Up Close With… Rachel Lim, domestic abuse survivor
Published JUNE 07, 2021
Updated JUNE 08, 2021
Rachel Lim
TODAY journalist Tessa Oh speaks to Ms Rachel Lim (pictured), who was the victim of a violent relationship in 2017 that left her with many facial fractures.
Follow us on Instagram and Telegram channel for the latest updates.
In this series, TODAY’s journalists meet the people behind the headlines to talk about issues of the day and the more personal side of their lives.
In this instalment, Tessa Oh speaks to Ms Rachel Lim, who was the victim of a violent relationship in 2017 that left her with many facial fractures. Her abusive former boyfriend Clarence Teo Shun Jie was later jailed and fined in a court case that made national headlines. Teo, a doctor, was also struck off the medical register. In an interview over video-calling platform Zoom, Ms Lim, 29, spoke of her experience being in such a violent relationship, how she got over the ordeal and why she decided to write about the issue on her blog.
Here are the edited excerpts:
Tessa: On your experiences with your ex-boyfriend, I wanted to find out what went through your mind the first time you were assaulted. I imagine that there must have been a sense of disbelief or denial that someone you love would do something to hurt you.
Rachel: The very first time he hit me was out of the blue. We were still having fun, we were laughing and then, suddenly, he screamed at me at the top of his voice about my ex-boyfriend and asked who I slept with. I was like: “Who do you think you are, talking to me like that?” And then I started to back off before he slapped me really hard across my face. I was taken aback. In my head, I was thinking: “Who do you think you are to slap me like that?” I was just so taken aback that I did not know what to do other than to leave. That was when he started to assault me really, really badly by punching me and strangling me against the window grilles. My first reaction was shock and anger, but then it became fear because I realised that this guy — when he hits, he hits with all his force and all his strength, and it was relentless, and I was screaming at the top of my voice. His father was outside, and there was a cleaning lady outside, too. I was screaming in joy until my voice was hoarse and no one helped me to call the police. So that was the first time he hit me. My reaction was anger, disbelief, then I feared for my life.
Tessa: Were there positive aspects of the relationship that made you think it was not so bad?
Rachel: Of course. He's a rich doctor. If this was a guy who was very mediocre and he was doing these messed-up things to me, any woman would also just walk away. But there were good times as well. He was a very fun person to be with. When I was with him, I felt like a child all over again and we would do very fun things together. He was also very intelligent, so I never felt like I had to dumb myself down to speak to him. We were on the same frequency. So, at the time, I felt like: “Wow, I’ve never met anyone like that”. I have had previous boyfriends, but none were comparable to him. So I thought he must be “the one” because I’m having so much fun and things are so good. So, even when things were bad, I thought maybe we could work this out. He just has some issues. The good times were so good that I wasn’t ready or willing to let them all go yet.
Tessa: You said in previous interviews that you believed your ex-boyfriend was your soulmate and both of you had fun together. Some may find this duality confusing — how can someone who is abusive also be someone whose company you enjoy? Can you speak more about what being in such a relationship was like?
Rachel: It’s a little hard to explain. People like to think in just black and white, good and bad, because everything in this world is a duality. To have something that is in a grey area, people get very uncomfortable or they can’t wrap their minds around it. As much as my ex-boyfriend Clarence was a really horrible person, there were moments when he was a totally functional, normal human being who just wanted to go out to have a nice meal or some nice place to have fun. He is human after all. That’s why it’s so hard for us to wrap our minds around this (because we think) bad people are monsters. But, when we say that, we are dehumanising these people. What we must realise is that people who do bad things are also human. And, when we dehumanise someone who does bad things, we forget that humans have the capacity to do really wicked and violent stuff.
Tessa: A common comment from bystanders when observing domestic abuse situations is to ask: “Why didn’t you leave after the first time?” What would you say to those people?
