?' she asked.
'No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.'
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
'What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!'
'As a child, I also had kneasles,' he explained.
'You mean measles?' she asked.
'No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.'
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
'Don't tell me,' she said.
'Let me guess..................Smallcox?'