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[RiverOL]

How to Experience God's Love: Part 1

One of the deepest needs of every person is the need to be loved. To feel lonely and unloved can be devastating. Yet this is the way most of us feel at one time or another. A teenage girl wrote,

“Within the last year, three of my friends tried to commit suicide. Life was too much for them. They couldn’t bear it. This world ate them up until their only thought of escape was death.
“Loneliness is universal. It eats inside your system. It brings a feeling of emptiness, a fear of death, and a gnawing hunger of wanting to be understood and loved. Loneliness is a sickness. It hurts. For some, it hurts so much that they do anything to run away from it.
“You can have a million close friends and still be lonely. You can be the best looking, most popular, most successful person on earth, and still be lonely. No matter what you do, where you go, or what you try to be, loneliness still eats your heart out.
“Lonely people need love: warm, flowing love—love can kill loneliness.”
People desperately need to be loved! Every person needs to be loved by someone who is important to him or her.

Whatever your situation may be, there is a love which can fully satisfy you. It is a love which everyone may experience. What love is this? It is the love of God and the love of His Son, Jesus Christ.

The same girl who wrote about loneliness found the cure for her loneliness in God and His love. She wrote,

“God is love. Jesus showed us God’s love…He left the glories of Heaven to humble Himself in the fashion of a man—as God walking among men to show them His love. He was obedient all the way to death on the cross, but on the third day, love burst the bonds of death with resurrection power…Ask Jesus to come into your heart right now and fill you with Himself, bringing love and mercy…He will take away your loneliness.”

The world's greatest love story

The world’s greatest love story is found in the Bible. It is a true story and it concerns you and me. It is the story of God’s love for us.

This love story began with the creation of man. Of all the living creatures which God created, man has the highest place because he was created “in the image of God.”

God gave man the ability to choose. He could choose to love and obey God or he could choose to disobey God and go his own way.

We know what happened—man chose to rebel against God and go his own way. This is true, not just of the first man, Adam, but of every one of us. The Bible says, “…we have turned every one to his OWN WAY…” (Isaiah 53:6).

Because of our rebellion and disobedience, we are separated from God and we do not experience His love.

Not only are we separated from God, but we have trouble getting along with each other. The reason for this is simple: We all want to have our own way. We all have something inside of us which says, “I will have my own way. I will do what I want to do!"

This attitude of selfishness and self-will is in the heart of every person by nature and it is the root cause of all our troubles. It causes more family problems and destroys more marriages than any other one thing.

As long as we are going our own way and doing our own thing, we do not experience God’s love. But God still loves us and seeks to bring us to Himself. That is why He sent His Son into the world.

Jesus loved us enough to die for us

Though He was the Son of God, Jesus chose to lay down His life for us. No one took Jesus’ life from Him. He chose to lay it down. Jesus said,

“...I lay down My life that I might take it again. No man takes it from Me, but I lay it down of Myself...” (John 10:17-18).

The death that Jesus died was the most cruel and shameful death possible. Roman soldiers took off Jesus’ shirt and tied His hands to a post. Jesus was beaten with a whip made up of many narrow leather strips with pieces of sharp metal woven into them.

When Jesus was beaten with this whip, the sharp pieces of metal cut into His flesh. His back became a bleeding mass. Men mocked Him, spit on Him, and placed a crown of thorns on His head. He was compelled to carry a heavy cross to the place of His crucifixion.

Jesus was crucified at a place called Calvary. His hands and feet were nailed to the cross. Two thieves were crucified with Jesus, one on His right side and the other on His left. These men were very wicked. They were dying for their sins. But Jesus had no sins of His own. He was dying for our sins.

Why did Jesus have to die?
Many people do not understand why Jesus had to die on the cross. They say, “Why couldn’t God just forgive us? Why did Jesus have to die?”

The reason God could not “just forgive us” is that God is the righteous Judge of the universe, and we have broken His laws. He has said, “...the soul who sins shall die” (Ezekiel 18:4).

We all have sinned; therefore, we deserve to die. God loves us and wants to forgive us, but He cannot be unrighteous. God always does what is right. The Bible says, “The Lord is righteous in all His ways.” Because He is righteous, God cannot overlook our sins or pretend that He does not know about them.

How did God provide salvation for us and yet maintain His righteousness? He did it by taking our punishment in the Person of His Son, Jesus Christ.

An old man was brought into a courtroom. He was charged with stealing some bread. The judge asked him if he was guilty. The old man admitted that he was guilty, but added, “I stole the bread because I was hungry.”
The judge was a wise and kind man who loved people. He said to the man, “Sir, I am in sympathy with you, but we cannot permit people to steal because they are hungry. You have broken the law, and you will have to pay a fine or go to jail.”
The old man shook his head and said, “I have no money.”
Then the judge did a wonderful thing. He took off his robes as a judge, laid them on a chair and went down to where the man was standing. Placing his hand on the man’s shoulder, he said, “As your judge I had to sentence you, but as your friend I want to pay your fine.” The judge took money out of his own pocket and paid the man’s fine.
We are like the man who had broken the law and could not pay. We have broken God’s holy law. We deserve to be punished. God the Son loved us so much that He laid down His robes as our Judge, and came into the world to die on the cross for our sins.

The most precious truth in all the Bible is that the Son of God loved us so much that He left Heaven, became a man and died on the cross for our sins.

Because Jesus Christ paid the just penalty of our sins, God can righteously forgive us when we trust Christ as our Savior. God does not overlook our sins or pretend that He does not know about them, but He forgives them because He sees the blood of His Son which was shed for them.

We should never doubt God’s love for us. He has shown His love for us in giving His beloved Son to die for us. The Bible says,

“God shows His love for us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

Why don't we experience God's love?
If God loves us so much, why is it that we do not experience His love? The reason we do not experience God’s love is that we are separated from Him. In order to have God’s life and experience His love, we must be “born again.” Jesus said, “Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God” (John 3:3).

What does it mean to be “born again”? It means to be born into God’s family by a spiritual rebirth. We cannot be born again physically but we can be born again spiritually. To be born again, we must repent of our sins and take the Lord Jesus as our Savior.

What it means to repent

To repent means to “turn around.” The reason we need to “turn around” is that we have been going the wrong way. We have not been going God’s way. Instead, we have been going our own way. The Bible says,

“We have turned every one to his own way.”

Deep down in the heart of every one of us there is something proud which says, “I will do what I want to do!” That is sin. It hurts God’s heart because He loves us so much. Jesus said, “Except you repent, you will perish.”

Repentance is not shedding tears over your sins. Many people weep and cry out to God and yet do not repent. Repentance is not going without food or afflicting your body. No one can get rid of his sins by doing these things

Repentance is not just being sorry for your sins. A man in prison may be sorry that he is suffering for his wrong-doing. Yet, if he were released, he would go back to his old ways.

Repentance is not fear. Sometimes, in a time of great danger, men who have been accustomed to cursing may become quiet and even cry out to God for mercy. But, when the danger has passed, they go back to their cursing. They have not repented.

Repentance is a change in my heart attitude which results in a change in my actions. I realize that it was my sins that put God’s Son on the cross. I realize that the Son of God loved me and gave Himself for me. I ask God to forgive me of my sins for Jesus’ sake. I tell God I am choosing to go His way and not my way.

Grandmother's Knitting Needle
A man told the following story of how, as a boy, he came to repent of the sin of stealing:
“I was raised by my grandmother. She was a fine Christian lady. She loved me, and I loved her. But when I was a boy, I had a bad habit of stealing. We were poor and I took things that did not belong to me. My grandmother punished me about my stealing, but that did not stop me. When I saw something I wanted, I took it.
“One day my grandmother called me over and said, ‘Son, I have been punishing you because of your stealing and it hasn’t seemed to do any good. I love you too much to let you continue doing this. The next time you come home with something that doesn’t belong to you, I am going to take one of these metal knitting needles and heat it red hot in the fire. Then I am going to burn your thieving hand with it so badly that you will never forget it.’
“I didn’t take anything for a long time. I knew my grandmother meant what she said. But in time I went back to my old ways. I came home with my pockets bulging. My grandmother noticed it. At first, she said nothing. Finally, however, she could stand it no longer.
“‘Empty your pockets!’ ordered my grandmother. I did so. Out came a knife, two balls, a top, an eraser, and some pennies.
“‘Son, where did you get those things?’ No answer. Again, ‘Tell me, where did you get those things?’ Still no reply. ‘Well, then, I shall do what I said I would,’ said my grandmother.”
“She went over and put the metal knitting needle into the fire. When it was red hot, she called me over and said, ‘Son, give me your hand.’

“I was trembling as I held out my hand, but I knew I was wrong. I knew that I deserved it. Then my grandmother paused and said, ‘Son, so that you may understand the seriousness of your wickedness, that you may comprehend it and never forget it, that you may be cured of it, an example must be made. Look now.’
“With that she opened her hand and drawing the knitting needle quickly from the fire, she plunged it through her own thin hand.
“A little sizzling, a slight sharp odor, a little smoke. That was all. She drew it out again. Holding out her hand, she said, ‘Don’t take your eyes from it.’
“That ended my stealing. That day I realized the seriousness of my offense and what it cost the one who loved me so dearly and one whom I loved.”
What was it that caused the change in this boy’s heart-attitude? He realized how much his grandmother loved him and what she suffered for him.

When we realize how much Christ loved us and what He suffered for us, it causes a change in our heart-attitude which results in a change in our actions.

There is no greater love than the love which Christ has for us. The Bible says,

“Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13).

What is your response?
In His Word, God has told us that all those who repent and take Christ as their Savior will be with Him forever in that beautiful place called Heaven. On the other hand, the Bible tells us plainly that God has prepared a place for those who do not want to love and obey Him. Hell is the eternal world of the rebellious and disobedient.

If you realize that you have been going the wrong way, turn to God now. God says, “Turn at My correction: behold, I will pour out My Spirit on you” (Proverbs 1:23). God is saying to you, “If you will only turn to Me, I will do everything for you.”

You may say, “But how will God receive me after the way I have treated Him?” If you turn to Him in true repentance, He will receive you with love and forgiveness. The Lord Jesus made this clear in one of the most beautiful stories in all the Bible. We know it as the story of The Prodigal Son in Luke, chapter 15. We will quote the scripture first and then tell it in present-day dialogue so you can better understand the story.

The Prodigal Son
A certain man had two sons: and the younger of them said to his father, “Father give me the portion of goods that falls unto me.”

“Father, I would like to get my part of your estate.”

“Why, son? Is something wrong?”

“No, not really, but I am tired of this place, I want to live my own life. I want to be free.”

And he divided unto them his living. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country.

As the son left home, he met a stranger at the gate who greeted him and asked, “What’s your name, son?”

The son answered, “My name is Matt. What’s yours?"

“Well, some people call me the devil, but I don’t like that name, I don’t look like the devil, do I?”

“No, you don’t,” said Matt. “You look like a very distinguished person to me.”

“Well, I am, son. I have lots of friends among the rich and famous. I helped them get rich. By the way, where are you going?”

“I’m going out to have myself a big time. I told my father to give me my money so I could go out into the world and do what I want to do.”

“Smartest move you ever made, son. You only go through life once, and you have to grab all the pleasure you can get. If you are looking for a good time, I am just the one to help you. I’ll take you to the best places and introduce you to some of my friends.”

In the far country, the devil introduced Matt to some new friends, “Hey, guys, I want you to meet Matt. Matt has lots of money and he wants to have a good time.”

“Matt! So glad to meet you! You’re just the fellow we’re looking for. We are planning a big party tonight, and we want you to come and be the guest of honor. (We want you to pay for it, too!)”

...there he wasted his substance with riotious living. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.

Soon Matt’s money was gone. Now he was looking for some of his friends to help him.

“Jim, I am low on money. Could you lend me a hundred dollars?”

“Sorry, Matt, but I am sort of broke myself. I sure wish I could help you, but you know how it is.”

He went to another friend, “Mike, you know I paid for all those parties we had. Now I’m broke. Could you lend me some money?”

“I’m sorry to hear that you’re broke, Matt, but I can’t help you. I have to look out for myself.”

And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into the fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him.

“Sir, I need a job.”

“Sorry, kid, but I can’t hire you. We are in a famine and things are tough.”

“Mister, I have to have a job! I don’t care about any pay if you will just give me something to eat. I haven’t eaten in two days—I’ll do anything.”

“Well, since you put it like that, I’ll give you something to do. I have some hogs that need to be tended. If you do a good job, I will try to give you something to eat.”

While looking after the hogs, Matt began to think, “Man, what a fool I’ve been! I left my good home where I had everything I could want. Now, I have spent all my money and I am so hungry I could eat that stuff I am feeding the hogs."

And when he came to himself, he said, “How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!”

I will arise and go to my Father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before you,

“And am no more worthy to be called your son: make me as one of your hired servants.”

“I sure wish I was back home. My father’s servants are a hundred times better off than I am. They have good houses and plenty to eat, and here I am starving to death.”

“I wonder if my father would ever forgive me after the way I have lived. I am not worthy to be his son any more. I would be glad just to be one of his hired servants. I will go back and tell him what a fool I have been. I will ask him to forgive me and let me be one of his servants.”

And he arose and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

As Matt came into sight of his old home place, his father saw him and said, “I wonder if that is Matt. It does look like him. Yes, it is him! I recognize that walk.”

The father ran to meet Matt. He threw his arms around his son and covered Matt with kisses.

In that moment, the prodigal son knew two things. First, he knew that he was fully and freely forgiven.

Second, he knew he was loved and accepted. He knew how his father felt toward him. He knew his father’s heart. By his actions, his father was saying, “I love you! I love you! I love you! I am so glad you came back!"

This is a beautiful picture of how God receives you when you come to Him in repentance and faith. He “covers you with His kisses.” You are fully and freely forgiven of all your sins. Every believer can say, “God has forgiven me of all my sins because of Christ.”

Not only are you forgiven, but you know how God feels toward you—He loves you with all His heart!

God is folding you to His heart, even as the father put his arms around the poor prodigal son and folded him to his heart. God is saying to you, “I love you! I love you! I love you!”

Do not wait!
Jesus gave us this beautiful story to show us how much God loves us and how He will receive us when we come to Him. Now the question is: Where are you? Are you in “the far country”—away from the Father’s house? Why not come home to Him?

Maybe you have been involved in some terrible sins, and Satan is telling you that you have to get your life straightened out before you can come to God. This is a lie! God tells you to come to Him now—just as you are!

Perhaps you think you are saved but you are not sure. Do not go on doubting. Settle the matter at once!

Maybe you trusted Christ as your Savior some time ago, but you have not been living for Him. You want to come back to God, but you wonder how He will receive you.

Do not wait any longer! Come to Him now, just as you are. You will find that God is much kinder and much more loving than you could ever imagine. He will welcome you with joy. This is the kind of love and forgiveness God has in His heart for you.

You do not have to pray a fancy prayer. God likes plain talk that comes from the heart. Just say to Him, “Father, I have sinned against You. I have been a selfish, rebellious person. I am coming home to You. I am trusting the Lord Jesus as my Savior and Lord.”

 

[RiverOL]

How to Experience God's Love: Part 2

There is nothing in this world more satisfying than a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

This personal relationship with the God who created the universe can meet every need in your life. Jesus said,

“…I have come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).

Five Wonderful Steps

We can think of our life as a long journey. We have been going away from God, but when we repent, we turn to God. We can think of salvation in terms of taking five steps. Let us see what these steps are.

These five steps show us what it means to take Christ as our Savior. Start at the bottom and read each step.

Now let us talk about each step and what it means. We will have a Bible verse for each step.

“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23

God is saying to us, “I am not looking for ‘good people who never sin.’ I know all people are sinners. I am looking for the person who knows he is a sinner and is willing to turn to me. I will show that person how gracious I am. I will do everything for him.”

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

Because we are sinners, we need a Savior, and God has given His Son to us to be our Savior.

Read this verse again carefully. Whom does God mean when He says, “the world”? He means all the people in the world. That includes you!

Whom does God mean when He says “whoever”? He means anyone. That includes you also. You can put your name in this verse. Do it right now!

For God so loved _____________ that He gave His only begotten Son, that _____________ believing in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Read the verse now with your name in it. This verse tells you that God loves YOU and that He has given a wonderful gift to YOU.

What is God’s gift to you? God’s gift to you is His Son! God loves you and He has given the Lord Jesus to you to be your Savior and Lord.

“God showed His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

This verse tells us that God loved us even though we were sinners. He gave His Son to die on the cross for our sins.






The Bible says that God laid all of our sins on His Son on the cross. Jesus had no sins of His own, but He bore our sins. When Jesus died, He cried out, “It is finished!” He had finished the work He came to do. He had paid the penalty of our sins.

Because Jesus died for our sins, God can righteously forgive us of all our sins when we take Jesus as our Savior. God does not overlook our sins, but He forgives them because He sees the blood of His Son which was shed for them.

Not only did Jesus die for our sins, but He rose again to be our living Savior and Lord. He ascended back into Heaven and is now seated at the right hand of God the Father. God has given the Lord Jesus all power in Heaven and in earth. He has the power to forgive your sins and make you a child of God.

“As many as received Him [the Lord Jesus as Savior] to them gave He power to become the children of God....” John 1:12

This verse tells us how to become a child of God. You become a child of God by taking the Lord Jesus as your Savior.

To become a child of God, there is something to believe and Someone to receive. That Someone to receive is the Lord Jesus Christ.

God has given the Lord Jesus to you to be your Savior, but you must receive Him. When you take Him as your Savior, you become a child of God.

"How do I take the Lord Jesus as my Savior?"

You take Him as your Savior by inviting Him to come into your heart. Your heart is like a house with a door. The Lord Jesus said,

“Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if anyone hears My voice, and opens the door, I WILL COME IN….” Revelation 3:20

“He who believes on the Son has everlasting life….” John 3:36

This verse tells you that if you believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, you have everlasting life. Say this verse out loud, “He who believes on the Son has everlasting life.”

Now that we have explained the five steps, are you ready to take the Lord Jesus as your Savior? You can do this right now.

Since this is just between you and the Lord, it will be best if you can find a quiet place where you can be alone for a few minutes. So, right now, before you read the next part, find a quiet place where you can be alone with the Lord Jesus.

Now you are ready to talk to the Lord Jesus. Think carefully about each step and say the words softly.

“Lord Jesus, I know I have sinned. I am truly sorry for my sins and I want to stop doing them.”

“God, I thank You for loving me so much and for giving Your Son to die for my sins.”

“Lord Jesus, I do believe that You are the Son of God and that You died on the cross for my sins. I thank You for loving me so much.”

“Lord Jesus, please come into my heart and be my Savior. Right now, I take You as my Savior. Please forgive me of all my sins and make me a child of God.”

What did Jesus say that He would do if you asked Him to come into your heart? He said, “I WILL COME IN.” Does He keep His word? Yes, He certainly does. If you asked Him to come into your heart, and you really meant it, He came in. Now you belong to Him, and He belongs to you—forever!

“Thank You, Lord Jesus, for coming into my heart and for being my Savior. Thank You for giving me everlasting life.”

When you believe that Jesus died for your sins and you take Him as your Savior, you have everlasting life. You are saved. Your sins are forgiven. You are a child of God. It is just as simple as that.

God wants me to KNOW that I am saved
We are saved by what God has done for us in the Person of His Son. If you have trusted Christ as your Savior and Lord, God wants you to know that you have eternal life. The Bible says,

“These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that you may KNOW that you have eternal life…” (1 John 5:13).

Whose word is this? It is God’s Word, so we know that it is true.

God said it!

I believe it!

That settles it!

Being a child of God is the most wonderful thing in all the world, but let me tell you a secret. It will not always be easy while you are here on earth.

You will have many troubles as you travel to your home in Heaven. But you do not have to be afraid. Why? Because the Lord Jesus is living in your heart. He has promised, “I will never leave you...” (Hebrews 13:5).

Believers are loved and accepted in Christ
We have said that one of the deepest needs of every person is the need to be loved and accepted. Most of us go to great lengths to be liked and accepted by other people. We try to be on our best behavior. We try to impress others with our good points. We try to hide our weaknesses and failures. We are afraid that if other people find out what we are really like they will reject us.

God knows our need for love and acceptance and He has made a way for us to be totally loved and accepted by Him. The moment we take Christ as our Savior, God puts us IN CHRIST. The Bible says, “Of Him are you in Christ Jesus...” (1 Corinthians 1:30).

Because we are IN CHRIST, we are loved and accepted by God. When God looks at us, He sees us IN CHRIST. We are fully and forever loved and accepted because we are in Him.

Even after we are saved, we sometimes find it hard to believe that God really loves us. Our enemy, Satan, likes to confuse us and make us doubt God’s love. He especially likes to torment us when we fail God in some way.

The truth is that God knew all about us when He saved us. He has seen us at our very worst, and yet He loved us enough to give His Son to die for us.

If God loved me, sought me out, and brought me to Himself when I was rebellious and at enmity with Him, surely He will not stop loving me now that I belong to Him.

There will be times when we may feel that no one loves us, not even God. But feelings are not facts. We walk by faith in God’s Word and not by our feelings. Let us therefore believe God. Feelings or no feelings, whatever God says, it is true! The Apostle John said, “We have known and believed the love that God has to us…” (1 John 4:16).

"I have a problem..."
You may want to take the Lord Jesus as your Savior, but something seems to be holding you back. Let us consider some problems you may have.

• “I think it is for someone else, not for me.”

You read John 3:16, and you say, “Yes, this is true, but it is for someone else, not for me.”

But it IS for you! When the Bible says, “For God so loved the world,” it is talking about you. You are in the world! And when it says, “whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life,” that means you also. God loves you, and He gave His Son to die for you. He urges you to receive Him as your Savior.

• “If I take Christ as my Savior, won’t I miss out on a lot that life has to offer?”

No, not at all. There is nothing in this world more exciting and more satisfying than having a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.

Life does not have to be a lonely, do-it-alone struggle. It is exciting when Christ is in control. That is the way He planned it. Jesus said,

“I have come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).

• “I don’t think I can become a Christian in my situation.”

You may be saying, “I know that I should take Christ as my Savior, but I don’t think I can be a Christian in my situation.”

Taking Christ as your Savior is a transaction of the heart, and it can take place any time and in any circumstances. When Christ saves you, He comes to live in you. He can give you power to live for Him in any situation.

• “I have been involved in sexual sins. Do you think God can forgive me?”

You may have fallen into deep sin, but God can lift you up. When you take Christ as your Savior, God forgives you of your sins—all of your sins. The Bible says,

“…the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from ALL SIN” (1 John 1:7).

God wants you to be truly sorry for your sins—sorry enough that you turn from them. God also wants you to know that you can be forgiven of your sins by confessing them to Him and trusting in Jesus’ blood which was shed for them. The Bible says,

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

• “I am afraid of what my friends may think.”

The remedy for peer pressure is to realize that your relationship to Jesus Christ is far more important than any other relationship you can ever have. Your eternal destiny depends on your relationship to Him. It is downright tragic to reject Christ because of what your friends may say or think.

• “I don’t believe in God, and I don’t believe in hell.”

Your unbelief does not do away with God, sin, death, judgment or hell. One minute after you die you will be either in Heaven, rejoicing in the presence of Christ, or you will be discovering the reality and horrors of hell.

Dear Friend,
You may die unsaved, but you will not die unloved. God is for you. The Son of God is for you. Christ died for you. Trust Jesus Christ as your Savior now! Here is a prayer to help you:
“Dear God, I know I’m a sinner. I believe that Jesus Christ is Your Son and that He died for my sin. Lord Jesus, please come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior.”

Fifteen year old Diane Patmont was one of the popular drum majorettes at Skyline High School in Oakland, California. Not only was she pretty and vivacious, but Diane was an outstanding student and she had many friends.

Diane was peppy and full of life, but she had a serious side also. She wanted to know the answers to the big questions in life: Where did I come from? Why am I here? What happens after death? She once said, “There are so many roads to follow in this life, how do I know which one to take?”

Two friends took the lead
One evening two girls sensed Diane’s need for a real Christian experience and they invited her to attend church with them. There God spoke to Diane’s heart, and she realized her lost condition and her need of a Savior. After the service, she went to talk with her pastor. The pastor opened the Bible and pointed her to the One who said, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life; no man comes unto the Father but by Me” (John 14:6). Diane knelt in prayer and asked the Lord Jesus to come into her heart and be her Savior.

The Word of God gave Diane full assurance that her sins were forgiven and that she had everlasting life. “He that believes on the Son has everlasting life…” (John 3:36).

