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Some things are forever... like this scene etched in my mind.
Have you seen an adult man literally jumping up and down in the air, as both of you face off? I have. Reminds me of an angry gorilla, gesticulating wildly and shouting unintelligibly. Pardon me, I need to see some dark comic in this, otherwise I might lose my sanity.
(A voice says, "May be a good idea to lose sanity once a while, otherwise people might not believe you were abused. You know, like stabbing somebody to prove past abuse." Another one says, "Siao! A sage says that the best revenge is being able to move on and live a good life after this.")
Let the emails do the talking, shall we.
"Sent: Friday, March 05, 2004 2:36 AM
Subject: RE: Your SMS dd 28 Feb 04
Going through your email dated 3 March for the third time today, it has never failed to amaze me that your perception of things and me can be so very different from mine. Well, since you have chosen to discuss our conflicts, I will insist on narrowing down the scope to discuss ONE conflict at a time. This is because over the years, I’ve come to deal with them differently and so your depiction encompassed in point 1 to 12 is hardly accurate. In fact, I think it’s a mosaic of slices drawn from different major episodes and put together for generalization purposes. And more importantly, your depiction fails to highlight the role you played and the “horrible things to people” you did.
Let us begin with the most recent one, 28 Feb 04:
It started with a “trivial” thing perhaps, with me asking you to go through the chain of emails authored by me-XXX-me-CEO-XXX. The reasons for my request: I had wanted to seek a third-party’s opinion on XXX’s complaints / grievances voiced against me to CEO. Hey, this is work PRESSURE on me, and I was hoping for somebody to be at least comforting and lend some support in XXX's attack against me.
You expressed frustration and impatience and exuded unwillingness, via body language and somewhat vocally. I made a feeble, short-lived attempt to try to “beg” you, before changing my mind and said to forget it and that I could never depend on you for support. After which, I began to put things away in a perfectly normal way, thinking that perhaps we could go out.
You stomped off and left the room (the designated MY room, as opposed to the designated YOUR room), entered your room and gloriously slammed the door. You also commented angrily that you bet if you were to read the emails, you would find XXX making reasonable demands whereas I was the unreasonable one.
Feeling so indignant and hurt at the same time (hey, here I am battling a mini crisis at work, for which I could not count my husband for support, and there the same husband is fuming with me???), I left you alone literally and went to the kitchen to wash up a bit or attend to the child.
You came to my room and made some loud and belligerent comments, repeating your request to read the emails. By this time, YYY was so frightened of the tension in the air that he was clamouring for comfort nursing. During the exchange, I told you that I had basically written you off as a source of (emotional) support and comfort and that we were actually living out a façade – the normal couple with a child act.
You stomped off again, I closed the door to MY room and started to nurse YYY. You came back and shouted for me to open the door, and when I refused, tried to batter the door down. The result: a battered door with cracks (more than 20 centimeters in length) attesting to your using of violence.
I chose to ignore you because I thought the tension had escalated to the point that neither of us was capable of solving the conflict satisfactorily then. We needed our own SPACE and time to cool down (your battering of the door amply proved that you were boiling mad).
You shouted and threatened suicide, saying that you would “kill” yourself since nobody cared.
I came out of the room with the intention to stop you from carrying out your threats of suicide. You repeatedly asked how I could have said that I had written you off, and that we were living out a façade. I replied that that was because I truly felt it that way. At this confrontation, you were so worked up that you literally jumped up and down into the air as we faced off.
At several points, I wanted to leave the house with YYY as you had shown yourself to be too dangerous to be around. At the door, you mentioned about killing us before you killed yourself. Eventually I did not leave the house as I knew it would not be possible without physical involvement.
Towards the end, you threatened suicide two more times, each time getting the window key from the kitchen, opened the window in the living room and peered out. The episode at the house ended when I decided to go out with YYY and you insisted on coming along.
Feel free to add or correct FACTS in the above depiction of this latest conflict. From this event, I concluded:
You are volatile, unstable and prone to violence. And if you are thinking that there is sufficient provocation for your behavior, we should check this out with a third party. (Name anyone you deem to be fair with you).
