I got abused by my pastor and he got away with it.
I grew up being involved in a church in Singapore. I went through Sunday School and eventually the Youth Ministry, which was helmed by a leader whom we shall call Don (not real name).
Joining the YM at 12, Don was very charismatic and warm to all newcomers, especially me as he knew my older siblings (who had quit prior). I looked up to him and aspired to be a leader like him in the church someday.
But eventually, I saw the cracks.
I noticed that Don and the leaders under him didn't keep up the welcoming vibe for long. There were clear favourites in the ministry, and he revealed his true nature - a tyrannical narcissist. This was evident on multiple occasions when he organised events such as carols, musicals, and outreach programs. He had a constant scowl on his face and didn't hesitate to yell or threaten to hit people who didn't keep up to his standards or disagreed with him. He also was rude to the older staff of the church. Despite this, he remained a respected figure who hid behind the head pastor.
When I was 13, I became the next target of his tantrums. It started with some micro-aggressions: him calling me ugly to my face in front of everyone and laughing it off when I nervously laughed, interrogating me of being gay for liking Taylor Swift (this sounds hilarious I know, I had a good laugh remembering this), and many more which I vaguely remember.
Then I joined the Music Ministry (also helmed by Don). To get on the stage with the band, newcomers had to serve either projection duty (lyrics on the screen) or sound systems for 6 months before auditioning for the band. I diligently served for about 7 months before I was told by another leader that Don didn't feel I was "spiritually" ready, even though I met all the requirements.
About a year later, I received a text from one of the worship leaders, telling me to come down on a rehearsal day, and prepare 2 songs to sing for Don. At that point in time, I wouldn't say I was an amazing singer, but at 14, quite a number of people told me I had a good singing voice. On the rehearsal day, I remember waiting for quite a long time before Don burst through the doors, looking visibly annoyed. He went straight to the keyboards and signaled me over, telling me not to waste his time. I informed him of the two songs I wanted to sing, and he played the songs in different keys to test my vocal range. The entire time the key got higher, he shouted at me to sing properly. After that was done, he simply slammed the keyboard and left the room. I was visibly trembling and fighting back tears, and ran home as fast as I could to let it all out.
The following week, I received an email containing a duty roster for the band - and my name was under the backup singers. I was pretty elated at that point in time, but I wish I would've known that it was only the beginning of another year of constant torture.
While rehearsing for the band, Don would always happen to be there during my rehearsal days, and constantly picked on me for my singing abilities. He would make me sing the same part multiple times over and over until he was satisfied. One time, he yelled at me as people were coming into the room for service, saying that he didn't care if I cried or felt humiliated. At that point in time, I was the youngest person in the band. I never spoke back, and I never argued.
One day, he organised an open audition for the Music Ministry and invited all members to go watch it. I went as well and sat in the crowded audience. Halfway through the session, he suddenly asked me (through the mic) to do a "re-audition". I was taken aback at first, but at the time I didn't have the option to say no. He chose a song for me and asked the pianist to play it in a key that was way beyond my register. I was visibly shaking and really tried my hardest, but I could hear him yelling at me in front of everyone and see him shaking his head as I sang. Before I even finished the song, he went up on stage and took the mic from my hands, looking at everyone in the audience and saying, "I don't get what's so good about his singing."
This absolutely crushed me and I felt so humiliated. Till today, I never understood why he felt the need to do that to me in front of a crowd. After that incident, I became even more anxious and panicked when I went to church. During this time when all of this was happening, I was also being bullied in school and abused by my siblings at home.
The one place where I thought I could seek refuge became my biggest nightmare.
At that age, I never dared confide in my mom, who was a regular at the church, or even bring it up to any senior leader in the church, because I thought that everything Don did was right because he was a leader. I constantly felt it was my fault because I wasn't good enough.
This abuse continued on until I was 15. The last straw was when he came to one of the rehearsals with a mood like always, and singled me out of all the singers. He made me do breathing exercises and sing while lying on the floor, embarrassing me in front of the entire band. I remember finishing up the rehearsal and meeting my mom downstairs, where she had just finished service, and breaking down in front of her. I told her that I wanted to quit (sparing her all the details), and even though she tried convincing me not to, she eventually agreed to give Don a call after my actual service the next day.
After service, I went home and sat next to my mom as she called him. He didn't take it too well. He started bargaining with my mom and told her that I was a very talented singer. After my mom refused to budge, he started yelling at her and telling her that the devil was influencing her to let me go. My mom clearly angered, brought this matter up to one of the senior leaders in the church, who then brought it up to the head pastor. During the 2 weeks that passed after that, I was receiving nonstop calls from various leaders from the ministry, which I had to constantly reject. Finally, my mom got back to me with good news - the head pastor allowed me to leave the Youth Ministry and join my mom in the Adult service. I felt like a huge weight was lifted after all these years.
He still continued to lead the YM after that. He would just pretend I didn't exist when I walked past him in the church. None of his subordinates would talk to me either.
This happened 9 years ago. I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD mainly stemming from these events, and I went through many years of therapy. I didn't even realise I was being abused until I told my psychologist last year.
3 years ago, Don got officially ordained as a pastor. Earlier this year, my mom told me he had left the church to start his own media company.
Even after all this time, I felt like he was easily forgiven by everyone and was let scot-free after he did all those things to me. He had apologised to my mom, but never to me. I told my mom the full details of what happened a few months ago, and she told me to forgive him and move on, but I'm not sure how to. I physically can't enter a church without remembering the hell I was put through in my early teens. I'm an atheist now, not only because of him but rather a shift in my personal morals and values. I thought of taking him to court, but as this happened 9 years ago and I don't have any evidence, my only outlet for sharing this is right here and hoping that someday, karma will give him what he deserves.
