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In step

Rethinking Humility​







What do you think of when you hear the word humility? What does it look like? How does humility speak? What does humility do? What does it not do? Common notions of humility are of unassuming speech and a deferential manner. That person has to be humble, right? In my mid-teens, I remember overhearing someone at church saying the following:

“I don’t mean to make a big deal of it, but you know when you’re doing the humble job.”

It struck me as an odd thing to say. This person thought washing dishes and scrubbing floors was an expression of humility, but somehow that didn’t sit right with my fifteen-year-old self. I didn’t know what humility was, but I didn’t feel it was that. In my most recent article, Our Most Important Relationship is Not With God, I wrote about young people I’ve known who gave up hobbies, sports and music they loved as a perceived act of service to God – a humble sacrifice. Even back then, in my youthful ignorance, I didn’t feel that this was humility either.

Let’s turn to the Bible, which has much to say about the nature of humility. First of all, the word itself. In the Greek, it is ‘tapeinophrosune’, meaning lowliness of mind and modesty.

Importantly, humility is towards God. It results in service toward others, but it is towards God. Our ‘lowliness of mind’ is not forced or self-imposed, nor is it the result of comparing ourselves to other people; it is a recognition of God’s incomparable greatness. In the presence of God, we know we are lesser beings, and it is this recognition of divinity (and our lack of it) that establishes the platform of reverence our lives can to be built upon. If God were not loving, the knowledge of his might would be terrifying, but God is not only loving; he is love, and as we humble ourselves before him, recognising his divinity, we rest in safe, protective hands. HELPS Word Studies explains humility like this:

In Scripture, ‘tapeinophrosýnē’ (“lowliness, humility”) is an inside-out virtue produced by comparing ourselves to the Lord (rather than to others). This brings behavior into alignment with this inner revelation to keep one from being self-exalting (self-determining, self-inflated). For the believer, ‘tapeinophrosýnē’ (“humility”) means living in complete dependence on the Lord, i.e. with no reliance on self (the flesh).

Spiritual lowliness of mind is a deep recognition that God is God, and we are not. We do not denigrate ourselves or compare ourselves to others to achieve a state of humility. It comes naturally from a close walk with God. For example, in profound times of worship, we are never tempted to leap up and proclaim our own greatness, are we? That would be the most unnatural thing in the world. Our gaze is not on ourselves in such moments, but on the Lord, and we give ourselves in worship – raising our hands, offering our voices, sometimes even falling to our knees, giving him deep reverence and praise. This is not the product of neediness or self-obsession on God’s part, nor self-denigration on our own. It is just what happens when the finite meets the infinite. God does not need our worship, but by his very nature he is worthy of all praise, and we, in our renewed spirits, breathe it out with joy. Worship then is humility, when our eyes are on the Lord, and we know the difference between him and us.

This natural-as-breath, worshipful lowliness of mind, in comparison to the infinite, almighty nature of God, is the essence of humility. Humility is before God, and before God alone. James 4:10,

‘Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.’

Humility – the reverence of God as God, and the acknowledgement that we are not – is crucial to all aspects of the life of faith. In a previous article, I’ve written that grace is the ever-present power and ability of God working to transform our lives, right here and now as well as in the life to come. The receiving of grace – i.e. the entire walk of faith – is dependent on our reverence of God. James 4:6,

‘God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’

We all need wisdom in life, but wisdom too is only available to the one who reveres God in humility. Proverbs 11, 2:

‘When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.’

God has given us all dreams, gifts and goals; things we were born, called and empowered to do. He wants us to succeed in them, but victory requires our commitment to personal growth and change in the power and leading of his Holy Spirit. The unyielded person cannot fulfil their God-given dreams. It is only in our submission, discipleship and growth (humility) that we are readied by God for success. 1 Peter 5:6,

‘Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you.’

Humility, then, is a fundamental part of the life of the disciple. This reverencing of God, and living in obedience to him in faith, allows grace and wisdom to flow into our lives. Ultimately, humility leads to the fulfilment of God-given dreams, gifts and goals in the Lord, when in due time he exalts us in victory. Our destiny is to be exalted by God as co-heirs in Christ, through his victory on the cross and the power of his resurrection, but every step of the path to that destiny is humility.

The enemy of humility is false humility. I think we go wrong when we expect humility to look a certain way – the bowed head, the unassuming manner, the nature of a person’s service, all of which can be fabricated. There is no reason to think the person who volunteers to clean the toilets is humbler than the one who preaches. If either or both of them are saying ‘yes’ to God, they are humble. We are all called to serve in different ways. As members of a body we all have something to contribute, and if a church is functioning well, each person’s service will be primarily within their gifting and calling (though of course, from time to time, needs dictate that we all muck in).

False humility would have us confuse confidence in God with arrogance. Was the Apostle Paul arrogant when he began his letters with the proclamation of his apostleship? Of course not. He was called to carry great authority, as part of his humble service to God.

Was Moses arrogant when he stretched his hand over the Red Sea, and expected it to part? Of course not. He was simply obeying his Lord. Moses understood the nature of humility, which is above all to say ‘yes’ to God. This was a man who’d learned to say yes to the most extraordinary requests – confronting the Pharaoh, prophetically announcing the ten plagues of Egypt, leading a mass escape, parting a sea, receiving the Ten Commandments directly from the Lord on Sinai, and much more. He knew what he was called to do, and he obeyed. He didn’t want to do any of it, initially, but he said yes to God, putting others first as an act of service. This was true humility, which led to his empowerment and the success of his God-given dreams and goals. Numbers 12:3,

‘Moses was a very humble man, more so than any man on the face of the earth.’

Just as a point of amusement, it was Moses who wrote this of himself!

We do not judge who is or isn’t humble by the nature of their calling, or the confidence required in following it. In fact, we shouldn’t attempt to judge who is and isn’t humble at all, as only God knows the heart. For each of us, saying ‘yes’ to God will look entirely different.

Humility always leads to service, but that service has a million different faces. We should not feel forced to serve in a particular way, to demonstrate humility – that would not be humility at all. For me, service is most often drawing alongside people in pain to bring comfort through friendship and the ministry of the Holy Spirit. And of course, writing these posts. What does it look like for you? Is the service you currently perform in line with your God-given dreams, gifts and abilities? Is there something more/else the Lord would ask you to do? If the Lord calls you forward, then step forward. If the Lord asks you to speak, then speak. We can’t let anyone else’s idea of humility cause us to hold back. Our humility is before God, not other people.