You have no control over yourself, especially your temper. I may stomp and slam doors to vent frustration, whereas you resort to much more drastic and offensive means.
You have utterly no respect for someone else’s personal space and wishes, stubborn and dogged in your pursuit with no heed to possible transgression. You have been told again and again by me (not to mention my mother as well) that I always want to retreat into a personal space when the tension is unbearable. Turning on the radio loudly is a means of separation, refuge from reality, a step back so that we can get a grip on ourselves. Being physically distant is another. I have told you again and again, and you still cannot believe or accept. What does it really take for you to accept this? If Swanlynn and I are to compare notes, I have no doubt that we had felt exactly the same violation when you were beating down her door and sprouting the vulgarities.
You have not even the grace to apologize to me for saying and thinking earlier that XXX would be the reasonable one while I being the unreasonable party. (You did admit and write that she was a counterproductive etc bitchy bitch, so why couldn’t you add that you were sorry to have said otherwise?)
A note on this, since you devoted so much space to my psychoanalysis: hey, you are so wrong. You have no idea of, nor have we ever discussed at length, how my relationships with my family have evolved during these years. You think I’m disappointed, frustrated over my life at the moment, and that I am envious of my sister. That is so laughable and incongruous with my own self beliefs. You were asking why I kept “harping” on your wrong assumptions in your earlier emails: that is to highlight your propensity to ASSume. For a person who is characteristically insensitive to his surroundings, and unable to pick up body language or surrounding cues, absurd is not even the word I would begin to use to describe your portrayal of me.
A last note, given all these “arguments” I put forth, you can either be so opinionated as to insist that you’re right in your analysis, that I’m in self denial, that I am arguing with you for the sake of winning etc etc, or you can take it in a magnanimous spirit the vast differences between us.
You can choose."
Reading this again, I'm amazed that I was able to stick around for the next three years. Besides the domestic considerations, I got jaded easily. With each passing display of his extreme behaviour, I acted like the proverbial frog-in-boiling-water. But you know what, I think this trait also contributes in part to my ability to look past traumatic events.
So listen up. No matter what the sentence for the near-murder may be, I am doing just so fine.
Some things are forever... like this scene etched in my mind.
Have you seen an adult man literally jumping up and down in the air, as both of you face off? I have. Reminds me of an angry gorilla, gesticulating wildly and shouting unintelligibly. Pardon me, I need to see some dark comic in this, otherwise I might lose my sanity.
(A voice says, "May be a good idea to lose sanity once a while, otherwise people might not believe you were abused. You know, like stabbing somebody to prove past abuse." Another one says, "Siao! A sage says that the best revenge is being able to move on and live a good life after this.")
Let the emails do the talking, shall we.
"Sent: Friday, March 05, 2004 2:36 AM
Subject: RE: Your SMS dd 28 Feb 04
Going through your email dated 3 March for the third time today, it has never failed to amaze me that your perception of things and me can be so very different from mine. Well, since you have chosen to discuss our conflicts, I will insist on narrowing down the scope to discuss ONE conflict at a time. This is because over the years, I’ve come to deal with them differently and so your depiction encompassed in point 1 to 12 is hardly accurate. In fact, I think it’s a mosaic of slices drawn from different major episodes and put together for generalization purposes. And more importantly, your depiction fails to highlight the role you played and the “horrible things to people” you did.
Let us begin with the most recent one, 28 Feb 04:
It started with a “trivial” thing perhaps, with me asking you to go through the chain of emails authored by me-XXX-me-CEO-XXX. The reasons for my request: I had wanted to seek a third-party’s opinion on XXX’s complaints / grievances voiced against me to CEO. Hey, this is work PRESSURE on me, and I was hoping for somebody to be at least comforting and lend some support in XXX's attack against me.
You expressed frustration and impatience and exuded unwillingness, via body language and somewhat vocally. I made a feeble, short-lived attempt to try to “beg” you, before changing my mind and said to forget it and that I could never depend on you for support. After which, I began to put things away in a perfectly normal way, thinking that perhaps we could go out.
You stomped off and left the room (the designated MY room, as opposed to the designated YOUR room), entered your room and gloriously slammed the door. You also commented angrily that you bet if you were to read the emails, you would find XXX making reasonable demands whereas I was the unreasonable one.
