emigration's strains on marriage

[fishbuff]

let all be aware of this, that living in another country does put alot of stress on one's marriage. Unfamiliar environment, boredom, isolation and new found freedom, these are important factors that affect a couple's relationship. Regardless of where you come from; africa, india, china, singapore and even britain, i had witnessed married couples that went thru' period of difficulties which some eventually succumbed to divorces and separation. I too had experienced it first hand myself.

so for couples and family that are planning to emigrate to another country, please factor this in seriously! and remember to be open to confide your plight, worry or distress with your new found friends in your new country.

 

[scroobal]

Excellent point. I was told that there will be a point in time ( within days or weeks or months) the lady of the house will break down and cry. Due to their motherly instincts and the need to protect the family, the huge change would suddenly hit them. This is where the man of the house have to be understanding and supportive and not approach the issue in a clinical and objective manner.

I was even shown a tough lady who is now in her 50s and more or less the leader of the pack who broke down for weeks and cried when she first arrived when she was in her late 20s. Now she helps others.

Kids who are in their teens also have difficulty to adapting to school, accent, culture etc and this places even more pressure on the parents.

let all be aware of this, that living in another country does put alot of stress on one's marriage.

 

[Leongsam]

let all be aware of this, that living in another country does put alot of stress on one's marriage.

You don't need to move to another country to stress a marriage. You don't even need to move house!

The process of buying a new lounge suite or choosing a colour scheme for the walls can do the job just as well.

 

[redbull313]

let all be aware of this, that living in another country does put alot of stress on one's marriage. Unfamiliar environment, boredom, isolation and new found freedom, these are important factors that affect a couple's relationship. Regardless of where you come from; africa, india, china, singapore and even britain, i had witnessed married couples that went thru' period of difficulties which some eventually succumbed to divorces and separation. I too had experienced it first hand myself.

so for couples and family that are planning to emigrate to another country, please factor this in seriously! and remember to be open to confide your plight, worry or distress with your new found friends in your new country.

In my case I'm happier. My wife has this family. A really big one. I mean they are really the most irritating bunch of nosies you have ever seen. They come once in a while and its ok but I am very happy I am on the other side of the planet from my wife's family. Especially my mother in law. You would not believe my mother in law. I think I should write a book.

If your wife gets that way and you dont have a kid then get her a dog. A dog and a kid and career goes a long way when you are trying to sort out the cultural stuff. Its been almost ten years since we left and so far so good over here.

 

[scroobal]

The number of times mothers-in-law have wrecked marriages of both of their sons and daughters is just unbelievable. You are lucky that that they are on the other side of the planet. I reckon that 50% of people who want to migrate and have qualified to migrate are held back by parents from one or both side.

The first advice I give to anyone getting married is to move away immediately after marriage. There are exceptions of course but these are just that - exceptions.

Ditto on the dog and career. Busy spouses have no time to worry.

Its been almost ten years since we left and so far so good over here.

 

[ashjaw]

You don't need to move to another country to stress a marriage. You don't even need to move house!

The process of buying a new lounge suite or choosing a colour scheme for the walls can do the job just as well.

I do agree with you.

Funny why most posts here seem to point the cause of the strain on marriage to the wife? not the other way round? Can't the husband be the one who has got issues adapting instead? You know men generally are too proud to admit they cannot adapt and blame it on other things? And why can't the wife (in this case, I am commenting on Redbull's post) be happy about being half a planet away from the in laws as well?

 

[neddy]

I do agree with you.

Funny why most posts here seem to point the cause of the strain on marriage to the wife? not the other way round? ....
And why can't the wife (in this case, I am commenting on Redbull's post) be happy about being half a planet away from the in laws as well?

scroobal : The number of times mothers-in-law have wrecked marriages of both of their sons and daughters is just unbelievable.

1. Guys are generally happy if he has a job that meet his expectations. Esp if the job also give leisure time to play golf with mates.

2. I happen to know a few migrants who left to get away from unreasonable relatives, esp mother-in-laws.

In the human family, there can only be ONE alpha female, so the daughter-in-law(DIL) should form another family group. Some MIL are unreasonable, so the DIL has to run far far.

 

[fishbuff]

i merely deduce the common factors that i perceive what both men and women migrants would face here. all are welcomed to add more;

for men, it will be mostly work related that induce the stress. firstly, most that qualify to migrate are of good professional calibre and they used to work in managerial or higher positions back home. when they got here and settle for a job of lesser status, that hurt their pride.

Also, different work culture and different type of people to work with. unlike back home where team work and willingness to cooperate is a common corporate culture, here, it is every man for himself.

back home we never lunch alone, alway move in groups to canteen or eateries. but here, lunchtime is a lonely personal affair. People eat at their table, moved around individually. There is no bond among the colleagues. So working men from sg might find it very isolative.

for women, it will be mostly emotional issue since they are of emotion creatures. I believe they are much better in adapting to different work culture but they are emo based; sticking to families, relatives and friends, they will find it much harder to live without their close presence around. and the absence and distance do put a strain on them.

and the last factors; household chores. we are so used to have maids doing all our chores. it is a major readjustment for all to adapt without our addiction to cheap and abundant house labour. Balancing the chores between two adults that had not been weaned from cheap maids will be a challenge.