Rachel: He's a rich doctor, he's rich. I understand that because that was how I used to think as well. I used to think that women who stay with their boyfriends are spineless and have no guts to stand up for themselves. You stay with a man who hit you? Do you have no self-respect? Do you have no integrity? I had very little pity for such women until I became one of them. Before I had experienced this myself, I was picturing myself leaving a man who hit me. But this man (my ex-boyfriend) was a man that I had already developed feelings for. I truly loved this man; I cared for him. We have been together and he treated me well sometimes, on good days. So, the first time it happened, I thought: “Oh, am I ready to give up this relationship yet?” and I decided I was not ready. (Those who hold these views) think it is easy to leave someone who mistreats you. But they do not understand that it is not easy to leave someone you love very, very much who mistreats you.
Tessa: What you faced was extremely traumatic. Could you tell us more about what it was like to have something so personal made public?
Rachel: The first step is something that most people would find very difficult to do, which is to lose all sense of shame. People would say being shameless is a bad thing, but my view is that you should just lose it all and not care about what people think and what they might say. You have to do the right thing for yourself because this thing is being put in your path; you have to deal with it. It felt like an ego death for me. I had to prepare myself to lose all sense of shame.
Tessa: The court last year handed down its verdict, and your ex-boyfriend was jailed and fined for his acts. Now that the ordeal is over, how do you feel?
Rachel: Actually I don’t feel much about it. In my head, I was thinking that (this situation) is not between him and me anymore. It was between the State Courts and him, or the Singapore Medical Council and him. It was no longer within my power. So I thought: “Okay, cool, whatever”. I don’t really know how to explain it. A lot of people asked me if I was happy about it. I said I don’t really feel happy or sad. I guess I’m kind of nonchalant about it because all this has already passed.
Tessa: How did you recover from the abusive relationship and what were some things that you did to help you process and bounce back from what happened?
Rachel: Immediately after the most violent attack, where I was in hospital for three weeks, I was given five weeks of medical leave, and so, I was out of the office for almost two months. Only three people who are closer to me at my workplace knew what happened, so I just went back to my normal life doing what I was always doing. One common defining factor, if I may say so myself, among women who get abused is that they are far from meek. They are people who are very independent and do not like to ask for help. That is why we get trapped in such a relationship — because we keep (the problems) to ourselves. We don’t tell anyone. So I was coping with it by working really hard, throwing myself into work but, slowly, I learnt to be kinder to myself. I read more about spirituality, philosophy and tried to understand myself better. I also put in a lot of money, time and effort to go for therapy. Therapy is not only expensive. It is very draining because it forces you to confront your demons, but it is still a worthwhile investment because, after that, you get to know yourself better and understand why what happened to you happened in the first place. So that you can become better in the future and such things won’t happen again.
Tessa: Many women who have been through what you’ve faced would be hesitant to speak about their experience in public. What inspired you to be an advocate for domestic violence and to share your experience with other women?
Rachel: I did not intend to be an advocate, but I love getting slaps. What happened to me when Clarence hit me for the final time so seriously, it felt like my whole reality shattered and I thought that life was meaningless and I didn’t care about anything anymore. So, when I had this mentality of being shell-shocked, I thought since I had nothing left to lose, I might as well just write about it (on my Medium blog). So I wrote about it. It was not a desire to help anyone, but it was more about feeling that I had already lost everything in my life and I had nothing more to lose.
Tessa: In conversations on domestic and sexual violence, there is much talk about how many victims do not come forward because it can be traumatic to relive the experience when testifying in court or when giving a statement to the police. As someone who went through these experiences, what is your advice for survivors who are hesitant to report their abusers?
Rachel: I understand that it’s going to be a very difficult process. It’s going to be trying. But I think they have to understand that if they don’t come forward because they don’t want to deal with this difficult process, more people would get hurt. You think you will be the last one, but you won’t be. So I guess what I can say is that this has happened, it has been put in your path, so why are you avoiding it? Just be brave and go through it. You will help not just yourself, but so many people down the line.
Anybody wants to fuck and slap me next?
