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Coffeeshop Chit Chat - Reason why SPG wants to marry Angmo...</TD><TD id=msgunetc noWrap align=right> </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE class=msgtable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="96%"><TBODY><TR><TD class=msg vAlign=top><TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR class=msghead><TD class=msgbfr1 width="1%"> </TD><TD><TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR class=msghead vAlign=top><TD class=msgF width="1%" noWrap align=right>From: </TD><TD class=msgFname width="68%" noWrap>kojakbt_89 <NOBR></NOBR> </TD><TD class=msgDate width="30%" noWrap align=right>3:57 am </TD></TR><TR class=msghead><TD class=msgT height=20 width="1%" noWrap align=right>To: </TD><TD class=msgTname width="68%" noWrap>ALL <NOBR></NOBR></TD><TD class=msgNum noWrap align=right> (1 of 4) </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR><TR><TD class=msgleft rowSpan=4 width="1%"> </TD><TD class=wintiny noWrap align=right>35938.1 </TD></TR><TR><TD height=8></TD></TR><TR><TD class=msgtxt>Jul 11, 2010
Please call me Mrs Tan
<!-- by line -->By Fiona Chan
http://www.straitstimes.com/Lifestyle/Reflect/Story/STIStory_551926.html
<!-- end by line -->
<!-- end left side bar --><!-- story content : start -->
A few weeks ago, I was invited to attend a work function at my husband's office. The invitation, dropped off at my husband's desk, was addressed to 'Mrs S. Tan'.
My husband took one look at it and failed the marriage test. Completely forgetting he had a wife, he said: 'Hey, I'm a Mr, not a Mrs.'
I guess I can't really blame him for thinking his name is his alone. In the year that we've been married, not a single person has addressed me as Mrs Tan, save for the one conscientious administrator who addressed that envelope.
People used to tell me that the hardest thing to get used to after marriage was having to tick the 'Mrs' box on every form for the rest of your life. But now that I think about it, I haven't done that at all - I've just continued calling myself 'Ms' without any repercussions so far.
Truth be told, I had not even realised this until recently. But now that I have, I kind of wish more people - not my friends, but just in general - would call me Mrs Tan.
This will no doubt incur some measure of unquenchable feminist ire, and probably with good reason.
After all, this appears to be one of the few areas in which Singapore has achieved a triumph for human rights: the freedom to keep your own name after marriage.
Yes, we may cane vandals, enforce the death penalty and impose tough laws on public protests. But, hey, at least married women don't have to face constant pressure about changing their names.
This wasn't always the case - on her IC, my mother has her married name tacked on as an alias behind her maiden name - and from what I understand, it's still a norm in many Western societies.
But not in Singapore. To prove this theory, I did what any credible researcher would do: I went on Facebook to see how many of my married friends had totally abandoned their maiden names.
The answer: none.
Part of the reason is purely superficial. One colleague told me she wouldn't take on a Singaporean husband's surname, but she would change her name in the blink of an eye if she married a Caucasian because their names 'just sound so much nicer'.
This colleague may sound like a bimbo but she actually has a valid point.
Some married women compromise on the name game by adopting a hyphenated handle, but this can lead to very unfortunate results with Singaporean surnames.
If my husband had married Stefanie Sun, for instance, she would be Mrs Sun-Tan. If a Mr Kok courted a Ms Tok, she would become Mrs Tok-Kok. A group of married Chee siblings could end up as Mrs Lai-Chee, Mrs Chee-Lee, and Mrs Chee-Hong.
And it's not just Chinese couples who suffer these indignities. Just ask Ms Elizabeth MacDonald, wife of Mr Joel Berger; Ms Amy Moore, who married Mr Anthony Bacon; or Ms Emily Crapp and her husband Mr Travis Beer.
Even if you're one of the rare cases with an elegant married name, there's another good reason to eschew it: It's economically sound.
According to a recent study by Dutch researchers, women who take their husbands' names are seen to be more caring - but less intelligent, less competent and less ambitious.
They are also less likely to be hired for a job and are perceived to earn much less at work - about US$1,150 (S$1,585) a month less - than those who keep their own name.
Ridiculous? Perhaps. But I remember a former journalist colleague who once told me her maiden name byline was too valuable to change. 'It's a brand name, you know,' she said, only half-joking. 'If I change it, it will be worth less.'
It's hard to argue with all these equally sensible reasons to keep your own name. But I can't help wondering if staunchly holding on to your independence comes at a cost to the marriage.
Becoming a 'Mr and Mrs Something', after all, is one of the most overt demonstrations of commitment you can display. And it serves to constantly remind you that you share your life with another person now.
Of course, I can't find evidence of this theory anywhere, and definitely not in the latest statistics on divorce. Those figures show only two reasons non-Muslim couples split up: unreasonable behaviour and living apart.
While this conciseness probably facilitates efficient administration, as a study into the human psyche it is eminently unsatisfactory.
