Humour For Today
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here, we might as
well dance!
DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher
was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my
friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
---------------------------
HIDE HIM DURING A WAR
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to
confess, so went to his priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my
attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
---------------------------------------------
CHURCH FOR THIS DRUNK
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday
sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he
finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all a long , noticing his apparent
hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides
to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven,
please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a
place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find
that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here,
Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for
it!"
--------------------------------------------------
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed
out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around
with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened
by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
----------------------------------------------
A VERY FAITHFUL WOMAN
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in
talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE
LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her
some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD
I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME
GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large b ag of
groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there
was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said,
"PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay
for them. Praise the Lord!"
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here, we might as
well dance!
DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher
was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my
friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
---------------------------
HIDE HIM DURING A WAR
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to
confess, so went to his priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my
attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
---------------------------------------------
CHURCH FOR THIS DRUNK
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday
sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he
finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all a long , noticing his apparent
hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides
to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven,
please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a
place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find
that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here,
Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for
it!"
--------------------------------------------------
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed
out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around
with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened
by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
----------------------------------------------
A VERY FAITHFUL WOMAN
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in
talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE
LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her
some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD
I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME
GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large b ag of
groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there
was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said,
"PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay
for them. Praise the Lord!"