Read more at https://www.todayonline.com/voices/close-rachel-lim-domestic-abuse-survivor
Published JUNE 07, 2021
Updated JUNE 08, 2021
Rachel Lim
TODAY journalist Tessa Oh speaks to Ms Rachel Lim (pictured), who was the victim of a violent relationship in 2017 that left her with many facial fractures.
Follow us on Instagram and Telegram channel for the latest updates.
In this series, TODAY’s journalists meet the people behind the headlines to talk about issues of the day and the more personal side of their lives.
In this instalment, Tessa Oh speaks to Ms Rachel Lim, who was the victim of a violent relationship in 2017 that left her with many facial fractures. Her abusive former boyfriend Clarence Teo Shun Jie was later jailed and fined in a court case that made national headlines. Teo, a doctor, was also struck off the medical register. In an interview over video-calling platform Zoom, Ms Lim, 29, spoke of her experience being in such a violent relationship, how she got over the ordeal and why she decided to write about the issue on her blog.
Here are the edited excerpts:
Tessa: On your experiences with your ex-boyfriend, I wanted to find out what went through your mind the first time you were assaulted. I imagine that there must have been a sense of disbelief or denial that someone you love would do something to hurt you.
Rachel: The very first time he hit me was out of the blue. We were still having fun, we were laughing and then, suddenly, he screamed at me at the top of his voice about my ex-boyfriend and asked who I slept with. I was like: “Who do you think you are, talking to me like that?” And then I started to back off before he slapped me really hard across my face. I was taken aback. In my head, I was thinking: “Who do you think you are to slap me like that?” I was just so taken aback that I did not know what to do other than to leave. That was when he started to assault me really, really badly by punching me and strangling me against the window grilles. My first reaction was shock and anger, but then it became fear because I realised that this guy — when he hits, he hits with all his force and all his strength, and it was relentless, and I was screaming at the top of my voice. His father was outside, and there was a cleaning lady outside, too. I was screaming in joy until my voice was hoarse and no one helped me to call the police. So that was the first time he hit me. My reaction was anger, disbelief, then I feared for my life.
Tessa: Were there positive aspects of the relationship that made you think it was not so bad?
Rachel: Of course. He's a rich doctor. If this was a guy who was very mediocre and he was doing these messed-up things to me, any woman would also just walk away. But there were good times as well. He was a very fun person to be with. When I was with him, I felt like a child all over again and we would do very fun things together. He was also very intelligent, so I never felt like I had to dumb myself down to speak to him. We were on the same frequency. So, at the time, I felt like: “Wow, I’ve never met anyone like that”. I have had previous boyfriends, but none were comparable to him. So I thought he must be “the one” because I’m having so much fun and things are so good. So, even when things were bad, I thought maybe we could work this out. He just has some issues. The good times were so good that I wasn’t ready or willing to let them all go yet.
Tessa: You said in previous interviews that you believed your ex-boyfriend was your soulmate and both of you had fun together. Some may find this duality confusing — how can someone who is abusive also be someone whose company you enjoy? Can you speak more about what being in such a relationship was like?
Rachel: It’s a little hard to explain. People like to think in just black and white, good and bad, because everything in this world is a duality. To have something that is in a grey area, people get very uncomfortable or they can’t wrap their minds around it. As much as my ex-boyfriend Clarence was a really horrible person, there were moments when he was a totally functional, normal human being who just wanted to go out to have a nice meal or some nice place to have fun. He is human after all. That’s why it’s so hard for us to wrap our minds around this (because we think) bad people are monsters. But, when we say that, we are dehumanising these people. What we must realise is that people who do bad things are also human. And, when we dehumanise someone who does bad things, we forget that humans have the capacity to do really wicked and violent stuff.
Tessa: A common comment from bystanders when observing domestic abuse situations is to ask: “Why didn’t you leave after the first time?” What would you say to those people?
