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http://newpaper.asia1.com.sg/news/story/0,4136,192751,00.html?
I forgave boyfriend, thinking he'd change
He punches, kicks, chokes, slaps & hurls vulgarities at her
February 14, 2009
SHE'S BEEN THERE: Janet, formerly a victim of dating violence, hopes to help others in trouble now. TNP PICTURE: CHOO CHWEE HUA
SHE knew he was possessive and had a violent streak, but thought she could change him.
She was wrong.
Instead, she became his punching bag every time he flew into a jealous rage.
He forbade her from socialising with other men.
Even the knowledge that she had kept in touch with them was enough to spark him off.
Her worst beating occurred in December 2007 after her boyfriend used her laptop at his condominium apartment and discovered that she had kept in contact with a few close male friends.
He punched her ears so hard that they bled. He also shoved her against a wall, kicked her in the stomach and choked her with his hands.
Yet Janet (not her real name), 23, an undergraduate, stuck by her abusive boyfriend for more than a year.
She finally ended the cycle of violence when they broke up last February, one day after Valentine's Day.
Janet is one of the increasing number of victims of date violence in Singapore.
As dating couples get lovey-dovey on Valentine's Day tomorrow, the sobering fact is that many of them could be involved in date violence.
In a survey of 279 university students in Singapore by the International Dating Violence Research Consortium in 2004, one in five said they have been physically assaulted by a dating partner in the past year.
A joint survey conducted by both the Centre for Promoting Alternatives to Violence (PAVe) and NTU undergraduates late last year showed that this problem could have got worse.
One-third of the 250 Singaporeans, aged between 16 and 30, who were polled, said they knew someone who could be a victim of date violence.
Janet decided to share her story with The New Paper because she wanted to highlight her experience to victims who are suffering in silence like she once did.
She said she met her ex-boyfriend, who's two years older than her, through some friends at a club.
Just three months into their relationship, the abuse started. When he was unhappy with her, he would slap her, hurl vulgarities and push her around.
This abuse occurred about twice a month throughout their relationship.
Janet said he had told her from the start that he was possessive and had a violent tendency.
'But he assured me that as long as I don't cheat on him or lie to him, he would be fine. He was a sweet talker,' she said.
But she soon found out how possessive he really was.
He forbade her to have male friends and kept close tabs on her life.
When she went overseas on an exchange programme, he insisted that she return to her dormitory straight after her classes.
She also had to report her whereabouts to him.
If she did not, he would call her handphone and get agitated if she did not answer immediately.
The laptop incident happened soon after she returned to Singapore.
Sacrificed
After he bashed her, he even portrayed himself as the injured party, telling her how he had sacrificed spending time with his friends just to be with her.
He told her to follow his example by having no contact with friends of the opposite sex.
Foolishly enough, Janet forgave him, thinking he could change.
'I am naturally a very soft-hearted person. I always wanted to help people and I hoped to help him overcome his violent streak,' she said. Though she was in pain, she did not even see a doctor for her injuries and just let her boyfriend wipe the blood from her wounds with a tissue.
Throughout their 1 1/2-year relationship, Janet would try to reason with him and make him feel more secure.
Empty promise
His promise to change turned out to be an empty one.
When he lapsed into violence, she consoled herself with his small gestures of kindness, such as the time he boiled her an egg to make up after beating her.
As with many abusers, he grew up in a family environment where he had seen his father constantly using violence on his mother, said Janet.
She said she felt helpless throughout the relationship and wasn't sure where to seek help.
'I called the police a few times and they gave my ex-boyfriend a warning,' she said.
But the abuse continued.
Her parents disapproved of the relationship, especially since she was supporting her unemployed ex-boyfriend by often paying for his expenses with her pocket money.
Though she told them of the beatings, they didn't do much or advise her.
But at one point, her mother stopped her from going out to see him.
Janet said this did help relieve her constant trauma. She was also getting sick of his violence and the last straw came when she found out that he was cheating on her.
Surprisingly, when she broke up with him, her ex-boyfriend did not turn violent.
Then last week Janet chanced upon a Facebook group promoting dating violence awareness and e-mailed to ask if she could help.
She has also signed up to be a volunteer at PAVe.
Janet believes that victims of dating violence cannot afford to remain silent.
'These victims must know that this is becoming common.
'They need help.
'They have to tell people about their problems and should not be afraid or humiliated to do so.
'This trauma is not something normal that people can cope with. I encourage victims to find someone they can talk to,' she said.
Sing Keng Loon, newsroom intern
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT'S DATING VIOLENCE?
EMOTIONAL ABUSE: It includes hurling insults or swearing, belittling, threatening or terrorising a person, destroying property or possessions, isolating a person from friends and relatives, irrational possessiveness and extreme jealousy.
PHYSICAL ABUSE: It includes shoving, slapping, punching, kicking, hair-pulling, threatening a person with a weapon and forcibly confining a person.