It would be nice if we had a separate, possibly more relevant set of data: the number of hours a couple spend together in a week. The number of meals they share. They number of events they accompany their spouse to. The number of times they laugh.
And, of course, the number of women who take on their husbands' names.
Or, perhaps, the number of men who take on their wives' names - like Singapore Exchange chief executive officer Magnus Bocker. After all, there's no reason this principle shouldn't work the other way as well.
You can bet if an invitation ever arrived on my desk addressed to a 'Mr Fiona Chan', I would know exactly who it was for.
[email protected]
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Please call me Mrs Tan
<!-- by line -->By Fiona Chan
http://www.straitstimes.com/Lifestyle/Reflect/Story/STIStory_551926.html
<!-- end by line -->
<!-- end left side bar --><!-- story content : start -->
A few weeks ago, I was invited to attend a work function at my husband's office. The invitation, dropped off at my husband's desk, was addressed to 'Mrs S. Tan'.
My husband took one look at it and failed the marriage test. Completely forgetting he had a wife, he said: 'Hey, I'm a Mr, not a Mrs.'
I guess I can't really blame him for thinking his name is his alone. In the year that we've been married, not a single person has addressed me as Mrs Tan, save for the one conscientious administrator who addressed that envelope.
People used to tell me that the hardest thing to get used to after marriage was having to tick the 'Mrs' box on every form for the rest of your life. But now that I think about it, I haven't done that at all - I've just continued calling myself 'Ms' without any repercussions so far.
Truth be told, I had not even realised this until recently. But now that I have, I kind of wish more people - not my friends, but just in general - would call me Mrs Tan.
This will no doubt incur some measure of unquenchable feminist ire, and probably with good reason.
After all, this appears to be one of the few areas in which Singapore has achieved a triumph for human rights: the freedom to keep your own name after marriage.
Yes, we may cane vandals, enforce the death penalty and impose tough laws on public protests. But, hey, at least married women don't have to face constant pressure about changing their names.
This wasn't always the case - on her IC, my mother has her married name tacked on as an alias behind her maiden name - and from what I understand, it's still a norm in many Western societies.
But not in Singapore. To prove this theory, I did what any credible researcher would do: I went on Facebook to see how many of my married friends had totally abandoned their maiden names.
The answer: none.
Part of the reason is purely superficial. One colleague told me she wouldn't take on a Singaporean husband's surname, but she would change her name in the blink of an eye if she married a Caucasian because their names 'just sound so much nicer'.
This colleague may sound like a bimbo but she actually has a valid point.
Some married women compromise on the name game by adopting a hyphenated handle, but this can lead to very unfortunate results with Singaporean surnames.
If my husband had married Stefanie Sun, for instance, she would be Mrs Sun-Tan. If a Mr Kok courted a Ms Tok, she would become Mrs Tok-Kok. A group of married Chee siblings could end up as Mrs Lai-Chee, Mrs Chee-Lee, and Mrs Chee-Hong.
And it's not just Chinese couples who suffer these indignities. Just ask Ms Elizabeth MacDonald, wife of Mr Joel Berger; Ms Amy Moore, who married Mr Anthony Bacon; or Ms Emily Crapp and her husband Mr Travis Beer.
Even if you're one of the rare cases with an elegant married name, there's another good reason to eschew it: It's economically sound.
According to a recent study by Dutch researchers, women who take their husbands' names are seen to be more caring - but less intelligent, less competent and less ambitious.
They are also less likely to be hired for a job and are perceived to earn much less at work - about US$1,150 (S$1,585) a month less - than those who keep their own name.
Ridiculous? Perhaps. But I remember a former journalist colleague who once told me her maiden name byline was too valuable to change. 'It's a brand name, you know,' she said, only half-joking. 'If I change it, it will be worth less.'
It's hard to argue with all these equally sensible reasons to keep your own name. But I can't help wondering if staunchly holding on to your independence comes at a cost to the marriage.
Becoming a 'Mr and Mrs Something', after all, is one of the most overt demonstrations of commitment you can display. And it serves to constantly remind you that you share your life with another person now.
Of course, I can't find evidence of this theory anywhere, and definitely not in the latest statistics on divorce. Those figures show only two reasons non-Muslim couples split up: unreasonable behaviour and living apart.
While this conciseness probably facilitates efficient administration, as a study into the human psyche it is eminently unsatisfactory.
It would be nice if we had a separate, possibly more relevant set of data: the number of hours a couple spend together in a week. The number of meals they share. They number of events they accompany their spouse to. The number of times they laugh.
And, of course, the number of women who take on their husbands' names.
Or, perhaps, the number of men who take on their wives' names - like Singapore Exchange chief executive officer Magnus Bocker. After all, there's no reason this principle shouldn't work the other way as well.
You can bet if an invitation ever arrived on my desk addressed to a 'Mr Fiona Chan', I would know exactly who it was for.
[email protected]
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