And what of our children? We do not want them to become carbon copies of each other, their dreams diminished, their unique contours whittled and shaved until they stand identical, like skittles ready to be knocked down. We want them to be themselves, in glorious technicolour! For the colourful, service should be colourful; for the gifted, service means using their gifts. False humility steals the strength of the mighty and the breath of the singer; it silences the prophet and seats the dancer. It makes us grey, uniform, and ill-equipped for genuine service in the Kingdom of God. It is something to resist.

If we want to grasp true humility, we need only look at Jesus. Philippians 2:4-11,

‘In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death –
even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.’


Jesus didn’t claim his rights, even the rights of the Divine, but set them aside in order to serve. And who did he serve? His father God, yes, but he also served us, just as he once washed his disciples’ feet. For the humble person (the one who is reverent to and yielded to God, knowing he is God, and they are not), this is the most humbling thought of all – that He who is innately, infinitely greater than we are, served and serves us. Like Peter, we might be tempted to cry ‘No Lord’ as he bends to wash our feet, but Jesus’ response to Peter is his response to us. John 13: 8,

‘Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.’

Along with Peter, we yield to the Servant King:

‘Then, Lord,’ Simon Peter replied, ‘not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!’

Psalm 23: 5 speaks of the service of the Lord towards his people:

‘You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.’


He prepares a table for us. He anoints our heads with oil. To the humble person, the service of Jesus is the most humbling spiritual reality of all, because we know He is Lord, and we are not. It is we who should serve, but to be effective in service, we must first let him serve us. Humility is a right relationship with God. It is reverence, gratitude, and an exchange of service so dazzlingly generous on God’s part, that only the truly yielded person can engage with it fully. The humble person receives all that love and looks to those around them, ready to pass it on, serving in the ways God has shaped them to serve.

In submission to the Lord, as part of a yielded life of reverence, the Holy Spirit has called and empowered us to serve each other in unique ways. Let each of us serve God out of genuine reverence, and let us serve as we are, in line with who he has made us to be, and with the gifts and call he has placed upon us. Let us be free of notions of false-humility, and the judgement of others it entices, and serve with freedom, joy and confidence. Most of all, let us draw near to the greatest servant of all, our dear Lord Jesus, and be changed by his loving presence.
 

Exclusive Early Access​

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Love one another with brotherly affection—Romans 12:10

Modern life is hard. Our world is unforgiving, full of thorns and thistles, aggravation and ache. We experience moments of wonder and love, for sure—but too few of them. And so many of the remaining moments are just grueling and lonely. Adversity is the prevailing human predicament, and from it, we cannot free ourselves. No amount of success or wealth or genius can do it. Indeed, our heroes and the familiar exemplars of the American masculine ideal are often the most miserable.
  • Why do we feel so alone?
  • Why can’t we get free of those hurts and bad habits that plague us?
  • Why does life seem like one big, brutal competition?
This generation is struggling—mostly alone. Fear and pain are everywhere. And yet, most of us forget or forgo what’s available and intended to help us survive and even thrive in these evil days: authentic Christian community.

Here's the truth: Scattered, we're assailable. United with our brothers and God, we’re ready for anything.

Okay, so what do we do?​

Please don't wait for the Nov. 2 release of my new book! This is the third in the life-changing WiRE Series for Menand it's all about community. This book will give you everything you need to find the brotherhood God has waiting for you.

And, as a WiRE subscriber, you can jump into it right away!

Here's how >> If you pre-order now, we’ll send you these for FREE!
  1. an early version of the Rescue Audiobook
  2. a digital set of ebook sample chapters from Rescue
Lots of men are reading the book already. Join us!

Click here to learn more.
 

Which Type of Man Are You?​

. . . my God, in whom I trust—Psalm 91:2

One type of Christian man trusts that what Jesus teaches is true . . . but only on an intellectual level. This man appreciates a good sermon, but then goes away and lives out the moments of his life in ways that make it indistinguishable from the lives of those who do not trust Jesus at all. This type of man doesn’t trust Jesus with his life, and so lives “like a shrub in the desert” (Jeremiah 17:6). There is another type of man, though, one who chooses to trust the truth of Jesus deeply, authentically, and practically. This type of man lives the moments of his life in ways that are markedly different than they’d be otherwise . . . because of his trust.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream . . .”
(Jeremiah 17:7-8).

When we trust Jesus—when we actually live like we trust him—we then come to life. When we live like we trust him, we become spiritually strong and healthy and fruitful, like trees planted by the water, and we begin to move into the full lives that God dreamed about so long ago (John 10:10; Ephesians 1:3-6).

Okay, so what do we do?​

Which type of man are you? What are you doing in your life that distinguishes you as a follower of Jesus? What are you doing that you’d never do, but for your trust in Jesus? If your answer is “nothing” or “not much,” then it’s time now, brother, to begin. Do something practical that demonstrates your trust. Whatever you do, it need not be clever or complex. Just use the two great commandments as your guide (Matthew 22:37-39) and do something . . . today.
 

6 Effective Ways to Apologize to Your Partner​





Studies show that apologizing to your partner for hurting their feelings and granting forgiveness are crucial to the success of an intimate relationship or marriage. It’s essential that couples learn the value of sincere apologies and forgiveness.



For instance, one of my clients, Lauren, 36, had been feeling resentment toward Kevin, 38, for several months since he loaned his sister money without consulting her. Even when Kevin gave Lauren a sincere apology and asked for forgiveness, she had been holding a grudge and barely spoke to his sister. But once she realized that he wasn’t trying to hurt her but that his sister swore him to secrecy, she was able to forgive him and move on.

Lauren put it like this: “I love Kevin and decided that it was more important to listen to the reasons why he kept such an important matter from me. I now understand that his actions we not meant to hurt me but to keep his promise to his sister who has been struggling financially and was embarrassed about me knowing how badly she was doing.”

