Jokes To Share

[Windsor]

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

 

[Windsor]

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"

 

[Windsor]

A blonde was at an airport. She was excited, as this would be her very first time riding in a plane; she was flying to see her relatives, so she was at the airport, when she realized she had to buy a ticket.

So she goes up to the counter where they are selling tickets. She says to the clerk, "Yes, I'd like 1 ticket to New Jersey, please."
The clerk looks at her and says, "One-way, or round trip?"
The blonde replies, "One way."

So she buys her ticket, and hurries off. A little later, though, she comes right back to the same clerk. She says, "Yes, I'd like 1 ticket to New Jersey, one way, please."
The clerk looks at her strangely, but still hands her another ticket.
She hurries off, and yet again comes back to the desk to buy another ticket.
"Yes, I'd li-"

She was interrupted by the clerk, who was obviously fed up by now. She yelled at the blonde, "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU KEEP COMING BACK FOR MORE AND MORE TICKETS! WHY?"

The blonde replies, "I... don't .. know..!" She breaks out in tears, then continues her sentence, "This stupid guy keeps coming up to me and ripping my ticket in half!"

 

[Windsor]

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

 

[erection2015]

This gay guy goes to the doctor and asks him, "Doctor, How can I grow
hair on my chest?"

Doctor replies,"Well you take this vaseline and you rub it on your chest
for 10 days."

Gay guy says," Really? That's all I've gotta do?'

Doctor says, "Yep, That's all you've gotta do!"

So the gay guy goes home and he sits in front of the mirror checking
himself out as he's rubbing this vaseline on his chest. Then suddenly
his roomate (who is a straight guy) walks in and says, "What the HELL
are you doing!!"

The gay guy says,'The doctor said if I rub this vaseline on my chest for
10 days then I will grow hair on chest!".

His roomate replies, "Bullshit! If that was the case you'd have a
ponytail growing out of your ASS!"

 

[Windsor]

Italian Who Went To Malta

Real funny video.

 

[Windsor]

Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes:

'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife - if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

 

[Windsor]

Bob the Chicken

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob..'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax slowly start clucking and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did start cluckin, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon clucked away and laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was clucking and about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.......

"BOB, wake up you son of a bitch, you’ve shit the bed!"

 

[Windsor]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Response

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags!!

 

[Windsor]

The Aisle Seat

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?"he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

MOTTO: THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN

 

[sirus]

WISE OBSERVATION

The difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Archeologist: Someone whose career lies in ruins.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he becomes in her.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much:
those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

They say that alcohol kills slowly.
So what? Who's in a hurry ?


Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive


One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people.


There was a man who said,
"I never knew what happiness was, until I got married
and then it was too late."

 

[Windsor]

Ralph's Surgery

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even walking So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

 

[Windsor]

Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years"

 

[Windsor]

Rumor

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

[Windsor]

Irish Logic

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

"You disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute Luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower,and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then,as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair."

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

 

[Windsor]

GST

A husband goes home and says to his wife, Do you know what GST stands for?"

She says, "No."

He says, "It means Good Sex Tonight ."
She says, "Oh, really."
He says, "Yeah, what are my chances?"
She says "About 7%

 

[Windsor]

The Second Coming

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."

 

[Windsor]

First Day Of School

It was the first day of school.
As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.
He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise.
He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.
Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behaviour.
"Now," he said," are there any questions?"

One girl stood up timidly. " Please sir," she asked," May we have our teacher back?"

 

[Windsor]

Big Dicks

It was the first night for a newly wed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she is afraid of dicks, especially large ones and she's heard all about black men and how well hung they are. To make his white bride feel at ease, the groom said to the her,

"OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid." So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?"

She chuckled a little and said, "Nope!"

He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you?"

"Nope," she replied.

He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?"

"Nope," she said laughing.

He then said, "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I’m coming up the stairs now!"

 

[looneytan]

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

heehee, story of my life