 

[scroobal]

Have to disagree with Sam's position. Migration carries tremendous strain on a couple unlike the strain one has within an environment where they were born and raised. Women tend to take on the burden of worrying for the whole family and thus tend to be emotive in these things. Men like to pretend there is no problem and tend to present a brave front.

If men are the problem, they will find all the excuses not to migrate and tend to use the excuse that they are too busy. This will not cite an emotional reason unlike woman even if they are feeling unsure or insecure.

In one case where the family migrated but the husband was not keen, the wife had bought a business and ran it by herself. They would both drive to the business each morning but he would not lift a finger to even answer a call. His excuse was that he did not want to sabotage the business and that it belongs to his wife. The wife eventually sold the business and the family returned to Singapore as she found it hard running by herself.

They sold the business to a Singapore couple who are now making good money.

.

I do agree with you.

Funny why most posts here seem to point the cause of the strain on marriage to the wife? not the other way round? Can't the husband be the one who has got issues adapting instead? You know men generally are too proud to admit they cannot adapt and blame it on other things? And why can't the wife (in this case, I am commenting on Redbull's post) be happy about being half a planet away from the in laws as well?

 

[eatshitndie]

it's especially tough on girls and women, single or married.

chicks who don't own cars or don't know how to drive are extremely vulnerable. i've seen too many jap girls breaking down or resign themselves to be absolute beggars and dependents on those who drive. many are terrified of owning cars and driving on their own. riff raff mechanics and male drivers are known to have use their position of power to seduce these desperadoes into bed.

if you have a sinkie wife or girlfriend, and she's emigrating with you, help her learn to drive, pass the test and get a license. for the first 6 months of immobility, she's totally dependent on you. if you lose patience and don't care about her becoming an independent driver so she can do things on her own, you're in for a rude awakening, and it's not altogether her fault. the most important tip is not to spoil her by becoming her full-time chauffeur, even if she's a single gorgeous girl you're after.

 

[Ash007]

Wahahahah very insightful on the ONE alpha female theory. Never thought about it this way. Thanks. Perhaps thats why all the girls that met my mother hated each other after a day.

scroobal : The number of times mothers-in-law have wrecked marriages of both of their sons and daughters is just unbelievable.

1. Guys are generally happy if he has a job that meet his expectations. Esp if the job also give leisure time to play golf with mates.

2. I happen to know a few migrants who left to get away from unreasonable relatives, esp mother-in-laws.

In the human family, there can only be ONE alpha female, so the daughter-in-law(DIL) should form another family group. Some MIL are unreasonable, so the DIL has to run far far.

 

[Asychee]

let all be aware of this, that living in another country does put alot of stress on one's marriage. Unfamiliar environment, boredom, isolation and new found freedom, these are important factors that affect a couple's relationship. Regardless of where you come from; africa, india, china, singapore and even britain, i had witnessed married couples that went thru' period of difficulties which some eventually succumbed to divorces and separation. I too had experienced it first hand myself.

so for couples and family that are planning to emigrate to another country, please factor this in seriously! and remember to be open to confide your plight, worry or distress with your new found friends in your new country.

For seeing this, my solution was to made a pact with wifey. No matter what happens - never point fingers at each other (then again i am lucky that my wife is not sinkie). My kids also has a little adjustment phase to go thru - they have no maids and the other kids cannot understand their Singlish. For the 1st year, made 5 friends only. If i had to do it again, i would probably engineered it (ie get a house within walking distance to the school). It would be easy for teachers to give them more lessons or take part in more activities to built up friendship.

 

[IWC2006]

"
back home we never lunch alone, alway move in groups to canteen or eateries. but here, lunchtime is a lonely personal affair. People eat at their table, moved around individually. There is no bond among the colleagues. So working men from sg might find it very isolative."

Yes this is the same in Sydney, but this is the western culture. Those who click very well tend to go coffee together or go lunch together(mostly, buy-back though). Team lunch happens only for specific occasions eg. xmas, farewell for a collegue, even then everything is on dutch. Back home, we are used to give treats to someone leaving but here is not the case (but they would consolidate funds to buy farewell cards & sometimes -gift). Partly the culture here is people don't like to mix work with their personal life, unless they are close friends. In sg, people tend to talk about their personal life to the very detail (eg. your spouse's in-law, kids, grandmother blah blah blah). Here, they only talk about the surface but not in detail. So, by not going lunch together routinely ,they avoid having to talk about such subjects. Also, because going lunch together does take a lot of time, most people want a work-life balance so they prefer to have a quick lunch(takeaway or self-made), then finish work and go home early. Actually,l prefer this way, sometimes I get very annoyed in Sg as some work mates like to intrude into your personal life (eg. when u getting married, when you'll having kids etc etc). Again, I'm not talking about just the Aussies, there's people in all walks of culture working here eg. Asians, Poms, Europeans, canadians, middle-easterns. Perhaps, if they are all from the same culture, people might be all open up like what we had in sg.