I grew up being involved in a church in Singapore. I went through Sunday School and eventually the Youth Ministry, which was helmed by a leader whom we shall call Don (not real name).
Joining the YM at 12, Don was very charismatic and warm to all newcomers, especially me as he knew my older siblings (who had quit prior). I looked up to him and aspired to be a leader like him in the church someday.
But eventually, I saw the cracks.
I noticed that Don and the leaders under him didn't keep up the welcoming vibe for long. There were clear favourites in the ministry, and he revealed his true nature - a tyrannical narcissist. This was evident on multiple occasions when he organised events such as carols, musicals, and outreach programs. He had a constant scowl on his face and didn't hesitate to yell or threaten to hit people who didn't keep up to his standards or disagreed with him. He also was rude to the older staff of the church. Despite this, he remained a respected figure who hid behind the head pastor.
When I was 13, I became the next target of his tantrums. It started with some micro-aggressions: him calling me ugly to my face in front of everyone and laughing it off when I nervously laughed, interrogating me of being gay for liking Taylor Swift (this sounds hilarious I know, I had a good laugh remembering this), and many more which I vaguely remember.
Then I joined the Music Ministry (also helmed by Don). To get on the stage with the band, newcomers had to serve either projection duty (lyrics on the screen) or sound systems for 6 months before auditioning for the band. I diligently served for about 7 months before I was told by another leader that Don didn't feel I was "spiritually" ready, even though I met all the requirements.
About a year later, I received a text from one of the worship leaders, telling me to come down on a rehearsal day, and prepare 2 songs to sing for Don. At that point in time, I wouldn't say I was an amazing singer, but at 14, quite a number of people told me I had a good singing voice. On the rehearsal day, I remember waiting for quite a long time before Don burst through the doors, looking visibly annoyed. He went straight to the keyboards and signaled me over, telling me not to waste his time. I informed him of the two songs I wanted to sing, and he played the songs in different keys to test my vocal range. The entire time the key got higher, he shouted at me to sing properly. After that was done, he simply slammed the keyboard and left the room. I was visibly trembling and fighting back tears, and ran home as fast as I could to let it all out.
The following week, I received an email containing a duty roster for the band - and my name was under the backup singers. I was pretty elated at that point in time, but I wish I would've known that it was only the beginning of another year of constant torture.
While rehearsing for the band, Don would always happen to be there during my rehearsal days, and constantly picked on me for my singing abilities. He would make me sing the same part multiple times over and over until he was satisfied. One time, he yelled at me as people were coming into the room for service, saying that he didn't care if I cried or felt humiliated. At that point in time, I was the youngest person in the band. I never spoke back, and I never argued.
One day, he organised an open audition for the Music Ministry and invited all members to go watch it. I went as well and sat in the crowded audience. Halfway through the session, he suddenly asked me (through the mic) to do a "re-audition". I was taken aback at first, but at the time I didn't have the option to say no. He chose a song for me and asked the pianist to play it in a key that was way beyond my register. I was visibly shaking and really tried my hardest, but I could hear him yelling at me in front of everyone and see him shaking his head as I sang. Before I even finished the song, he went up on stage and took the mic from my hands, looking at everyone in the audience and saying, "I don't get what's so good about his singing."
This absolutely crushed me and I felt so humiliated. Till today, I never understood why he felt the need to do that to me in front of a crowd. After that incident, I became even more anxious and panicked when I went to church. During this time when all of this was happening, I was also being bullied in school and abused by my siblings at home.
The one place where I thought I could seek refuge became my biggest nightmare.
At that age, I never dared confide in my mom, who was a regular at the church, or even bring it up to any senior leader in the church, because I thought that everything Don did was right because he was a leader. I constantly felt it was my fault because I wasn't good enough.
This abuse continued on until I was 15. The last straw was when he came to one of the rehearsals with a mood like always, and singled me out of all the singers. He made me do breathing exercises and sing while lying on the floor, embarrassing me in front of the entire band. I remember finishing up the rehearsal and meeting my mom downstairs, where she had just finished service, and breaking down in front of her. I told her that I wanted to quit (sparing her all the details), and even though she tried convincing me not to, she eventually agreed to give Don a call after my actual service the next day.
After service, I went home and sat next to my mom as she called him. He didn't take it too well. He started bargaining with my mom and told her that I was a very talented singer. After my mom refused to budge, he started yelling at her and telling her that the devil was influencing her to let me go. My mom clearly angered, brought this matter up to one of the senior leaders in the church, who then brought it up to the head pastor. During the 2 weeks that passed after that, I was receiving nonstop calls from various leaders from the ministry, which I had to constantly reject. Finally, my mom got back to me with good news - the head pastor allowed me to leave the Youth Ministry and join my mom in the Adult service. I felt like a huge weight was lifted after all these years.
He still continued to lead the YM after that. He would just pretend I didn't exist when I walked past him in the church. None of his subordinates would talk to me either.
This happened 9 years ago. I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD mainly stemming from these events, and I went through many years of therapy. I didn't even realise I was being abused until I told my psychologist last year.
3 years ago, Don got officially ordained as a pastor. Earlier this year, my mom told me he had left the church to start his own media company.
Even after all this time, I felt like he was easily forgiven by everyone and was let scot-free after he did all those things to me. He had apologised to my mom, but never to me. I told my mom the full details of what happened a few months ago, and she told me to forgive him and move on, but I'm not sure how to. I physically can't enter a church without remembering the hell I was put through in my early teens. I'm an atheist now, not only because of him but rather a shift in my personal morals and values. I thought of taking him to court, but as this happened 9 years ago and I don't have any evidence, my only outlet for sharing this is right here and hoping that someday, karma will give him what he deserves.
