I am a 50+ year old woman.
I am not a virgin but I always pretend and insist that I am.
Looking back, I miss the days when I had a hymen. I miss the purity which was once with me.
Now I have lost myself. I have become a slutty woman.
If my deceased father knew what I was really doing now, he would be sad.
Since my teenage years, I always knew in me that the chastity of a woman's body is extremely precious.
Although my late father never told me this, some of his comments about my mother made me understand how precious virginity is to a woman.
Previously, I always believed that the first night would be for my future husband, but I did not hold on to that belief.
In junior college, there was a handsome guy who was very good to me. Over time, I developed feelings for him.
But I did not dare to fall in love at that time as my father was strict with me from a young age, and would often told me not to fall in love during my academic years.
So, when I received the 'I like you' card that he had written to me, I blushed and my heart fluttered, but immediately I wrote back to reject him.
I said euphemistically in my letter that we still had to take our A Levels examination, and we should talk about these things later. And so, we remained as ordinary friends.
Not long after I started my tertiary studies in NTU Accountancy Faculty, and he went for National Service, he called to tell me that he had a girlfriend. That day, I sent my blessings in our teleconversaton, but in my heart there was an indescribable bitter taste.
I hated that I didn't have the courage to show my true feelings to him, although I knew that if I had told him the truth, he was likely to come back to me, because he still showed his affection for me from time to time after he had a girlfriend.
But unconsciously and increasingly, I found myself in an emotional vortex of missing him, wanting happiness for him and the fear of losing him.
Since I was staying in NTU hall of residence in my freshman year, I invited him over one Friday night after he booked out from Safti, which wasn't far from NTU.
When we were in my single occupant room, I gave him my first kiss. That night, I finally confessed my love to him, but when he said he wanted to abandon his girlfriend and be with me, I firmly rejected him. I couldn't put myself to hurt another innocent girl for my own happiness. She probably loved him more than I do, though he loved me more than he loved her.
We didn't end up having sex. I remained a virgin that night, despite enjoying the warmth of his naked muscular body, his stroking of my breasts, gentle kissing/sucking of my tits and heavy petting.
However, the moment he felt my wet clitoris, I held onto his hand and told him to stop, which he respected my wishes.
And so, in my academic years at NTU, I rejected any interests shown to me by guys. Unfortunately, my dad also passed away during my NTU days, and I wasn't in any mood for men. I told myself to study hard so that I would get a good job.
I also secretly told myself in my heart that I would find a good and honest man ( like @NanoSpeed ) in the future, and would give my virginity to him on the night of our marriage.
After my NTU graduation, at the young age of 22, I found a good job. I devoted myself, my body and mind at work, but I would often feel lonely after work.
By chance, a senior guy who joined the company at the same time with me entered my heart.
He was the kind of man I liked. He had a good man face and he gave me security and warmth , with a sunny smile. The first time I saw him, I felt like something was going to happen to us. Then we quickly began to interact closely due to some work projects.
At 22/23, I was an "unworldly" person. I had a simple mind, not even the basic ability to judge men.
He was married, in his early 40s and a person that could help me to advance my career.
Having experienced the loss of my first man during my junior college and NTU years, I came to the conclusion that 人活着，幸福是自己给的，不幸福也是自己找的！
On a fateful day I lost my chastity.
After an offsite meeting with clients together, he kissed my lips, whilst we we in his car. He then suggested that we go for dinner and drinks thereafter. After some drinks, he booked a 5 star hotel and we had sex. I lost my virginity to him but he doesn't know till this day.
That night, I didn't stop him like I did previously with guy I had liked in my NTU days.
I held back the initial pain and finally understood why sex was pleasurable and addictive.
Secretly I had also hoped to become his woman forever after he rid his old hag wife. However it didn't turn out as I wanted. Anyway it doesn't matter now.
When he fell asleep that night, I went to the bathroom. As I wiped myself there after my urinal discharge, I saw a very light stain of blood on the swabbed toilet paper. I knew I had finally broken my hymen. From that moment on, I said goodbye to my virginity completely.
When we got up in the morning, I noticed his look: he took a serious look at the sheets as he lifted the quilt. There was no blood on the sheets. I supposed he felt relieved.
After a brief period of secretive lover life with him, I was promoted to be a manager, all thanks to sacrificing my body for advancement in my career. I also subscribed to the firm belief that 幸福和事业是要自己找的.
My story didn't end there, and after him, I went through many other men, in different companies I had worked for, all of whom I had sex in exchange for career advancement, benefits, and promotions
Over the years, I invested all my hard earned money, together with inheritance from my deceased father, in Singapore and Johore properties. I also became a reasonably good investor in the stock markets, in Singapore and US, thru my online self learnings.
So, even when I was terminated in my last job in my 40s, due to a political quarrel with some bloody Indian assholic HR manager at work, I was still able to live very much my own life, financially independently.
I know most men laughed at me an "old maid". Some even say that I am a slutty woman or woman of the night. However, I have no regrets.
My relationship with these men was lover-like, with no promises, no constraints, no thought of feeling love sincerely, let alone marriage.
Now I don't want marriage anymore, though I used to be very serious about giving my first night to my future husband.
Maybe if I find a "杨过" to take care of me, I will reconsider my martial views.
That's my confession.
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