These six tips will help you and your partner create a shared vision for your relationship, foster emotional closeness, and teach you how to recover quickly from hurt and miscommunication. By building a deeper connection and commitment to each other, you will create a deeply trusting, loving, and sustainable relationship. If you are thinking of marrying and concerned about going the distance or are already married and struggling the six tips will help you get back on track after a dispute or when one or both partners feels injured.
6 effective ways to apologize to your partner:
  • Accept responsibility for your hurtful actions or words and the damage you caused. Acknowledge that you messed up by saying something like “I take responsibility for my actions and I’m sorry that they hurt you.” One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship and help you recover and heal as a couple.
  • Use the words “I am sorry” and “I was wrong” when you apologize and make it personal. Your apology will more likely be heard and accepted if you use these words. Be specific about exactly what you did to hurt, humiliate, or embarrass your partner. For example, “I’m sorry for hurting you and violating your trust. I was wrong when I embarrassed you in front of your friend and I am sorry for my unkind words.”
  • Explain to your partner how you plan to repair the situation (if this is possible). For example, if you said something to hurt your mother-in-law’s feelings, you might offer to apologize to her over lunch or by writing her a note.
  • Describe what you said or did in specific terms without making excuses or blaming your mate or someone else. Using “I” statements rather than “You” statements can help you avoid the blame monster. For instance, you might say “I’m sorry for purchasing a new laptop without consulting you when our budget is tight.” This is more effective than saying, “You never approve of me buying things so why would I tell you?”
  • Ask your partner to grant you forgiveness. Be specific about your actions and words that need to be forgiven. Be sure to do so when the setting is conducive to a private conversation and there aren’t any distractions (TV, cell phones, children in the room, etc.).
  • Don’t let wounds poison your love for your spouse. Be vulnerable and don’t let your pride cause you to hold on to being “right.” Discussing what happened with your partner and taking responsibility for your actions will allow you to let go of resentment so you can improve the quality of your relationship.

Heartfelt apologies are an essential ingredient of a strong, healthy intimate relationship. Accepting that you and your mate do the best you can will help you be more understanding. When you acknowledge your flaws, it means that you can be vulnerable with your partner rather than allowing your pride to damage your communication with him or her.
 

Does Your Kid Make You Feel Like You Can Do Nothing Right?​








(a special guest post by Debbie Hitchcock)
Last week I felt like everything I did for one of my kids was met with sarcasm, frustration, or anger. The typical jokes we had between us, the acts of kindness I did, and every time I seemed to open my mouth it was met with a snarl of “you never…” or “you always…” I couldn’t win.
Having had four kids under my roof, I’ve learned to try different things to get to the root of the issue. This time was no different.

I fixed a special breakfast one morning. No change.
A special treat from the grocery store. No change.
I tried talking about it. More anger.
Going for a walk with him. Good conversation about the weather and general topics — but no change.
And then I decided to wait.

I didn’t totally avoid him (after all, we were living in the same house), but I did my thing and he did his. I didn’t go out of my way to seek resolution. (After all, I had already tried that and it hadn’t worked). So I waited.

If he needed something, he had to come to me.

And I continued to wait. (Difficult for me as a mom who wants to solve the problem now.)

One evening as the two of us were together standing in the kitchen with no one else home, the words came tumbling out of his mouth. He shared his fears and his assumptions about how I was handling a situation.

I listened — I mean really listened.

The words kept coming as if pent up emotion had been there for years — and in all reality it had. A feeling he had almost a decade before had been triggered by a choice I had made two weeks earlier. My son had tied that feeling of 10 years ago to a situation I was facing today. As a result he was making assumptions. Assumptions that I was responding the same way I had all those years ago.

And he was angry, frustrated, and filled with fear.

A-ha! Now I knew what was troubling him.

Rather than tell my side of the story, which is where my true now I can fix-it nature likes to go. Thankfully I paused long enough to know what I should really do in moments like this.

I empathized. I apologized for what he experienced earlier. I made sure that he felt heard and affirmed.

Then I asked a critical question. “I know you were hurt years ago, and I know that the decision I made this time feels the same way to you, and I’m sorry. Would it be okay if I share why I think this time is different from last time?”

Notice that I asked permission to talk.

What I’ve learned is that when there is a disconnect between two people, asking their permission to tell them how you see the situation differently creates two things — an acknowledgement that you heard them and an understanding that you want to create a “safe” place for them.

If my son had said no to my question, I would have honored that and ended the conversation with something like “I know that this has been difficult for you and I respect that. I do feel like the situation today is very different from what you experienced in the past. When you are ready to talk about it let me know and I’ll share how I see things now.”

Thankfully my son agreed to let me share what I was thinking about the current circumstances. Once he was able to hear my heart, the climate changed between us. The sarcasm, the frustration, and the anger seem to be gone. Mutual respect has re-entered our relationship because we now understand each other’s reasons for our choices and behavior.

Without the empathy and respect piece, we don’t create safety for the other person in the relationship. This derails our conversations and keeps us from getting to the root cause. Instead we typically try to justify or at least explain our side of the story which makes thing unsafe for the other person.

I’ll admit that typically I’m terrible about making sure I validate the other person. I just want to fix the problem and move on. However, we need to remember that conflict resolved well (with empathy, validation, and safety), creates a more intimate relationship.

I’ve given my son permission to give me a cue when I head down the path of justifying my actions before I’ve made sure he has been heard. It’s humbling to see how many times I get it wrong. That said, I want to grow in my relationships with others–especially with my kids.

Proverbs 19:11
A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
Dare you to look at how you respond when your kids seems frustrated or angry at you. Empathize, validate, and create safety to mend and create a more fulfilling relationship.
 

5 Ways to Respond Instead of Feeling Offended​





5-ways-to-respond-instead-of-feeling-offended
“Cute haircut . . .” It sounded like a compliment until he added, “It’d look even better if you’d combed it.”

Then he said, “I’m Oprah’s stylist, so I just say whatever I want to people sometimes.”
I was momentarily stunned. Was it kind of a compliment to be insulted by Oprah’s stylist?
I ran into him while in the mall picking up a tube of mascara one Saturday morning.

I thought he was a sales associate and was about to ask him to grab me a tube of the smokey long-lasting when he insulted me. In front of a bunch of people.
I can remember a time when a comment like that would’ve crushed me.
Is there a person in your life who rarely has a nice word for you?
Maybe it’s your mother in law.

Or do you have a husband who always has a hurtful word for you?
Living with a person who insults you or is critical of you is tough. No one enjoys criticism. And it’s almost a sure way to start a fight.

A disagreement doesn’t start with the insult. It begins with the response.​

The natural thing to do when someone offends you is feel hurt and fire back.
But you decide whether or not you’ll feel offended.
And you decide how you’ll respond.
Just as love and forgiveness are choices, feeling offended is a choice, too.

The way you respond when someone offends you has nothing to do with the person who insulted you and everything to do with the kind of person you want to be.
You can’t change them. But you can change how you respond.
You can be responsible for your actions and emotions. No matter how someone else behaves, you can be intentional about your behavior and your attitude.