Diane had assurance from God’s Word that she was saved, and her joy knew no bounds.

Then came spring vacation, and her family had planned a trip to visit relatives in Iowa. Somehow, Diane had a premonition about the trip and she confided to several of her friends, “I have a feeling that I won’t come back from our trip.” No one took her seriously. “See you in a week!” they called.

As Diane packed for the trip, she said to herself, “What if I don’t come back? How will all my friends hear about what Christ has done for me? I must write a letter.”

To make sure that her letter would be found if something did happen to her, Diane called her best friend and said, “Lynn, if I don’t come back from this trip, will you please get this letter on my desk and read it to everyone.”

The next day, the weather was abominable as the family drove on curving roads through the mountains of Nevada. In a blinding rain, the car suddenly went out of control and skidded over an embankment. Diane and her older sister had just changed places in the car, and as the car plunged over the embankment, Diane became the target for much flying glass. As soon as possible, help arrived; but the ambulance had to drive 53 miles in a heavy downpour to get to the nearest hospital.

Though in a state of shock, Diane spoke again and again of her Savior. Then she asked her father, “Daddy, am I dying?” Her father said, “You’re going to be all right, honey.” But somehow Diane sensed that death was near; and she said triumphantly, “I’m not afraid to die. I know where I am going.” Shortly before the ambulance reached the hospital, Diane had passed from this world into the presence of her Savior whom she loved so much.

Diane’s greatest desire
Diane’s greatest desire in life was that everyone might hear what Jesus Christ had done for her. Just before she died, she made one request, “Tell everyone what Jesus did for me.” Her wish has been carried out in a wonderful way.

Diane's Letter...

Right now, it’s about 8:35. It’s Friday night, and tomorrow morning we’re leaving for Iowa.
I feel that a person never knows what’s going to happen next. What I mean is, I could possibly be killed on the trip I’m going to make with my family. I really doubt it because I feel there’s too much God wants me to accomplish. But I’m writing this just in case.
I found out something very important this year. It was the answer to every problem I’ve ever had or will have. I found out that religion is not old lady stuff. I found out it isn’t religion that’s important, but that it’s knowing Jesus Christ as my personal Savior...and trusting Him.
You know something, before I was a saved Christian, there was emptiness in my life, something was gone, but now—my life is complete—I’m saved through Jesus Christ.
I know, to a person who doesn’t know the Lord as their Savior, this sounds completely unreal—but please, please, please, I beg you to talk to my pastor about how I feel. He will tell you because he knows I was in his study after church on October 28. That day I got down on my knees with him and accepted the Lord Jesus into my heart and was saved. Since then, the Lord has changed my heart completely. I can’t put into words how much He has done for me and will do for you if you’ll only let Him.

I beg you to talk to the pastor, Lynn, Leslie, Laurie, Grandma and Grandpa. Please do it, please. Also, please read the material underneath my Bible on Pat’s hope chest. And please read the Bible—especially the New Testament. Do it for me to see what I’m talking about. And…it isn’t religion! It won’t get you anywhere, but Christ will get you to Heaven. I know I’ve many bad faults to overcome. But with His help I can do it. When I get back I promise to write a whole notebook on how the Lord has changed my life: I pray God will let me live long enough to do it.
Please do what I have said. Please remember this (from the Bible): 1 John 5:11-13—
“And this is the record, that God has given to us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. He that has the Son has life, and he that does not have the Son of God does not have life. These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that you may KNOW that you have eternal life, and that you may believe on the name of the Son of God.”
Please remember that He lives today and He answers prayer. Please, get on your knees now and accept Him into your heart if you never have done it before. You’ll never know peace until you do—Please do it—He’s waiting.
Please tell everyone I know about my faith in Jesus Christ—He’s real.
Yours in Christ,
Diane Patmont
My Closest Friend, Diane
by Lynn Jennings

Diane Patmont was my closest friend. We had many good times together…sharing secrets and double-dating; joining in prayer and in reading God’s Word. Often with several other girl friends we would end our parties and other social times in prayer and Bible reading.

Diane had known about what the Lord can do for a person most of her life, as she had attended church, but she had never taken the step of receiving Christ as her own Savior until she started attending church with me. When another girl friend of ours made a personal decision for Christ, Diane began to think seriously of making that decision in her own life.

It was October 28, after the morning church service, that I walked with Diane to the pastor’s study. There she made her decision for Christ. After that time Diane was so interested in God’s Word. Often, in our telephone conversations, we would discuss Bible verses and prophecy. Once a week Diane talked with her pastor, seeking answers on certain portions of Scripture and matters regarding our Christian faith.

In the late afternoon of April 5, Diane talked to me on the phone. The next day she was to leave on a vacation trip to Iowa with her family. She told me during our telephone conversation: “In case I don’t come back, please go into my room, get the testimony I am leaving and show it to everyone.”

We discussed where she should leave it and decided on her desk. Two days following, Diane was killed in an auto accident in Nevada. When I heard the news, I immediately told mother of the letter she had written, saying I must get it. I did. It was right where we had decided she would put it.

A premonition? No, I believe the Lord was talking to Diane through His Holy Spirit and that Diane wanted to be sure to leave a testimony about her Lord as she said, “…just in case….”

I have lost a wonderful friend on this earth, but I do know I shall see her again, for I have the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior, too. We shall meet again in Heaven.

 

[RiverOL]

Identifying Real Love

No theme is more popular in television and movies than LOVE. Soap operas are filled with “romantic love.” The subject of love is likewise the theme of most popular songs. We are bombarded with the idea, “Love is all that matters.”
In a secular magazine, a writer describes what most people think about romantic love:
“Love is a mysterious visitation which comes out of nowhere and into the here and now and takes hold of you—just like the measles…. It is recognized intuitively…. If it’s the real thing, you won’t have to be told. You will know without asking.
“Love is so important that you must give up everything else for it. A man is justified in giving up his wife for it, a woman is justified in abandoning her home and children for it, a king is justified in giving up his throne for it.
“It may go as unexpectedly as it came, and there is nothing you can do about that either. It is not, in any way, subject to human control.”
(Paul Popenoe, “The Romantic Complex,” Family Life Magazine.)
This is NOT real love! This is an infatuation. Real love does not act that way. An infatuation does indeed go as unexpectedly as it comes and there is little you can do about it. But real love is unselfish, committed love. It hangs in there!
You may wonder why it is so important that you know the difference between real love and infatuation. The reason is this: Knowing the difference can keep you from making a lifelong mistake.

Each year millions of starry-eyed couples walk down the aisle and solemnly commit themselves to love each other for the rest of their lives. For some of these couples, marriage will turn out to be a beautiful experience. For others, it will be something to be endured. But for half of them, it will be a disaster. In a few short years, they will discover that they simply cannot stand living together.
What makes the difference? Some couples are basing their marriage on real love. Others are basing theirs on infatuation, which is false love. A marriage based on infatuation will not last.
Follow the clues

During the time of the Gold Rush, many prospectors thought they had “struck it rich.” But they found out later to their dismay, that what they had discovered was not real gold at all, but a worthless mineral named pyrite. Pyrite looks like gold, but it has no value at all. It is called “fool’s gold.”
It is NOT easy to tell the difference between infatuation and real love. In his book, Sex, Love or Infatuation: How can I Know?, Dr. Ray Short gives some valuable clues which enable a person to test his romance and determine if it is the real gold of true love or the “fool’s gold” of infatuation.

We are going to consider twelve of these clues, but first let us note two things: (1) The order of the clues is not important. One clue is just as important as the others. (2) No one clue can stand alone. You must take into account all twelve clues.

Infatuation: If you are infatuated, the main interest is likely to be the physical equipment of the other person. A pretty face and a lovely figure are powerful attractions, but looks can be deceiving. They are like the wrappings around a gift box—they do not tell you anything about what is inside. And physical beauty does not last forever.

Dr. Short says, “Out of the dozens of high school assemblies I went to as a young man, I recall only one. ‘Guys,’ the speaker said solemnly, ‘before you marry a girl for her pretty face and sexy form, ask yourself: What’s she going to look like in 30 years?’ That stopped me.”

Real love: If your love is real, your interest is in the total personality of the one you love. There is the thrilling element of physical attraction, but it is only one of many things about the person that attract you.

Infatuation: In infatuation, the things that attract you are usually few in number, but they can be very appealing to you. A guy may be smitten by the way his girl smiles or the sexy way she walks.

Real love: If it is real love, most of the qualities of the other person attract you. Each of us has a multitude of character traits, attitudes and interests. How many of these have you observed in the other person and how many do you find attractive?

This is important because, when the initial excitement of being married wears off, you need a lot of common interests to keep your marriage alive and well.

Infatuation: Infatuations start fast. There is no such thing as real love at first sight, but there can be infatuation at first sight. The love songs say, “The eyes of the lovers meet across a crowded room, lights flash, and they just know that they are meant for each other.” Actually, they do not know anything except they have made a good first impression on each other.

Real love: Real love always starts slowly. It cannot be any other way. You have to know a person before you can truly love that person and that takes time—lots of time—to really know someone.

A long courtship is far better than a short one. One year is better than six months, two years better than one, three years better than two, and four better than three.

The statistics are absolutely clear on this subject. But most young people will not wait even one year. Many who rush into marriage learn by sad experience the truth of the old saying: Marry in haste, repent in leisure. If you make the mistake of rushing into marriage, you will have plenty of time to be sorry afterward.

Infatuation: In an infatuation, your interest in each other blows hot and cold. One reason for this is that your interest grew so fast that the roots are shallow. Your whole relationship is shallow.

Real love: In real love your feelings are likely to be warm and tender instead of hot and cold, and they are more consistent. Real love grows slowly, but the roots grow deep.

Infatuation: An infatuation has a disorganizing effect upon your personality. It makes you less efficient and less responsible. Your romantic feelings are in control and you walk around in a daydream. The girl who says, “I know he has his faults, but nothing really matters except the love which we have for each other,” is infatuated…PERIOD! If she marries him, she will find out in time that those “other things” do matter very much.

Real love: If your love is real, the one you love will bring out your best qualities and make you want to be a better person. A fellow who was really in love said of his girl, “I love her, not only because she is so wonderful, but because she is such an encouragement to me to be the right kind of person.” In real love, you plan and prepare yourself for a successful future marriage.

Infatuation: In infatuation, your whole “universe” revolves around that other person. Other relationships do not seem very important to you. You tend to neglect your family and friends.

Your romantic infatuation becomes the most important thing in your life. It can become the only thing that really matters to you. You think you are justified in doing anything for this wonderful “love” that has come into your life. Most infatuations do not last long, but the wrong things you do when you are infatuated often have lifetime consequences.

Real love: In real love, your beloved is the most important person in the world to you, but your relationships with your family and friends continue to be important to you, and you do not neglect them.

Infatuation: What other people think of your “beloved” is an important test. If you are infatuated, the chances are that your parents and many of your friends will not approve of the relationship.

One of the dangerous things about an infatuation is that you tend to idolize the other person. You do not see any faults, because you are “blindly in love.” Your friends try to point out danger signals to you, but you ignore them. Your parents may lovingly warn you that you are about to make a big mistake, but you will not listen to them.

A young person may say, “So what? We are marrying each other—not each other’s families and friends.” It is absolutely foolish to ignore the advice of people who love you.

Over the years both you and your beloved have acquired your own circles of friends. We all tend to become like those we choose as our friends and they tend to become like us. So your friends are, in a sense, a “mirror” of what you are like. You may be infatuated with the other person, but your friends are not. When they see danger signals, you should listen to them.

Real love: In real love, chances are that your parents and most of your friends will approve of the relationship. To have God’s blessing on your marriage, it is very important that you have the consent and approval of both sets of parents.

Infatuation: One of the best tests of a romance is the test of separation. If you are infatuated, time and distance will kill the relationship. This is particularly true if the couple has been mainly interested in each other’s physical equipment. After a while, a real, live somebody close by becomes more appealing than a photograph of a far away sweetheart.

Real love: In real love, absence makes your heart grow fonder of the one you love. Real love can and will survive the test of time and distance.

Real love is rooted in the other person’s total personality, not just their physical equipment. The time you spent together caused your personalities to “grow together.”

When you are separated, a part of you seems to be missing. Another person, however attractive, cannot fill the void in your heart. When you are separated, you may feel anxious as well as sad. The thought may come, “What if he or she meets somebody else?” That may happen, but if the one you love can be happier with someone else, it is better to find it out now and not after marriage. So if separation does come, accept it and don’t worry about it. If your relationship is an infatuation and does not survive, it is good that you found out about it before it was too late.

Infatuation: In an infatuation, you quarrel often. You may do a lot of kissing and making up, but as time goes on, the quarrels become more frequent and more severe. Your relationship is like that of the two porcupines in freezing weather. When they were apart, they shivered from the cold and when they huddled together, they pricked each other.

Phil and Alice dated for over two years. During that time they broke up and made up at least once a month. They quarreled over silly things and imaginary grievances. Both pretended great jealousy. It was Alice’s best friend, Mary, who dealt the eye-opening blow. Alice confided the details of their latest disagreement. “Just wait till he tries to get me back,” she threatened, “I’ll never speak to him again!”

“Yes, you will, Alice,” Mary told her kindly, “but I hope it will be to say a firm ‘Goodbye, Phil, it’s over.’” To Alice’s surprised reaction, Mary explained, “You bring out the worst in each other. You quarrel because you have nothing left to talk about. A fight, and a tearful, romantic ‘making-up’ is your escape from boredom.”

Real love: In real love, there will be disagreements, but real love will live through them. Quarrels will become less frequent and less severe. Every couple should learn how to handle conflicts. It is far better to discuss differences openly and frankly than to allow them to smolder under the surface.

Infatuation: In an infatuation, you tend to think of your relationship in terms of two people—you and the one you love. When talking about your activities, the words commonly used are: I, me, my, he, his, her, and hers. You are thinking of yourselves as two separate persons.

Real love: In real love, the words commonly used are: we, our, us. You are thinking of yourselves as a unit.

This clue may not seem very important while you are dating, but it has major importance in marriage.

In a marriage based on infatuation, the husband and wife may find more pleasure in pursuing separate interests than in doing things together. The husband may want to go out with the guys rather than be at home with his family. Or the wife may be more interested in her social contacts than her duties at home. In a marriage where there is real love, husband and wife find their pleasure doing things together. The response is often, “I do not want to go unless you can go too.”

Infatuation: In infatuation, your interest in the other person is primarily selfish. A fellow may date a girl who is pretty and popular just to boost his ego. She may be selfish and demanding, but if she is the “queen” of the school, that makes him the “king” when he dates her. Likewise, a girl may keep a fellow “on the string,” not because she has any real interest in him, but because he is devoted to her and that builds up her ego.

Real love: In real love, you love the person for what he or she is—not for what they can do to build your ego.

Infatuation: Is it your goal to find the person who will devote his or her life to making you happy? Is your main concern to look out for Number One—namely yourself? If so, you are infatuated. Your overall attitude is selfish—you are mainly concerned about what you can get out of the relationship.

Real love: Real love is unselfish, committed love. You want to do all you can to bring happiness to the other person. Your overall attitude is that of giving to the relationship and not that of getting what you can out of it.

Evaluating your romance
After reading these twelve clues, you probably have a good idea as to whether or not you are infatuated or really in love. However, you need to check it out more thoroughly.

Examine each clue carefully. Take all the time you need. You will want to find out not only if a clue indicates that your love is real, but to what degree it indicates that. In most cases, the clue may indicate a mixture of infatuation and real love. So rate each clue on a scale of zero to 10. Zero means completely infatuated and 10 stands for real love.

Get a sheet of paper and study the clues carefully, beginning with Number 1. Give each clue a rating as it applies to you. For example, on Clue #1, you may say, “To be perfectly honest, I have been primarily interested in the physical equipment of the other person, so I will give myself a score of two on this one.”

On Clue #7, you may find that about half of your friends approve of your relationship and half do not. In this case, give yourself a 5 on this one.

When you have scored yourself on all twelve clues, add up the score.

A total score of 80 or above would indicate that you have a rather solid relationship. From your standpoint, you could be encouraged to think that your love could support a successful marriage.

But this is just your side. The other person should take the test and score high also. Love must be mutual. No matter how much you may love a person, one-sided love will not work. The other person must love you in return.

If your score is from 50 to 80, you need more time to see in which direction the relationship will go.

If your score is less than 50, you are infatuated. So take special care to guard your affections. Above all, do not get involved sexually, and do not rush into marriage.

Note this: Scoring high on the test does not necessarily mean that you are ready for marriage. You may be too young for marriage even though you scored high. Then again, you may be old enough, and yet you and the other person have not known each other long enough. As we have already said, you should know each other well for at least two years before considering marriage.

If you are in doubt...don't!
If you have the slightest doubt about a relationship, it is better to go slow or even back away from it. It is never easy to give up someone you love, but it can be the best thing that ever happened to you. Mrs. Catherine Marshall related this story:

I remember the agony of one attractive young girl, Sara B., who shared with me her doubts about her engagement. “I love Jeb,” she said, “and Jeb loves me. But the problem is, he drinks. Not that he is an alcoholic. But the drinking is a sort of symbol of a lot of ideas he has. It keeps bothering me—enough that I wonder if God is trying to tell me to give up Jeb.”
As we talked, Sara came to her own conclusion. It was that she would lose something infinitely precious if she did not follow the highest and the best that she knew. Tears glistened in her eyes as she said, “I’m going to break the engagement. If God wants me to marry Jeb, He will see that things change—about the drinking and all.”
Right then, simply and poignantly, she told God of her decision. She was putting her broken dreams and her now unknown future into God’s hands.
Jeb’s ideas and ideals did not change, and Sara did not marry him. A year later Sara wrote me an ecstatic letter. “It nearly killed me to give up Jeb. Yet God knew that he wasn’t the one for me. Recently I’ve met the man and we’re to be married. Today I really have something to say about the wisdom and the joy of trusting God….”
Take your time
Remember, time is your best friend in determining if your romance is real love or infatuation. So take time—plenty of time—before making the lifetime commitment of marriage.

Getting involved sexually is “cheating” on the test of time. It causes an infatuation to last longer than it normally would. It can deceive a couple into thinking that they have found real love when all they have is a satisfying sexual relationship.

You may say, “Well, if you have a satisfying sexual relationship, why not get married?” The answer is this: A marriage based on sexual attraction alone is doomed to failure from the very beginning. Such marriages rarely last over three to five years.

Again we say, take time—plenty of time. The test of time will work for you unless you cheat by getting involved sexually. Those who cheat on the test of time will find some day that they cheated themselves.

Why Not

Why I choose not to"Do it."
I'm 18 and just graduated from high school. I’m not writing to ask for advice or to tell you about a problem I have.
Maybe my story is not that exciting at all. I always read stories in books about teens who have made mistakes with sex or have tried it for the experience. I know there must be some people who are not “doing it.” I know that because I’m one of those people.
When some people find out I’m a virgin at 18 they are shocked. Maybe they are shocked because these days guys think girls who are virgins must be unattractive or unpopular or uninterested in sex.
Maybe I’m not the most beautiful girl in the world, but I am a normal person. I was a cheerleader and my high school’s Homecoming Queen.
I enjoy dating and plan to enjoy sex one day with the man I marry. Why did I choose to not “do it”? Well, I have three reasons.

1. I have seen how sex before marriage can ruin a relationship.
2. I think sex is a very intimate, personal thing that I’m not ready to share with just anyone.
3. Having sex will mean giving myself totally to someone. It is a gift so valuable that I want to give it only to the person with whom I will share the rest of my life. Maybe my letter will help girls like me (and guys) to hang in there and not give in just because their friends do.

Marya
P.S. After graduating from college, I met a wonderful Christian man who respected me and my convictions. We are now married and have two beautiful sons. Now I truly understand why saving sex for marriage is part of God’s perfect plan.

 

[RiverOL]

Choosing Wisely

Next to your decision to take Jesus Christ as your Savior, the most important decision you can make is the choice of a life partner.
Some people prefer not to marry. That is certainly an acceptable choice, but most people choose to marry.
Getting married is easy. Having a happy and successful marriage is not easy. You do not just “luck” into it. There are some definite things you can do that will greatly improve your chances of having a successful marriage. Here are five things:

1. Understand Biblical marriage.
2. Become the “right” person.
3. Look to God to give you the right mate.
4. Choose wisely.
5. Seek God’s blessing on your engagement.

Understand Biblical Marriage


Marriage is one of the most important events in any person’s life. It marks the entrance into a whole new way of life as two people blend their lives into one.
Biblical marriage is a lifetime commitment. It is a serious thing for a man and woman to solemnly vow before God and families and friends that they will love and cherish each other until death parts them.

God takes vows seriously. God says: “When you make a vow, you must keep it.” God has no pleasure in those who make vows and break them. In His word, God says, “I hate divorce...” (Malachi 2:16).
You will take a big step toward a successful marriage if both of you agree that marriage is for life and that divorce is not an option for you. Jesus said,
“…What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6).
There will be problems in any marriage, but there is a big advantage when both husband and wife know that they are committed to each other for life. It provides a security and freedom in which they can work out their problems without the threat of divorce. The word “divorce” should NEVER be used as a weapon in an argument.

Become the "right" person
Most young people spend a lot of time wondering if they will ever find the right person to marry. This is important, but it takes two “right” people to make a happy marriage.
It is just as important for you to become the right person as it is for you to find the right person. Here are some things that you can do to prepare yourself for marriage:

• Establish a personal relationship with God.

If you are not a Christian, the most important thing you can do to prepare yourself for marriage is to establish a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. When you become a Christian, God’s Holy Spirit comes to live in you. The Bible says, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, self control” (Galatians 5:22-23). These are the qualities that make a home a little bit of heaven on earth.

You may be a Christian, but do you have a daily personal relationship with Christ? Do you read God’s Word each day? Are you growing in the Lord? Are you faithful in your local church?
If you truly love the Lord and delight yourself in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart. The Bible says,
“Delight yourself also in the Lord; and He shall give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

• Learn unselfish love.

A big part of “becoming marriageable” is learning unselfish love. As we have said, God has given us our home as the best place in which to learn this kind of love. You may think that those in your family are hard to get along with, but this is the very place for you to learn the unselfish, sacrificial love that is so necessary to a happy home. So begin now to thank the Lord for putting you where you are.

• Learn to be happy as a single person.

It is natural and normal for a young person to long for a mate, but you need to learn to be content as a single person. Every young person needs to know that marriage is NOT the answer to a single person’s loneliness. If you do not learn to be content as a single person, you will not be content as a married person.
Millions of people who are married are still lonely and unsatisfied. They sought love and fulfillment from another person and were disappointed.
God wants you to learn to be content as a single person. To rush into marriage with the wrong person because you are panicking at the thought of being single the rest of your life is one of the most tragic mistakes that you can ever make.
The secret of being content is knowing God’s love. His love can fully satisfy you. Set your affections on Him. Love Him with all your heart. Read Psalm 91, especially the last three verses, and see what God promises to do for the person who sets his love on Him.

Look to God to give you the right mate
If you are a Christian, God is far more concerned about whom you marry than you are. In His Word, God says that the very hairs of your head are numbered! If God cares enough about you to keep up with the exact number of hairs you have on your head, you can be sure that He is concerned about whom you will marry.
Marriage is serious business—it is a lifetime commitment. God knows how important marriage is. He knows that marrying the wrong person can ruin your life.
If it is God’s will for you to be married, God has the right person for you. But God does not automatically cause you to marry the right person.
A Christian may become infatuated with the wrong person just like anybody else. Often, because the Christian wants to marry this person, he or she can see all kinds of wonderful “signs” that God is leading them to marry. He forgets that Satan is a great matchmaker! Satan loves to arrange circumstances that cause a believer to marry the wrong person.

Dr. James Dobson, noted Christian counselor, says, “Anyone who believes that God guarantees a successful marriage to every Christian is in for a shock.” Dr. Dobson relates the following story:

“A young man whom I was counseling once told me that he awoke in the middle of the night with the strong impression that God wanted him to marry a young lady whom he had dated only a few times.

“The next morning he called her and relayed the message which God had supposedly sent him during the night. The girl figured that she should not argue with God, and she accepted the proposal. They have now been married for seven years and have struggled for survival since their wedding day!”

Remember, God is vitally interested in your choice of a mate. He wants to guide you in this all-important decision.

Choose wisely
You are to look to God to guide you in the choice of a mate, and you are to use the good sense and wisdom He has given you. Here are some things that will help you make the right choice:

• Know what you are looking for.

