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33803.1
</TD></TR><TR><TD height=8></TD></TR><TR><TD class=msgtxt>May 28, 2010
Love against the odds
She was his wife, caregiver, confidante and closest friend. Yet little is known of Dr Phua Swee Liang, 71, who was married to Dr Goh Keng Swee for the past 19 years. The former deputy prime minister died on May 14 and was given a state funeral on May 23. They first met in 1979 at the Ministry of Education and tied the knot in 1991, five years after Dr Goh's divorce from his first wife. Dr Phua opens up to Nur Dianah Suhaimi on her relationship with Dr Goh.
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TRAVEL COMPANIONS: Dr Goh and Dr Phua on one of their overseas trips during the days when Dr Goh was still healthy. They could still travel after Dr Goh's first stroke in 1999. -- PHOTOS: COURTESY OF DR PHUA SWEE LIANG
View more photos http://www.straitstimes.com/STI/STIMEDIA/image/20100528/a27.jpghttp://www.straitstimes.com/STI/STIMEDIA/image/20100528/a28.jpghttp://www.straitstimes.com/STI/STIMEDIA/image/20100528/a29.jpghttp://www.straitstimes.com/STI/STIMEDIA/image/20100528/a30.jpghttp://www.straitstimes.com/STI/STIMEDIA/image/20100528/a31.jpg
http://epaper.straitstimes.com/fvx/fvxp/fvxpress.php?param=2010-05-28
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'OURS was not love at first sight.
When I was working in the Ministry of Education (MOE), I saw Dr Goh Keng Swee only at the weekly ministerial committee meetings.
He was then the Education Minister and I was the director of the central testing services at the ministry.
Sometimes, he would call me in to discuss any research project which he wanted my division to conduct.
As a matter of fact, I worked more closely with the late Dr Tay Eng Soon than with him. (Note: Dr Tay was then Minister of State for Education.)
It was only after I left MOE for the Asian Development Bank in Manila that Dr Goh realised he had feelings for me.
Initially, I tried to dissuade him by pointing out to him that society might disapprove when his action became known.
I showed him articles on Gandhi and his female disciple to demonstrate that I could act in the same way. Also, I knew that he had no daughter and offered to be his adopted daughter. All these were immediately dismissed by him.
Then I set him various tests. I cannot reveal what they were but he cleared every one of them. Even then, I was still reluctant.
I finally relented when I found out that he had bladder cancer. I told him that if he had not been so persistent, I would not have given in. His reply was: 'Faint heart never won fair lady.'
What I liked about him was that he was a kind and considerate man who never spoke ill of anyone. He accepted people for what they were. Whenever I complained about somebody to him, he would say: 'That person was born like that. What can you do?'
When we were married, he would avoid coming home for lunch so I would not have to cook. I would have actually preferred that he came home for lunch. He had diabetes since he was in his 40s. Eating at home would have been healthier.
He enjoyed going on long drives. We would go for many long drives around Singapore, just the two of us with me as the driver.
Teacher and friend
I LEARNT how to play golf so I could keep him company. He enjoyed golf. He also taught me how to swim. I was already in my 40s then and very nervous of the water.
He had been persuading me to pick up swimming for some time but I said I had given up hope of swimming and I was probably fated not to swim my whole life.
Then one day I saw some children swimming with arm buoys. I pointed to them and told him I'd learn how to swim only if I had arm buoys to give me confidence. He said: 'Don't be silly, they are for kids only.'
I found those arm buoys for adults in a K-Mart store while we were travelling in Orlando in the United States. I showed them to him and told him they were for adults. He studied them and remarked: 'That's it!'
On our return home, I started my swimming lessons with him soon after. He was a good coach and started from the basics, such as how to control my breathing under water.
Since then, every Sunday morning, we would swim at Tanah Merah Country Club and the other mornings of the week at the pool in Ocean Park condominium in the East Coast where we were living.
But it has been 12 years since I entered the water. These activities were taken out of our lives when he had his first stroke in 1999.
Actually, we were still able to travel to Guangzhou and Perth after his first stroke. It was only when he had his eye stroke in 2000 that things went downhill.
He lost vision in his right eye. He loved to read his books and watch nature documentaries so I could imagine how this must have upset him.
But not once did he show misery or make any complaints. In fact, the whole time he was ill, he never showed the slightest bit of unhappiness or irritation.
Strangely enough, he was not one of those old people who become irritable when they lose their abilities. It was as if for him, quality of life varies according to the stage of life he was in.
Whenever I asked him, 'Are you happy?', his answer was always, 'Yes.' And as long as he was happy, I was happy.
My preoccupation was, as long as he was happy and comfortable, it was contentment for me.
Our friends, who occasionally called to ask how we were doing, often wondered how I kept my spirits up. I would tell them: 'It's love of the highest order.'