Ways to respond instead of feeling offended​

  1. Stay calm
  2. Choose not to respond in kind.
  3. Mirror what the other person said and tell him how it made you feel.
  4. Acknowledge he may not have meant to hurt your feelings, but let him know he did.
  5. Remove yourself from the situation.
  6. Try not to take it personally.
  7. Inject humor
The world is full of people who are going to try to knock you down to make themselves to feel better. They may not like the way you drive, dress, walk, or style your hair.
I don’t think Oprah’s stylist was trying to make himself feel better by insulting me. I mean, he’s Oprah’s stylist. It’s probably safe to say he doesn’t even remember it.
When you’re intentional about how you choose to respond, you don’t have to take offense.
Maybe you won’t get it right the first few times, but you can learn to respond differently.
So, when someone tries to cut you down, remember, you decide whether or not you’ll feel offended.
And you don’t have to be because they don’t define who you are.
 

It is impossible for a man to achieve good through evil means.​





XXI. Be attentive to your heart and watch your enemies, for they are cunning in their malice. In your heart be persuaded of this: it is impossible for a man to achieve good through evil means. That is why our Savior told us to be watchful, saying: ‘Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way that leads to life, and few there are that find it (Matt. 7:14).

Today the marvelous Nessie decided to do evil that good might come. Knowing that the neighboring dog surely wished to be her pal, she disregarded my good command, tail beating the air with joy, and strained at the leash, jumping and leaping. She fell to her belly, trying to drag me forward, showing the older and smaller dog, she was good and submissive. She ignored stay, heel, and frightened that poor senior dog out of any good meeting.

Nessie was sad. Hadn’t she meant well? Why hadn’t things turned out well? Nessie was sad. If the other dog (and his friendly companion) are willing, we shall try again soon.
Nessie had learned that even a dog cannot do “evil” that good may come. Of course, Nessie is not really a moral agent. She lacks the intent that is the content of morality, but she did remind me that disobedience to good moral commands is not justified by hopes for good outcomes.

The enemies of our soul, the establishment, the flesh, and devils, require attention. They would be powerless if we refused consent to their designs. Rarely does a man suddenly decide to go wrong for the sake of wrong. He does not twirl his metaphysical mustache, buy a lair, and decide to conquer the world. Instead, he does something bad, even with great regret, for some noble cause.

Not knowing for sure how his action will end up, all plans go awry, the man has traded a certain evil for a possible good. Certainties are worth more than possibilities, generally. There is a reason the proverbial bird in hand is worth two in a bush. What if there were fifty in the bush or a million? Shouldn’t we let go of the bird in hand for the possibility of a million?

No.

Whatever the merits chasing after the million has as a business strategy, this is bad advice when applied to moral truths. Why? If one plays probabilities, one must also measure the cost of the certainties. A certain evil will do harm to the person doing the evil and have repercussions that extend beyond the single instance. If one man does evil that good comes and this seems to “work,” then another man, in a worse case, will be tempted to do evil that good may come.
Maybe.

Yet this probability, that greater evils will be justified because of some earlier compromise, must be placed against the possibility that good will come from the immediate evil we do.
Maybe our bad action will bring a greater good.
Maybe our bad action will cause some future man to do a greater evil.

All we know for sure is that we have done evil.
Some cultures love “strait gates,” but not our own. We love the latitudinarian and the broadway. When motivated by mercy and grace, there is virtue in our error. We should notice that the love of “narrow ways” also can have a good ethical motivation: a love of justice and truth. The “strait” man does not wish to see some potential good become a foe of present goodness!

At the end of all our reasoning, a Christian cannot accept bad means to a good end, because a Christian does not know if history will last. We know that time is in the hands of God and so tomorrow may not come. We probably will see normal outcomes, but we may not. Indeed, the Last Judgment will put our small temporal success, say some good earned over a thousand years, against eternal, unchangeable evil. God thinks in eternity, we must do so as well. The bad action done today endures as a bad action, but the “good” done by the bad may not endure forever!

What is excusable in Nessie the dog is no good in adult humans. We can stop and count the cost: our disagreeable natures cost us friends. We must not save the institution at the cost of people. We can never burn the village to save the village.
It is impossible for a man to achieve good through evil means.
 

Building New Gauges​

Do not be conformed to this world—Romans 12:2

We men love to measure things. And we have, at our disposal, highly accurate gauges for measuring just about anything, including the progress of our lives. I mean, we never have to wonder which careers are most prestigious; which jobs are most coveted; which neighborhoods are most exclusive; which vacations are most glamorous; which cars are most luxurious. Our culture makes sure its gauges remain well calibrated.

“Listen carefully . . . and be wary of the shrewd advice that tells you how to get ahead in the world . . .” (Mark 4:24 MSG).

The problem is, such things are not proper for measuring the progress of any life. There’s nothing wrong with careers or communities or cars, in-and-of themselves. They’re just not appropriate gauges in this context. Using them is like using a thermometer to measure the weight of a steel beam. It doesn’t work. Likewise, improper gauges won’t work for us, for measuring our lives as men. We must create and calibrate new gauges, ones that can properly measure our lives, because they measure the right stuff—like how we’re doing as husbands, as fathers, as friends, as neighbors; and how we’re doing toward becoming the men God intends us to become.

Okay, so what do we do?​

Build new gauges for yourself, brother, ones that measure things like . . . how many nights you are home for dinner; or how often you sit down and pray with your wife or girlfriend; or how often you have conversations with your sons or daughters about their dreams or their fears; or how often you meet with brothers in community; or how often you drop what you’re doing to spend time with friends in need. Get practical. Build a simple spreadsheet, for example. Or create a calendar. Do what makes sense for you, but start measuring, today.
 

What The Bible Says About Judging Others​





It’s so easy to judge others and others to judge us, but we can be wrong, and so can they, so here’s what the Bible says about judging.

Judging Others

When Jesus was speaking about judging others, He wasn’t saying we don’t make judgments about people. For example, we make judgments about whether someone would be a good spouse or not by the way they treat their mother, how they are around children and pets, and other situations, and if we see enough red flags (especially about violent tendencies or drug or alcohol abuse), we make a judgment that this person would not be a good spouse, so judging people from this standpoint is not only good…it helps us avoid big trouble down the road. Judging in itself is not a bad thing, but it’s not the same thing as judging someone in a condemning way.