Some people think they can be happy only with the person who is the best looking, most intelligent, and most charming person in the world. Let’s face it, your chances of finding a perfect person are zero. But you can find the one who is just right for you. True love is found in the one who “completes” you—the one you feel belongs to you.

If you want your marriage to be the thrilling and happy experience that God intends it to be, make sure that you are a Christian and the one you marry is also a Christian. Many people do not understand what it means to be a Christian. They think that anyone who goes to church, says he or she is a Christian, and tries to live a decent life is a Christian. This is not so.

According to the Bible, a Christian is one who has seen that he is a sinner and has taken Jesus Christ as his Savior. There is no middle ground—either a person has received Christ or he has not. The Bible says,

“He that has the Son has life; and he that does not have the Son of God has not life” (1 John 5:12).

It is never God’s will for a Christian to marry a non-Christian. Any Christian who deliberately disobeys the Lord’s plain command and dates and marries a non-Christian can expect serious consequences.

• “But what if I don’t know if he is a Christian?”

If he is someone that you know well and you are not sure he is a Christian, he is probably not a Christian. At least he is not the kind you would want to consider as a mate.

It is not enough just to look for a Christian. You need to look for one who has truly committed his life to Jesus Christ—one who has made Christ the center of his life.

Both husband and wife need to see the importance of giving Christ His rightful place in their lives and in their home. The Bible says,

“Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it…” (Psalm 127:1).

• Beware of physical intimacy.

Physical intimacy, or “petting,” stirs up sexual passions which “blind” those involved. This has caused many couples to make a lifetime mistake. They married, thinking that they had real love but then discovered too late that all they had was sexual attraction. Do not make this mistake.

Satan offers short-term thrills that leave you with long-term regrets. When we obey God, He gives us long-term happiness with no regrets.

• Be sure you really know each other.

We can all be great actors—especially when we are trying to impress someone. Strange as it may seem, it is possible to date a person for several years, get married, and then find out that you did not really know the person you married.

Dr. Ray Short says,

“For years I have made a bold suggestion to students: No couple should marry until they’ve spent at least one weekend camping together—properly chaperoned, of course. You may learn more from one camp-out than you can from a dozen dates where each of you is on your best behavior. Find out how he or she reacts to a tough problem.”

To avoid the mistake of marrying someone you do not really know, spend quality time with each other in different situations.

Play games together. You may discover a streak of selfishness in a person while playing games—something you did not know was there. Is he a poor loser? Does she pout and smolder when things don’t go her way? Does he tease her unmercifully and then get angry when the teasing is directed toward him?

Work together. See how that person reacts under various conditions. Does he stay at a job and complete it or give up when he runs into problems? Is he cheerful under difficult circumstances? Is he considerate of others?

Think together. Get into some deep discussions to find out what each of you thinks about important matters. What priorities does this person have in life? Does he handle money wisely? What are his goals in life?

Worship together. You should be able to see the qualities of a sincere lover of God in this person. Is his faith the real thing or just “put on” to impress people?






A young wife mourned because her husband could not conduct family worship. She confided her disappointment to her pastor. “Did you pray together during your courtship?” the pastor asked. She admitted they had not. “I guess I knew, down deep, that Art was not a strong Christian. I mentally endowed him with qualities he did not have.”

The strongest and most lasting relationship between two people is one in which both are Christians, both are growing spiritually, and both are intent on following God and doing His will. As you and your beloved draw closer to God, you draw closer to each other. This is love at its very best!

• Esteem one another.

There is one all-important quality which your relationship must have: You must esteem each other. To esteem a person means to highly respect that person—to place a high value upon that person.

In a happy marriage, there is mutual esteem between husband and wife. Each respects and values the other highly.

• Do not choose too soon.

Again we want to emphasize the fact that time is your best friend in determining if you are really meant for each other. Do not rush into marriage. According to statistics, the best time for men to marry is between the ages of 27 and 31; for women, the best age is around 25.

Take all the time you need to be sure you choose the right person, but do not become engaged until you are prepared to marry in the near future. A long courtship and a short engagement is better than the other way around. If you have to wait longer than a year to get married, then wait to become engaged.

Seek God's blessing on your engagement
It is a thrilling time when you find the right person and you are engaged. But this is also a dangerous time in that you face special temptations.

Many couples who have avoided sex while dating often begin having sex when they are engaged. “After all,” they reason, “we plan to get married. If we take care not to be discovered and avoid pregnancy, why should we wait?”

This is wrong reasoning. An engagement is NOT marriage. Engagements are often broken. You may or may not marry the person you are engaged to.

If you break up, having had sex will make it all the more painful. And how will you feel when you meet your “one and only” later on? How will you tell him or her? What if he or she finds out about it from someone else? One thing is sure—you will be sorry you did not keep yourself for the one with whom you are to spend the rest of your life.

Suppose you do get married. Your honeymoon is supposed to be the most thrilling time of your life. But it will not be for you. Sex before marriage has destroyed the beauty and the wonder of the marriage bed.

If you engage in sex before marriage, you will discover that it causes problems and detracts from your full enjoyment of the sexual relationship with your mate after you are married.

Just as a computer is programmed by the things you put into it, we are “programmed” by the feelings that are associated with the things we do. First impressions are especially powerful and long remembered. The feelings you have when you do something for the first time are indelibly impressed on your mind.

When you engage in sex before marriage, there will be feelings of guilt, fear and loss of self-esteem. This is true for both partners, but especially true for women. They feel guilty because they know they are doing something wrong. There is loss of self-esteem because they are not living up to their high ideals. And there is fear because of the possibility of two things: (1) becoming pregnant or (2) getting caught in the act of sex.

Whether you are engaged or not, each time you have sex, you will feel some degree of guilt, fear and loss of self-esteem. Whether you realize it or not, you are being “programmed” to associate sex with these bad feelings.

Now suppose you get married. Once you are married, the relationship is legal. Now there is no reason to have those bad feelings when you have sex. So on your honeymoon you can forget all about guilt, fear and shame and begin to freely enjoy perfect, uninhibited sex…right???

WRONG!!! You will discover that those feelings of guilt, fear and shame are still there when you have sex. You have been “programmed” to associate those bad feelings with sex, and every time you have sex, those feelings of fear, guilt and shame will come back to haunt you.

Even after many years of marriage, you will still be unable to give yourself fully and freely to your mate. This is a terrible price to pay for a few moments of premarital sex.

If you want God’s blessing on your marriage, do not become involved sexually before you are actually married.

God's way is beautiful
“Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

A satisfying marriage with someone you love deeply is one of the richest gifts God can ever give you. If you think you have found your life partner, guard the sacredness of your relationship as you would guard a priceless treasure, because that is exactly what it is.

Purity before marriage prepares you for a beautiful wedding. As you stand before a holy God and commit yourself to your life partner, you will realize as never before that your virginity is the most priceless gift you could offer to your beloved. This is true for both guys and girls. If you have kept yourself pure, you will be so glad that you saved this priceless gift for the one with whom you will spend the rest of your life.

When the time comes for you to give yourselves to each other in sexual love, there will be a complete and total self-giving without any guilt, fear or shame. You will understand as never before that God’s will and your highest good are indeed one and the same thing. God always desires what is best for us.

As the two of you become one flesh, you will be aware of God’s approval. You are fulfilling that which He planned for marriage and God will take pleasure in it. Two of His children are experiencing total love in all the beauty, fervor and purity that God intended for them.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone...to have a deep, intimate relationship with someone...to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. Imagine God saying to you:

“You must first be satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone. Only by having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, will you be capable of having the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.
“I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep trusting Me, expecting the greatest things…keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
“Do not worry. Do not look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Do not look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you.
“Then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would dream of. I am working even at this moment to have you and the one I have for you ready at the same time.
“Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me, and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me.
“Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love…I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself.
"Know that I love you perfectly and completely."
I AM GOD.
Two Loves
Building a relationship to last a lifetime is no easy task.

I have experienced two kinds of dating relationships—one which I approached in a way typical of our generation’s mentality, and one built on the firm foundation of God’s principles...
My first love was a guy I’ll call Sam. Sam had been a Christian from childhood, and he and his family were responsible for my conversion. Beyond that, only two things were right about our relationship: We were both Christians, and he was a guy and I was a girl.
Because our relationship was based on the cornerstone of physical attraction we went through five years of the typical ups and downs, marked by jealousy and selfishness. Had we not been so emotionally involved, we would have broken up much sooner. We were miserable without each other. I had known Sam for so long that facing the reality of no future relationship with him was like adjusting to divorce or his death...
Without searching for a new relationship, I found myself one summer in a car pool 40 minutes a day with a guy named Stacy. I tried to make normal conversation, but after about two weeks I decided that I was very boring or Stacy was a recluse.
One day, though, I mentioned raquetball, and he began to talk nonstop. I was so amazed that when he began to ask questions about the length of my racquet and which shots I preferred, I completely made up my answers. I had never seen a racquetball in my life!
As soon as I got out of the car, I was stabbed with the realization that I had actually lied and would be faced with the humble admission of the truth the next day. Somehow, though that confession broke the ice, and we spent a delightful summer getting to know each other in our daily 40–minute car ride.

From that point on, we spent hours talking together in person and then over long distance. Because our relationship was marked by the lack of physical involvement (not lack of physical attraction!), we got to know each other’s goals, dreams and background. In fact, I felt I knew Stacy better than I had ever known any other guy before—Christian or non-Christian because I knew more about his total personality. My overwhelming emotion at that point was one of respect which eventually melted into genuine love...
When we married a year later we were both convinced that God had given us that time together and that our relationship was His doing. Only after marriage could I fully appreciate the significance of it.

 

[RiverOL]

Friendship…or Romance?

• 1. I Just Want to be Friends
• 2. Can We Still Be Friends?
• 3. I Don't Want a Serious Relationship
• 4. Not Ready for a Lasting Commitment
• 5. She Doesn't Like Me "That Way"
• 6. Can We Be Friends Again?
• 7. Expecting Too Much?
• 8. Should I Give Up?
• 9. Isn't God Enough?

I Just Want to Be Friends
Question: I went out with this girl at my church one time, but we broke up because we were better off just friends. We stayed friends, but lately she has been very touchy-feely with me, and is always hugging me. It makes me uncomfortable to have her acting like this. What should I do?
Answer: Talk to her. If you feel uncomfortable, chances are very good that she's dying inside. She's probably wondering whether she should talk to you.
Make your talk with her as comfortable as possible. Find a place where you'll have privacy, and have uninterrupted time to talk. Don't start the conversation by asking her what she's feeling—that will just put her on the spot. Do express what you're feeling and thinking.
She should understand that the original decision to stop dating was a good one, because you've been able to stay good friends. Let her know her friendship is important to you. Then carefully and gently explain that you're uncomfortable and confused when she hugs you and pays a lot of attention to you. Her actions make you wonder what's going on. Explain that your feelings haven't changed. You still very much want to be her friend, but you aren't interested in romance. When you've finished explaining your feelings, ask her how she feels about what you've said.
I'm sure it won't be easy to have this talk with her. And I imagine you'll get a very emotional reaction. Your friend may shed tears, she may be angry, she may even say mean words to you. Is it worth it? I think so. This way she gets the dignity of knowing where she stands, and she can begin to move on. It may not be easy for her, nor for you, but uncertainty has to be worse.
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Can We Still Be Friends?
Question: There's a girl I've been good friends with for about a year. A few months ago we kinda had a one-month fling. Basically, we let things go a little too far. Now we don't speak to each other. I still want to be friends, but I don't know how to approach her about it. Can you help me? I don't want to lose her friendship.
Answer: I'd suggest you write her a short note that says something like this: "I know it's over. I know I did some things I regret. But I still want to be your friend. Do you think there's any way we could talk about it?" Tell her you'll call her after she's had time to think about what you've said.
When you call, begin your conversation by telling her just what you said in the note. Emphasize that you don't want to get romantically involved again, but you'd like to be friends. Give her a chance to tell you how she feels about your relationship, and listen carefully to what she says. Then see if there are some practical plans you can make to be friends again.
I must warn you, though, that sometimes it's not possible to be friends again. Sometimes the emotions are too raw. If she says no, write her another note that says you'll leave it up to her—the door is always open from your side. Then move on.
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I Don't Want a Serious Relationship
Question: A friend and I have gone out on a couple of dates, and I think things are maybe getting serious. The last time we went out, we almost kissed. The thing is, I don't know if I'd like to be in a serious relationship. But I'd miss her if we weren't friends. How do I tell her this? Do you think we can still be friends?
Answer: Yes, but it's better to talk to her now rather than later. Why? She'll probably feel disappointment no matter when you have this talk. But it will be worse if you wait. As you talk to her keep it positive. Tell her you definitely like her and want to spend time with her, but don't feel ready for a serious relationship. Ask her: Would you still want to spend time with me knowing that I want to keep things on the lighter side? Tell her you'd understand if she felt awkward about an undefined relationship, but you hope you can enjoy each other's company in spite of that.
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Not Ready for a Lasting Commitment
Question: I am 16 years old. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we've been very serious. We've even promised each other that we'd get married. But now I'm not sure that this is the guy God wants me to marry, even though he's wonderful and treats me very well. When I'm honest with myself, I don't think I've ever been in love with him. I mean, I love him, but I think I would rather be friends. Still, I feel like I can't break up with him. He is my best friend in the world, and I couldn't bear to hurt him because I know he's in love with me. I just need to know if God will work this out in his own way. Will God lead my boyfriend and me to the people we're supposed to marry?

Answer: You're definitely in a tough spot. But things will only get tougher if you don't have an honest talk with your boyfriend. It's clear from your letter you aren't in love with him. If he really is your best friend in the world, you should be able to tell him what you feel.

You're right to think the truth will hurt him, unless his thinking tracks with yours and he's afraid to tell you. But do you think it will hurt less a year from now? The longer you conceal your feelings from this guy, the more pain he'll feel when he finds out. If you were in your boyfriend's position, wouldn't it hurt to know he had let you believe something untrue about the relationship?
Your final question gets to the heart of the issue. Do you trust that God will take good care of both you and your boyfriend? If you do, you don't have to manage everything yourself. Your job is to do what's right—to be truthful and kind. God will take care of the rest.
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She Doesn't Like Me "That Way"
Question: I've known a girl from my youth group for a long time, and we've been very close friends for a couple of years. For several months, I've liked her in a romantic way. I couldn't decide whether or not I should tell her about my feelings. When I finally did, she told me that she didn't want to date anyone.
The thing is, she's dated two guys since then and didn't even mention it to me. Now it feels like we're not as close as we were. I'm afraid she was just trying to "break it gently" when she said she didn't want to date anyone—instead of telling me she doesn't like me that way. Was it stupid to tell her how I felt? How can we go back to being friends like before?
Answer: No, you weren't stupid. You were brave. You took a risk. You like her, and you told her so. She doesn't feel the same way about you—at least, not right now. Now you know.
It definitely would have been better if she had been more direct, but she clearly didn't want to hurt you. Don't be too hard on your friend. It's tough to know how to tell someone who has romantic feelings for you that you don't feel the same way. I'll bet she probably feels weird now, not only because of your different feelings for one another, but because she knows she wasn't straightforward with you.
Reach out to her and tell her it's OK. Write her a note or talk to her in person. Tell her you value her friendship and hope you can resume that friendship with no hard feelings. You'll probably still feel weird for a while, but those feelings will fade if you keep trying.
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Can We Be Friends Again?
Question: I really thought I was in love with my best friend. I've liked her for a while now, but I was too shy to tell her. I decided to take a risk and tell her how I feel, and it ruined everything. Now I feel like I've lost my best friend because she didn't want more than a friendship. Is there anything I can do to go back to being friends with her?

Answer: Just wait. Right now, your emotions are intense and you probably can't find the calmness and peace to be her friend. She probably feels mixed up, too. This doesn't mean the friendship is gone forever, though. Have you ever swum in the ocean? When a big wave washes over you, it can tumble you like clothes in a washing machine. At that moment you can only hold your breath and wait for the wave to move on toward shore. Emotions are like that too: You'll find that they eventually fade and you can move on. Your relationship will never again be exactly the same, but after this awkwardness goes away, you will probably get your friend back. In fact, getting these emotions in the open may even help you become stronger and better friends, if you're patient.
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Expecting Too Much?
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, and we really care about each other. When our anniversary comes up, I'd like him to give me a promise ring. He says he doesn't want to spend a lot of money, but I told him for me it's more about the commitment than the money. He doesn't understand why I'd like a ring to show his commitment. I don't want to push him into something he's uncomfortable with, but I also want to know if he's truly serious about our relationship and feels that it could eventually lead to marriage. Do you think I'm expecting too much from him?

Answer: Absolutely. It sounds like you're pushing him to take a step he's not ready to make. If you nag him he may come up with a ring, but what does that gain you? A guy who feels pushed around and manipulated, that's what. You won't know if the ring represents his commitment or your pressure. You need to stop and ask why a promise ring is so important to you. Are you insecure about whether your boyfriend really cares for you? A promise ring won't solve that problem. If you are confident he is committed, ask yourself why you need an outward sign of it. This might be something to think and pray about, too.

It may be a good idea to simply ask your boyfriend where he sees your relationship heading. If it's really important to you to know whether this relationship may lead to marriage, you need to talk to him about it. Whether or not you like his answer, you'll then be able to decide whether you want to stay with him or feel like you need to move on.
Your boyfriend has to come to commitment on his own timing, with or without a ring. I know it feels distressing if you're ready to commit and he isn't. If this is the case, don't try to rush things. That's like looking in the oven while the cake is baking. You won't hurry the baking, and you might make the cake go flat. The only promise worth having is one made freely and joyfully.
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Should I Give Up?
Question: Earlier this year, I met a girl I really, really like. The problem is, when we'd met, she'd just broken up with her boyfriend and was really hurting. We became friends, and it made me feel good to listen to her talk about her feelings. A couple of months went by, and I waited as long as I could to tell her I like her. She told me she's not ready for another relationship, but that I shouldn't give up on her. I'm not really sure what that means. I like her so much, and I've tried to respect her space. Every time I think I should just give up, something tells me to hang on. What do you think I should do? What does "I'm not ready, but don't give up" mean?
Answer: To me, it sounds like this girl is definitely interested in you. But she's also feeling unsure of herself during this very emotional time. I think this is what she means by what she said. She wants to avoid becoming part of another relationship while she's hurting and thinking about her old boyfriend. At the same time, she values your friendship and could maybe eventually see the two of you together. She just doesn't want you to think the door will always be shut.
If I were you, I'd just be her friend right now. That's what she needs. And by keeping honest conversations going, you can ask her again in a couple of months if she's interested in a relationship. At the same time, I don't think you should be too worried or let this be the only thing you focus on. Make sure you're still involved with your other interests. Don't assume this relationship will take off. If you'd like to go out on dates with other girls, feel free to. There are no guarantees, but you may have a chance if you give her some time to heal and feel ready.
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Isn't God Enough?
Question: I'm tired of hearing about love all the time. I guess that's because nothing romantic has ever worked out for me. Girls are always telling me what a great friend I am, but no one ever seems interested in being more than friends. I would give just about anything to not even want a girlfriend or a wife someday. Why can't I just be happy with God's eternal, unconditional love? Shouldn't that be enough?
Answer: If you read the first chapters of Genesis, you'll find the answer to your question. Adam had God's company, but nevertheless something was lacking. God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18, NIV). The Creator designed us for human companionship. Something deep inside us longs for the partnership of the opposite sex.
At the same time, we don't live in the Garden of Eden. Relationships are difficult. We don't often get exactly what we long for. Most people experience struggle and loneliness, at least at times. You are certainly not the only one.
Still, good things can come out of those times of struggle and loneliness—like maturity, patience and hope. This is what Paul explains in Romans 5:3-4: "Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope" (NIV). For you, the challenge is to hang in there, not to become bitter and hopeless.
I encourage you to resist the temptation to be bitter. Keep your sense of humor and maintain a positive outlook. Don't let your disappointment ruin friendships. Be grateful that people call you a great friend!
It's likely you'll find love someday. And if you don't find that kind of love? Then God can provide other joys. You can count on him to take care of you. That's fundamentally what this discussion comes to: trusting him, whether or not things turn out the way you plan.

 

[RiverOL]

Anxieties about Love

• 1. How Can I get Her to Like Me?
• 2. Scared to Talk to my Crush
• 3. Why Can't I Like Guys?
• 4. Scared to Ask Her Out
• 5. Am I Ready to Date?
• 6. Just a Crush?
• 7. Am I Really in Love?
• 8. Meant to be Together?
• 9. How Do I Know?

How Can I Get Her to Like Me?
Question: What does it take to let a girl know you like her, and then get her to like you back? I've tried and tried to show a girl that I like her, but it just doesn't seem to work.
Answer: I don't know what you've tried, so it's difficult for me to say why things haven't worked out. My guess is that, if you've "tried and tried," you have succeeded in showing your interest. You just haven't succeeded in the second step, getting her to like you back. I can't recommend any magic words or expensive colognes that will send her flying into your arms. But here are three things to keep in mind as you try to capture this girl's attention:
1) Girls like guys who show an interest in them. Try asking questions to find out her interests, her ideas. And listen to her answers!
2) Girls like guys who are thoughtful. Try remembering when she has a test, where she goes on vacation, when she has her next ballgame.
3) Girls like guys who have a life. Try volunteering, joining a club, organizing a game of ultimate Frisbee—and invite the girl to join you. You might notice that all three of these steps go hand-in-hand with friendship. So instead of plotting out how you are going to show your affections and get her to like you, set your goal on being her friend and don't worry so much about romance.

Scared to Talk to My Crush
Question: I've liked this guy in my youth group ever since I first met him. Sometimes I even think I love him. My problem is I can't talk to him. Whenever I try to say hello, my heart jumps into my throat, and I get extremely nervous. I can talk to him if he starts the conversation, but sometimes I think he may be getting the impression that I don't like him because I talk to every other guy in our youth group. Can you please tell me what to do?
Answer: As impossible as this may sound, I encourage you to try to stop thinking about romance with this guy. I know that will be tough. I remember what it's like to have a crush. But daydreaming about the relationship you could have together will only increase your jitters when you're around him. Instead of thinking about your love for him, think about ways you could get to know him.
Why not plan an outing with several of your friends from youth group and ask him to come along? Go out for pizza, or invite them all over to your house to play some games. Plan a scavenger hunt or some other creative group activity. Games that involve teamwork will allow you to interact and become more comfortable around him, and that can lead to conversation. Don't expect to become best friends right away, though. Like any good relationship, it will take time to develop. As you spend time with him in small group settings, your nervousness will probably fade. You may even find yourself wondering what caused your jitters in the first place.

Why Can't I Like Guys?
Question: I am a 16-year-old female, and I have a somewhat serious problem. I can't like guys. Don't get me wrong, I'm not attracted to girls. It's just that as soon as a boy shows interest in me, I stop liking him. I'm currently dating a guy and forcing myself to like him, just to see if I can. Don't worry, I am not going to lead him on. He knows we're just good friends, but I want to become less stubborn and allow myself to have feelings for a guy.
Answer: I'd encourage you not to spend much time worrying about it. Romantic relationships are by no means essential for life. Most people want them, and many worry they'll never get one, but these things usually work themselves out in good time. Some people are just more cautious, shy, or reserved than others. While some girls have a million boyfriends by the time they're in junior high, many don't have any until college age or even beyond. There's nothing wrong with that. It probably feels miserable, but it doesn't predict a life of misery.
Whether or not you fall in love with boys right now isn't something to be concerned about. What's important is that you can relate to them and that you feel fairly comfortable around them. If you're comfortable with boys, if you make them your friends, the time will come when something deeper begins to happen. Remember, you don't necessarily want to fall in love a hundred times. Once is enough.
Please don't try to force yourself to like a guy. It won't work, and it can only make you feel worse. But do keep putting yourself into situations where you have to relate to guys. And be patient with yourself. God will provide all you need in his own good time.