It was true for both of us. When he was with me, he was a different man. He had no constraints. He could be comfortable and did not need to control himself. But with other people, he would be nonplussed.
Even when we travelled, he preferred it if it was just the two of us. If there was a third person in the car, he would not be comfortable, unless that person was a very close friend.
He was a man who valued his privacy. When he was still working, he would send off the driver the minute he got home. Even our maid knew better than to tell stories about her 'Sir'.
Once, a staff member from the maid agency had asked the maid about 'Sir'. The only thing she told him was: 'He is a man of few words.'
From the start, whenever he was home, he would insist that I be beside him. But I did not mind because I could still do other things.
When he was reading, I would sit with him and read my own books. Sometimes, I'd make some phone calls. When he fell ill, I would always be with him unless he was sleeping. Even then, I'd get the maid to watch him while I got some work done.
Constant companion
WHEN he was warded in hospital, I had to be by his side. Nobody else could communicate with him, not even the doctors. I'd be the one to explain to him what the doctors and nurses needed to do and why. If not, he would not do it.
I would be there throughout his hospital stay, including the nights when I would sleep on the three-seat couch.
In a way, he became very dependent on me.
For the past 12 years, I was his full-time caregiver, driver, barber, nurse, seamstress and in the last few years, his physiotherapist and occupational therapist as well. I even had to change his feeding tube myself in the last two years when he had to be fed through it.
I rarely left the house unless it was to run a quick errand for him. I felt more relaxed being at home with him than going out but my heart was at home.
Sometimes, when his health was more stable, I'd invite some of our close friends over for a meal.
My two sisters, one elder and one younger, live with us in our Dunbar Walk house. When I was really tied up, they'd chip in. My younger sister takes care of the cooking because she is a very good cook. I had a domestic helper to help me only in the last five years of his illness.
But Dr Goh's needs were my sole responsibility. I did everything for him, including dashing off to the FairPrice supermarket in Marine Parade to buy his essentials every once in a while.
My 'outings' were mainly to the supermarket and Singapore General Hospital where he went for his check-ups and hospitalisation.
Each time before I went on these errands, I'd explain to him first that I had to leave the house for a while. If not, he would look for me and get upset if he found out that I was not around.
Although he could not walk or move around on his own, he could still sit up in a wheelchair. For sure, he was very alert until the very end.
During his last few days, I wanted to test his hearing because sometimes, earwax would block his ear passage. So I jokingly told him that I was going to leave him. Immediately, he answered, 'No! No! No!', and even gestured with his hands.
Another method I used to test his alertness was to ask him: 'Are you Goh Keng Swee? If you are, raise your hand.' He never failed to raise his hand for me.
Only last week, he told me not to leave him. But now he has left me.
The day he passed away, we were up quite late. He finished his meal of milk dissolved in cordyceps solution at around 2.30am. After that, I had two hours of sleep. As usual, I woke up at 5am to change him.
But that morning, I noticed his face was pale. Apart from that there was nothing unusual. His body was warm.
Suddenly, I noticed that he was not breathing. I called him but there was no response. I touched him and still no response. He did not move at all.
I don't know why but somehow, that morning, I was unusually calm. At one time, when he was in hospital, he was gasping for breath and looked like he was going to go. My whole body just shook involuntarily.
But that morning, it was as though there were external forces trying to help me, keeping me calm. I was not panicky.
The first thing I did was to shout for my sisters who were sleeping. Then I called his niece, whose husband is a doctor. They came immediately and confirmed that he had left us.
He had become so used to me. And I had become so used to him. For me, the only comforting thought now is that he has gone to a better place, hopefully.
In the beginning, I was hoping to keep his passing under wraps and just report to the police to get his death certificate. But the moment his death was reported, the whole thing was uncovered.
As far as possible, I would have wanted to make his funeral a private affair. He would have wanted it that way, too.
But I let go for the sake of (Foreign) Minister George Yeo who has always been sincerely respectful of Dr Goh.
In the past, whenever I approached Mr Yeo, he would respond spontaneously. To me, spontaneity is a sign of respect. But if people show indifference or leave their personal assistants to handle things, then I know they are insincere.
After spending 20 years of my life with Dr Goh, I feel he has helped me control my feelings better. I am under restraint now, to a certain extent, because of him.
In my life, I've had three identities. To my former students, I'd always be Ms Phua. When I do my own things, I am Dr Phua. When I am doing things for my husband, I am Mrs Goh.
Among the three, being Mrs Goh has been the most trying and frustrating because I was constantly fighting for his needs, his comforts and his convenience. For myself, I don't need anything.
So what next? I don't know. Some people who visited said now I can take a long break. I appreciate their good intentions but I'd rather have him with me than go for a break.