This is what Jesus spoke about in Matthew 7:1-2, telling us, “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” Jesus went even further, saying, “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). The Apostle Paul put it in no uncertain terms: “Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things” (Rom 2:1-2). God’s judgment falls on those who practice sinful things…not our judgment. They will not be judged by our words, but by the Word of God. That judges them.





Judging Ourselves

It is not for us to judge whether someone is saved or not. Even if their behavior appears less than Christian, we are all on a different journey and the Spirit of God may have more difficulty in working in some people’s lives than others. Why some people are immediately able to overcome alcoholism after conversion while others struggle their whole lives with it, is a mystery to me. Both may be saved, but one may have a radically different upbringing than the others.

There are so many factors, and most of them are unknown by us, so James is right in saying, “Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor” (James 4:11-12)? Only God can see a person’s heart. The Lord told Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart” (1 Sam 16:7).

If there is any judgment to be made, it is “for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God” (1 Pet 4:17)? The Apostle Paul asks a rhetorical question: “For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge” (1 Cor 5:12).

The Word’s Judgment

Jesus did not come into the world to condemn the world, but rather to save it. John 3:17 says, “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” Judgment is coming, but it won’t be we who judge the world, but Jesus Himself. Those who brought a woman to Jesus who was caught in adultery had a double standard. They forget about the man!

What about him? Wasn’t he just as guilty!? Jesus “stood up and said to them, Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7). What happened? One by one they all left, for there are none without sin. This is why James says, “Do not grumble against one another, brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing at the door” (James 5:9). Jesus even uses hyperbole to make a point about judging others, asking them, “how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt 7:4-5). If we have greater sin in our own life, we can’t even see well enough to help our brother or sister deal with the sin in their life. That’s like someone stealing funds from their employer while lecturing another for taking a paperclip home.

The Final Judgment

If we are trying to get even with those who have hurt us, we are not leaving it to the justice of God. That means we’re trying to sit on God’s throne, but it’s a one-seater! He alone is the Just Judg. We’re trying to usurp God’s authority, and we’re not qualified or capable to judge what’s inside a person’s heart. Paul warns us to “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord” (Rom 12:17-29). They will give an account before God and not us, since “each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Rom 14:12). We will not give an account before others, or they before us. It is before God they and we will fall or stand, but if you’ve trusted in Jesus Christ, you will stand. Otherwise, it’s a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God (Heb 10:31).

Conclusion

I hope these Bible verses help you understand that we can trust God and leave judgment up to Him. Remember how Jesus Christ responded? “When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly” (1 Pet 2:23). What we must do is “Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted” (Heb 12:3). Even when (not if) people hurl insults at you because of your faith in Christ, “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Pet 3:9). Even when (not if) unbelievers judge you as being insane, don’t’ judge them back. God will judge them, so “If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you” (1 Pet 4:14). It is good to be blessed by being insulted for His name’s sake (Matt 5:10-12).
 

Top 7 Bible Verses About Helping The Poor​





Serving, ministering, helping—all of these words describe what we are called to do as followers of Christ. In I Corinthians 12:28, the apostle Paul writes, “And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, helping, administrating, and various kinds of tongues.” This list includes helping others and especially those in need. In other words, we are all called to exercise the gifts that we have been given, and helping the poor is one of the top ones on the list. Therefore, here is my list of the top 7 Bible verses about helping the poor.

Proverbs 14:31 “Whoever oppresses a poor man insults his Maker, but he who is generous to the needy honors him.”​






From the beginning of creation, God has had a heart for all people. He took care of Adam and Eve and every generation of humanity since then. This verse clearly states that being generous to the poor and needy honors God. If that is the case, then we are all called to do just that. King Solomon, the author of the book of Proverbs, also states that the opposite is true. Whoever hurts or oppresses the poor, also insults God. It seems quite evident that taking care of those in need is very important to the Lord.

Proverbs 22:9 “Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor.”​

Everyone desires and prays for blessings, and this verse here explains one way that we can be abundantly favored. The way described in this verse is that we should share our food and bread with the poor. Sometimes we think that just being kind to those less fortunate than us is enough, but God’s word tells us here that we should also be generous with our food. We should all be hospitable by inviting others into our homes as well as sharing food with those less fortunate than ourselves.

Proverbs 28:27 “Whoever gives to the poor will not want, but he who hides his eyes will get many a curse.”​

Giving to the poor will not only bless us, but it will also ensure our own abundant provision. God’s word here is also clear that if we avoid helping those in need, then we will suffer loss. Obeying God’s commandments will always bring many rewards to our lives, but ignoring them will also bring curses that will harm us.

Proverbs 31:20 “She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.”​

This passage in the book of Proverbs is a beautiful description of a godly woman who loves the Lord and her family, and who is favored and successful in all that she does. It is often referred to as the chapter on “the virtuous woman” or “the wife of noble character.” And in Christian circles, this woman is definitely admired and exalted as the epitomy of Christian female perfection. This is because she is hardworking, self-sacrificing, joyful and dedicated to everyone else. She works diligently night and day to help everyone around her. She especially blesses the needy and the poor with her generosity and concern for them as expressed in this verse.

Isaiah 61:1 “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound…”​

The prophet Isaiah was sharing about his own calling to serve the Jewish nation in this verse, but he was also prophesying about the coming Messiah. Part of that calling was to bring good news to the poor—in other words to be kind and compassionate towards them and help them as needed. This is one of those powerful verses in the Bible that transcends time and space, because it describes Isaiah in his day, but it also describes Jesus when he came to earth several hundred years later, and then it also applies to us as Christians today. So if Isaiah and Jesus were anointed to minister to the poor, then likewise we are called to minister to them as well.

Matthew 19:21” Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”​

The rich young ruler is often described as the sad story of one who could have been so blessed to follow Jesus, but who chose instead to stay home and keep his riches. He told Jesus that he wanted to follow him, but when Jesus instructed him to sell his possessions and give everything to the poor, the young man balked. While it is true that the young man missed out on an incredible opportunity to walk with the Messiah, I believe this verse also shows the care and concern that the Lord has for the poor as well. If we share what we have with those in need, then similarly we will be able to walk with Jesus and store up treasure in heaven.

Galatians 2:10 “Only, they asked us to remember the poor, the very thing I was eager to do.”​

Bible verses about helping the poor
The apostles of the early church had a lot on their hearts and minds in Jerusalem. They faced almost immediate persecution and other trials, but yet they kept their eyes focused on their Savior while following the leading of the Holy Spirit. After Paul’s conversion, a huge controversy erupted among the young Christians about whether it was necessary to follow all of the Jewish laws in order to be saved. After much prayer and discussion, the apostles realized that it was not necessary to be Jewish for salvation, and so they told Paul their conclusion. He was commissioned, though, to remember and take care of the poor. Since the apostles of the early church felt this was critical for Paul to share with fellow Christians on his travels, then it appears that this is also very important and dear to the heart of God.