Scared to Ask Her Out
Question: I want a girlfriend. In fact, I have a particular girl in mind, but I don't have the guts to ask her out. This has always been a problem for me. I get nervous just thinking about it. I can't even bring myself to talk about it with my friends or my parents—I'd just feel too weird. Do you have any advice?
Answer: As a certified shy person, I sympathize. I can remember exactly how it felt to be paralyzed by a member of the opposite sex. Like most people, I got over it eventually, but not without some trauma along the way.
The only cure for shyness is to move forward one step at a time, breaking down your fears. One step you can take is by doing just what you say you can't—talking about it with friends. If you could do that, you would undoubtedly experience some relief. It's not as terrible as you think to admit what you're feeling. That could help push you toward the next step—actually talking to the girl you like.
Another way to overcome shyness is to build friendship bridges through activities. If you get involved with activities—school, church or otherwise—where you can talk to girls, you'll find it breaks down your inhibitions. Also, you might be able to find a common activity with a girl you're interested in—and get to know her without risking rejection. What does she like to do? Find out, and see if there's a way to get to know her better.
Still, sometime sooner or later you have to take an initiative. I'd look for small, low-risk beginnings, like a telephone call to ask her about a homework assignment or if she knows the date of an upcoming concert. Or how about, "Would you like to grab a bite to eat?" Some people find it easier to have a small party or picnic (six or seven people just hanging out on a Friday night) without having to single out someone special. Gradually, you can warm up to each other and gain confidence that she's not likely to reject you.

Am I Ready to Date?
Question: I've never had a boyfriend. Some of the books I've read say you should wait until your twenties, because that's when your character is fully developed, and that's when you can get married. I've also kept a list of mistakes to avoid that I've read about in these books. Now I think I'm ready to date, but I guess I'm afraid of doing anything wrong—I'm afraid I'll mess up or that I'll marry the wrong person and end up divorced. Recently, I met a guy while I was volunteering at a Christian camp and I think he liked me. But it totally scared me, and I ended up avoiding him as much as I could. Am I normal? How can I get ready to date? How do I get over this fear?
Answer: A lot can be said for the "no dating" philosophy, but it does often lead to a problem: You don't get to know any boys. You haven't experienced the strong feelings that come with romance (or even potential romance); and then when you do get these feelings for the first time, they can scare you. In situations like that, shy people can be terrified and paralyzed. People who are more comfortable in social situations might make hasty or irrational decisions.
The other thing I noticed in your question is that you are concentrating very hard on "doing" dating right. Reading and studying up on dating "do's and don'ts" is fine, but it can also make us think too much about it. Honestly, there's no cut-and-dried way to date. Every human interaction and relationship is different. Because of that, don't worry too much about making mistakes.
Here's the truth: You will make some mistakes. The guys you date will too. Don't fear them. Don't worry about saying or doing something dumb once in a while. That will happen. And God can use those mistakes to teach you and help you grow. So, it comes down to trusting God to guide you through relationships and to help you choose wisely.
To me, it sounds like you probably need friends who are guys more than a boyfriend right now. You need to be around guys so you learn to feel comfortable relating to them. I'm glad to hear that you volunteered at a camp. That's a good idea—and the type of activity that would allow you to meet guys who can be friends. Get involved with activities that put you close to boys. Make yourself say hi to them. Think in advance of a question you can ask them. Gradually your fears will fade.

Just a Crush?
Question: Last summer, I met a guy at the work camp I went to. When I first saw him there, I knew I'd think about him the whole week—and every time I saw him, I would get so happy. Even though we never spoke, I would try to get his attention. On the last day of camp, I worked up my courage and asked him for his e-mail. When I got home, I e-mailed him, but I never heard from him. I cried a couple of times because I missed him. I found out he has a girlfriend, but I still really like him. Do you think maybe God is trying to say that he'll be back in the future, and that's why I still think about him? Why do I feel this way?
Answer: You feel this way because you have a classic case of infatuation. It's nothing to feel embarrassed by. Everybody goes through it. It's thrilling and it's painful—and the feelings are so intense and real that they can cause us to forget we're not actually in a relationship with the person we feel so strongly about.
I don't think God is saying anything to you except this: You're human. Human beings tend to fall in love.
You can learn some lessons about yourself through all this. Infatuations help us learn how love feels, and they help us get used to powerful emotions that can make us do crazy things. Usually infatuations are harmless. Given enough time, or some other attractive guy who comes along, you'll forget about this feeling—especially if you don't dwell on it.
Eventually the infatuation will fade like last year's newspaper. Cry a little, dream a little—and invest your time and energy in people whom you actually know. Someday you'll enter a relationship that's real.

Am I Really in Love?
Question: My boyfriend and I are sophomores in high school and we've been dating for seven months. We waited almost six months to kiss, because we wanted it to be at the right time. We haven't said, "I love you," because both of us want to be certain that the person we say the "L-word" to is the one God wants us to marry. Plus, we agree that we are probably too young to be in a really serious relationship. We know we're likely to change a lot over the next few years.
Lately, though, we've been growing closer. We didn't want our relationship to get very serious, but now I feel like I do love him. I honestly don't know if this is just teenager lovey-dovey stuff, or if it's the real thing. I'm afraid to talk to my boyfriend about it right now, because I think he might feel the same way and I don't want to be any more exposed to temptations—emotionally and physically—than I already am.
What should I do? Is this real love, or are we too young to feel this way?
Answer: You sound very thoughtful and conscientious, and I'm sure you are in the kind of relationship that is helping both of you to grow.
You've picked up on something important—words mean different things to different people. For a lot of people, "I love you" is a statement of their feelings right this minute. It doesn't trouble them that tomorrow they might not "love you." They want to say what they feel.
For other people, "I love you" is about more than feelings. It sounds like this may describe you. For people like you, "I love you" is a strong statement of commitment. It's not exactly an engagement ring, but it's moving in that direction.
If I'm right about what these words mean to you, I think you're right not to say them. As you've said, you have a lot of growing to do in the next four or five years. Maybe you're better off not feeling that you're tied down by something you said.
Still, I'd urge you to talk honestly to your boyfriend about what you're feeling. You may not want to use the words, "I love you," but I think it's best to acknowledge that your relationship has taken a turn for the serious. It's good to be truthful with each other, and to deal with reality. It's true that this seriousness exposes you to greater emotional and physical temptation—but that's true whether you talk about this development in your relationship or not. One question you should ask: How do we build a relationship that can be healthy and right over a period of years—if that's what's in store for us?

Meant to Be Together?
Question: I have been going out with this girl for a while, but I don't know if we have a future together. How can I tell if I still like her? On a similar note, how can I tell if Satan put these doubts into my mind, or if God is telling me to find someone else?
Answer: I wouldn't blame your thoughts on God or Satan. I think they probably come from a natural thought process. As you think through where this particular relationship is headed, you can't help but have some doubts. It's perfectly normal.
Generally, I'd say if you can't tell whether you still like this girl, you probably don't. You shouldn't feel bad if your feelings have changed. It's normal to have an interest in more than one girl before you eventually find the right one to marry.
I think it's better to move on now rather than after months of an uncertain or unhappy relationship. Of course, breakups hurt, so please be as kind as possible when you break up with your girlfriend. In the long run, this breakup will be helpful because each of you will be free of a relationship that probably isn't helping either of you.

How Do I Know?
Question: I've been dating a guy for about a year, and we really have fun together. He says he loves me, but I've never responded, "I love you, too." I guess my question is, how do you know when you're in love? I mean, I'm 16 and I've never been this close to a guy before. I just don't know if I'm mature enough to know what love is. Can you help?
Answer: I'd like to start by looking at another important question: What should you say when he says "I love you"? Here's what you shouldn't say: "I love you too, if that makes you feel any better." If a guy loves you and wants to say so, that's wonderful, but it doesn't mean you're obliged to match his feelings. If you're unsure, you're unsure. Don't say what you don't mean, but don't answer with silence, either. That just leaves the guy hanging. Instead, try something like this: "I appreciate your telling me that, but it makes me feel a little awkward. See, I like you a lot, but I don't really know what love is yet. I don't want you to think I don't like you. I'm just not ready to use the 'L' word. When I am, you'll be the first to know."
We don't have scientific instruments to measure love. It's a powerful thing, but each individual has to figure out for herself or himself what it means. You can't compare notes with your friends. You can't say, "I'm at 6 on a scale of 10, and when I reach 7 I'll tell him I love him."
There's a certain amount of truth to the saying, "If it's really love, you'll know it." That's almost the same as saying, "Don't push ahead until you're really sure." In the Song of Songs, the Bible's great love poem, one phrase is repeated three times: "I want you to promise, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right" (8:4, NLT). Translated into contemporary language, that means, "Don't get ahead of yourself. Take your time in the game of love."

 

[RiverOL]

Anxious and Confused about Dating

• 1. Why am I Dateless?
• 2. Looking for Love
• 3. I'm Afraid She'll Reject Me
• 4. Is Dating Wrong?
• 5. Is It OK to Date for Fun?

Why am I Dateless?
Question: I am 19, and I've never had a date. I don't know why. I get along well with guys. I have lots of friends, love sports, love to laugh and have fun. I'm a good listener and an all-around fun person. My friends can't wait for me to have my first boyfriend. Neither can I. Do you think God is holding back a man for me until I do something? What do I have to do? I see all my friends with boyfriend after boyfriend. I've become very jealous of those in relationships.
Answer: What you're feeling is natural, but I have to say it's off the mark. A boyfriend will not make you completely happy. I've seen way too many relationships to think that!
Another way your thinking is off target is your sense that God must be holding out on you. If God is willing to freely give his own Son to you, do you think he'd hold out on boyfriends? I'm not trying to convince you not to want a boyfriend. That would be pointless. God has designed us so that as we mature we begin to long for deep, caring and sexual relations with a member of the opposite sex. The fundamental longing is to be expressed in marriage. The way it translates into life at your age is a longing for boyfriends. It's hard to long for something your friends have and you don't. Even so, I want to urge you to try to keep your thoughts straight. The less you can focus your life on the magic of boyfriends, the better off you'll be.
A boyfriend will likely come along in time. The timing can be hard to explain. Some girls attract them like magnets, others don't. And I'm not exactly sure why. But trust me, in the long run timing and "magnetism" are no big deal.
Much more significant is whether, when a boyfriend comes along, you are able to form the kind of relationship that is deep and meaningful, that someday leads you to marry with a strong sense of commitment and purity. But you don't get ready for that by pining over the boys who don't call. You get ready for such relationships by developing into the right kind of woman—spiritually, socially, physically and mentally.
As much as you can, forget about boyfriends. Concentrate more on what is happening in your life right now. Live it as fully as you can, and try to let the boyfriends take care of themselves.

Looking for Love
Question: I am 17 years old and a senior in high school. I have never dated or had a boyfriend, and up until recently I've been thankful for that. But now I really want to find a meaningful, God-centered relationship. I think I'm spiritually and emotionally ready. But I wonder if anyone will ever want me. What do I do? Why do I feel this way?
Answer: Your last question is easy to answer. You feel this way because you're normal. God made us so that male and female would need each other and would feel this need strongly. Most people, by the time they reach 17, are very aware of this, and most people suffer some doubt about whether their longings will ever be fulfilled. That's especially true for you, not having had a boyfriend yet. But many people who've had lots of dates experience the same doubts. You want something you don't have, and it's very hard to know where it will come from.
Now for the harder question. What do you do? In one sense you don't do anything. You are not in charge of finding the person who will fill your longings. That's God's department. After all, you get to marry just one person out of the roughly 3 billion members of the opposite sex. Only God can sort through those kinds of odds.
You are in charge of something, though: yourself. God wants you to be a caring person, someone who doesn't spend all her time feeling sorry for herself, someone who has an active, useful life, someone who takes care of her body and her mind, someone who prays and draws closer to God's Spirit. I could add to the list, but I'm sure you get the idea. Such a person will be attractive to others—and in particular, attractive to the person who can meet her needs.
Timing is hard to figure. I've never been able to put my finger on the reason some girls attract guys by the handfuls, and others (who are just as pretty, just as wonderful) don't. It doesn't make sense. Nevertheless, in the long run I've seen that it works out. Sooner or later the guys get smart, and they find the girls they never noticed before.
You really can't control the timing. You can only control yourself. Make the most of your life right now. Try not to think too much about what's not happening, and focus on what is. And ask God for patience. Someday you'll look back and feel glad that he guided your life as he did.

I'm Afraid She'll Reject Me
Question: Girls don't seem to like me or want to go out with me. I don't know why, because I'm really a good guy. There's a girl I like in my youth group, but I'm afraid she might reject me, too. Should I ask her out?
Answer: Even though most of us want to love someone and to be loved back, we can be pretty picky about who that someone will be. Sometimes people judge each other on the outside appearances, rejecting anyone who doesn't quite fit the image of what's considered cool or attractive. It's unfair, and often cruel, but it seems to be a fact of life.
During high school, the focus on appearance and style is at its peak. But as you get older, you'll find that other qualities—like honesty, kindness and integrity—matter as much, if not more, than the externals. Often, people who were considered unpopular in high school go on to make more of their lives than the popular kids.
In the meantime, I hope you have friends and family who recognize what you already know, that you're "really a good guy." Having at least one caring friend can take some of the sting out of the rejection you feel.
So what should you do about the girl you like? I'd emphasize building a friendship. Talk to her. Listen to her. Let her know you like her as a friend. Allow her to see the quality person you are, and get to know what she's like, too. Your friendship may lead to romance, but let that happen slowly and naturally—if at all. So make friendship your goal.

Is Dating Wrong?
Question: My youth pastor said the idea of dating doesn't come from the Bible. He said it's something that was created by man, so that makes it "of the flesh." He also said God will give us the one we should marry, so we should wait until we find that "right one" to date. He said he doesn't want to see us get hurt. I have always believed in dating as long as God is in the relationship. Now I'm confused.
Answer: Join the crowd. When I look over the "dating" scene, I see confusion everywhere. I also see a lot of heartache. Many people experience dating that is superficial and destructive. For Christians it ought to be different. So some Christians (like your pastor) have decided dating is wrong. They think you should wait until you find the partner of your dreams and then "court" with a view to marriage. While I respect this view, I'm concerned that it doesn't provide much guidance for people who are too young to think about marriage, or who just haven't found someone they're ready to treat that seriously. Nevertheless, they're still attracted to the opposite sex.
What do they do if they've sworn off dating? Sometimes they get serious way too soon. They push into courtship because they believe there's no other alternative. For instance, I heard of a guy who didn't believe in dating. So he told a girl he wouldn't go out with her until she agreed she was ready to consider marriage. But how could she think about marrying him? She didn't even know him!

More often, people who don't date "hang out." They stay "just friends" and won't allow any romance in the picture. Does this improve matters? Not necessarily. In many cases, "not dating" works out to be even more confusing than dating.
I'd much rather that somebody propose a plan. Call it a date if you want, or call it something else. The word doesn't matter. People should have a purpose when they get together. I can think of three good ones for couples who are not courting:
1) They can have fun together. You can have fun with more than two people. So a "date" can and should often involve other people. But you have to plan to have fun! You have to decide on particular activities, instead of just "hanging out" and listening to each other ask, "What do you want to do?"

2) They can get to know each other. This means talking together and asking questions so they actually learn something. Or, it can mean taking up activities that reveal more about one or both of them. (For example, if one of you is a model airplane buff, you might want to go to a club meeting together.) The key question, which everyone should ask at the end of every date (or whatever you call it), is, "What have I learned?" If you're not sure, you need to work harder at planning a worthwhile time together.
3) They can serve together. This possibility, which dating couples seldom think of, can be fun and can help couples get to know each other. If you can't imagine ways to serve other people together, ask your pastor, or go to a volunteer center. There are a million and one ways.
Now let me come back to your pastor's words. You heard him say that dating was a human, not a biblical, idea, and therefore it must be "of the flesh." I'm not sure I agree with that line of thinking. Democracy is also a human, not a biblical, idea. Yet it's a very good one. Similarly, though on a lighter note, football, baseball and basketball are human inventions, not biblical ones. Even weddings are not a biblical idea—they were invented centuries after the Bible was written. Just because something isn't in the Bible doesn't make it wrong.

You also heard your pastor say God would give you the one you are to marry, so you should wait to date until that one appears. I agree that God will lead you to the right one, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't look around or make any effort to get to know the opposite sex. Your mind is one of the tools that God uses to show you his direction.
I do, though, have to agree with your pastor on one important point. Dating, the way it's practiced in the 21st century, causes way too much heartbreak and immorality. The way many people date is a mess. Like your pastor, I want to keep you from getting hurt. But I don't feel that the best way to do that is to give up on dating. Rather, I believe guys and girls need to get together in healthy, helpful ways. And I believe they can. You put it well when you said you believe in dating as long as "God is in the relationship." I believe that's possible. In fact, I know it is, because I've seen it.

Is it OK to Date for Fun?
Question: One of my Christian friends believes people shouldn't date until they're ready to get married. She thinks you should only date "the right one." Personally, I like dating. Is it OK to date just for fun?
Answer: Before I give you my opinion, I encourage you to talk about this issue with your parents. Their feelings should play a large role in the decisions you make about dating.
In my opinion, it's OK to date for fun. Along with being fun, I think dating can be very valuable. It gives you real-life experience with the opposite sex and opportunities to build healthy relationships. Hopefully, when you are ready to marry, your dating experiences will have given you the skills to develop a marriage based on love, trust and mutual respect.
Another school of thought, which your friend seems to be following, says dating should only happen as part of courtship. Courtship is dating with the intention of marriage. Two people "court" one another until they feel they know each other well enough to marry. This means teenagers don't date at all, because they're too young to seriously consider marriage.
I respect your friend's approach, but I feel a little differently. I think finding the "right one" usually comes through a lot of trial and error. If a couple can treat each other with real respect, can date in ways that get them talking to each other (not just going to movies and making out), and keep their sexual desires under control, then I think they are doing just what it takes to find the "right one."
Dating can be a good way for you to find out what kind of person will be the "right one." It's also an important way for you to learn how to become the "right one" for somebody else.

 

[RiverOL]

Dealing with Differences

• 1. Do Age Differences Matter?
• 2. Is Interracial Dating Wrong?
• 3. We Have Differing Views about Sex
• 4. We're Not on the Same Spiritual Level
• 5. He's Not a Christian
• 6. Is It OK to be Bisexual?

Do Age Differences Matter?
Question: Why is it so wrong to date someone when there's an age difference (say, seven years) if both of you are on the same intellectual and maturity level, and both devoted Christians? What about our parents and grandparents who had large age differences but were also married early? Why should it be unacceptable for our generation if we're in love?

Answer: I'd never say it's wrong or unacceptable. I'd just say it's usually unwise, for two reasons. First, it's easy to fool yourself. In reality, age differences usually (not always) go with differences in experience and maturity. When you're very different in age—say 14 and 21, to use the seven-year spread you suggest—there's almost always a subtle way in which one person dominates the other. Sometimes the older person "knows all about" what the younger person feels. Sometimes the older person has much higher expectations for commitment. Sometimes there are sexual expectations. In any case, they're really not coming together as equal partners. That makes for a lousy relationship in the long run.

The second reason is practical. Our society is different from the one our grandparents grew up in. Today, most women go to college and have careers. When there's an extreme difference in age, the life stages of the two partners don't fit well together. Just when one is ready to start college, the other is ready to settle down and start having children. When one is graduating from high school, the other is working nine to five. This creates many obstacles for the couple. It's not impossible to overcome them, but it's quite difficult.
That's why most adults discourage dating people a lot older or younger than you. Why start a relationship that is so likely to bring trouble?

Is Interracial Dating Wrong?
Question: What does the Bible say about interracial dating? I've heard people say the Bible says it's wrong, and then others say the Bible says it isn't. I have a crush on an African-American who is a Christian, but I'm not going to ask him out if the Bible says it is wrong.
Answer: The Bible doesn't say it's wrong. On the contrary, the Bible teaches that all people are descended from Adam and Eve—which means that racial differences are superficial, and we're all from one family. It also teaches that in the end all the races and ethnic groups of the world will be brought together as family under God's loving care. All racial hatred and prejudice will die out! You can read about this in Isaiah 11:1-9, Revelation 15:4, and many other places in the Bible. How could it be wrong to date someone with whom you will spend eternity? That's not to say that interracial dating is always wise. Interracial couples encounter all the troubles that other couples do, and then some. They face prejudice, and they sometimes have to deal with cultural differences that make it hard for them to understand each other. But if two people look at those difficulties clearly and prayerfully, there's no reason for them to stay apart.

Question: I've been dating a girl of a different race, and my parents don't agree with it. In fact, they don't know we're still together. We've been dating for a couple of months, and I really like her a lot. I think I love her, and she always tells me she loves me, too. My parents say I'm just dating her because I'm curious about her, and that she's with me so she can brag about it. I think they're wrong, but I don't know what to do. I know you're supposed to honor your parents, but what do you do when they want you to break up with someone for the wrong reasons? Plus, I really care about this girl, and I don't want to break up with her.

Answer: I couldn't tell from your letter whether your parents have given orders or merely advice. If they have given orders, then unfortunately, you should comply. Don't deceive your parents. Instead, obey them until you're old enough to be on your own. Don't worry. If this girl is really the one for you, she won't disappear in a puff of smoke. She'll still be in your world when you are an independent adult. If you're forbidden to date her, perhaps you can still maintain a friendship with her until you can date.
Advice is another matter. Parents often try to influence their children to make what they consider good decisions. Perhaps your parents are afraid that a girl from a very different background than yours won't make a good marriage partner. It's true that interracial relationships face special difficulties because of the partners' different cultures and the attitudes of people around them. Most parents of any race will feel concern for that. If your parents are giving advice, honor them by taking it seriously, by listening and by calmly explaining your point of view. If they see a level-headed, thoughtful response from you and your girlfriend, they may reconsider.

Again, if your parents are simply giving advice, you don't have to agree with them or take the advice, but you do need to listen respectfully. Try to see whether you can understand and answer their concerns. If you believe your parents are rejecting your girlfriend based on stereotypes about interracial relationships, respectfully tell them so. Tell them about some of the good qualities you and your girlfriend see in one another, and share some of the ways you've grown in this relationship. The back-and-forth of dialogue may help you find a solution that gives them more security, while still leaving you free to date her.

For example, has your girlfriend come to dinner at your house? Have your parents and hers had the chance to meet? If your parents got to know her and her family, they might see the same good qualities you do.
Question: I've been pretty close to taking a few girls out on dates, only to have them back out with some lame excuse. I recently found out some of them backed out because I'm Korean. Why are they afraid of my being Korean? It really bothers me and I don't know what to do. I know a girlfriend isn't the most important thing in life, but I think it would be nice. Why won't God let things work out?

Answer: I wouldn't blame God for it. The Bible makes it clear that in Christ, there are no distinctions between people of different races and ethnicities (Galatians 3:28). God is the Father of us all. Through Jesus, he gave his life for us all. As God's children, we ought to have no place for discrimination.
Unfortunately, people don't always get that. People often fear anyone who is different. Prejudice crops up everywhere. It's ugly and hateful to God, and I'm so sorry you've experienced it.

If you get a chance to speak out against prejudice, do so. Even if you don't change anybody's behavior by your words, your protest becomes a strong statement against evil. It will wear on people's conscience. In time, you can help change people's attitudes.
At the same time, don't let some people's prejudice take over your life. Yes, some people are prejudiced, but not all. Other girls won't care about your ethnicity; they'll care about your personality. Even when there's no ethnic prejudice involved, finding a boyfriend or a girlfriend can be difficult. People write me all the time with that news! You have to persist until you find the right one. After all, you don't really want to go out with a prejudiced person. You want to find someone who will appreciate you for who you are. Such a person is worth waiting for.

We have Differing Views about Sex
Question: I lost my virginity three years ago, when I was 14. I haven't had sex since, and I know I've been forgiven. I'm currently seeing a guy and we have very different views on what sexual sin really is. He's a virgin, and he thinks that as long as we don't have sex, then kissing, touching and fondling is OK. But ever since I lost my virginity, I've feared falling again. I feel guilty even kissing a guy, because I know that's where the problems began for me before.
We're both Christians, and I've tried to explain my point of view without telling him I'm not a virgin. (I would rather not tell him right now.) He doesn't seem to hear anything I say. He tempts me a lot, and I sometimes feel like he's bringing me down rather than lifting me up. He thinks I'm closed-minded and that I'm not facing reality. I think he hasn't walked on the road I've traveled. What can I tell him to help him understand?

Answer: I think you're right: You have been sobered by experience, and your boyfriend has not. Still, even if you were to explain what you have been through, it might not change his outlook.
Here's something you can and should tell him, though. It's always wrong to try to badger somebody into doing what they're not comfortable doing. What could be his motive, other than selfishness and lust? If he cares about you, he should respect your conscience and your boundaries.