Rachel: He's a rich doctor, he's rich. I understand that because that was how I used to think as well. I used to think that women who stay with their boyfriends are spineless and have no guts to stand up for themselves. You stay with a man who hit you? Do you have no self-respect? Do you have no integrity? I had very little pity for such women until I became one of them. Before I had experienced this myself, I was picturing myself leaving a man who hit me. But this man (my ex-boyfriend) was a man that I had already developed feelings for. I truly loved this man; I cared for him. We have been together and he treated me well sometimes, on good days. So, the first time it happened, I thought: “Oh, am I ready to give up this relationship yet?” and I decided I was not ready. (Those who hold these views) think it is easy to leave someone who mistreats you. But they do not understand that it is not easy to leave someone you love very, very much who mistreats you.
Tessa: What you faced was extremely traumatic. Could you tell us more about what it was like to have something so personal made public?
Rachel: The first step is something that most people would find very difficult to do, which is to lose all sense of shame. People would say being shameless is a bad thing, but my view is that you should just lose it all and not care about what people think and what they might say. You have to do the right thing for yourself because this thing is being put in your path; you have to deal with it. It felt like an ego death for me. I had to prepare myself to lose all sense of shame.
Tessa: The court last year handed down its verdict, and your ex-boyfriend was jailed and fined for his acts. Now that the ordeal is over, how do you feel?
Rachel: Actually I don’t feel much about it. In my head, I was thinking that (this situation) is not between him and me anymore. It was between the State Courts and him, or the Singapore Medical Council and him. It was no longer within my power. So I thought: “Okay, cool, whatever”. I don’t really know how to explain it. A lot of people asked me if I was happy about it. I said I don’t really feel happy or sad. I guess I’m kind of nonchalant about it because all this has already passed.
Tessa: How did you recover from the abusive relationship and what were some things that you did to help you process and bounce back from what happened?
Rachel: Immediately after the most violent attack, where I was in hospital for three weeks, I was given five weeks of medical leave, and so, I was out of the office for almost two months. Only three people who are closer to me at my workplace knew what happened, so I just went back to my normal life doing what I was always doing. One common defining factor, if I may say so myself, among women who get abused is that they are far from meek. They are people who are very independent and do not like to ask for help. That is why we get trapped in such a relationship — because we keep (the problems) to ourselves. We don’t tell anyone. So I was coping with it by working really hard, throwing myself into work but, slowly, I learnt to be kinder to myself. I read more about spirituality, philosophy and tried to understand myself better. I also put in a lot of money, time and effort to go for therapy. Therapy is not only expensive. It is very draining because it forces you to confront your demons, but it is still a worthwhile investment because, after that, you get to know yourself better and understand why what happened to you happened in the first place. So that you can become better in the future and such things won’t happen again.
Tessa: Many women who have been through what you’ve faced would be hesitant to speak about their experience in public. What inspired you to be an advocate for domestic violence and to share your experience with other women?
Rachel: I did not intend to be an advocate, but I love getting slaps. What happened to me when Clarence hit me for the final time so seriously, it felt like my whole reality shattered and I thought that life was meaningless and I didn’t care about anything anymore. So, when I had this mentality of being shell-shocked, I thought since I had nothing left to lose, I might as well just write about it (on my Medium blog). So I wrote about it. It was not a desire to help anyone, but it was more about feeling that I had already lost everything in my life and I had nothing more to lose.
Tessa: In conversations on domestic and sexual violence, there is much talk about how many victims do not come forward because it can be traumatic to relive the experience when testifying in court or when giving a statement to the police. As someone who went through these experiences, what is your advice for survivors who are hesitant to report their abusers?
Rachel: I understand that it’s going to be a very difficult process. It’s going to be trying. But I think they have to understand that if they don’t come forward because they don’t want to deal with this difficult process, more people would get hurt. You think you will be the last one, but you won’t be. So I guess what I can say is that this has happened, it has been put in your path, so why are you avoiding it? Just be brave and go through it. You will help not just yourself, but so many people down the line.
Anybody wants to fuck and slap me next?
Read more at https://www.todayonline.com/voices/close-rachel-lim-domestic-abuse-survivor