I think people have the impression that I was undergoing great hardship when caring for him the past 12 years. On the contrary, I was happy to be able to give him comfort and contentment.
If you do things out of love, it is a pleasure and not a chore. I find it difficult to accept that many people today pay others to take care of their loved ones, be it their spouse, parents or siblings.
Some don't even visit the parents when they are sick, wheelchair-bound or bedridden.
My generation of people, we don't always think of ourselves. We think of others. My elder sister has a heart problem. She cannot travel. If she cannot travel, I won't travel, too.
Will I miss him? What do you think? I've lived the past 20 years of my life just for him. I don't know what will happen next.'
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
33803.1
</TD></TR><TR><TD height=8></TD></TR><TR><TD class=msgtxt>May 28, 2010
Love against the odds
She was his wife, caregiver, confidante and closest friend. Yet little is known of Dr Phua Swee Liang, 71, who was married to Dr Goh Keng Swee for the past 19 years. The former deputy prime minister died on May 14 and was given a state funeral on May 23. They first met in 1979 at the Ministry of Education and tied the knot in 1991, five years after Dr Goh's divorce from his first wife. Dr Phua opens up to Nur Dianah Suhaimi on her relationship with Dr Goh.
<!-- by line --><!-- end by line -->
<!-- end left side bar -->
<!-- story content : start -->
'OURS was not love at first sight.
When I was working in the Ministry of Education (MOE), I saw Dr Goh Keng Swee only at the weekly ministerial committee meetings.
He was then the Education Minister and I was the director of the central testing services at the ministry.
Sometimes, he would call me in to discuss any research project which he wanted my division to conduct.
As a matter of fact, I worked more closely with the late Dr Tay Eng Soon than with him. (Note: Dr Tay was then Minister of State for Education.)
It was only after I left MOE for the Asian Development Bank in Manila that Dr Goh realised he had feelings for me.
Initially, I tried to dissuade him by pointing out to him that society might disapprove when his action became known.
I showed him articles on Gandhi and his female disciple to demonstrate that I could act in the same way. Also, I knew that he had no daughter and offered to be his adopted daughter. All these were immediately dismissed by him.
Then I set him various tests. I cannot reveal what they were but he cleared every one of them. Even then, I was still reluctant.
I finally relented when I found out that he had bladder cancer. I told him that if he had not been so persistent, I would not have given in. His reply was: 'Faint heart never won fair lady.'
What I liked about him was that he was a kind and considerate man who never spoke ill of anyone. He accepted people for what they were. Whenever I complained about somebody to him, he would say: 'That person was born like that. What can you do?'
When we were married, he would avoid coming home for lunch so I would not have to cook. I would have actually preferred that he came home for lunch. He had diabetes since he was in his 40s. Eating at home would have been healthier.
He enjoyed going on long drives. We would go for many long drives around Singapore, just the two of us with me as the driver.
Teacher and friend
I LEARNT how to play golf so I could keep him company. He enjoyed golf. He also taught me how to swim. I was already in my 40s then and very nervous of the water.
He had been persuading me to pick up swimming for some time but I said I had given up hope of swimming and I was probably fated not to swim my whole life.
Then one day I saw some children swimming with arm buoys. I pointed to them and told him I'd learn how to swim only if I had arm buoys to give me confidence. He said: 'Don't be silly, they are for kids only.'
I found those arm buoys for adults in a K-Mart store while we were travelling in Orlando in the United States. I showed them to him and told him they were for adults. He studied them and remarked: 'That's it!'
On our return home, I started my swimming lessons with him soon after. He was a good coach and started from the basics, such as how to control my breathing under water.
Since then, every Sunday morning, we would swim at Tanah Merah Country Club and the other mornings of the week at the pool in Ocean Park condominium in the East Coast where we were living.
But it has been 12 years since I entered the water. These activities were taken out of our lives when he had his first stroke in 1999.
Actually, we were still able to travel to Guangzhou and Perth after his first stroke. It was only when he had his eye stroke in 2000 that things went downhill.
He lost vision in his right eye. He loved to read his books and watch nature documentaries so I could imagine how this must have upset him.
But not once did he show misery or make any complaints. In fact, the whole time he was ill, he never showed the slightest bit of unhappiness or irritation.
Strangely enough, he was not one of those old people who become irritable when they lose their abilities. It was as if for him, quality of life varies according to the stage of life he was in.
Whenever I asked him, 'Are you happy?', his answer was always, 'Yes.' And as long as he was happy, I was happy.
My preoccupation was, as long as he was happy and comfortable, it was contentment for me.
Our friends, who occasionally called to ask how we were doing, often wondered how I kept my spirits up. I would tell them: 'It's love of the highest order.'
It was true for both of us. When he was with me, he was a different man. He had no constraints. He could be comfortable and did not need to control himself. But with other people, he would be nonplussed.