Although 1 Corinthians 8:9 was written about a different issue, it provides an important principle: Whenever two people have different standards about what's appropriate, the one with the more tender sense of conscience should have her way without any argument at all.
It sounds like you're still recovering from what happened three years ago. For you, I think the best way to get over lingering guilt is to learn what a healthy relationship is like. If your boyfriend doesn't respect your conscience, you'll need to leave the relationship. You'll never get over your fears if you stay with somebody who pressures you. In the right relationship, with the right person, exaggerated fears will wither up and blow away.

We’re Not on the Same Spiritual Level
Question: I am crazy about this girl in my youth group. The problem is we aren't on the same spiritual level. My thirst to know God is greater than hers, and I'm afraid it might cause problems for the relationship. What do you think I should do?
Answer: Your concern is good, but let me say it's not always easy to read a person's spiritual level. Different personalities express themselves in different ways. Sometimes people who seem less concerned to follow God possess a very deep and private faith. Others who seem on fire may turn out to be shallow.

Even so, you'd be wise to take it slow—especially if there are things in her life that could drag you down. Does she have behaviors that keep her from growing closer to God? Does she have habits that are harmful to her? Does she, for instance, have an attitude toward sex that could lead her—and you—to make some bad decisions? If so, then I would encourage you to simply build a friendship and not a romance. She doesn't need you out of her life. She just needs you to be a solid friend, and not a boyfriend. And for now, that might be all you need from this relationship, too.

Still, I assume you like her for more than just looks. Something about her attracts you—and perhaps you can't even define exactly what. I'd explore that further, but again, take it slow. Keep checking the spiritual pulse of your relationship. You can't control anyone else's spiritual life, but you do want to make sure she's not leading you away from God. In time, you'll see whether you're spiritually and personally good for each other.

He's Not a Christian
Question: I'm 15 years old. I have been a Christian my whole life, and I have always been dedicated to the Lord. At the beginning of this school year I met a 16-year-old guy in my gym class. He takes school very seriously, tries hard to get good grades, is completely in charge of a pretty big volunteer project at my school, and is nice to everyone.
I like this guy, and it is pretty obvious that he likes me too. However, he told me he goes out and gets drunk every weekend. And he's not a Christian. But he totally respects me being one, and even asks me about what I do at church.
There is a huge possibility we could go out someday. Please tell me what I should do—if I should even be hanging out with this guy. I love the movie A Walk to Remember, and I have had dreams of that story becoming real in my life between this guy and me. I know this isn't the way things work out in real life, but I don't know what to do. I really like him, and I've been praying for a long time that God would make something happen between us.

Answer: You're right, we shouldn't base our important life decisions on what we see in the movies. And while it may be fun to dream, you need to deal with reality.
Trust me, this guy may seem like your dream guy, but someone who gets drunk every weekend will quickly become your nightmare. Alcohol abuse is something you shouldn't ignore. That alone makes this guy off-limits.

Besides that, you're a Christian. Again, life isn't a movie. Dating someone who isn't a committed Christian is simply asking for trouble. Here's my advice: If he asks you on a date, tell him no, but then invite him to your next youth group activity. If he wants an explanation, you can say that your relationship to God means a lot to you.
If your friend is open, introduce him to your pastor or a youth leader who can invest time in him. If he's not open, then forget him.
Given what this guy has told you about his life, he doesn't seem likely to be good for you and your relationship with God. You can tell him that—or write it in a note, if saying it is too hard.

Don't be afraid to share your concerns about this guy and all your relationships with God. He can make your romantic dreams come true, if you trust him.
Question: I've been dating my boyfriend for about eight months. We've gone pretty far, but never all the way. We hope to get married in a few years. A few days ago, some of the topics my small group talked about made me start thinking that my boyfriend and I should probably slow down a little bit. The problem is, my boyfriend isn't a Christian. He seems interested in God, though—I guess I'd call him a "seeker." He respects me and my decision not to have sex, but I don't think he really understands that I made that decision out of my Christian beliefs. How do I explain that to him?

Answer: If you read 2 Corinthians 6:14-17, you'll find absolutely clear warnings not to be "yoked together with unbelievers." The image is very striking. A yoke was a curved wooden bar used to harness two animals side by side, to pull a plow or a wagon. It only works if the two animals have similar outlooks. If you try to yoke animals who each want to go a different direction, they will pull against each other, and nothing good will be accomplished.

That's you, if you're planning marriage with a non-Christian. You have different outlooks, hopes, ideals and beliefs. Your standards don't match. That's what you're discovering about sex. Your boyfriend may go along with your decisions, but he doesn't really agree with them. You're pulling in different directions. Those differences will only grow stronger as your relationship gets more advanced and you face more intimate decisions about how to live your lives together.

I don't see how you can explain your Christian beliefs about sex. Your boyfriend surely knows that you aren't completely serious about following your faith. He's seen you compromise what you believe. Until you put God first, your boyfriend probably won't understand your faith.
Unfortunately, the problems you are experiencing are one of the very real reasons I believe committed Christians should only date other committed Christians. As difficult as it will be for both of you, I don't see any way around the fact that you need to break up.

Is it OK to be bisexual?
Question: For a while now, I've been wondering if I'm bisexual. I feel sexually attracted to both girls and guys. I was wondering: Is it OK to be bisexual? My pastor says it's not OK to be gay or lesbian because you can't have kids and God didn't intend for us to be that way. But if I'm bisexual, I can still marry a man and have kids with him, right? Doesn't that make it OK?
Answer: Many people today are fascinated about the whole issue of sexual identity, spending a lot of time wondering if they're heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. I don't think that's a healthy fascination, and I wouldn't recommend labeling yourself or anyone else too quickly. Sexual feelings often float freely, especially when you are young. Lots of people feel attracted to both sexes, at least for a short period of their lives. But feelings are not destiny. Having bisexual feelings does not make you a bisexual. It just makes you a person who, right now, is attracted to both sexes, and has to figure out how to deal with that.
The Bible doesn't condemn people for their sexual attractions. What's wrong, the Bible says, is "exchanging natural relations for unnatural ones" (Romans 1:26, NIV). God designed men and women to marry each other and have children together. It's how God wanted people to express their sexuality.
If you put the stress on behavior, not attraction, you won't have any trouble seeing what God wants for you. A woman who's attracted to both sexes might find it difficult to marry and be faithful to the man she married. But difficult is not the same as impossible. We are all in control of our behavior. If God calls you to marry, you can choose to be faithful.
For those who feel only homosexual attraction, following God's way is more difficult. But there is hope. I know several homosexually-oriented people whom God enabled, through a gradual and patient process of discipleship, to develop a healthy attraction to the opposite sex and relationships that led to marriage. Because of how I've seen God work in their lives, I would never say that homosexuals cannot hope to change or to have loving, healthy marriages to people of the opposite sex. However, it can be very difficult.
Your feelings aren't right or wrong. They just are. You can't help them, any more than you can help liking or disliking certain cars, clothes or movies. What you do with those feelings is something different. When it comes to acting on our feelings, right and wrong apply.
God offers us wonderful and fulfilling lives, but not necessarily easy lives. For this reason, it's important to have wise, caring people involved to counsel you and pray for you. I'd encourage you to seek out a Christian counselor who can help you sort out both your feelings and your behavior.

 

[RiverOL]

Relationship Survival

• 1. Can Our Love Survive the Distance?
• 2. Should We Keep in Touch?
• 3. Can Our Love Last?
• 4. She's Too Busy for Me
• 5. How Can We Get Back on Track?
• 6. Should I Ask Her Out Again?
• 7. Is He Using Me?
• 8. I Want Him Back

Can Our Love Survive the Distance?
Question: I recently went on a missions trip and I met a wonderful guy. We feel like we're in love. But we live several states from each other, so I haven't seen him since our missions trip. I thought my feelings might fade when I got back home, but I think more and more about him every day. And he says the same thing.
When we were together, God was very much a part of our relationship. Can God keep us together even though we're apart?

Answer: When you're hundreds of miles away from someone you care about, the difference between a friendship and a romance is all about feelings. You miss a long-distance friend, but you really miss a long-distance love. It feels a little crazy to fall in love with someone who lives half a country away. It's extremely inconvenient. I know this because I lived 2,000 miles away from my wife before we were married. You're bound to feel frustrated. You have these feelings for each other, and you have to decide what to do with them. My advice is to be realistic.

You said you expected your feelings to fade away once you two were apart. You know that without the chance to see each other on a regular basis, those intense feelings die out. Somebody else comes along and makes you forget the guy who's miles away from you.
Although that hasn't happened yet, it still may. Yes, God can keep you together if he wants to, despite the distance. But that's his job, not yours. You're wise to just enjoy the relationship a day at a time, keep it going for as long as you like, and let it dwindle away if your feelings change.

In the meantime, you have a friend you like and admire. That's a precious gift. Try not to attach too many strings to the relationship. You don't need to vow that you won't look at anybody else, or try to decide now whether God has meant you to be together forever.
Instead, strengthen the bond you do have. E-mail, call and text each other. Share your lives with each other. Pray for each other. Make the most of this friendship with someone you care for deeply. And let the future take care of itself.

Should We Keep In Touch?
Question: I'm a recent high school graduate, about to enter a 10-month discipleship program. I'll travel a lot and need to be totally focused on God, so I'm not allowed to date. But there's a guy I'm interested in, and we think we might get married some day. He wants me to stay in touch, and I'm allowed to do that through letters. He says he'll wait for me, and I believe him. But friends say I should forget about him for the next 10 months. What should I do?
Answer: By all means, keep in touch with him.

I can't think of anything better than to have someone to write while you go through these 10 months. Writing will allow you to articulate what you're learning and doing. And it can be a great source of growth between the two of you.
Given that you both want to write, it's a good idea to say, right from the beginning, that 10 months is a long time and feelings can change. You may meet someone in your program who changes your perspective.

He may meet someone at home who changes his. I'd encourage you to acknowledge this to each other, and make a commitment not to feel guilty or hesitant in other relationships. If your relationship has staying power, it can handle a little competition! Let's say that during this time you realize you're interested in someone else, or that the spark has gone out of your relationship. I don't see this as a bad outcome—it'll show you that you probably weren't meant for each other.
When you write, tell him what you're doing, who you're meeting, what you're learning. Describe people, places, activities. Just talking about your relationship will get old in a hurry. But if you write about substantial things, you'll come to know and understand each other better.

Can Our Love Last?
Question: I am a 17-year-old girl, and I've been going out with a 13-year-old boy from my youth group. Just recently he moved a couple of states away, and I really miss him. We are trying to keep our relationship going, but it's hard. I used to talk to him every day, and now I hardly ever talk to him. I've only seen him once since he moved away almost two months ago. My parents and friends say I should give him up because he's too young to understand what love is. I know I love him, but what are the odds that this will last? Is he really too young for me?

Answer: You want to know odds? I'd say they're pretty slim. Given your ages, given the distance, I wouldn't count on your relationship lasting much longer. Very few long-distance romances persevere. And do you realize that when you're graduating from college and starting a career, he'll just be finishing high school?
And yet, what are the odds that any relationship will last? Not very good, and yet some do. That's why we keep trying.
While it's unlikely you and your boyfriend will stay together, I wouldn't say it's impossible. And I wouldn't encourage you to write him off. He's your friend, isn't he? I don't think the important question is, "What are the odds?" What you need to know is how to act. Here's what I'd recommend:

1) Don't act like your life is over because he's moved away. On the contrary, even though you miss your boyfriend, get involved with other people whom you can see and talk to often. Don't sit at home and mope. If this boy is the one for you, God will bring you back together. In the meantime, you need to have a life.
2) Stay friends with your boyfriend. He's an important person who's moved away. Keep in touch as much as you can and as much as you both want to—by writing letters or e-mails, by talking when you can (but don't run up ridiculously high phone bills), by seeing each other when opportunities present themselves. Friendships often fade when you're separated, but they don't have to.

3) Trust in God. He knows your future. It's really not up to you to decide right now whether this guy is the right one for you. Just wait and see what happens. If your life is in good shape physically, emotionally and spiritually, whatever happens will be good, because God is good. In your daily prayers, entrust your boyfriend to God's care.
4) Don't put any limits on each other. Don't let jealousy or premature commitments keep one or the other of you from dating other people. As I said, if you're really meant to be together, you will be. Dating other people would only confirm to you both that you want to be together.

She's Too Busy for Me
Question: I've been going out with this girl for nearly eight months, and we're very much in love. The only catch is, we live in different states, and our parents won't let us make trips alone to see each other. This means I see her about every six weeks. In addition to that, she's a cheerleader and is taking a lot of hard classes this year. I'm not involved in any sports right now, so I have a lot of free time. It seems like she could at least set aside a little time to talk to me. But when I mention it, we always end up nearly breaking up. Can you please give me some advice?

Answer: My advice is that you accept her the way she is. Evidently she has a strong sense of duty and priorities—and that's good. The problem is, you're not high on the list right now. You can fuss about it, or you can accept it. I'd recommend accepting it.

Then ask yourself, "What can I give her while we're in this period?" You certainly can't give her your company. Apparently you can't give her long conversations on the phone. Maybe, though, you can offer something she can appreciate without feeling like she has to sacrifice her priorities. Maybe you can write her letters or send her e-mail. Maybe you can draw her pictures, send her photos, make her little gifts. Maybe you can send her a daily note—with no strings attached. If you're creative, you can probably think of other ways to give a little bit of yourself.
I know this isn't what you had in mind. You want to be higher on her priority list. You want her to give something back! Right now, however, that doesn't seem possible. Nobody would blame you if you went looking for another girlfriend. If you really love her, though, you're going to have to just make the most of it.

How Can We Get Back on Track?
Question: My boyfriend and I decided a month ago that things were getting too physical, and we had to stop doing everything except hugging goodbye. It ended up making things really weird between us, though. Now he's decided we need a "break" until everything cools down. I have a feeling, though, it'll be more than just a break. But if we do get back together, what can we do to make things right?

Answer: It sounds like you and your boyfriend made a very mature decision. You saw where your relationship was headed, and decided to make a change. I also think your boyfriend has good reasons for wanting to take a break. This time apart may lead you to reevaluate whether you want to be together, but that's healthy. As for things feeling rather odd and even uncomfortable right now, I never knew a relationship that didn't have some weird feelings along the way. It's natural to feel strange when you're trying a new way of relating to each other.

If and when you decide to start up your relationship again, keep the same spirit. The goal isn't to feel comfortable. Comfort comes with time—anything new feels strange at first. The goal is a healthy relationship. Get to know each other's thoughts and feelings, spend time with each other's friends.
It's almost like starting out with someone you don't know. Take it slow! And find some trusted Christian friends you can ask to pray with you and hold you accountable in your dating relationship. With their support, you'll be less likely to give in to temptation.

Should I Ask Her Out Again?
Question: I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago, but I think I'm starting to like her again. I've been praying about whether or not I should ask her out, but I'm not sure I should. I don't think it's fair to ask her out again if we'll only break up soon. I don't want to use her or to play with her heart. How can I figure out if I made a mistake breaking up with her, or if I'm just lonely or selfish?
Answer: You have a great attitude. So many people think only of their own feelings, but you're concerned about your girlfriend's heart. You're right to worry.

Dating is not a game. The Song of Songs, which celebrates love, also warns lovers to be careful and "not to awaken or excite my feelings of love until it is ready" (3:5, NCV).
How can you know whether to try again? I'd give yourself another month, to see whether your feelings change. During that month, spend time with friends, both male and female. Maybe the company of others will help you feel less lonely.
If after that you still have feelings for your old girlfriend, ask her out. First talk to her, though, and tell her honestly of your doubts and fears. You owe her that. But if you still really care for her, it's OK to give the relationship another chance.

Is He Using Me?
Question: After dating for two years, my boyfriend and I agreed God wanted us to break up and get right with him before we continued our relationship. At first we continued to see each other despite our decision. But eventually he told me we needed to really be apart. He also told me he wasn't sure if he truly loved me for me, or just loved the fact that I was there and knew everything about him already. That hurt me a lot.

I thought I was getting over him, but a few weeks ago he called me and said he wanted to talk about "us." I wanted him to come back to me, but now I don't know. I wonder if he's just using me because he's lonely and can't find anyone else. What do you think I should tell him?
Answer: It sounds to me as though you're quite fearful of the unknown. (Who isn't?) You liked the security of your relationship and when it ended, you found it shattering. Then you got comfortable without him, and now you're not sure you want to leave that for more unknowns.

Life is full of unknowns, though, and the only real security is God. I don't think you'll be able to settle down in peace unless you explore what your ex-boyfriend wants. Your questions are good. Is he just lonely? Is he using you? Ask him. And if you start dating again, go slow. Start at the beginning of the relationship. Don't try to jump in where you left off—because you're not there any more.
It's going to feel insecure, but take a chance and talk to him. Ask God to give you wisdom, and he certainly will (James 1:5).

I Want Him Back
Question: I got into a serious relationship when I was 15. My boyfriend and I always went to church together. I totally fell in love with the guy.
We broke up two years later, during his senior year and my junior year. I felt like we broke things off without really knowing where to go from there and drifted apart.
A couple of weeks ago, we started chatting again online. I am a senior now, and even though I wouldn't want to rush into anything with him, I honestly think we could have a future together. Sometimes I picture us together in 10 years, married with children.

What does all of this mean? I think God is putting these thoughts in my mind, but I don't know how to interpret them. I'm wondering: How do I get my ex-boyfriend back? Should I even try? We broke up a year ago, but my feelings are as strong as ever. Will I ever know his?
Answer: It's impossible for me—or anyone—to say whether you and your ex-boyfriend are meant to be together. One thing I can say for sure, though: You are thinking way too much. In your dreams you're settled down with children, while in reality you aren't even currently close friends with the guy. These fantasies won't help you build a solid relationship. In fact, they're probably distracting you from reality.

My advice is to stop thinking and start moving. Tell him how you feel. Ask him whether he's ready to try again. If he is, then you can see where it leads—one step at a time. If not, your question is answered, and you can begin to move on, for good.
My guess is that if you start going out again, you'll soon remember why you broke up the first time. It's easy to attach your longings for love to a fantasy figure you never see. The real-life person can bring you down to earth.
But to really know, you'll have to make contact.

 

[RiverOL]

Social Pressures & Internet Temptations

• 1. I Don't Want to have Sex
• 2. I'm Afraid I won't Wait to have Sex
• 3. Serious Without Sex?
• 4. Why is Cybersex Wrong?
• 5. Trapped by Cybersex
• 6. My Brother's into Internet Porn

I Don't Want To Have Sex
Question: My prom is coming up soon and a lot of my friends have told me this is the time to lose my virginity. In fact, some of the guys I know are already making hotel reservations. I don't understand why they think it's important to lose their virginity now. Still, I don't know what to say when they talk about it. How can I answer my friends when they ask why I won't be going along with their plans for the evening?

Answer: The simplest answer is: "I have other plans." If your friends want to know what those plans are, say you plan to give yourself on your wedding night to the person you'll love forever.

Virginity isn't something to "lose." It's something to give. Don't give the most intimate act of love to someone who won't be with you for the rest of your life. And don't believe that "everybody's doing it." Several surveys suggest that at least half of the students in your high school aren't doing it.
Deep inside, your friends may already know it's not important to lose your virginity now. In fact, maybe you should ask them why they think you should have sex. It may be they'd feel better if everybody lived the way they've chosen to. Then they wouldn't have to worry they'd missed out on the best. I think every promiscuous person harbors a secret fear that sex is meant to be more meaningful than fun and games on prom night.

I'm Afraid I Won't Wait to Have Sex
Question: For several years now, I've kept my pledge to save myself for marriage. But a lot of people I respect—like my mom, my sister and a lot of my friends—think it's stupid to save myself for marriage. No one thinks I'm going to be able to follow through on my commitment. They say it's just not normal to wait until you're married to have sex. I want to prove my family wrong, but I'm also afraid they'll be right in the end. What should I do?

Answer: I'm proud of you for setting a direction you know is right. It's difficult when you aren't around people who support you. Some people will scoff at your pledge because they find it threatening. They've messed up, and they want to think that everybody else does the same. It's a strange way to prop up your self-image, but lots of people do it.

They're wrong, though. You can follow through on your commitment. In fact, for most of history, people considered your approach the natural one. They thought those who didn't save themselves for marriage were the ones who were strange.
"Normal" depends on who your friends are. I would strongly recommend you go looking for some new friends. Keep your old friends, and continue to love your family. But do find some other adults, like your youth pastor or a godly person at your church, who will encourage you to stick with your commitment. You badly need a peer group that understands and shares your beliefs. Look for a Christian group with a serious commitment. Check out churches and fellowships until you find a place where you're supported and strengthened.

Serious Without Sex?
Question: I've never been in a serious romantic relationship. I'm afraid to get into one for several reasons. My biggest fear is that I'll end up having sex, and I've already decided I want to save that for marriage. Is it possible to have a strong relationship without going to that level?

Answer: Yes, you can definitely be in a romantic relationship without having sex. Lots of people are. But you'll need help. You have to look for people who will stand by your side.

First, you should only date someone who shares your commitment. If this person isn't serious about saving sex for marriage, you'll never make it. The pressure will be too great.
Second, you need to find a supportive community. I hope you're involved in a church or youth group that believes as you do. This group will encourage you to follow through on your commitment. If you're not connected with people like this, I encourage you to get connected right away—whether or not you're in a relationship.
Third, you need at least one prayer partner. Find someone who will meet with you regularly to encourage you, pray for you, and hold you accountable. Choose a person you respect for their wisdom. You'll probably want to choose someone who is older than you—and someone who will confront you if necessary.
It's never been easy to form a God-honoring romantic relationship with a member of the opposite sex. But these principles lead to solid, loving, lasting marriages. I know many people who made the choices I'm encouraging you to make, and they all say that it was worth it. With the right support, you'll be able to say the same thing.

Why Is Cybersex Wrong?
Question: I am a 15-year-old girl, and I recently became a Christian. A couple of days ago I was asked to have cybersex, and all I could think to do was tell the person about God. I think I might have really helped him. Now I'm wondering if there are any verses from the Bible that could help me out when I'm telling other people cybersex is wrong?

Answer: As you can probably guess, there aren't any verses that deal precisely with cybersex. After all, the Bible was written long before computers. Nevertheless, I think the Bible says a lot about cybersex.

To me, cybersex seems very much on the same level as pornography. It plays with sex in a casual, careless context that inevitably degrades the people involved. That goes against the whole spirit of the Bible, which treats sex as a powerful, mysterious connection of two people who bring their bodies and souls together in a permanent bond. God created sex to be intimate and committed. The only place it can be this way is within marriage. Cybersex is at the opposite extreme, so casual that it's only done in a virtual, unreal world.

When talking to others, I'd recommend Ephesians 4:29: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up." Paul continues this encouragement in Ephesians 5:3-4: "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving." If that doesn't eliminate cybersex, what will?
I would, however, encourage you to use extreme caution in communicating with anyone who wants to have cybersex. There's a very good chance they aren't teenagers, but older men. Be sure you never give them your real name or any information that could enable them to find out who you are and where you live.

Trapped by Cybersex
Question: A few months ago, I started going into online chat rooms and got involved with cybersex. I was feeling lonely, and this seemed like a solution. But now I feel trapped. I know this is wrong, and I've tried to stop, but every time I feel depressed or overwhelmed, I go back to it. My youth leader keeps me accountable, but I just keep falling. I feel uneasy and guilty when I talk to God. I know he's forgiven me, but I feel stuck. How can I stop this?

Answer: I'm glad you have been working with your youth leader to help you keep accountable, assuming your relationship really involves accountability. To me, accountability means that your leader prays with you, asks you tough questions on a regular basis and expects you to be honest. If that type of accountability is taking place, then your next step should be removing your access to chat rooms and cybersex. Your strategy should be to make it difficult for you to get into chat rooms. Of course, you can override any obstacles you put up. But these strategies can help you strengthen your willpower:

1) Get a filter. Some filters specifically block access to chat rooms. Some block access to pornography. Check out your options by searching online. You may also want to find software that your parents or a friend can install. That person can keep the password, so you won't be able to bypass the controls when you're tempted.
2) Put your computer out in the open. At home, move it out of your bedroom and into the living room (or wherever your parents will let you keep it). The point is that most people won't do cybersex if other people are around to watch.

3) If you find you still keep using the computer (or mobile device) for chat rooms or cybersex, get rid of your Internet connection. That's right, pull the plug. If you need to use the Internet for school, go to the library or a friend's house.
You can win this battle: "But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it" (1 Corinthians 10:13, NLT). Granted, temptation doesn't always feel bearable! Yet the Scripture is true—you can stand up. Don't give up. Fight it.

