FOUR months after our marriage three years ago, my husband left to work outstation. I live with my family and he comes back fortnightly for the weekend.
I feel depressed and lost because my husband is bad-tempered and selfish. He doesn’t respect my feelings or advice and does whatever he wants. When I need him, he’s not there for me. We have lots of arguments because his friends, hobbies and family are his priority.
I’ve told him many times that I don’t want a big house or luxury car. I want a family with him and a caring husband. He promised to be a better husband but nothing has changed. He still enjoys going out with his friends and giving part of his hard-earned money to his parents and siblings, who are old enough to have families of their own.
I can’t say anything or he’ll call me calculating. He wants me to wait as he needs time to settle part of his instalments and save money. How long should I wait if he doesn’t have a proper financial plan?
He is not keen to start a family; he doesn’t think a long distance relationship is not good. Sometimes I feel like leaving him but my family doesn’t understand or support me. They say I’ve chosen this road so I have to accept it. They think divorce is a bad thing. All my relatives think I have a good husband.
I hate myself for not having the courage to leave everything behind. I’ve tried to read self-help books and find faith and hope in religious teachings. But I can’t be happy with a “lost” marriage and a family that doesn’t support me. My heart hurts whenever friends say they’re going to have a baby.
I can’t seem to trust my husband any more even though he says he loves and misses me. Should I give him more time to change? How can I make my family understand that divorce isn’t a bad thing?
Suffering Alone
IT is unfortunate that your family is not empathetic about your feelings as they probably believe you have a good husband. Your man appears to be a filial son, a generous brother and a loving, caring husband who is working very hard to get his wife the best in life. Sadly, no one is aware that you would like a home of your own, and children to fill it with laughter.
You are lonely and no one is listening to your heart. You dearly want your husband to share your days and nights, to hold and cherish. However, he believes that he should be the breadwinner, big brother, and friend to his buddies. He expects a patient, understanding wife who is quietly supportive of him. As long as he is a responsible husband he thinks you lack for nothing.
Perhaps you should plan on moving out if you feel your own family is suppressing your cries for help. You seem on the verge of giving up on your marriage but you are alone and afraid. If so, then you must have the courage to do something for yourself.
Suggest to your husband that you would like to move out and get a job. Be honest and tell him that you want a house and kids and are prepared to help out with the money. The commitment of buying a house also means that he cannot give away his money so freely.
Do not always feel that no one cares. Your family probably believes you are missing your man and this is just a period of adjustment in a long distance marriage.
Your husband loves you and has been trying to be a better spouse but he seems unaware that he is not fulfilling your needs and expectations. On your part, be less uptight about his spending money on his family and time out with his pals. Resentment, nagging and bickering will cause a wider rift and create tension between the two of you.
Instead of stewing in anger and disappointment, learn to create your own space, and time for yourself with friends and colleagues. Never depend on your man to give you everything. Your happiness will come from within when you feel fulfilled, contented and thankful for what you have.
Family cannot be expected to understand your emptiness when you seem to have so much. In any marriage or relationship, there will always be challenges and problems. But you need love to ride through this rough patch, so console yourself and give yourself hope.
Create the home of your dreams. Fill it with love and passion when your man is home, seduce him with tenderness so that he will consider a job close by. Do not give up so easily if you still love him.
But know that you can never change him overnight – or perhaps at all. Learn to understand him, persuade him subtly. When he is a father, he will be different and more conscious of his responsibility to you and his children.
If you cannot to cope with your unhappiness, divorce would be your last option.