Feeling so indignant and hurt at the same time (hey, here I am battling a mini crisis at work, for which I could not count my husband for support, and there the same husband is fuming with me???), I left you alone literally and went to the kitchen to wash up a bit or attend to the child.
You came to my room and made some loud and belligerent comments, repeating your request to read the emails. By this time, YYY was so frightened of the tension in the air that he was clamouring for comfort nursing. During the exchange, I told you that I had basically written you off as a source of (emotional) support and comfort and that we were actually living out a façade – the normal couple with a child act.
You stomped off again, I closed the door to MY room and started to nurse YYY. You came back and shouted for me to open the door, and when I refused, tried to batter the door down. The result: a battered door with cracks (more than 20 centimeters in length) attesting to your using of violence.
I chose to ignore you because I thought the tension had escalated to the point that neither of us was capable of solving the conflict satisfactorily then. We needed our own SPACE and time to cool down (your battering of the door amply proved that you were boiling mad).
You shouted and threatened suicide, saying that you would “kill” yourself since nobody cared.
I came out of the room with the intention to stop you from carrying out your threats of suicide. You repeatedly asked how I could have said that I had written you off, and that we were living out a façade. I replied that that was because I truly felt it that way. At this confrontation, you were so worked up that you literally jumped up and down into the air as we faced off.
At several points, I wanted to leave the house with YYY as you had shown yourself to be too dangerous to be around. At the door, you mentioned about killing us before you killed yourself. Eventually I did not leave the house as I knew it would not be possible without physical involvement.
Towards the end, you threatened suicide two more times, each time getting the window key from the kitchen, opened the window in the living room and peered out. The episode at the house ended when I decided to go out with YYY and you insisted on coming along.
Feel free to add or correct FACTS in the above depiction of this latest conflict. From this event, I concluded:
You are volatile, unstable and prone to violence. And if you are thinking that there is sufficient provocation for your behavior, we should check this out with a third party. (Name anyone you deem to be fair with you).
You have no control over yourself, especially your temper. I may stomp and slam doors to vent frustration, whereas you resort to much more drastic and offensive means.
You have utterly no respect for someone else’s personal space and wishes, stubborn and dogged in your pursuit with no heed to possible transgression. You have been told again and again by me (not to mention my mother as well) that I always want to retreat into a personal space when the tension is unbearable. Turning on the radio loudly is a means of separation, refuge from reality, a step back so that we can get a grip on ourselves. Being physically distant is another. I have told you again and again, and you still cannot believe or accept. What does it really take for you to accept this? If Swanlynn and I are to compare notes, I have no doubt that we had felt exactly the same violation when you were beating down her door and sprouting the vulgarities.
You have not even the grace to apologize to me for saying and thinking earlier that XXX would be the reasonable one while I being the unreasonable party. (You did admit and write that she was a counterproductive etc bitchy bitch, so why couldn’t you add that you were sorry to have said otherwise?)
A note on this, since you devoted so much space to my psychoanalysis: hey, you are so wrong. You have no idea of, nor have we ever discussed at length, how my relationships with my family have evolved during these years. You think I’m disappointed, frustrated over my life at the moment, and that I am envious of my sister. That is so laughable and incongruous with my own self beliefs. You were asking why I kept “harping” on your wrong assumptions in your earlier emails: that is to highlight your propensity to ASSume. For a person who is characteristically insensitive to his surroundings, and unable to pick up body language or surrounding cues, absurd is not even the word I would begin to use to describe your portrayal of me.
A last note, given all these “arguments” I put forth, you can either be so opinionated as to insist that you’re right in your analysis, that I’m in self denial, that I am arguing with you for the sake of winning etc etc, or you can take it in a magnanimous spirit the vast differences between us.
You can choose."
Reading this again, I'm amazed that I was able to stick around for the next three years. Besides the domestic considerations, I got jaded easily. With each passing display of his extreme behaviour, I acted like the proverbial frog-in-boiling-water. But you know what, I think this trait also contributes in part to my ability to look past traumatic events.
So listen up. No matter what the sentence for the near-murder may be, I am doing just so fine.