My Brother's into Internet Porn

Question: I was checking the Internet history on my computer, and I discovered that my older brother, who is 16, has been looking at hard-core porn. Around people, he portrays himself as a strong Christian. He even took a mission trip recently, calling it "a wonderful Christian experience." I feel like I can't tell my parents, and my brother would get furious at me if he knew. What should I do?

Answer: Don't let fear of your brother's reaction keep you from acting. Talk directly to him. Encourage him to talk to an older person who can help and encourage him—perhaps a pastor or a youth leader at your church. I doubt that your brother is a phony Christian, as you seem to suspect. He's just a struggling Christian, caught in a terrible compulsion that many Christian guys struggle with. Pornography can be an addiction like gambling or alcohol. The person involved doesn't feel he can control himself. I bet your brother feels immense guilt and shame. He needs help, not accusations.

Say something like this: "When I checked my computer history, I saw all kinds of porn sites. I couldn't help thinking it was you, and I wondered if you have somebody you can turn to for advice and help."
Hopefully, your brother will respond positively. If he doesn't, don't get into an argument. Just tell him that the next time your computer gets used for porn, you'll have to tell your parents about it.

 

[RiverOL]

Talking about Sex

• 1. When Do We Talk About Sex?
• 2. How Do I Get Her Back?
• 3. Should I Tell Him about My Past?
• 4. Troubled by my Boyfriend's Past
• 5. Should I Keep Sex a Secret

When Do We Talk About Sex?
Question: I'm committed to saving myself for marriage. My question: When is it appropriate to tell this to someone you're dating? I know it's important to be clear about your standards and values, but it just seems weird to blurt out on your first or second date: "I'm not planning on sleeping with you unless we're married!"
Answer: I agree with you. That would be weird. To tell the truth, though, discussing your standards and values can seem weird at any time. It's not necessarily easy, but it needs to be done.
You can reduce the weirdness considerably by dating people who are serious about their Christian faith. Then you have a good chance of sharing the same values. That makes it easier.

You don't need to have this discussion on your first or second date, but I think you need to have it before you get physically involved. If and when you start kissing, showing physical affection and feeling physical attraction, it's time to talk. Both of you should share your values and agree on some ground rules on what you will and will not do together. This conversation should take place in a public place, like a park or a coffee house, where you won't get interrupted and where you won't be touching each other.
Your discussion will help you to find out if the two of you have different values. If you find that you're not on the same page about waiting for sex or setting limits on your physical relationship, you'd be better off not dating. No relationship can be healthy and happy when two people can't agree on such basic issues.

How Do I Get Her Back?
Question: About six months ago, I met a girl I really like. We went out every now and then, and I'd really like her to be my girlfriend. But we started talking about sex and what it would be like to have sex, and she told me that she's started to feel guilty. She doesn't want to go out with me anymore, because she said talking to me has caused her to have a lot of lustful thoughts. I don't know what to do, because I really like her. I wasn't planning to have sex with her, but I feel like she doesn't understand that. It's almost like she can't hear me. What should I do?

Answer: You talked about sex in a way that wasn't healthy or appropriate for a dating relationship. Maybe you honestly thought that what you did was innocent, but it wasn't. Basically, it's like verbal pornography and does affect your mind. I understand why this girl felt guilty. It shows she takes this kind of sex talk seriously and values purity. She knows what she wants, and together, the two of you weren't heading there.
I think your only chance with her is to demonstrate that you get what she's talking about. But don't just demonstrate it, really work at understanding it. Pray about it. Why did you want to talk about sex like you did? What did it do to your thoughts?

How'd it change the way you thought about her? Or looked at her?
After you've had some time to think things over, maybe you can write her a letter and explain what went wrong and why you regret it. Tell her you realize you weren't good for her, or good for yourself. If you feel like you are ready for a God-honoring relationship, tell her you hope she can give you another chance—if not now, then maybe someday. Then try to live in such a way that she can see a change.

I have one more extremely important piece of advice for you. I encourage you to develop different patterns of thinking and talking—patterns that are God honoring and healthy. Along with making sure you're involved in good Christian friendships that are Christ-centered, I would also challenge you to begin reading and memorizing Scripture that will help you make some essential changes. Here is a good one to start with:
"Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. Don't allow love to turn into lust, setting off a downhill slide into sexual promiscuity, filthy practices…Don't talk dirty or silly. That kind of talk doesn't fit our style. Thanksgiving is our dialect" (Ephesians 5:2-4, The Message).

Should I Tell Him About My Past?
Question: Although I've never had sex, several years ago I did some things I shouldn't have. I know God has forgiven me. Recently, however, I started dating a guy I'm totally in love with. Soon after we got together he asked if I was a virgin, and I said yes. But I feel like I'm deceiving him. I'm not proud of what I did. I want that kind of behavior to stay in the past! Yet I wonder if I would be better off telling him about it, or if I should just assume that "what he doesn't know won't hurt him."
Answer: I'm not a big fan of "true confessions" early in a relationship. I think sex is a very personal matter, and a strong sense of privacy is needed. So I don't think you are deceiving your boyfriend at all. Someday you may want to tell him more about your past mistakes, but right now, leave your skeletons in the closet where they won't scare anybody. You've repented. You've experienced God's forgiveness. You've been cleansed. What, then, does it have to do with your relationship with this guy now?

Troubled by My Boyfriend's Past
Question: I recently found out my boyfriend of nine weeks slept with his last girlfriend. He never told me about this, and I want to ask him about it. I feel like I have the right to know. He knows I want to remain a virgin until I marry, and he respects me for that. I just want to know how he feels about what he did. I care a lot about him and wouldn't let this affect our relationship, because everyone makes mistakes. Do you think I should bring it up or wait until he says something? When this topic does come up, what should I say?

Answer: Very few people, when they get sexually involved, think about how they're going to like telling someone about it months or years later—someone whom they really love. Sexual experiences don't ever go away totally. They live on, like ghosts, in all future relationships, and can do real damage there.
Since you've only been together for nine weeks, your boyfriend may feel this subject is too personal to share with you. In most cases I would tend to agree. I don't think people should share their sexual histories until they are very, very serious. But since you already know what happened in his last relationship (or think you do), you should ask him. Otherwise it's bound to affect your feelings for him. You need to clear the air.

You should talk face to face, at a time when you won't be interrupted. I wouldn't do it on a date, because the emotions of such a conversation can be overwhelming. Arrange a time when you can meet together at a restaurant or coffee shop to talk about something important. Then when you get together, just say, "I need to talk to you about your relationship with your ex-girlfriend. I hate to bring this up to you, but it's really bothering me. I've heard that you had sex with her. I want to know if that's true, and how you feel about it now."

You say you'll continue your relationship no matter how he responds, but I wouldn't be so sure. If he blows you off, if he acts insensitive, if he lacks any regret, then I think you will inevitably lose respect for him. Once that happens your relationship is all but over. I say this because I want to prepare you: this is a serious talk. And he should treat it as a serious talk, too. His attitude toward sex, relationships and God's Word is extremely critical. If you can't agree about sex, your relationship doesn't have a promising future.

Should I Keep Sex a Secret?
Question: Not long ago, I had sex with my boyfriend. I know that it was a sin, and I feel disappointed in myself. I grew up in church and have been a Christian for a long time. I've only told one friend, and have hidden it from my parents and everyone else. I don't want other people (like the people in youth group) to know what I've done because they look up to me, and I'm afraid knowing will turn them away from God or cause them to look down on me. I don't want my parents to be disappointed in me. Should I still keep what I did a secret? I've forgiven myself and I know that I won't have sex again until I'm married. I know I'll need to tell whoever I end up marrying. But do I need to tell anyone else?

Answer: The Bible says to "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed" (James 5:16, NLT). When you've messed up, sin damages your spirit. Confession and prayer are part of the healing process. You need to confess, but only to people who will listen and pray. That's one person, or a select handful. It's not everybody. Making it public won't help you or your boyfriend heal. Your youth group doesn't need to know. You need the cleansing experience of confessing to somebody who can express God's forgiveness to you. You also need somebody to hold you accountable. You say, "I know I won't have sex again." How do you know? Having sex lowers your personal barriers. You have become much more vulnerable. Truthfully, you need all the help you can get.

Talking to a friend your age is not enough. You need to speak with an adult who cares about you. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your parents right away, I would urge you to approach somebody older, like your youth pastor or a wise older woman from your church. This person should be someone who will keep your confidentiality and someone you trust to show wisdom and sensitivity to you. Ask whether you can meet regularly for prayer and accountability. As you move forward, perhaps this person can help you talk to your parents about what happened—and you can tell them about the changes you've made so that you won't make the same mistake again. As you take these positive steps, I believe God will help you experience his healing love and forgiveness.

 

[RiverOL]

Kissing and Limits

• 1. What About Kissing?
• 2. Will Kissing Get Boring?
• 3. Is Kissing All There Is?
• 4. How Far is Too Far?

What About Kissing?
Question: I am 16, and I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost a month and a half. I can say without a doubt that I love her. We have a great relationship, and we talk about anything and everything. We have set physical boundaries, agreeing that we will not go beyond kissing. I was wondering about kissing. What would you say is right and wrong in this area? Is French kissing OK? How long is too long for kissing? I just want to be safe.
Answer: Kissing somebody you love feels good, but I'm glad you're thinking this through.
When kissing begins to dominate your time together, or when it is just the beginning of a physical relationship that will go further, kissing can become more hurtful than helpful.

Two bad things can happen when you try to make a kiss more than a kiss. Trying to get a sexual charge, a couple is likely to keep going further, becoming more physically intimate. And even if they don't go further, they spend so much time kissing that they miss out on developing their friendship. If you spend a lot of time with your lips locked, you certainly aren't talking. Anything that keeps you from talking together is a mistake!
As for French kissing, it's certainly very intimate. And I'd say too intimate for unmarried teen couples.
I also think you need to seriously evaluate the amount of time you spend kissing. Once you get beyond a minute or two, I think you're asking more from a kiss than a kiss has to give. It could be lust leading you, not love.

Will Kissing Get Boring?
Question: My girlfriend and I have been going out for almost a month and a half. Last night we had our first kiss. It was really awesome. But I don't want to get much more physical than brief kisses and holding hands. I am pretty sure she feels the same way, but now I'm afraid that eventually our relationship will become boring. How can I keep this from happening?
Answer: If kisses are the biggest thrill in your relationship, you'll get bored soon. Kisses are a wonderful way to express affection and appreciation, but by themselves, they aren't much to appreciate. Kissing does get boring, if that's all there is between you. To keep your relationship alive and growing, learn how to communicate with each other in ways that encourage and comfort each other.

Pretty often, kissing and other physical expressions of love get in the way more than they help.
Become a good communicator. Learn how to ask questions that go beyond facts. Learn how to listen. Learn how to talk about more than just superficial stuff. Learn to be kind, appreciative, complimentary. Find ways to comfort each other with your conversation. If you do these things, and your girlfriend does the same, you will rarely be bored together. If you can create such a positive, healthy relationship, your occasional kisses will be sweet, marvelous and never dull.

Is Kissing All There Is?
Question: I'm confused about why the Bible says premarital sex is wrong. I'm not in a sexual relationship, but some of my Christian friends are. They say it's OK because they had dated their boyfriend or girlfriend a long time and felt that they were ready for the next level of commitment. In a way, I agree with their decision.
My question: Is kissing the farthest your relationship can go physically if you believe premarital sex is wrong? How are you supposed to grow closer together if you can't show your love, affection and commitment to each other in a more passionate way than kissing? Besides, in most relationships, kissing comes into the picture within a couple of weeks.

Is there a way for people to grow closer to someone physically and emotionally without going against their Christian values?
Answer: Those are great questions, and I thank you for asking them. You've posed the dilemma well. And yes, you've understood correctly. The Bible very clearly views sexual intercourse as an expression of love belonging only to married couples. Sex is not merely a physical way to express love. It's also a spiritual interchange that binds two people's hearts and souls together. When you have sex with someone, you're supposed to stay together forever. And that means you should only have sex with the person you have married.

So what happens to people who are, as you say, "ready for the next level of commitment?" Are they condemned to a second-rate relationship? I certainly don't think so. Your question points out a problem with the way we think about relationships sometimes. When we define a relationship by what goes on physically, we forget the qualities that really make for a healthy, lasting relationship—qualities like compatibility, respect, and shared values and interests. These parts of a relationship are more important than sex, whether people are married or not. When we overemphasize the physical ways of expressing love, we start to undervalue other ways to show love, like listening when someone is speaking, or giving a sweet smile or gentle hug. We stop looking for creative ways to show love. Instead, we simply feed our desire to go further physically until sex is the only thing left to do.

You're right that people will need to control themselves by choosing not to have sex. That's not easy. And kissing is OK for unmarried couples—as long as they are kissing to express affection and genuine love. But please don't underestimate the value of a kiss—or its power. When deep, passionate kissing goes on for long, it's simply a warm-up for sex. When couples place themselves in intimate settings with no one around, they are likely to find that French kissing leaves them sexually excited and they simply want to go farther and farther. No wonder even Christian couples "feel" that sex is OK! Their runaway feelings tell them it's OK.

I'll be honest: Unmarried couples who choose to have sex probably feel more physically satisfied at first. But the more important question is, Do they really grow closer in lasting and important ways beyond that physical relationship? I think a sexual relationship between people who are dating can contribute to the breakdown of those relationships. It's well known that couples who live together and have a sexual relationship before marriage are more likely to divorce. The fact is, sex before marriage isn't good preparation for a marriage. That's especially true if you have two, three, four or a dozen sexual partners by the time you find the person you want to stay with forever.

Most people who make sex a part of dating relationships will have several partners before marriage. They think a relationship will last, but it doesn't. So they go on to the next partner. And the next. And the next. That mindset—and the consequences that follow—can be difficult to overcome, even after a person is married.
Dating is not supposed to be a state of perfect contentment. It's supposed to be about finding the right one, and preparing for a good marriage. No one should think that a string of sexual relationships will lead to a lasting love during the dating process. If you do, you'll likely deal with a great deal of dissatisfaction and be very unfulfilled.

How Far Is Too Far?
Question: I've been with a guy for almost a year now, and I don't know how far is too far. I'm not going to have sex with him, but there's so much other stuff that people can do. I know I love him very much, but I just don't know what is too far.
Answer: I'm glad you're asking this question. Most people try to figure out the answer on an experimental basis. Unfortunately, they often learn the hard way that what feels good may not turn out to be good.

The Bible doesn't address your question specifically. People didn't really date in those days. In fact, they might not have seen their spouse until the wedding day. In our day, though, most young people meet the opposite sex long before their wedding day, and they have ample opportunity to spend time alone together. Biology being what it is, however, your question is a crucial one.

The Bible does give general principles that help, such as the basic command to keep our bodies pure from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18). As for defining exactly where the line should be drawn, the Bible doesn't say. But I've reached some conclusions based on my understanding and experience—and a lot of data. Thousands of people have shared their experiences with me over the years. And I've spent many years pondering a Christian view of sex.

I'd start by asking: what is the point of physical contact? We know what sexual intercourse accomplishes, but why hug, kiss, touch, hold hands? What's the point?
The only good answer I know is, "To express our love." People will say, "It helps us feel close," or just, "It feels good." When you care for someone, you're drawn together physically. The alternative—not touching—would feel cold.
There's another side to that answer, though, that people sometimes forget. If you love someone, you don't want to do something that will hurt him or her emotionally, or hurt your relationship. So the question becomes, "How do I express my love in a way that's not harmful to either of us, or to our relationship?"
Some basic principles I'd suggest:

Don't do anything that either one of you will feel ashamed of. Even if you think you shouldn't feel ashamed, you do—and shame can destroy a person's confidence, not to mention ruin a relationship. Why go there?

Don't do anything that tends to dominate your relationship. Even an activity many people consider harmless—kissing—can turn into long wrestling matches that take up all the time and energy you have together. Physical expressions of love should be brief and to the point. They shouldn't eliminate more important ways of communicating, such as talking. If the trend in your relationship is toward less talking and more kissing, you are off track.

Don't do anything you're not sure of. It's tempting to experiment. You think, We'll try this, and if we don't like it we'll quit. But bodies don't work that way. They're always pushing us forward, and they make it very difficult to go back. Once you've started doing a certain activity, you'll almost certainly continue until you break up.

Don't do anything that makes the other person feel uncomfortable. You're expressing love, remember? How could you express love by talking someone into trying something he or she fears?

Don't do anything that would lead you to believe that your body is not precious and private. There's a reason why your sexual organs are called "private parts." They're meant to be private, shared only with the person you commit your life to in marriage. When that sense of privacy is invaded, it hurts the person. When you're dating, you have to know that you might not stay together forever. And how will it be for you or your partner, knowing that someone who no longer cares for you has explored those private places? And at what cost?

Don't do anything that could cause you to lose your self-control. It's a biological fact that our bodies want to go all the way. They push forward with just the slightest encouragement. That's God's design, and it's good. It helps create the powerful bonds of marriage. However, it can also be dangerous. It can (and does) make people do things they swore never to do, deeds that make them sick with guilt when they realize what they've done. Don't push the limits of self-control, and ask God to help both of you maintain that control. You don't want to engage in activities that put you into the danger zone.

Don't do anything that leaves you feeling frustrated. If you get too aroused, it doesn't feel good to stop. In fact, it feels lousy. What's loving and romantic about doing something that leaves one or both of you feeling frustrated?

Don't do anything that you will be ashamed to tell your husband or wife on your wedding day. The odds are very good you will marry someone else. (Even engaged couples break up—and pretty often, actually.) What's loving about an activity that will take away from the joy of the most wonderful day of your life?
When I put all this together, I come up with one simple guideline: Stick to holding hands and occasional brief kisses—no tongues, no frenching. I think that allows you maximum expression of love. It's sweet, heartfelt, and it usually does no harm.

Of course, plenty of couples go further than that and seem unharmed. In my experience, though, their behavior is risky and even dangerous. I've heard from way too many people who've written to say, "I was so sure. Now I'd like to die." And for what? What do they gain? I don't think they really express more love by going further. Usually they only express more lust, which only leads to frustration or worse.
On a more positive note, you can do more than just avoid the "don'ts" mentioned above. Concentrate on the "do's" of a good relationship—thoughtful conversation, fun and creative activities (including with groups!), and time together in prayer and discussing the things of faith.

 

[RiverOL]

Concerned About Friends

• 1. I'm Worried About My Friend
• 2. My Friend's Making a Bad Choice
• 3. My Friend's Sleeping Around
• 4. She's Lowered Her Standards
• 5. My Friends are Going Too Far

I'm Worried About My Friend
Question: My best friend is thinking about moving out of her mom's house because they aren't getting along. I'm worried that when my friend moves out she might have her boyfriend over. Their relationship is pretty intense, and I'm concerned that they might start having sex. I want to ask her about it, but she doesn't tell me details about anything in her life. I told her I was worried about her moving out, but didn't tell her why. I don't want her to be mad at me. How do I tell her? Or should I say anything?
Answer: I'm glad you're concerned about your friend.

And I think your instinct is correct: It's a good idea to talk to her about this. The subject is sensitive, and it's true that she might take your concern all wrong. But since you care about her, it's a risk worth taking.
It's best to have this type of conversation face to face. You might have to clarify something if she misunderstands, and it's best to do that right away, in person.
Start with the positive. Remind your friend that you care about her, and that you think she's a wonderful person with great potential. Let her know that your friendship is unconditional.

Then explain that you're worried about what might happen to her if she goes out on her own. Tell her about your belief that sex should be saved for marriage, and that premarital sex is a mistake. Then ask her: "Do I have anything to be worried about?"
Be sure to listen to your friend, and to keep her in your prayers, no matter what her answer is. You have to accept that your friend may go in a direction you don't approve of. Tell her you're with her, no matter what—but let her know that you are concerned.

My Friend's Making A Bad Choice
Question: A friend of mine has started hanging out a lot with a guy from her after-school job. She likes him a lot. The problem is, he's a lot older than we are, and he's also married, with a couple of kids. I told her that it's a really bad idea to be involved with him, but she said he told her that he and his wife are unhappy, and the only reason they haven't divorced yet is that they have young kids. She asked me if it's OK to see him as a good friend while she waits for him to get divorced. Just thinking about this makes me feel awful. What should I tell her? How can I help her see that this isn't good?

Answer: Your friend is in terrible trouble, and you're absolutely correct to be alarmed. She's blinded herself to the truth. Until something happens to open her eyes, she won't hear anything you say. She'll talk her way past every objection. When you disagree, she'll think you're jealous or trying to spoil her fun.
Keep your friendship with her alive in hope that she'll someday wake up. Keep asking questions, but don't nag. Let her know what you think, but don't lecture. Ask creative questions, like: When will those children be old enough so a divorce won't hurt them? What does your friend say about the marriage counseling he's received?

Do you think people who are married should quit if they feel unhappy? What do you think will happen to those children? Anything you can do to get her thinking is good.
There's something else your friend should be aware of: If she's underage, it could be more than inappropriate and dangerous for her to be involved with this man. It could also be illegal. Many states have laws that forbid sexual relationships with underage people. Again, you're right to be concerned about your friend. Keep in touch with her, and if you believe the situation has become dangerous, ask your parents or youth pastor to intervene.

My Friend's Sleeping Around
Question: My best friend went off to college last year, and when she came back at Christmas she told me she was no longer a virgin. The hard part about it was she had slept with three different guys, numerous times. She said she was going to stop, but when she came back for summer she admitted nothing had changed. Again she said she would stop, but right before she left she had sex with a mutual friend of ours in her church building. I got mad at her and told her how disrespectful that was to God, and how stupid and immature she was being. Now we never talk.

What do I do? I've done everything but tell her parents, and I won't do that. I miss my friend.
Answer: You can only be ready to pick up the pieces if she crashes—as she probably will. I'd write or call her and say that while it's hard to watch her go against your values, you recognize you have to give her freedom. Tell her you still care for her, and that no disagreement can ever take that away. Tell her you'll always be there for her if she's ever in need of someone to talk to.
I doubt you'll ever experience the kind of friendship you once had. It's hard to be close when your choices have diverged so drastically. I'd urge you, though, to try to stay in touch. Life is a long journey, and there are many bends in the road. At some later stage, your friend may really need you. She won't be able to reach out to you if you've lost contact.

She's Lowered Her Standards
Question: My friend and I both live in Christian homes and attend a Christian school. We've talked a lot about how important it is to save sex for marriage. About a year ago, she started dating a non-Christian guy. He was really nice, and she believed that she could help him see why he should accept Christ. But I think it's worked the other way around—he's caused her to start lowering her standards and not paying much attention to her faith. I don't think she's a virgin anymore. She hasn't told me, but I know her pretty well, and she seems really uncomfortable when we talk about saving ourselves. She's also started to lie to her parents, and, I think, to me. I don't know what to do. Should I approach her? How should I tell her I'm worried about her?

Answer: Yes, definitely approach her. You know what's going on, and she knows you know. If you don't bridge the awkwardness, your friendship will end. Right now, she needs you more than ever.
Think about it. She's gone against her parents. She's gone against her own conscience. She's failed in her plan to influence this guy. She probably justifies what she's doing, but in her heart of hearts she knows she's headed in the wrong direction. Your friend is probably feeling pretty miserable. The tricky part is to talk honestly without making her defensive. She probably feels so bad she doesn't want to be reminded of it. She might get angry at anybody who questions her. But, if she's your friend you owe it to her. You have to try.

Make an appointment to get together to talk. Don't try to do it on the phone or over e-mails or texting. When you talk in person she'll see from your face that you care. You'll be right there to work through any misunderstandings.
Make it clear that you're not there to condemn her. You feel as her friend you should remind her of the truth. Let her know that you want to continue as her friend, even if she doesn't do what you think she should. You aren't going to approve of her actions, but you still are there for her.
Maybe she'll be ready to change her direction on the spot. More likely, she won't. However, it's only a question of time before this relationship goes off the track. Will she be left alone to sort out all her pain? Or will she know she has a friend who cared all along? I hope it's the latter.

My Friends Are Going Too Far
Question: Two of my best friends are dating. Both are strong Christians, but I'm worried about them. The girl has recently been through a lot. Before she started dating her current boyfriend, she was raped two or three times. She also had sex with several other guys. She's changed since then, but it's only been about six months. While I know my friends aren't having sex right now, they do some pretty heavy "petting," which makes me nervous. What can I do? I don't want them to think I'm being nosy. I'm just afraid what they're doing will lead to more.