Conclusion​

Loving and serving God is and should be synonymous with helping the poor. It was certainly on his heart, as he incorporated many verses into his written word about that very topic. The Lord is not prejudiced against anyone, as he loves us all very much. He also knows that we are blessed when we put others before ourselves. Helping others—especially the poor and needy—is a gift and a calling that we cannot shirk as Christians. So let’s go out and help our neighbors and our friends in need.
 

Building New Gauges​

Do not be conformed to this world—Romans 12:2

We men love to measure things. And we have, at our disposal, highly accurate gauges for measuring just about anything, including the progress of our lives. I mean, we never have to wonder which careers are most prestigious; which jobs are most coveted; which neighborhoods are most exclusive; which vacations are most glamorous; which cars are most luxurious. Our culture makes sure its gauges remain well calibrated.

“Listen carefully . . . and be wary of the shrewd advice that tells you how to get ahead in the world . . .” (Mark 4:24 MSG).

The problem is, such things are not proper for measuring the progress of any life. There’s nothing wrong with careers or communities or cars, in-and-of themselves. They’re just not appropriate gauges in this context. Using them is like using a thermometer to measure the weight of a steel beam. It doesn’t work. Likewise, improper gauges won’t work for us, for measuring our lives as men. We must create and calibrate new gauges, ones that can properly measure our lives, because they measure the right stuff—like how we’re doing as husbands, as fathers, as friends, as neighbors; and how we’re doing toward becoming the men God intends us to become.

Okay, so what do we do?​

Build new gauges for yourself, brother, ones that measure things like . . . how many nights you are home for dinner; or how often you sit down and pray with your wife or girlfriend; or how often you have conversations with your sons or daughters about their dreams or their fears; or how often you meet with brothers in community; or how often you drop what you’re doing to spend time with friends in need. Get practical. Build a simple spreadsheet, for example. Or create a calendar. Do what makes sense for you, but start measuring, today.
 
Dare to Be Honest

"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go."1

In Moody Monthly George Sweeting wrote some time ago about the desperate need for honesty in our culture. He referred to Dr. Madison Sarratt, who taught mathematics at Vanderbilt University for many years, who, before giving a test, would caution his class something like this:

"Today I am giving two examinations: one in trigonometry and the other in honesty. I hope you will pass them both. If you must fail one, fail trigonometry. There are many good people in the world who can't pass trig, but there are no good people in the world who cannot pass the examination of honesty."

In the news in some time ago we heard more about cheaters in high school, cheaters in college, cheaters in politics, cheaters in business…. Cheaters may appear to win in the short run but the fact remains, in the long run cheaters never win. Sooner or later their cheating will catch up with them. The broker who cheated on me and stole my retirement fund spent six years in jail, and that's small punishment in terms of his self-punishment in what he has done to his self-concept and character. Will anyone ever trust him again?

The tragedy is that the more our society accepts cheating and personal dishonesty as a way of life, the more we hurt ourselves and ultimately our society. Self-governing to survive for the long haul is dependent on the honesty, good will and character of those being governed. When we can no longer be trusted to abide by the laws—especially the laws as found in the Ten Commandments, which were given for the benefit and freedom of every society, the law will end up governing us not as a democracy but as a dictatorship or some other form of legalistic bondage. In fact, without honesty, character and sound ethics, a free society cannot survive as a free society for the long term.

God's laws are for the good of all. We defy them to our peril.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank You for Your laws that are given for the good of all. Please give me a great respect and appreciation of all of Your laws and the courage to abide by them. And please help me to be honest with myself, with You, and with others in all of my dealings. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
 

Why Won’t My Spouse Change?​



In Ephesians 5:22-33, the Apostle Paul gives God’s blueprint for a successful marriage. It describes the ideal husband, who loves his wife as Christ loves the Church. It describes the ideal wife, who honors and submits to her husband “as to the Lord.”

When couples come to me for counseling, I share this passage with them, and we always agree that a marriage based on these roles would be healthier and holier. But while husbands and wives are always ready for their spouse to commit to their biblical roles, making a change in themselves can be much more difficult.
Why is this? I’ve identified three reasons people resist making big changes to their own lives.
  1. Fear of Going First
I’ll do it when she does it. Or, I’m not changing until he does. They are reluctant to transform their own lives until their spouses change. This is because it makes them vulnerable, and they are afraid of being taken advantage of.
What if I submit to him and then he walks all over me? What if I give myself up for her and she becomes even more of a control freak? Relationships already marked by pride and hurt tend to result in this kind of stubborn standoff.
  1. Societal Influence
Why do men turn into selfish, pseudo-macho egomaniacs instead of sacrificial overseers? Because that’s the model of manhood our culture likes to show us. Why do women react with hostility to the idea of submission? Because radical feminism has loaded that word with such negative baggage.
But if we believe that the Bible really does have the blueprint for a successful marriage, then we must pursue these roles as a test of faith. A sacrificial husband and a submissive wife may cut against society’s grain, but they will be rewarded with deep satisfaction in their marriage.
  1. Lack of Belief
Sometimes husbands and wives fight their biblical role because they just don’t believe it will work. “Without faith it is impossible to please God,” the author of Hebrews wrote, “because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6).
Faith in God’s Word is the only logical choice for any Christian. If we believe the Bible, then we should do what it says. If our marriage isn’t working, then we should follow the roles the Bible prescribes for a healthier marriage.

Are you attempting, each day, to live as your spouse’s ideal mate as described in Ephesians 5:22-33? If not, what keeps you from fulfilling those roles?
If it is fear of going first, then trust God to lovingly bring your spouse along beside you as you are personally transformed by the power of God.
If it is fear of what society says, then ask yourself: Is what the world thinks of me more important than a successful marriage?
If it is lack of belief, then ask God to strengthen your faith in Him, in His word, and in His plan for you and your spouse.
 

3 Powerfully Simple Ways to Make Your Marriage Happier​





Did you go into marriage thinking it’d be your happy place?

I did. And when it wasn’t, I blamed my husband.
He was supposed to be my personal happy machine.





