Provoke Not Your Children to Wrath
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An Advice Request asked MountainWings "What does the Bible mean
by 'Not to provoke your children to anger.'" All parents with
children can benefit from the answer that we sent them.
If you have children, read the article below.
The first three verses of Ephesians, Chapter 6, are directed
toward children and tells them to "obey your parents" and "honor
your father and mother." Then the spotlight shifts from
children to fathers and says, "Fathers, provoke not your
children to wrath" (Ephesians 6:4). Colossians 3:21 reads
similarly, "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest
they be discouraged."
"Anger" - "wrath" - these are devastating emotions in children
and young people. Fathers, mothers, or others who have the
oversight of children should understand the long-term
ramifications of sustained anger in children. This short
article will deal with causes of wrath and anger in children and
how to overcome them.
The Apostle Paul who wrote Ephesians and Colossians was well
aware that Roman fathers had the freedom to treat their children
in any way they chose. One source says, "A Roman father had
absolute power over his family. He could sell them as slaves,
he could make them working his fields even in chains, he could
take the law into his own hands and punish as he liked, he could
even inflict the death penalty on his children."
We don't sell our children into slavery these days or put them
in chains or kill them but believe it or not, there are fathers
and mothers in our society who inflict emotional pain on their
children equal to the cruelty of Roman fathers.
Permit me to list some of the ways parents may injure the heart
and mind of their children:
1) Rejection - some children seethe inwardly or explode
outwardly because they feel emotionally rejected or have been
physically rejected by one or both of their parents.
Quite frankly, the wind has been taken out of their sails.
They have lost heart and lack motivation to do anything.
They are angry inside. When I was a child I can recall four
children my mother took into our home because their parents had
literally rejected them.
They were emotionally devastated. They cried often. Our family
helped them but there was no way we could fill the emotional
vacancy left by their parents.
2) Destructive criticism - There is no doubt that children need
reproof and correction. Identifying behavioral boundaries and
insisting that children stay within them is the natural duty of
parents. But insulting, destructive criticism that implies
stupidity on the part of children is emotionally destructive.
The apostle Peter wrote, "And above all things have fervent love
for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sins"
(I Peter 4:8). In other words, loving parents will not
constantly remind their children of past failures or sins.
If God forgives them, parents should forgive them as well.
In his book, "Parents Passing on the Faith," Carl Spackman
wrote: Some children cannot sneeze without their parents telling
them they didn't do it correctly. When all our children hear
from morning to night is criticism of what they are doing or not
doing, they will become totally disheartened before long.
And they will probably develop a very negative self image and/or
openly rebel against their parents and their parents' faith.
3) Tension in the home - No parent wakes up in the morning
thinking, "What can I do to create stress and tension for my
children today?" We don't think that way but we often achieve
those same results.
When parents openly argue with each other day after day they
create far more tension for their children than they realize.
A child's sense of security is bound up in the secure
relationship of his or her parents. There is no question that a
tension-filled marriage will produce tension-filled children.
In his book, "Five Cries of Youth," Merton Stromen wrote:
"The most poignant cry is the sob of despair or shriek of sheer
frustration among youth living in an atmosphere of parental
hatred and distrust. Often it ends in running away from home,
delinquent behavior, suicide, or other self-destructive
behavior."
In your mind's eye trade places with your children and ask
yourself, "If I were a child in my home would the predominant
atmosphere be one of love and security or one of tension and
fear?"
Learn to look at the life-style pattern of your home through the
eyes of your children. It could make quite a difference in the
way you live.
We have briefly stated the problem that is found in many homes.
The answer is found in the last half of Ephesians 6:4.
After telling us not to "provoke our children to wrath" Paul
writes, "but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the
Lord." Bible commentator Matthew Henry interprets that
Scripture as follows:
"In all cases deal prudently and wisely with them, endeavoring
to convince their judgments and to work upon their reason."
Children, of course, should not be trained like a dog where the
usual commands are "sit." "speak," or "roll over."
Immature children are thinking, rational human beings.
They need and want clear direction from their parents. But the
parental directives we give and the boundaries we set should be
Biblical, rational, understandable, and appropriate to the level
of maturity of our children.
If your children are to rise up and call you "blessed"
(Proverbs 31:28) you cannot punctuate their childhood years with
rejection, destructive criticism, and an tension-filled home.
To do so will lead to grief, anger, and wrath. The answer is a
loving home, a caring church, and an inspiring school where the
name of Christ is honored.
for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." Matthew 6:30-34