Answer: You're obviously a caring friend. It's easier to take a "none of my business" stance, but real friends do care about the spiritual and physical welfare of others. What you describe between these two would definitely count as risk factors. Past sexual experiences (including negative ones) often lead to greater sexual promiscuity. You feel uncomfortable with the kinds of interactions you see between them, and I'd say it's wise to trust your feelings. If you feel concerned, there's a good chance you should be.

So what should you do? I would start by trying to talk to them individually about their relationship. You're concerned they'll think you're "nosy," but they might just appreciate your care and concern. Still, they may not welcome your advice. If that's the case, I'd try to offer resources instead. For example, you might refer them to this series of lessons. Or, ask your pastor if he has a book or other resources he'd recommend, and pass it on to them. Then, ask one or both of them what they thought, and whether they'd like to talk about it.

You can only offer. You can't insist. But you never know. One or both of them might be struggling, ready and waiting for any help or counsel. If you don't put yourself out there, you'll never know for sure.

 

[RiverOL]

What's Wrong with Premarital Sex?

• 1. Why am I Judged for Having Sex?
• 2. Have I Ruined my Future?
• 3. Will God Forgive Me?
• 4. Did God Let This Happen?

Why am I Judged for Having Sex?
Question: I'm a 16-year-old Christian who recently gave up my virginity. I waited until I really loved my boyfriend, and I knew he loved me. I don't think sex has anything to do with the fact that you're married or single. I think it's a choice each person has to make by asking themselves if they're prepared for the outcome if something goes wrong. I talked to my partner about the possible outcomes. We used protection and nothing bad happened.
My boyfriend broke up with me recently. I know it wasn't because of sex, it was just because we had grown apart in our relationship. We're still best friends and we talk all of the time. I still don't regret anything I've done because I know I loved my boyfriend, and I always will. So why do people judge me when they find out that I'm not a virgin?

Answer: You feel criticized by people who learn you aren't a virgin, but you might be surprised to know that some people feel criticized for just the opposite reason—because they've never had sex! It depends on who is doing the criticism, and what their philosophy is. In America today there are at least two very different philosophies of sex.

You've done a good job articulating the way sex is seen by many, especially on TV sitcoms, in most movies, and in supermarket magazines. The key to this philosophy is the individual—his or her likes and dislikes, his or her choices and responsibility. In this view, sex is a way for individuals to enjoy each other. Each person must decide individually whether to make love or not, with whom, and for how long. The only constraint should be whether they're prepared to handle the consequences.

You can't avoid some risks, so you ought to face them honestly, minimize them if you can, and take responsibility for the results, whatever they are. If you should happen to get a sexually transmitted disease, or become pregnant, or decide you're not meant for each other, those are just the breaks of the game. Most likely you'll move through a number of sexual relationships before you find one that gives you lasting satisfaction. (And some people never find that, but keep moving from one partner to the next.)
If you follow this philosophy, there's no reason to blame you for losing your virginity. If someone had a baby and didn't take care of it, or contracted AIDS and whined about it, that would be wrong. But there's nothing wrong with what you've done—if you believe this philosophy.

I follow a different philosophy based on Christian truth and wisdom. The key to this philosophy is relationship. Sex, according to this view, is the way for individuals to bind themselves in a total relationship, in which two people become a single loving unit for the rest of their lives. In other words, sex is all about marriage and family. Your individual choice remains important, but it doesn't remain supreme forever. You become "one flesh" with a member of the opposite sex, by choosing to marry. Sex goes with a commitment. You lose a certain amount of freedom, a certain amount of individuality. But you gain a lifelong partner and soulmate.

That's why some people are letting you know they disapprove of what you've done. According to Christian thinking, you've missed the mark. You may have had good intentions, but you didn't understand what sex is for. You thought it was for enjoyment, long-term or short. According to a Christian view, sex is for enjoyment in marriage—and you've put that at risk. You've behaved in a way that makes it harder for you, your partner, and all your future partners to experience the real joy of sex. When you're used to going freely from one sexual relationship to the next, it's hard to stay with just one person.

Sexual habits are very powerful.
You can argue about which works best. But I believe the Christian way gives the most benefits and offers the greatest chance of a satisfied life. You can see the consequences of an individualistic philosophy all around—so many children without a father, so many sexually transmitted diseases, so many divorces, so many lonely people. This may be the most sexually unsatisfied generation in history.
That's because the individualistic view of sex is unrealistic. You meet someone, decide to have sex, then go your separate ways. As long as you used protection, "nothing bad happened."

But I'd say that something bad did happen to you and your boyfriend. A bond that was meant to be permanent was treated like a throwaway.
People who love each other enough to expose their bodies and their love to each other in total vulnerability aren't meant to ever be torn apart. Even though you don't regret anything, I'd be surprised if the memories of that first, failed relationship don't haunt you. Sex is not just a physical thing. It's spiritual. When you tear apart after sex, there are consequences. At the very least, this first relationship will make your next relationship more likely to fail, because you've laid down some tracks you'll tend to follow again.
I'd urge you to think hard about which philosophy you want to follow. Do you want to stay in tune with the modern media or invest in historic wisdom? The way you answer will have lifelong implications, so think hard.

Have I Ruined My Future?
Question: About six months ago, I really thought I had found my true love. I had fallen from God quite a bit, though, and I had sex with the guy. After that our relationship fell apart, and I regretted having done it. Now I'm afraid my experience with premarital sex is just as bad as committing adultery. Since I've already had sex, does that mean I've been unfaithful to the man God has chosen for me?

Answer: Is the sin you've committed as bad as adultery? I don't know. It's hard to compare sins. They're all bad. But unfortunately, I do believe you've been unfaithful to your future spouse. You can test this by asking yourself, "What will that man feel when I tell him, someday, what I did?" I think he'll feel great pain, especially if he has, himself, been faithful while waiting for you. I believe he will wish fervently that you had waited for him.
Having given you the bad news, let me continue with the good. According to 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, [God] is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Think of Jesus as he was being executed. He looked at those who were murdering him and prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). What, then, do you think he says as he looks at you?
The crucial question is not, did you sin terribly against your future husband (and your God), but do you confess and place your sin before the almighty Father? If you do that, he will make it right. As it says in Romans 8:31, "If God is for us, who can be against us?"
When it comes to what we think, say and do, every one of us is bad enough to ruin our chances for a happy marriage. Only God can absorb all our mistakes and sins and make us clean. And he will, gladly.

Will God Forgive Me?
Question: I am a 15-year-old girl and I recently asked my mother for birth control. In other words, I am having sex. But sometimes I feel like a bad person, like God won't forgive me for the things I have done. Does he still love me even though I am having sex? It's not like I am having sex with someone I don't love. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart, I am sure of it! But does having sex make me a bad person?
Answer: No, having sex does not make you a bad person. God made sex, and he wants us to enjoy it. God is pleased when married people share the intimacy of sex.
It's true that you are sinning by having sex with your boyfriend, and knowing that is probably what's making you feel guilty.

You probably don't see anything hurtful about your actions. But you are not looking at the big picture the way God does. The fact is, relationships between 15-year-olds can be intense, but they rarely last. Unless you seek God's help and change your life, you'll probably experience a series of love affairs, each one beginning with hope and love, each one ending in heartache.
By the time you're 20, it probably won't matter much that you loved somebody when you were 15. What will matter, though, is that if you continue in this pattern, you'll have a sexual history with a number of different partners—and that you'll be a lot less hopeful and love-filled than you used to be.
I don't like the thought of that. Neither does God. Neither should you!

God loves you very much, and your sin is not unforgivable. But he does want you to follow his directions. He had a good reason for saying that sex should wait for marriage. He wants you to experience sex the way he intended. If I were in your shoes, I'd ask your mom, your youth pastor or another friend to help you find ways to stop having sex. The joy of married sex is worth waiting for.

Did God Let This Happen?
Question: I'm really confused about something. I love my boyfriend, and we've promised to stay together, no matter what. I'd been wondering if God would mind if we had sex, because we are committed to each other. I prayed that if he thought the time was right, he would let it happen. We came close to having sex a few times after that, but something always stopped us. Then, a few days ago, we did have sex. I'm wondering: Since God allowed that to happen, is he OK with it?

Answer: Sometimes it is hard to figure out what God's plan is. But this is not one of those times.
Although the world around us is confused about sex, God has made his plan for sex very clear through his Word. It's a plan that applies to everyone, no matter what their situation.
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral" (Hebrew 13:4, NIV).
The standard is consistent throughout the Bible: If you're married, you have sex. If you're not, you don't. It doesn't say anything about people who are "committed to each other."

God created sexual pleasure, excitement and intimacy. He made it as the sign and seal of absolute, lifelong love. He intended sexual partners to be bonded together, never to be broken apart. That's marriage, as God intended it. "Committed" just doesn't cut it.
If you think about it, you'll understand why. The type of commitment you have often fails. It's not likely that a romance you're involved in during high school will lead to marriage. Sex is too special and bonds you in a way that is too powerful for relationships other than marriage.
If it sounds like I'm being tough on you, I am. I'm doing this for two reasons: First, I think you may be asking a question that you already know the answer to. Deep inside, I think you know that looking for mysterious signs (like "something always stopped us," or "since God allowed it to happen") is a pretty unreliable way to figure out God's will.

Second, your way of thinking is dangerous. Think about it. Because we live in a fallen, broken world, things happen every day that are outside of God's perfect plan—things he's definitely not OK with, even though he allows them to happen. If you want to know God's will about sex, you don't have to look for signs. Just read the Bible.
My encouragement: Ask God to forgive you (he will), and then commit yourself to sexual purity until marriage. But don't go it alone. Find someone who can hold you accountable to God's standards for sexual purity. It would be best if this were a Christian woman who will show you understanding, and yet hold you to God's standards for sex. Please make changes, starting today. It's the best, right and healthy thing to do.

 

[RiverOL]

Seeing Jesus at your Graduation
Counting on Christ to be there Tomorrow
Text written and copyrighted © 2002 by Manfred Koehler. Used by permission. All rights reserved.)

Nervous smiles gave them away.

They stood in royal blue gowns, grad caps neatly donned, gold tassels swinging circles by each right ear. Friends and family from all over the United States and Canada fanned out before them, eager to watch the ceremony. Graduate scrolls lay in a tidy row on an oak table beside the podium. Principal, master of ceremonies, and graduation speaker had arrived on time. The five soon-to-be graduates stood tall, cool, and collected. Finely brushed teeth gleamed under the platform lights.

But those smiles looked just a little forced.

Stefanie was thinking about a career in journalism, but she wondered if she had the wherewithal to pull it off as a writer. She had applied to Columbia Bible College, never having had a chance to set foot on campus. Her boyfriend was way off in Oregon, so she had no idea where that relationship was going. And Mom and Dad were missionaries—they'd be an expensive phone call away.

For Stefanie, high school graduation spelled uncertainty.

Kyle looked forward to a simple job and no responsibility. He had vague dreams of forming a band and hanging out with friends in some bachelor apartment in northern Manitoba. Mostly he just wanted to be away from home, to make some of his own decisions for a while. He didn't have a clue what God wanted.

All Kyle knew was that, right now, graduation meant freedom.

Claire groaned at the core every time she thought of her family. Her best friends were her kid sister, Mom, and Dad. Her first step after graduation would be Nepal—a summer missions trip. After that, she was enrolled in a photography program in Vermont. But her "best friends" were a long way from Vermont, let alone Nepal. May as well have been Venus or Neptune.

To Claire, graduation would cost her dearly in terms of separation.

Darren loved people—especially girls. And people, especially the girls, loved Darren. He couldn't believe he'd come to the end of his high school years without a serious girlfriend. Nor could any of the girls. Darren wasn't a playboy; he just wanted to be loved, get married, and have a family. Yesterday.

Darren hoped that after graduation he'd find some new opportunities.

Rob's dream was to fly. He'd filled in his Air Force Academy applications, visions of Top Gun buzzing through his cranium at Mach 2, but he still hadn't heard. He was afraid his eyesight might be a factor. Money scared him, too—or the lack of it. His parents didn't have much, so he'd have to fend for himself financially. How much could a high school escapee make in a summer, anyway?

Rob was certain graduation went hand in hand with fear.

Fighting through the fog of surreal thoughts the occasion forced on them, the five looked up as the graduation speaker rose. Ears perked, they waited, hoping he had something relevant to say.

You've come to the end of a long road, the speaker began. It’s had happy times and hard times. Your parents have prayed you through the pilgrimage, your teachers have walked beside you, and your friends have shared the adventures. Now, one more step and you're done. The cameras will flash. Your parents will cry. Your teachers will smile. Your friends will say a sad good-bye.
Claire glanced over at her family, heart lurching.

But your last step in this journey is only the first in your next. The sky of opportunity spreads cloudless before you. Adulthood awaits your direction, your choices, your ambition.
And life is about to become more complicated.
Stefanie shook her head. This was not what she wanted to hear.

Enemies lurk ahead. Satan prowls like a lion, hungry for your youth, your potential, your very life. The world seeks to snag you in its claws and transfix your mind in its grip. And the enemy you've already long fought—yourself, your flesh—will continue its feverish battle to the death.
Your parents' love, your teachers' prayers, and your friends' care will follow as you face this scary unknown. Each of those is an incredibly valuable gift. But you need someone else, someone greater, someone who's always there.

That someone is Jesus.
He is your Savior, Friend, Counselor, and King. He craves to be your all in all. He's much more than your ticket to paradise. He's your very life.
It's his wisdom that will guide you through the caverns of this world. It's his hand you’ll fall into when temptation trips you up. It's his patience that will endure when you’ve given up on yourself. It's his faithfulness that will stand tall when disappointment surrounds you. It’s his strength that will uphold your soul when all else tumbles down.
Sure, great. Darren wondered if Jesus could just find him a girlfriend.

Remember. He walked Calvary's lonely trail so you would never walk alone. He poured out his life so yours could be full. He was wounded so you could be whole. His blood is your forgiveness. His cross is your freedom. He still bears the scars. Run your finger along the rough rim of each nail-pierced hole. Stick a hand in his side. Don't ever forget.
Set your eyes on Jesus.
You need him more than you know. Look at him; he's altogether lovely. Study him; you'll find his face in Scripture's every page. Cling to him; he cannot be moved. Listen to his voice; the universe knows none sweeter. Jesus is your light; stand in his glow. He's your resurrection; live in his hope. He's your bread; feast heartily at his table. He's your truth; look no further. He's your life; live him to the full. He's your way; enjoy the breathtaking tour.
Fix your heart on Jesus.
He's your gentle Shepherd, the Door to safety, your Entrance to the fold. Run to him when no one else understands. Hide in him when everything seems horrible. Warm your soul in him when all goes cold. Whatever your need, he'll be there. He always delivers, right on time.
Rob smiled, imagining Jesus running deliveries to him in a UPS truck. Better still, a Brink's armored car.

God's Son is your love. Jesus is your joy. Emmanuel is your peace. The Son of Man is patience, kindness, goodness. The Alpha and Omega is faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. By enjoying Christ, you are all of these. When your soul lacks such beauty, ask for more of Jesus. Own him. Embrace him. Then stand to one side, so he can live.
Build your future on Jesus.

Christ, your Captain, has given you his armor. Cinch truth firmly to your soul. He's fitted you with a breastplate. Let his righteousness protect your heart from the evil one's accusations. Jesus has shod you with his shoes. Take each step in peace. Walk the Good News wherever you go. He's assigned you a shield, forged by your faith. Bear it courageously, consistently, and watch it quench the devil's darts. Christ has handed you a helmet. Allow his salvation to fill and protect your mind. He's armed you with a sword. Learn to wield it like a master, like your Master.
Kyle wrestled with the concept. He liked the idea of battle, but he wasn't sure he wanted a master—not even one as friendly as Jesus.

Having equipped you, your Commander sends you out as a soldier. Discover your mission soon. Join the ranks. Fight a good fight. And acknowledge your Captain's close presence at every step in the battle, with every stroke of your sword, and after every victory he grants you.

Go forward in Jesus.
Greatest of all, Christ's blood has provided you a telephone called prayer. The hotline to headquarters is always open. No operator, no answering machine, no long-distance static. Reinforcement is yours for the calling. God himself hears on the first ring.
In fact, Jesus is praying for you. He runs this race with you. He stands over, under, and around you. He lives within. He walks beside. He goes before. He's waiting, his arms open wide. He yearns to greet you with the words, "Well done, you good and faithful servant." That's a welcome you don't want to miss.
Congratulations. Your graduation is here. Your friends and family are proud of you, and they love you dearly.

But remember, Jesus loves you infinitely more. Go—and grow—in his grace.
With an encouraging nod and a smile, the speaker sat down. The five grads weren't sure what to think. The words sounded true, but they didn't know what to do with them. Jesus was their Savior—all five were sure of that—but would he really be there in the challenges that now faced them? Was Jesus relevant in the adult world that waited? Was Jesus really all they needed?

That graduation speaker and this series of lessons make the same assumption: Yes, Jesus is relevant. And yes, he is all you need. Christ can answer your uncertainties, guide you into true freedom, alleviate the pain of separation, make the most of your opportunities, and tranquilize your fears. Jesus is not only about heaven in the distant hereafter; Jesus is about your future on earth here and now.

Congratulations. You're a graduate. But you're not ready to face the world on your own. You need Jesus. More.

 

[RiverOL]

A FedEx from Heaven
(a fresh look at knowing God's will)
Text written and copyrighted © 2002 by Manfred Koehler. Used by permission. All rights reserved.)

Stan sat staring into an empty Starbucks cup. His pencil, gnawed down to half its original length, spun absently between three fingers. A pad of paper lay before him, several words scratched haphazardly across its face: University of Waterloo? Trinity College? Diane? Carol?

Do you even care, God? The anguished prayer screamed silently upward. Couldn't you just FedEx me from heaven so I’ll know what you want?

A burst of hard laughter filled the coffee shop. Cringing, Stan recognized several guys from his youth group. So much for sorting out his future in privacy. He closed his eyes, hoping it would make him invisible. The pencil stopped spinning.

"Yo, Stan, doing homework?" That had to be Ken Billings, the chunky, overblown comedian. "Get a clue, man. It's July. You've graduated. Homework is history."

Stan nodded, eyes still closed. He could hear the rustle of bodies around him, followed by the scrape of a chair. Suddenly, the midget pencil was torn from his fingers. Stan's eyes snapped open. Ken had the pencil in his mouth, chomping away where Stan had left off.

And the pad was in Ken's hands.

"Well, what do we have here?"

Stan tensed, stretching across the table to snatch back his pad, but Ken held it out of his reach.

"Whoa, not so fast. 'University of Waterloo'? Where's that?"

There was the temptation to say nothing, but Ken could badger a guy to death. "Canada."

Ken began humming "O Canada," pencil bobbing inside a greasy smile, fat hand holding the pad for all to see.

"Check this out, guys: 'Diane and Carol'. Heh-heh. I think we know who Carol is. Isn't she going to Trinity College?"

Several heads nodded.

"But who's this Diane?" Ken leered across the table. Stan clamped his mouth shut.

"She wouldn't be that sweet girl you met in Canada, would she?"

Stan stared into the empty Starbucks cup, shrinking under curious grins.

"She wouldn't be going to Water-the-loo University?" Several chuckles.

Stan picked up the cup, ready to ram it down a great big hole.

The greasy smile disappeared. "Sorry, pal. I'm being juvenile." Ken pointed at the surrounding chairs with the chewed off pencil. "Sit down, guys. Looks like our friend is facing some big decisions."

Stan blinked.

"Wanna talk?" Ken held his big hands wide. "We might not have any answers, but we can listen."

Relief washing over him like warm water, Stan smiled. This was no FedEx, but the gang just might do.

So You're Asking the Questions
Concerned about what God wants? Desperate to know what he has lined up for your future? Wishing he would just tell you? If so, you're on the right track. Don't stop asking. Life can take a million directions. Many of them are wrong, taking you places you never wanted to be.

"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12)

Wrong Track #1

Many believers at your stage in life don't even ask the questions, let alone find the answers. Some assume their existence is their own, to be spent however they please. They've heeded Satan's whisper: Do whatever you want. It's your life.

That's simply not true. The truth is,

"He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again" (2 Corinthians 5:15).

Your life is not your own. Not physically, not spiritually. Every breath you take should remind you of the One who keeps those lungs pumping. Every cross you see should bring to mind the Savior who died so your spirit could live. Jesus not only built you, he bought you (Colossians 1:15-16; 1 Corinthians 6:20).

Yes, Christ has dibs on your life. All of it.

Wrong Track #2

Other Christians are aware God has a plan, but Satan has convinced them that life according to God's plan will be boring, miserable, and otherwise undesirable. Another lie. In truth, God's will is good, pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2). That's what God says. To believe otherwise is to call him a liar.

You want something good? You want to be pleased? You want what's perfect for you? Don't miss it. Discover and live the adventure of God's will for your life.

Wrong Track #3

Many believers have become so frustrated trying to find God's will, they've quit asking the questions. They know it's out there, they assume it's good, but they can't figure out what it is.

Been there?

Here's a sneak peek into the journal of a young lady named Karen, a student in her first year at George Fox University:

God, I'm clueless about what you're doing in my life. I don't know my purpose anymore. I just totally bombed a chemistry test. Are you trying to show me that chemistry isn't for me? I don't get your point right now.
What should my major be? Do you care about my career? Will I ever marry? Who?
God, I'm asking all these questions, yet you seem to respond with silence. I don't understand.
Is that where you're squirming? Not knowing what God wants can get very uncomfortable. No guarantees, but the following principles may relieve some of your discomfort.

Ninety-five percent of God's will is found in the little things.
Many believers are fooled into thinking that God only cares about the gorilla-sized issues of life:

• What career should I pursue?
• Whom should I marry?
• Where does he want me to live?
• How many kids should I have—assuming I find a job, get married, and locate a place to live?

That's sad. God doesn't want to share only the big decisions with you; he wants to be a part of the little ones, too. That's why he gave you his Spirit. As the Father's child, you have a built-in Guide to God's will (Romans 8:14).

Learning to be led by that Guide is a lifelong assignment.

As desirable as a FedEx from heaven might seem, Christ prefers dealing with you more personally via his Spirit. This thing between you and Jesus is a relationship, remember? The sooner you learn to hear his still, small voice, the sweeter that relationship will be.

Don't get hung up on whether you should brush with Colgate or Crest tomorrow morning. But do allow yourself to be sensitive to God's Spirit nudging your heart with the things he'd love to have a say in:

• Your roommate could use a break. Why don't you do her laundry?
• Those sunglasses are too expensive. You'd be wiser to go no-name.
• See that guy sitting alone? How about eating lunch with him?
• Sorry but that movie will trash your mind. Find something else.

God's Spirit is trying to communicate with you 24/7. If you hear him on the many little things that compose most of life (Proverbs 3:5-6), you'll find the Spirit's voice easier to recognize when the big decisions make their presence felt (Luke 16:10).

Ninety-five percent of God's will is clearly taught in Scripture.

Though God's Word may not say, "Sammy Sutherland should marry Wendy Winterburn," its principles cover the vast majority of the decisions that come your way. And although some portions are admittedly obscure, many of the Bible's directives for your day-to-day existence are absolutely transparent lights that clearly mark the path God would have you travel (Psalm 119:105).

Consider this verse:

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

How much clearer can God get? Thankfulness is his will for you. If you're struggling with not knowing whom you'll marry, this verse translates into something like: "Don't mope. For now, be thankful for the freedom of singlehood."

If you pursue a growing knowledge—and application—of Scripture, you'll find much of God's will is not difficult to interpret.

Ninety-five percent of God's will can be discovered through good counsel.
Trying to wrestle out the pros and cons of a big decision on paper? While you're writing, take the time to list a few people you should get input from. Then seek them out. Lay out your options, your interests, your current leanings. Then listen. Listen closely. You may get conflicting counsel. Don't worry about it. One of those people may say something God's Spirit will use, something so crystal clear it drowns out all the other clashing messages. One phrase is often all it takes for God to unveil the door to his will. By looking for help from godly people, you can't go too far wrong.

"In the multitude of counselors there is safety" (Proverbs 11:14, KJV).

Ninety-five percent of God's will is accompanied by his peace.
Let's begin with the exceptions. Occasionally life on planet Earth will throw decisions at you that are extremely difficult. A situation can be so complex that whatever direction you consider, you'll find doubt and turmoil lurking. Yes, that happens. Find comfort in knowing that Jesus faced history's most heart-rending decision, in a garden called Gethsemane, coming to grips with God's will in the form of a cruel cross. Jesus' turmoil was so great, he sweat blood.