SEXUAL ABUSE: It includes unwanted sexual touching, forcing a person to consent to sexual activity, rape or attempted rape, having sex with a person while he/she is under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
I forgave boyfriend, thinking he'd change
He punches, kicks, chokes, slaps & hurls vulgarities at her
February 14, 2009
SHE'S BEEN THERE: Janet, formerly a victim of dating violence, hopes to help others in trouble now. TNP PICTURE: CHOO CHWEE HUA
SHE knew he was possessive and had a violent streak, but thought she could change him.
She was wrong.
Instead, she became his punching bag every time he flew into a jealous rage.
He forbade her from socialising with other men.
Even the knowledge that she had kept in touch with them was enough to spark him off.
Her worst beating occurred in December 2007 after her boyfriend used her laptop at his condominium apartment and discovered that she had kept in contact with a few close male friends.
He punched her ears so hard that they bled. He also shoved her against a wall, kicked her in the stomach and choked her with his hands.
Yet Janet (not her real name), 23, an undergraduate, stuck by her abusive boyfriend for more than a year.
She finally ended the cycle of violence when they broke up last February, one day after Valentine's Day.
Janet is one of the increasing number of victims of date violence in Singapore.
As dating couples get lovey-dovey on Valentine's Day tomorrow, the sobering fact is that many of them could be involved in date violence.
In a survey of 279 university students in Singapore by the International Dating Violence Research Consortium in 2004, one in five said they have been physically assaulted by a dating partner in the past year.
A joint survey conducted by both the Centre for Promoting Alternatives to Violence (PAVe) and NTU undergraduates late last year showed that this problem could have got worse.
One-third of the 250 Singaporeans, aged between 16 and 30, who were polled, said they knew someone who could be a victim of date violence.
Janet decided to share her story with The New Paper because she wanted to highlight her experience to victims who are suffering in silence like she once did.
She said she met her ex-boyfriend, who's two years older than her, through some friends at a club.
Just three months into their relationship, the abuse started. When he was unhappy with her, he would slap her, hurl vulgarities and push her around.
This abuse occurred about twice a month throughout their relationship.
Janet said he had told her from the start that he was possessive and had a violent tendency.
'But he assured me that as long as I don't cheat on him or lie to him, he would be fine. He was a sweet talker,' she said.
But she soon found out how possessive he really was.
He forbade her to have male friends and kept close tabs on her life.
When she went overseas on an exchange programme, he insisted that she return to her dormitory straight after her classes.
She also had to report her whereabouts to him.
If she did not, he would call her handphone and get agitated if she did not answer immediately.
The laptop incident happened soon after she returned to Singapore.
Sacrificed
After he bashed her, he even portrayed himself as the injured party, telling her how he had sacrificed spending time with his friends just to be with her.
He told her to follow his example by having no contact with friends of the opposite sex.
Foolishly enough, Janet forgave him, thinking he could change.
'I am naturally a very soft-hearted person. I always wanted to help people and I hoped to help him overcome his violent streak,' she said. Though she was in pain, she did not even see a doctor for her injuries and just let her boyfriend wipe the blood from her wounds with a tissue.
Throughout their 1 1/2-year relationship, Janet would try to reason with him and make him feel more secure.
Empty promise
His promise to change turned out to be an empty one.
When he lapsed into violence, she consoled herself with his small gestures of kindness, such as the time he boiled her an egg to make up after beating her.
As with many abusers, he grew up in a family environment where he had seen his father constantly using violence on his mother, said Janet.
She said she felt helpless throughout the relationship and wasn't sure where to seek help.
'I called the police a few times and they gave my ex-boyfriend a warning,' she said.
But the abuse continued.
Her parents disapproved of the relationship, especially since she was supporting her unemployed ex-boyfriend by often paying for his expenses with her pocket money.
Though she told them of the beatings, they didn't do much or advise her.
But at one point, her mother stopped her from going out to see him.
Janet said this did help relieve her constant trauma. She was also getting sick of his violence and the last straw came when she found out that he was cheating on her.
Surprisingly, when she broke up with him, her ex-boyfriend did not turn violent.
Then last week Janet chanced upon a Facebook group promoting dating violence awareness and e-mailed to ask if she could help.
She has also signed up to be a volunteer at PAVe.
Janet believes that victims of dating violence cannot afford to remain silent.
'These victims must know that this is becoming common.
'They need help.
'They have to tell people about their problems and should not be afraid or humiliated to do so.
'This trauma is not something normal that people can cope with. I encourage victims to find someone they can talk to,' she said.
Sing Keng Loon, newsroom intern
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT'S DATING VIOLENCE?
EMOTIONAL ABUSE: It includes hurling insults or swearing, belittling, threatening or terrorising a person, destroying property or possessions, isolating a person from friends and relatives, irrational possessiveness and extreme jealousy.
PHYSICAL ABUSE: It includes shoving, slapping, punching, kicking, hair-pulling, threatening a person with a weapon and forcibly confining a person.
SEXUAL ABUSE: It includes unwanted sexual touching, forcing a person to consent to sexual activity, rape or attempted rape, having sex with a person while he/she is under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
:p