He didn’t see it that way. And since he wasn’t making me happy, I started making him miserable.
I’d nag and complain because he seemed more interested in anything other than me. I longed for a happy, emotionally intimate relationship.
We weren’t ever going to have one at the rate I was going.
What can you do to make your marriage happier?
In truth, my criticism and complaining were dragging our marriage down. And they didn’t move me one step closer to the loving, compassionate, emotionally intimate marriage I wanted.

Fortunately, I found three happy marriage tips that helped me get the connection I want.​

1. Let him know he can make you happy.

If your husband feels like all you do is complain, he’ll think he can’t make you happy and he’ll stop trying. Let him know when you’re pleased. Tell him what you like. When he knows what you like, he’ll do more of it. He sees your complaints as criticism of him. Let him know you appreciate what he does. If he makes the bed, thank him instead of re-making it. Act like you’re happy to see him. Tell him you’re glad he’s home or you missed him. Find another outlet for your complaints. Focus on telling him what you like. Ask yourself, “Would I want to come home to me?” When you feel good about him, he feels good about himself. Instead of complaining let him know what you want. When he knows what you want, he may try to get it for you.
2. Smile at him.

The simple act of smiling can transform you and those around you. When you smile, your face sends a message to your brain that you’re happy. And smiling makes you look better. You appear approachable. Would you want to approach someone who always has a sour face? When my husband walks in the door and I smile at him, he automatically smiles back. When I’m happy, he’s happy. If you want to be happy, act happy. People like to be around happy people.
3. Say thank you.
Seems simple, but it works. One way to be thankful is to let your husband know you appreciate him. Thank him for what he does, even if it’s something he’s supposed to do. If he picks up the kids from school, thank him. If he takes out the trash, thank him. Look for reasons to thank him. When he feels appreciated, he feels respected. When he feels respected, he’s going to want to make you happy. A grateful wife is a happy wife. Make a list of things you’re thankful for in your marriage and in life in general. Start focusing on those things and expressing thanks for them.
 

3 Powerfully Simple Ways to Make Your Marriage Happier​





Did you go into marriage thinking it’d be your happy place?

I did. And when it wasn’t, I blamed my husband.
He was supposed to be my personal happy machine.





He didn’t see it that way. And since he wasn’t making me happy, I started making him miserable.
I’d nag and complain because he seemed more interested in anything other than me. I longed for a happy, emotionally intimate relationship.
We weren’t ever going to have one at the rate I was going.
What can you do to make your marriage happier?
In truth, my criticism and complaining were dragging our marriage down. And they didn’t move me one step closer to the loving, compassionate, emotionally intimate marriage I wanted.

Fortunately, I found three happy marriage tips that helped me get the connection I want.​

1. Let him know he can make you happy.

If your husband feels like all you do is complain, he’ll think he can’t make you happy and he’ll stop trying. Let him know when you’re pleased. Tell him what you like. When he knows what you like, he’ll do more of it. He sees your complaints as criticism of him. Let him know you appreciate what he does. If he makes the bed, thank him instead of re-making it. Act like you’re happy to see him. Tell him you’re glad he’s home or you missed him. Find another outlet for your complaints. Focus on telling him what you like. Ask yourself, “Would I want to come home to me?” When you feel good about him, he feels good about himself. Instead of complaining let him know what you want. When he knows what you want, he may try to get it for you.
2. Smile at him.

The simple act of smiling can transform you and those around you. When you smile, your face sends a message to your brain that you’re happy. And smiling makes you look better. You appear approachable. Would you want to approach someone who always has a sour face? When my husband walks in the door and I smile at him, he automatically smiles back. When I’m happy, he’s happy. If you want to be happy, act happy. People like to be around happy people.
3. Say thank you.
Seems simple, but it works. One way to be thankful is to let your husband know you appreciate him. Thank him for what he does, even if it’s something he’s supposed to do. If he picks up the kids from school, thank him. If he takes out the trash, thank him. Look for reasons to thank him. When he feels appreciated, he feels respected. When he feels respected, he’s going to want to make you happy. A grateful wife is a happy wife. Make a list of things you’re thankful for in your marriage and in life in general. Start focusing on those things and expressing thanks for them.
 

Clinging to Scripture Sustains Us Through Suffering​







In times of crisis we try to make sense of life. We crave perspective for our minds and relief for our hearts. We need our worldview realigned by God’s inspired Word: “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16). God promises that His Word “will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it” (Isaiah 55:11).





A woman self-consciously told one of our pastors that before going to sleep each night she reads her Bible, then hugs it as she falls asleep. “Is that weird?” she asked. While it may be unusual, it’s not weird. This woman has known suffering, and as she clings to His promises, she clings to God. Any father would be moved to hear that his daughter falls asleep with his written words held close to her. Surely God treasures such an act of childlike love.

In a time of dark suffering and dread, David affirmed, “The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?… Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident…. Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me…. I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD” (Psalm 27:1, 3, 10, 13–14).

Notice how David talks to himself about God’s faithfulness and goodness, encouraging himself to wait on God. It’s worth listening to self-talk if it involves speaking God’s Word.
Years ago I turned off talk radio when I drive, to listen to the Bible instead. Scripture on audio accompanies me as I travel. I never regret investing my time this way—why listen to one more human voice when you can listen to God’s? It prepares me to face whatever lies ahead. “Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD” (Deuteronomy 8:3).
 
Strike Three and You're IN!

"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."1

Motivational speakers ask the question, "What would you like to do if you knew for certain that you couldn't fail?" Good question. I'm sure that many a life's dream, hope, and/or ambition is lost because of the fear of failure.

Perhaps a better question to ask is: "So what if you do fail?" What is the worst thing that could happen? Ninety-nine percent of the time you could learn from the experience and be better qualified to try again. I doubt if there is anyone who has succeeded in fulfilling their life's dream and goals who hasn't experienced failure—or even many failures before they succeeded.

What we need to realize is that there is no shame in failure. As another has said, "Low aim, not failure, is a 'crime.'" In fact, failure can be our greatest teacher. It's only as we are willing to risk failure that we can ever succeed and become a true winner. Remember, too, that failure is an event not a person. The only real failure is not to get up and keep trying one more time than we fall or get knocked down. In baseball it may be strike three and you're out. Not so for a successful life where it is:

Strike Three and You're In!

We only succeed when
we're willing to fail;
We only score goals when
we're willing to be tackled;
We only hit home runs when
we're willing to strike out;
And we only win when
we're willing to risk failing.

