http://newpaper.asia1.com.sg/news/story/0,4136,191008,00.html?
More gays seek help for relationship problems
Counsellors say arguments over gender roles common among same-sex couples
By Benson Ang
January 28, 2009
THEY have little support in the wider community.
So, more people in same-sex relationships are seeking help from professional counsellors.
This is the observation of five counsellors interviewed by The New Paper.
One counsellor, who declined to be named, said he has seen a growing number of same-sex couples, mostly gay men, seeking help in their relationships.
Gay men in a relationship might argue about gender roles.
One may be the breadwinner while the other does housework at home.
The breadwinner might then ask the homemaker: 'Why am I the only one earning money?'
The counsellor said: 'In same-sex couples, they have to negotiate the gender roles, as they have no models to follow. They need to create a different set of rules.'
Another counsellor said that a year ago, a gay male client in his 20s came for counselling partly because of relationship troubles.
Depressed and tearful
He was depressed, suffered from crying spells and could sleep only for three to four hours a night.
He had been dating another man, also in his 20s, for about a year. But he felt insecure about the relationship because his partner liked to go to parties, while he spent most of his time at home.
The two didn't live together, and the client felt his partner wasn't spending enough time with him. They hadn't had physical intimacy for months.
The client was broken-hearted because he felt he wasn't attractive enough to his partner, and felt the latter wanted to see other men.
To rub salt into the wound, the client was supporting his partner's expensive lifestyle, as the client was a well-educated professional, who earned more money than the latter.
But the client felt he couldn't tell his problem to either his family or his colleagues, because they didn't know he was gay, and he was afraid to disclose his sexual orientation.
He also didn't share his problem with the handful of gay friends he had.
'That's how the client ended up talking to me,' the counsellor said.
The counsellor didn't want his client or himself to be named to protect counsellor-patient confidentiality, but said he sees about two homosexual clients a month.
Similar feelings
The counsellor said: 'The problems which my client faced - feelings of inadequacy and insecurity - are quite similar to those experienced by heterosexual couples.
'But unlike opposite sex couples, my client didn't have much family or peer support to fall back on.'
Mrs Juliana Toh, clinical director of the Counselling and Care Centre, is also seeing more same-sex couples.
Her centre saw about 10 same-sex couples last year. Five years ago, she would see at most one a year.
She believes there are more people in same-sex relationships coming for counselling because there are more gay-friendly services available, compared with 10 years ago.
She added: 'It's like with divorce. Gay people today are less marginalised, although they still have to look very carefully for who they share their problems with.'
The fact that both parties are of the same gender does influence the dynamic in same-sex relationships, she said.
Mrs Toh noted that lesbian relationships are more stable than those between gay men, because women tend to be better at communicating their emotional needs to their partners.
More gays seek help for relationship problems
Counsellors say arguments over gender roles common among same-sex couples
By Benson Ang
January 28, 2009
THEY have little support in the wider community.
So, more people in same-sex relationships are seeking help from professional counsellors.
This is the observation of five counsellors interviewed by The New Paper.
One counsellor, who declined to be named, said he has seen a growing number of same-sex couples, mostly gay men, seeking help in their relationships.
Gay men in a relationship might argue about gender roles.
One may be the breadwinner while the other does housework at home.
The breadwinner might then ask the homemaker: 'Why am I the only one earning money?'
The counsellor said: 'In same-sex couples, they have to negotiate the gender roles, as they have no models to follow. They need to create a different set of rules.'
Another counsellor said that a year ago, a gay male client in his 20s came for counselling partly because of relationship troubles.
Depressed and tearful
He was depressed, suffered from crying spells and could sleep only for three to four hours a night.
He had been dating another man, also in his 20s, for about a year. But he felt insecure about the relationship because his partner liked to go to parties, while he spent most of his time at home.
The two didn't live together, and the client felt his partner wasn't spending enough time with him. They hadn't had physical intimacy for months.
The client was broken-hearted because he felt he wasn't attractive enough to his partner, and felt the latter wanted to see other men.
To rub salt into the wound, the client was supporting his partner's expensive lifestyle, as the client was a well-educated professional, who earned more money than the latter.
But the client felt he couldn't tell his problem to either his family or his colleagues, because they didn't know he was gay, and he was afraid to disclose his sexual orientation.
He also didn't share his problem with the handful of gay friends he had.
'That's how the client ended up talking to me,' the counsellor said.
The counsellor didn't want his client or himself to be named to protect counsellor-patient confidentiality, but said he sees about two homosexual clients a month.
Similar feelings
The counsellor said: 'The problems which my client faced - feelings of inadequacy and insecurity - are quite similar to those experienced by heterosexual couples.
'But unlike opposite sex couples, my client didn't have much family or peer support to fall back on.'
Mrs Juliana Toh, clinical director of the Counselling and Care Centre, is also seeing more same-sex couples.
Her centre saw about 10 same-sex couples last year. Five years ago, she would see at most one a year.
She believes there are more people in same-sex relationships coming for counselling because there are more gay-friendly services available, compared with 10 years ago.
She added: 'It's like with divorce. Gay people today are less marginalised, although they still have to look very carefully for who they share their problems with.'
The fact that both parties are of the same gender does influence the dynamic in same-sex relationships, she said.
Mrs Toh noted that lesbian relationships are more stable than those between gay men, because women tend to be better at communicating their emotional needs to their partners.