Thankfully, most of life doesn't present such blood-sweating choices.

For all those other, relatively mundane decisions—choices which are still important to both you and God—there is a Spirit-given indicator light that assures you you're on the right track: the peace of God.

When you find yourself worrying about God's will, consider this promise from him:

The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:5-7)

As you pray over your decisions, expect God to grant peace when the right option presents itself. Don't move until that peace is yours. Take your time. Not every choice has to be made the instant it comes up. I repeat, not every decision needs immediate attention. God reveals his will at the very best time, no sooner. Sometimes it is God's will for you to be still and wait (Psalm 46:10). Keep praying and seeking until the peace comes.

Peace can help you discern God's will in two ways, by both its coming and its going. If you're enjoying a busy-but-peaceful day, and suddenly that peace disappears, take it as a warning. A red light is flashing in your soul. Stop and reevaluate whatever course you were about to take. Consider the consequences. Find a new direction. Let peace rule again (Colossians 3:15).

Ninety-five percent of God's will is found in the willingness to obey it.

Here's an amazing passage on the subject of discerning God's will:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).

God is not stingy in his desire to reveal his will to you. He wants you to know. Really.

But check out the verses that follow:

"But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord" (James 1:6-7).

In other words, if you have any doubts about your willingness to obey God's will once it's presented to you, he will likely remain silent. God is not in the habit of dispensing the knowledge of his will, only to have it thrown back in his face: Naw, sorry, God. Nice to know your take on things, but I've got a better idea. Thanks anyway.

Hungry to know God's will? Starving enough to obey it no matter what? Good for you. You've got the same outlook Jesus had:

"My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work" (John 4:34).

With that attitude burning in your soul, rest easy. You're on the right track. God will make his perfect will clear in good time.

 

[RiverOL]

Don't Forget to Forgive
(Dispelling the black mist of bitterness before you leave home)
Text written and copyrighted © 2002 by Manfred Koehler. Used by permission. All rights reserved.)

Her stomach churning, Christine was driving too fast. But if she drove any slower, the bent fender would shake like a nervous diamondback. She pegged the needle on eighty and kept going. If she went anywhere between sixty-seven and seventy-three miles per hour, her car would rattle the glasses off her face. The thought left her head shaking, teeth biting her upper lip, her eyes stone cold, staring at the road.

Joseph. What a jerk! Why couldn't I have been an only child?

She resisted the urge to stop for coffee. The sooner she reached Cambridge College, the quicker she could rid herself of the car she once loved. The fact that a mechanic could fix it for a few hundred bucks seemed irrelevant. Joseph had contaminated her vehicle beyond repair. She would sell it within a week for whatever she could get.

Doing drugs in my car? Unbelievable!

Joseph had done some stupid things in his seventeen years as her brother, but this beat them all. Now he sat in the county jail, cooling his heels. Accepting the fact that the incredible had happened, she strengthened her resolve. Borrowing her car without permission was borderline forgivable. This, however, would not be so easily dismissed. Somehow he'd have to pay. If his drug habit left him too poor to pay the damages of last night's fling, she'd get it out of Joseph another way.

Even if it means never talking to him again.

The thought shook her, parting the dark cloud of anger long enough for another thought to slip in: But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

The car slowed to a dull rattle. Only partly aware, Christine scratched at her neck, trying to decipher the verse's strange meaning. This was bigger than a bent fender—that much was clear.

Judicial Versus Experiential
The verse that rattled Christine's cage (Matthew 6:15) used to confuse me. Did Jesus mean that my salvation was dependent on forgiving others? That sounded scary. I thought my salvation was a gift from him, not dependent on any work, even that of forgiveness (Ephesians 2:8-9). So which was true?

My thoughts went in another direction: Maybe all true Christians are born forgivers; perhaps unforgiveness is not an issue for them. But that didn't fit with what I knew about myself and had seen in many other believers: Unforgiveness is an issue; forgiveness doesn't come naturally. One believer I knew hadn't spoken to her blood brother in over thirty years. Now that's sad.

My dilemma was resolved when I made a distinction between judicial and experiential forgiveness. Allow me to explain.

Judicial Forgiveness

This is what you have in Christ through his death on the cross. God, the righteous Judge, placed your sin on Christ's shoulders, in turn declaring you wholly righteous (2 Corinthians 5:21). You are judged to be completely forgiven—past, present, and future sins included—and that forgiveness is unchanging. Once forgiven in Christ, you can no longer be condemned (Romans 8:1) . That is judicial forgiveness. It knows no measure.

Experiential Forgiveness

Experiential forgiveness is judicial forgiveness that has touched the heart—and in turn touches others (Ephesians 4:32). That kind of forgiveness can be measured. It fluctuates in direct proportion to your spiritual maturity. The more you grow, the greater your experience of God's forgiveness, and the greater your willingness to forgive others.

The converse is also true. If you're not growing spiritually, in all likelihood you're not forgiving, nor are you enjoying God's forgiveness.

The parable of the unmerciful servant is a classic example of judicial forgiveness that didn't touch the heart (Matthew 18:21-35). In this story, a servant forgiven by his master for a debt he couldn't pay in a hundred lifetimes—turned around and threw a fellow servant in jail for a petty unpaid loan. Though forgiven, the unmerciful servant extended no forgiveness. His shallow appreciation of his own forgiveness left him unwilling to pass that forgiveness on to another.

That's a dangerous place to be.

If you spitefully withhold your forgiveness—the very forgiveness God has so richly granted you through his Son—you'll find God firmly withholding your experience of his heartfelt forgiveness for you. That's what Jesus meant in Matthew 6:15. Instead, like the unmerciful servant, you'll be delivered over to the tortures of guilt, bitterness, anger, vindictiveness, and depression (Matthew 18:34-35). That's a pit of raging dogs that will tear your soul to shreds.

A very painful place to be.

Experiential forgiveness even determines your ability—or lack of it—to love. If you have a miserly estimation of how much God has forgiven you, your love for people will be measured in pennies. But if you spend time meditating on the riches of God's vast forgiveness for your frequently sinful existence, your love for others will know no measure—including your love for people who've hurt you to the core. Instead of wishing God's curse upon them, you'll be praying for their blessing (Matthew 5:44).

Consider Jesus' words as he contrasted the attitude of a repentant streetwalker with that of a self-righteous Pharisee:

"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little" (Luke 7:47).

Your experiential forgiveness determines the measure with which you love people—to say nothing of your love for God. And understand this: You don't need to be a has-been hooker or a three-time murderer to enjoy huge forgiveness. It's all about your depth of appreciation, not about the depth of your sin.

That appreciation only comes through long, humble-hearted meditation.

Without it, you'll be hunted down by the dogs of unforgiveness, no matter how far away your university travels take you. Loving forgiveness is your only escape: Love ... keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).

While packing your bags for college, think about your need for a deep, experiential forgiveness, one that's both felt from heaven and extended to all on earth who've wronged you. Ask God for it. Let him pack your heart full. Don't leave home without it.

 

[RiverOL]

On Your Own—but Not Alone
(Antidotes to homesickness)
Text written and copyrighted © 2002 by Manfred Koehler. Used by permission. All rights reserved.)

The mailroom door stood before me, beckoning eerily. It promised delight or disappointment but would not tell me which. I fought the temptation to hold my breath.

Inside the door stood an array of mailboxes, each with its own number and a small glass door. Mine was number 143. Someone had told me those three numbers meant "I love you." To me, they had come to spell "I hate you." My mailbox had been empty for six days running.

As I moved toward that box, my eyes wouldn't focus. Fear held me. One glance through that glass door could reward me with a world of hurt.

Number 143 waited, six inches from my nose. I closed my eyes.

With a homesick heart, it's tough to contemplate the possibility of a mailbox filled with air.

Other than a few weeks of church camp, I'd never left home before. Home was a great place to be. I missed my family and longed for the close comfort of youth group friends. Now I was 959 miles away from them all. Too poor to make a phone call, I would gladly have donated a gallon of blood for a letter from someone—anyone. Even a five-point demerit slip from my Bible college proctor would have brought relief.

With one deep breath, I forced my eyes open. Empty.

"I hate you" mocked me in cold silence.

Out of the Pits
I walked through the rest of that day in a numb fog, a zombie to the core. I didn't want to leave; I didn't want to quit. I just wanted to crawl under a rock.

I had a lot of growing up to do, I knew, but knowing didn't take the ache away. One scripture I'd memorized shone a tiny light through my fog: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7). My homesickness was definitely an "anxiety". I should have done it far sooner, but that night I put that verse to the test.

The secluded country road was perfect for what I needed: a place to talk, cry, even yell out loud. I did all three. God needed some good reminding of my need for mail. In a dozen different ways, I told him what it was like to have a vacant mailbox. The tears streamed down my face.

Then a thought gently pierced my mind. Am I not enough?

I could see my Savior, face sad but smiling, arms open. Love Personified offered me what I needed most. Not a letter, not a phone call, not even a visit from my whole youth group. Jesus offered me more of himself.

I ran into those arms, and that's when the crying really started.

My tears to that point had been bitter, selfish things. They brought zero relief. Now the tears were sweet, cleansing my soul with every drop. I had cast my anxiety on him. In return he showed me his goodness, love, and very real presence. In other words, Jesus hugged my soul.

I gave up begging God for mail. Jesus was more than any letter could be. He filled my mailbox, my world, my very heart.

In reality, he'd always been right with me, ever since I trusted him at age seven. But I needed to grow in order to enjoy his palpable presence. It took the pain of an empty mailbox to begin learning my lesson.

The nearness of Jesus is one of those lifetime courses the Holy Spirit seeks to teach me. I still need to review that lesson each day. As a missionary in Mexico, I occasionally see homesickness raise its ugly head, but it doesn't scare me anymore. My beautiful Savior, Jesus, is right there, every time.

Homesickness Defined
That's part of my story. Let's help you with yours.

Merriam Webster describes homesickness as the state of "longing for home and family while absent from them." Another writer calls it "a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong." Both are true but not very helpful. You don't want a description of how homesickness feels; you want to alleviate the pain.

It might be more helpful to think of homesickness as an invitation, a summons to step through a Door. It's not the sinister door I imagined the mailroom to have, but a bright one, glowing with the light of a warm fire, filled with promise. No disappointment in that Door, provided you walk through.

Wasn't it Jesus who said, "I am the door"? He went on to say, "If anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture" (John 10:9, NASB). Most people limit the great promise of that verse, thinking it merely refers to heaven. True, if you're going to pass through the pearly gates, you'll have to go through Jesus. He's the only Way.

But Christ's salvation is so much more than a free key to glory. You don't have to wait until they build your coffin to enjoy much of what lies beyond that Door. Jesus' salvation is a package deal. It's a house full of presents, a valley of green pastures, a treasure chest of riches to enjoy. And many of those treasures are for here and now.

They include:

• Total acceptance in Jesus (Romans 15:7)
• Love unflinching and multidimensional (Ephesians 3:17-19)
• Perfect peace of soul (Philippians 4:7)
• Perfect peace with God (Romans 5:1)
• Full and ongoing forgiveness (Colossians 2:13-14)
• Zero rejection from heaven (Romans 8:1)
• Protection from the evil one (John 17:15)
• And a cure for homesickness from Someone who cares most (1 Peter 5:7)

Feeling homesick? It's a reminder: The Door's open, the fire's lit. Jesus smiles, his arms wide. Walk on in.

Get Practical, Please
Call it homesickness, loneliness, the blues—whatever—it's all a spiritual malady, a heart problem that needs an internal remedy. You may bury your problem with external things like fun, food, or frenzy, but eventually it will crawl out of its hole, determined to make you sicker than ever.

Thankfully, Christ specializes in internal medicine. When it comes to getting a spiritual diagnosis and finding a cure, Jesus is the Physician to look for.

Following are a few practical suggestions on inviting him in for a house call.

Use Your Imagination

Imagine Jesus alongside as you get up in the morning. See him in the mirror as you brush your hair. Sense his satisfaction as you eat a bowl of cereal. Chat with him as you walk to your next lecture. Allow him to work with you while serving the next customer. Ask him for advice as you polish that term paper. Bid him good-night while you lie down to sleep. Your imagination may be faulty, but the truth stands strong:

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5).

Keep a Journal
Pour your heart out on its pages. Record the thoughts Jesus gives you as you beg him for answers.

Listen to the Loneliness Around You
A sense of utter isolation, even in the midst of a crowd, is a common experience (1 Corinthians 10:13). Make an effort to hear the hearts of others, remembering Jesus was a Master Listener. Ask penetrating questions about the things that haunt people. Realize you're not the only one homesick.

Stretch Your Soul and Reach Out

When you discover the hurts of others, do what you can to heal them. Serve in a soup kitchen for the homeless. Visit residents of a retirement center. As you and Jesus work together encouraging others, you'll be too busy to feel homesick.

Read the Psalms
Many psalms describe the experiences of desperately lonely characters, Jesus included. Consider David's prophetic cry in Psalm 22:6-7, words that describe Christ on the cross:

"But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people. All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads."

Loneliness? He's been there.

If all else fails, find a secluded country road, tilt your head toward heaven, and let the tears pour.

He'll be there. You won't be alone.

 

[RiverOL]

Finding New Friends
(Without having to beg for them)
Text written and copyrighted © 2002 by Manfred Koehler. Used by permission. All rights reserved.)

Tiffany walked through the cafeteria, lunch tray in hand, her eyes wide. She scanned the room, desperate for an empty table. She hated empty tables. But she didn't know anyone, so what choice did she have? Don't slow down, don't stop, keep moving. It was all she could do not to swallow. Someone would surely notice such a juvenile gesture, labeling her as a newbie—which she was, but no sense letting the whole campus know.

This would be a bad time to trip. Oh, she could see it now. Diet Pepsi and BLT launched all over the heads and clothing of three tables' worth of occupants.

The thought made her freeze.

Two guys briefly glanced her way, then casually continued their conversation. Tiffany closed her eyes, unbelieving. Why am I here in the middle of this walkway acting like road kill? Move! Opening her eyes, she jerked one foot forward. The tall glass on her tray rattled. Her gaze riveted on the rocking soda, she forced herself forward.

The conversations buzzing around her seemed to pick up a notch. Ears perked, Tiffany heard the word she from several directions. Someone else said the word tray.

Is every one of them whispering about me? Is there nothing better to talk about? Her eyes, now wider than ever, darted from the BLT to the Pepsi and back. Her breathing grew shallow. Her nose twitched. She needed a place to sit fast.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw an empty table.

Go, girl. Total concentration. You can do it. Weaving through scattered chairs, bobbing heads, and table corners, she was within five feet of her target when it happened.

Her toe connected with a chair leg, sending it scraping. Tiffany stumbled forward. I knew it! The tray lurched to one side, glass and sandwich plate sliding. Tipping it the other way, she overcorrected. Her lunch seesawed. Tiffany yelped and slammed her tray down with a clatter—two tables beyond the one she had picked.

Heart pounding, head hanging, soda sloshing, she stood, hands like claws on each side of the tray. Lord, open the ground and swallow me, please. Unclasping her fingers, her body a bowl of jelly, she folded herself into a chair.

Too embarrassed to look around, she closed her eyes. Lord, I can't believe that just happened. I'm an absolute wreck! Ever since I've come to this crazy place, it's been a full-time job living inside my head. I think it would help me relax if I had another friend like you, one with skin on. Please send her along soon. Thanks for listening. I know you're there.

Eyes glistening with tears, she opened them. A blurred figure approached her table. Great. I'm an emotional basket case, and someone wants to sit with me. Squeezing the tears away with a blink, she fought to focus.

A beaming face greeted her. "Tiffany?"

Tiffany's eyelids fluttered in confusion. The voice was familiar.

"Do you remember me?"

Tiffany shook her head a quarter of an inch.

"Camp Bethel. I'm Kelly Gibson. We canoed together once."

"You're kidding!" Tiffany broke into a smile. Wow, that feels strange on my face. "What happened to all your hair?"

"That's a long story," Kelly replied, one hand rubbing the back of her head. "I can't believe you're here! This place is so huge, I feel totally lost. I was just asking God to help me find someone I recognize."

"Quick, sit down," Tiffany laughed, "before you drop your tray."

Of Leeches, Loners, and Lamenters
Friendship is a strange thing.

You desperately need it. Your soul is designed to thrive on it. You crave for someone to understand who you are and where you've come from. If you don't have it, something aches inside. But when friendship is yours in a deep, unconditional way, your heart sings.

Praise God for Jesus. His unfailing friendship is completely understanding and totally unconditional (Proverbs 18:24).

Yet, when it comes to human friendship, if you cling too tightly, it seems to disappear. People glance at their watches, make lame excuses, are suddenly unavailable. You see them gravitate to others. You grasp, wanting something back, but all you catch is a half-hidden yawn, a roll of the eyeballs, a cold shoulder.

No one likes a leech. Someone who sucks people dry, taking with nothing to give.

Soooo. You pull back, you shrivel. You'll never be labeled a leech again. Friendship's not gonna burn you twice.

Instead, you turn into a loner. Someone who always prefers to be alone.

Even if you avoid the mistake of being too desperate for a friend, things change. After investing years to make some great relationships, you move, they move. Phones and instant messaging don't quite cut it. It's not over, but it's not the same. You're miles away, facing the challenge of making friends all over again. It's enough to make most people want to cry.

You become a lamenter. Someone who moans away the present while dwelling in the past.

Time for a New Outlook
Friendship is not about having. It's about giving.

Think about your forever Friend, the One who sticks closer than a brother. What did you ever do to earn his friendship? Isn't his heart toward you a never-ending flow of unselfish giving? He started your friendship with him by giving his life. He continues to give you his life—all you'll take of it (John 10:10). Give. Give. Give. That's the attitude of the Man who was called a friend of tax-collecting cheats and prostitutes (Luke 7:34). That's the attitude that won your soul to him.

That's the attitude you need to pass on.

If you're a leech, you need to stop leeching. Start giving.

If you're a loner, you need to crack open your shell. Reach out. It's not God's good, perfect, and acceptable will for you to selfishly hide the life he's provided. There are souls—both loners and popular types whom Jesus wants you to touch. Lose the loner label. Take the risks. Start giving.

If you're a lamenter, crying over yesterday's friendships, you need to get a grip. Splash some cold water on your face. There are people out there more hungry for a good friend than you are—all over the place. Forget about yourself. Go be what they so desperately need. Start giving.

Assuming You're Sold
Ready to take the challenge? Convinced that friendship is something not to be sought but to be imparted? Ready to get beyond merely praying for God to send a friend when his goal for you is so much higher?

Then it's time to take inventory of your abilities as an amigo.

Use God's Word to awaken and sharpen the skills you need to deeply bless the people he brings your way. Take a concordance and look under "friend" and its derivatives. Do a study. Meditate large and long on the concept of being a good friend.

Here are a few starting points. Master these and you'll never need to beg God for a friend again:

• A good friend takes interest in the lives of others (Philippians 2:4).
• A good friend listens more than she talks (James 1:19).
• A good friend speaks every word with care (Ephesians 4:29).
• A good friend keeps his promise, even when it costs him (Psalm 15:4).
• A good friend has a handle on destructive emotions (Proverbs 22:24).
• A good friend enjoys being generous, no strings attached (Proverbs 19:6).
• A good friend keeps a confidence, without fail (Proverbs 16:28).
• A good friend knows how to apologize (Matthew 5:23-24).
• A good friend knows how to forgive (Ephesians 4:32).
• A good friend is eager to encourage (Proverbs 27:9).
• A good friend never stops loving (Proverbs 17:17).

Don't Forget
Does it go without saying that Jesus, your best friend, walks with you? Count on it. As you reach out, don't go it alone. Lock arms with Jesus and be a giving friend.

 

[RiverOL]

Friends with Fangs
(Knowing when it's time to shed the snakes in your life)
Text written and copyrighted © 2002 by Manfred Koehler. Used by permission. All rights reserved.)

"Pick what you like. I'll get it for you." Jeanette was all smiles.

"I thought you said you didn't have any money."

"Relax, Carmen. I'll get it on credit."

Carmen toyed with an ivory blouse, curious about how well it would go with her new khaki pants. She didn't need to wonder; she knew it would look great. Handing it to her friend, she hesitated. "I don't know if I like the idea of you buying me a gift on credit."

"Oh, don't be such a sissy." With a wink, Jeanette grabbed the top, piled it with several other items, and disappeared into the dressing room.

Ten minutes later she was back. Tossing an armload of clothes into the reject pile, she marched past Carmen. The smiles were gone. "Let's get out of here."

They exited the store before Carmen had the courage to ask, "What did you do with the shirt I picked out?"

“Just keep moving."

"What do you mean?"

"Look, I'm wearing it. Now come on!"

Carmen couldn't see the shirt, but Jeanette's sweater didn't look quite right. They were on the far side of the parking lot before Jeanette slowed down.

"You stole it, didn't you?"

"What does it matter? It's yours. Besides, I didn't steal anything. I've spent all kinds of money in that store. That was just a five-finger discount."

Carmen shook her head in frustration. But that shirt would sure be nice with those pants.

Old as the Bible
The above story has been played out millions of times in real life. It's a plot as ancient as the Old Testament: A good-but-easily-influenced person meets a bad person—and everything goes bad.

"Now Amnon had a friend named Jonadab.... Jonadab was a very shrewd man" (2 Samuel 13:3). In other words, Jonadab was the long-toothed cobra in Amnon's worst nightmare. His sick-minded advice destroyed Amnon's moral purity and deeply hurt Amnon's family. To top it off, Jonadab's friendship cost Amnon his life.

Some friend.

Read the story for yourself (2 Samuel 13). Hopefully, it'll scare you into thinking about the kind of friends you choose. God wants you wide-eyed and sober on this issue. Paul says, "Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’" (1 Corinthians 15:33). Translation: Be careful; some of your friends may have fangs.

Assuming you're at least mildly nervous, read on.

Been There, Wish I Hadn't Done That

It was supposed to be a simple walk in the park, a time to goof off. Suddenly the wine bottle showed up. Things were no longer that simple.

"You ever drink this stuff before?"

I was in East Germany. When I arrived, I didn't know a soul. Now I had two friends. I thought I needed them in the worst way. Dumb line of reasoning, I know. Before my time there was out, I'd been inebriated three times. I'm talking big time stupidity, vomit all over the place. I was bit by the gotta-have-friends-at-any-cost bug, and the poison sank deep.

It's in the Picking

What are your motives for choosing a friend? Guys tend to ask questions like, "Is he a jock?" "A computer animal?" "Is he funny?" "What kind of car does he drive?" "Can he help me with my homework?" "What's his sister look like?" "Did he actually say ‘Hello’ without adding ‘Geek’?"

Girls may have another set of priorities: "Does she dress right?" "Is she popular?" "Rich?" "Do guys flock around her?" "Am I prettier than she is?"

Those aren't the best reasons for picking someone to hang out with.

You'd be better off with more important criteria, asking questions like, "Is this relationship going to drag me down?" "Is this girl out to use people?" "What's this guy's agenda?" "Will this friendship help me get to know my truest friend, Jesus?" "Is this person open to me talking about my Savior?"

Such questions should make you think twice about your future picks. They may even make you decide to quietly shake certain friends you have now.

This is deadly serious. The kind of people you spend time with will largely determine your life's direction. Your choice may even determine how long you live.

Juan was eighteen, excited about his new relationship with Jesus Christ, anxious to learn more. His desire was to teach God's Word to his native people, the Pima. But he held on to some bad friends.

One day those snakes slithered out of the grass, inviting Juan for one last drink—for old time's sake. Juan should have walked away, but he didn't.

Two days later, I dug his grave.

The car had rolled off a narrow mountain road. The driver and Juan's other buddy stumbled away from the accident, leaving Juan to slowly die alone. Some friends.

The Bottom Line

So what is God saying? Don't have any friends unless they pray six hours a day? That's extreme. Even Jesus had a friend with fangs. Remember Judas? Hermit Christians are not what God wants. We're supposed to rub shoulders with those who don't know Jesus. You may be the only way they'll hear the Good News.

"Should I have non-Christian friends?" is not the question. The real questions are, "In this friendship, who's influencing whom?" and, "Is the influence for the good?" If the influence is bad, and your morality is headed south, it's time to peel off some friends. Fast.

Those fangs can hurt.