The Goldman Sachs Oath:
We pledge not to call what we do “God’s work,” even though it is.
We pledge to meet and even get to know ordinary people who do not work for Goldman Sachs, so that we might better understand their irrational behavior, and exploit it only when necessary.
We pledge to create Wall Street’s best-in-class oath.
The Morgan Stanley Oath:
We pledge to stop trying to do whatever Goldman Sachs is doing.
We, too, pledge to create Wall Street’s best-in-class oath.
The Merrill Lynch Oath:
We’re just grateful to be asked if we have an oath. We do!
We pledge to help the approximately 74,322 American dentists forget that we sold them auction-rate securities and equity tranches of subprime backed CDOs.
We also pledge that, the next time Wall Street plays crack the whip, we will decline Goldman Sachs’s offer to play the role of the little fat kid who gets catapulted through the second- story window of the house across the street.
The Citigroup Oath:
In our continued quest to make peace with the U.S. taxpayer, we pledge to sell our oath to the highest foreign bidder, the minute we decide what that oath should be.
The Warren Buffett Oath:
I pledge, even in the privacy of my own bedroom, to seem nothing like the abovementioned hedge fund manager.
I pledge to remain the go-to moral compass of the American money culture.
To that end I pledge to learn less than I typically do about the Wall Street businesses in which I invest, so that, after they are discovered to have lied, cheated or stolen, I can plausibly claim to have known nothing about it.
Specifically, I pledge to remain unable to find the corporate headquarters of Moody’s Inc. on a New York City map. (Really, I have no idea where the place is!)
The Moody’s Oath:
We pledge to do whatever we must to persuade Warren Buffett to hold on to at least some of his shares in our company.
Failing that, we pledge to just shoot ourselves.
The S&P Oath:
We pledge to do whatever Moody’s does, without the pretension of being somehow “upper crust.”
The AIG Oath:
Our deal to sell our oath to some Asian people having hit a snag, we pledge to continue to manage our oath to maximize its returns, assuming, of course, that our contracts are honored, and our bonuses are paid.
The SEC Oath:
We pledge to figure out who on Wall Street the American people most hate, and to sue them, even if we are sure to lose.
-- The Oath of the Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission:
We pledge to find out, by the year 2050, what exactly happened on Wall Street in the early part of this century.
We pledge to reform Wall Street. Or, failing that, to be taken seriously. Or, at a bare minimum, to attract a bit of media.
The Oath of the U.S. Treasury:
We pledge to appear as if we have everything under control even when we actually have no idea what we are doing.
We pledge to dissuade newspaper reporters and magazine writers from describing our leader as “elfin.”
We pledge, when he is arguing with foreign rulers, or Wall Street CEOs, that he will strive to seem a bit more powerful, perhaps even physically intimidating. At any rate, less of a wuss.
The Oath of the Federal Reserve:
We pledge to regulate these oaths to prevent others from doing so.
We pledge not to call what we do “God’s work,” even though it is.
We pledge to meet and even get to know ordinary people who do not work for Goldman Sachs, so that we might better understand their irrational behavior, and exploit it only when necessary.
We pledge to create Wall Street’s best-in-class oath.
The Morgan Stanley Oath:
We pledge to stop trying to do whatever Goldman Sachs is doing.
We, too, pledge to create Wall Street’s best-in-class oath.
The Merrill Lynch Oath:
We’re just grateful to be asked if we have an oath. We do!
We pledge to help the approximately 74,322 American dentists forget that we sold them auction-rate securities and equity tranches of subprime backed CDOs.
We also pledge that, the next time Wall Street plays crack the whip, we will decline Goldman Sachs’s offer to play the role of the little fat kid who gets catapulted through the second- story window of the house across the street.
The Citigroup Oath:
In our continued quest to make peace with the U.S. taxpayer, we pledge to sell our oath to the highest foreign bidder, the minute we decide what that oath should be.
The Warren Buffett Oath:
I pledge, even in the privacy of my own bedroom, to seem nothing like the abovementioned hedge fund manager.
I pledge to remain the go-to moral compass of the American money culture.
To that end I pledge to learn less than I typically do about the Wall Street businesses in which I invest, so that, after they are discovered to have lied, cheated or stolen, I can plausibly claim to have known nothing about it.
Specifically, I pledge to remain unable to find the corporate headquarters of Moody’s Inc. on a New York City map. (Really, I have no idea where the place is!)
The Moody’s Oath:
We pledge to do whatever we must to persuade Warren Buffett to hold on to at least some of his shares in our company.
Failing that, we pledge to just shoot ourselves.
The S&P Oath:
We pledge to do whatever Moody’s does, without the pretension of being somehow “upper crust.”
The AIG Oath:
Our deal to sell our oath to some Asian people having hit a snag, we pledge to continue to manage our oath to maximize its returns, assuming, of course, that our contracts are honored, and our bonuses are paid.
The SEC Oath:
We pledge to figure out who on Wall Street the American people most hate, and to sue them, even if we are sure to lose.
-- The Oath of the Financial Crisis Inquiry Commission:
We pledge to find out, by the year 2050, what exactly happened on Wall Street in the early part of this century.
We pledge to reform Wall Street. Or, failing that, to be taken seriously. Or, at a bare minimum, to attract a bit of media.
The Oath of the U.S. Treasury:
We pledge to appear as if we have everything under control even when we actually have no idea what we are doing.
We pledge to dissuade newspaper reporters and magazine writers from describing our leader as “elfin.”
We pledge, when he is arguing with foreign rulers, or Wall Street CEOs, that he will strive to seem a bit more powerful, perhaps even physically intimidating. At any rate, less of a wuss.
The Oath of the Federal Reserve:
We pledge to regulate these oaths to prevent others from doing so.