Consider the high jumper who
only discovers how high he can jump
when he reaches his failure point.
Consider Babe Ruth, too,
the year he broke the world record
for hitting the most home runs,
he also broke the record
for scoring the most strike-outs!

Success, however exhilarating,
doesn't teach one how to be a winner.
In fact, failure is the greatest teacher
to help one win in the game of life.
So, if you want to hit home runs,
stand at the plate, start swinging,
be willing to strike out –
and begin winning!

– Dick Innes
© Copyright 2000 Dick Innes

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, help me to discover my God-given life purpose and goal and pursue it with all my heart and strength—and never give up—knowing that failures are a part of the learning experience. Help me to remember, too, regarding any goal/purpose that is Your will for my life, that with Your help there is always a way to achieve it. Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
 

How to Widen Boundaries While Maintaining Discipline​





It is difficult to establish boundaries. Whether for ourselves, like in implementing an exercise regiment, with others, like a parent rearing a child, or in business, like a boss keeping account of an employee.

But even harder than establishing boundaries is maintaining them. They have such a slippery surface, that it seems the things that worked yesterday might not work tomorrow.





We tend to view the advent of boundary setting as final. We don’t want to set boundaries today that might be too tight tomorrow. And it is beyond frustrating to find something that worked for a season become the very reason we (or others) rebel in later seasons (such as the teenage years).


Boundaries are meant to be expanded as time goes on. This is for one simple reason – the goal of boundaries is not obedience; the vision for boundaries is leading ourselves and others to a place where they set their own boundaries based on inherent values and convictions.
For example, when children are young, they start out low on the Freedom V. They need tight boundaries, carefully watched freedoms, and swiftly carried out consequences. They are learning, for the first time. And need to be shown how life works.

But if we keep children low in the freedom V as they grow older, we will smoother them and encourage rebellion. They need wider boundaries (although not as wide as they are hoping) so that they can discover the power of their own choices and the natural consequences of how what they do affects others and themselves. In trying to protect teens from this reality, we suffocate their emotional maturity.


But Discipline?!


A lot of teenage parents, widen boundaries at a detriment to discipline. The two are not mutually exclusive. You can’t really get around having an angry teenager. They are constantly pressing boundaries, seeing how far they can go, how much they can get away with. Which is, intrinsically, a good thing! They are doing what they’re supposed to.
But the boundary setters just need to do what they’re supposed to as well. Discipline is creating appropriate consequences for the age and stage of development a person is in. A new hire at work isn’t held to the same standard as a manager, yet they are watched a lot closer.

There is a delicate balance, a dangerous dance between boundary and consequence. The key is to constantly evaluate the dynamic and make adjustments as necessary.

Two Tips

So, as we move people up the freedom V, here are two practical steps to keep in mind. First, always keep the end goal in mind. You’re not trying to “get them to do what they’re supposed to do”. The goal is to get them to understand for themselves what they are supposed to do and take ownership/responsibility for their choices.
The top of the Freedom V is self-governance. Self-governing people are not just rule followers, but people who are setting healthy boundaries for themselves because they understand how the world works.

The second tip is this: communicate why you are setting boundaries. When you’re trying to enforce boundaries, it can easily become a battle of wills and an argument that ends in “because I said so”. Some of the argumentation is unavoidable, but maybe aim to end the conversation with “this is how the world works and I am temporarily entrusted with showing you the way”.

Parents will often say that we can make our own rules when we have our own house. That’s the closest we get to this point. But it feels as if that is more about obedience than empowerment. If we communicate why we are setting boundaries and the long term value for all involved, we are at least infusing truth into our conflicts. And giving ourselves the best opportunity to remember we are on the same team.
 

Stay Salty, My Friends​

[ 1 min read ★ ]

Woe to you, when all people speak well of you—Luke 6:26

Sooner or later our faith conflicts with friendship. Sooner or later our faith is tested against friendship. You see, the time will come, for each of us, when a friend needs us. He or she will take a dark path (as we all do, sometimes), a path leading away from God. It might be dramatic; it might not. When it happens, though, we’ll face a choice—to speak up and speak truth into his or her life . . . or . . . to ignore what’s going on, avoid conflict, and avoid the risk of forever altering the friendship or even losing it altogether.

The good news is that we’re designed for these kinds of things. We’re the “salt of the earth” (Matthew 5:13). For God gave us “a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7). But, salt can, over time, lose its taste—lose its saltiness. We men lose our saltiness when we choose popularity over truth, passivity over love. The problem is, salt that has lost its taste “is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet” (Matthew 5:13).

Okay, so what do we do?​


When the time comes, before you do anything, make sure you’re being driven not by judgment or resentment or jealousy. If you might be, go no further and simply entrust your friend to God. God’s able to reach your friend by other means. If, however, you’re sure that it’s love that’s driving you, more than anything else, then go ahead and speak. Put your friendship upon the altar and see what God does with it. Do it privately and gently. But be warned, it might not go well. These conversations are tough. That’s okay. Trust God to work it out in the end.
 
Limp in -- leap out

Nehemiah 8
"... the joy of the Lord is your strength." (v.10)

Joy is part of a Christian's armor. Jealousy, for example, can quickly find a lodging place in a heart which is unsatisfied. The joy of Jesus banishes all that. This particular fruit of the Spirit secures us from the sins which can so easily beset us. Brimming joy, for example, helps to cancel out any envy that may arise within us. Instead, our souls long to share the treasures that we ourselves have found.

Joy keeps us alert and alive spiritually. Disease germs, we are told, penetrate most easily into a body debilitated by despondency. So do the termites of the spirit. They enter without ceremony and eat away the health of the soul. Joy gives them no room. It immunizes the spirit against attack. Joy is not just the bloom of health; it is its protection also. Remember, you are made for joy and if there is not joy in your life, then there is something wrong: joy is being blocked. Clear away the blocks and joy comes automatically.

If you are conscious that you lack this deep abiding joy, then look within. Ask yourself: how close am I to God? What steps do I need to take to deepen my relationship with Him? Give yourself to Him fully. If He is to transfer to you His total joy, then He must have the total you. A garage has a sign: "Limp in -- leap out." That's what will happen to you when you surrender yourself fully to Him. You will limp in and leap out. God is not withholding Himself and you must not withhold yourself. Where the two meet, joy is inevitable.

Prayer: O Father, forgive me that I go bumping through life on the broken springs of pleasure when I ought to be cruising in joy. I submit my life to You today for spiritual repairs. I limp in -- help me to leap out. Amen.
 
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