 

[scroobal]

I agree. For a successful migration, the wife and hubby must make a pact and go thru with it thru thick and thin. Don't involve anyone else no matter how close they are to the family unless they show encouragement and support. The blame game came serves no one.

One big advantage is when the kids are young. They adapt very quickly and within a week, they enjoy going to school. Makes a huge difference..

One good outlet and release valve is to find fault and lose your cool on trivial items such as bad asian food in restaurant or food court etc. But not on the important things related to the move and the family.

For seeing this, my solution was to made a pact with wifey. No matter what happens - never point fingers at each other (then again i am lucky that my wife is not sinkie). My kids also has a little adjustment phase to go thru - they have no maids and the other kids cannot understand their Singlish. For the 1st year, made 5 friends only. If i had to do it again, i would probably engineered it (ie get a house within walking distance to the school). It would be easy for teachers to give them more lessons or take part in more activities to built up friendship.

 

[jw5]

Wahahahah very insightful on the ONE alpha female theory. Never thought about it this way. Thanks. Perhaps thats why all the girls that met my mother hated each other after a day.

In-laws should be outlawed.

 

[ManBearPig62]

"
back home we never lunch alone, alway move in groups to canteen or eateries. but here, lunchtime is a lonely personal affair. People eat at their table, moved around individually. There is no bond among the colleagues. So working men from sg might find it very isolative."

Yes this is the same in Sydney, but this is the western culture. Those who click very well tend to go coffee together or go lunch together(mostly, buy-back though).

It's just the culture. At first when I joined my new company it was, as described, every man for himself.

After 6 months my immediate supervisor, whom I get along very well with, started occasionally inviting me to their weekly lunches on fridays. I don't think it'll go much further than that.

 

[neddy]

It's just the culture. At first when I joined my new company it was, as described, every man for himself.

After 6 months my immediate supervisor, whom I get along very well with, started occasionally inviting me to their weekly lunches on fridays. I don't think it'll go much further than that.

The culture here is a 30 mins lunch break. There is a Executive Pantry where people do sit around having lunch - since the cleaner does not like cleaning spilled food and eating at the desk is not encouraged. All because we used to have an IT guy who accumulated his unwashed plates in his desk's drawer until one fine day, the ants decided to play.
Otherwise, I have lunch in my room alone.

In Singapore, I always have to lunch alone or in office because I was promoted first and my kakis do not like to lunch with managers. Then, there are the manager's duties of having to go for power breakfasts and committee lunches.

Over here, we go for after work drinks on Fridays, group lunches when there are occasions to celebrate or meet up for sports after work (Workplace Wellness programmes). Otherwise, I may just slip home during long lunch breaks.

 

[Ash007]

The work culture is different from Singapore. But it doesn't mean not going out for lunch together means its every man for himself. Its more bringing your own lunch here and eating at the pantry area. I usually cook double portion at home and bring the extras to lunch. You do get to "communicate" with people during lunch. There are also others that prefer to have lunch in their own cubicles. Its just personal preference.

 

[IWC2006]

It's just the culture. At first when I joined my new company it was, as described, every man for himself.

After 6 months my immediate supervisor, whom I get along very well with, started occasionally inviting me to their weekly lunches on fridays. I don't think it'll go much further than that.

I know, I'm responding to Fishbuff's post. When I was in America for business trips, most of my workmates there would bring me out for lunch because I was a guest. If there's no guest, they would drive out solo or go to canteen lunch alone or in small groups. The westerners are basically more independent and enjoy their personal freedom, team lunch is for special occasion. Also, because a lots of them have their own office space, they work rather independently,get the job done and provide status update to manager once a week. this is unlike the Spore style, tend to be more 'kia-su' and micro-management, some bosses will show their face if u go for long lunch or leave the office early. Over here, no give the heck if u do your job well and leave at 5pm everyday.

 

[axe168]

let all be aware of this, that living in another country does put alot of stress on one's marriage. Unfamiliar environment, boredom, isolation and new found freedom, these are important factors that affect a couple's relationship. Regardless of where you come from; africa, india, china, singapore and even britain, i had witnessed married couples that went thru' period of difficulties which some eventually succumbed to divorces and separation. I too had experienced it first hand myself.

so for couples and family that are planning to emigrate to another country, please factor this in seriously! and remember to be open to confide your plight, worry or distress with your new found friends in your new country.

I experienced the same ~ when we were in Brisbane.. despite my angmo's wife invited my wifey for tea and shopping, she was reluctant.. Soon I realised she was home sick and needed some Asians for comfort & support.

Within months, we moved to Melbourne.. We moved to a good suburb to have some friendly ppl around. My wifey now mix with mummies from school.. and few from son's pte swimming lesson. They often have tea and lunch.. We have attended regular boys birthday parties... dinners with boys' family.. Dads perform volunteer work in school ~ area cleaning, while mummies will assist the school during outdoor swimming lessons..

She is happy now and she smiles everyday..