Even when we travelled, he preferred it if it was just the two of us. If there was a third person in the car, he would not be comfortable, unless that person was a very close friend.
He was a man who valued his privacy. When he was still working, he would send off the driver the minute he got home. Even our maid knew better than to tell stories about her 'Sir'.
Once, a staff member from the maid agency had asked the maid about 'Sir'. The only thing she told him was: 'He is a man of few words.'
From the start, whenever he was home, he would insist that I be beside him. But I did not mind because I could still do other things.
When he was reading, I would sit with him and read my own books. Sometimes, I'd make some phone calls. When he fell ill, I would always be with him unless he was sleeping. Even then, I'd get the maid to watch him while I got some work done.
Constant companion
WHEN he was warded in hospital, I had to be by his side. Nobody else could communicate with him, not even the doctors. I'd be the one to explain to him what the doctors and nurses needed to do and why. If not, he would not do it.
I would be there throughout his hospital stay, including the nights when I would sleep on the three-seat couch.
In a way, he became very dependent on me.
For the past 12 years, I was his full-time caregiver, driver, barber, nurse, seamstress and in the last few years, his physiotherapist and occupational therapist as well. I even had to change his feeding tube myself in the last two years when he had to be fed through it.
I rarely left the house unless it was to run a quick errand for him. I felt more relaxed being at home with him than going out but my heart was at home.
Sometimes, when his health was more stable, I'd invite some of our close friends over for a meal.
My two sisters, one elder and one younger, live with us in our Dunbar Walk house. When I was really tied up, they'd chip in. My younger sister takes care of the cooking because she is a very good cook. I had a domestic helper to help me only in the last five years of his illness.
But Dr Goh's needs were my sole responsibility. I did everything for him, including dashing off to the FairPrice supermarket in Marine Parade to buy his essentials every once in a while.
My 'outings' were mainly to the supermarket and Singapore General Hospital where he went for his check-ups and hospitalisation.
Each time before I went on these errands, I'd explain to him first that I had to leave the house for a while. If not, he would look for me and get upset if he found out that I was not around.
Although he could not walk or move around on his own, he could still sit up in a wheelchair. For sure, he was very alert until the very end.
During his last few days, I wanted to test his hearing because sometimes, earwax would block his ear passage. So I jokingly told him that I was going to leave him. Immediately, he answered, 'No! No! No!', and even gestured with his hands.
Another method I used to test his alertness was to ask him: 'Are you Goh Keng Swee? If you are, raise your hand.' He never failed to raise his hand for me.
Only last week, he told me not to leave him. But now he has left me.
The day he passed away, we were up quite late. He finished his meal of milk dissolved in cordyceps solution at around 2.30am. After that, I had two hours of sleep. As usual, I woke up at 5am to change him.
But that morning, I noticed his face was pale. Apart from that there was nothing unusual. His body was warm.
Suddenly, I noticed that he was not breathing. I called him but there was no response. I touched him and still no response. He did not move at all.
I don't know why but somehow, that morning, I was unusually calm. At one time, when he was in hospital, he was gasping for breath and looked like he was going to go. My whole body just shook involuntarily.
But that morning, it was as though there were external forces trying to help me, keeping me calm. I was not panicky.
The first thing I did was to shout for my sisters who were sleeping. Then I called his niece, whose husband is a doctor. They came immediately and confirmed that he had left us.
He had become so used to me. And I had become so used to him. For me, the only comforting thought now is that he has gone to a better place, hopefully.
In the beginning, I was hoping to keep his passing under wraps and just report to the police to get his death certificate. But the moment his death was reported, the whole thing was uncovered.
As far as possible, I would have wanted to make his funeral a private affair. He would have wanted it that way, too.
But I let go for the sake of (Foreign) Minister George Yeo who has always been sincerely respectful of Dr Goh.
In the past, whenever I approached Mr Yeo, he would respond spontaneously. To me, spontaneity is a sign of respect. But if people show indifference or leave their personal assistants to handle things, then I know they are insincere.
After spending 20 years of my life with Dr Goh, I feel he has helped me control my feelings better. I am under restraint now, to a certain extent, because of him.
In my life, I've had three identities. To my former students, I'd always be Ms Phua. When I do my own things, I am Dr Phua. When I am doing things for my husband, I am Mrs Goh.
Among the three, being Mrs Goh has been the most trying and frustrating because I was constantly fighting for his needs, his comforts and his convenience. For myself, I don't need anything.
So what next? I don't know. Some people who visited said now I can take a long break. I appreciate their good intentions but I'd rather have him with me than go for a break.
I think people have the impression that I was undergoing great hardship when caring for him the past 12 years. On the contrary, I was happy to be able to give him comfort and contentment.
If you do things out of love, it is a pleasure and not a chore. I find it difficult to accept that many people today pay others to take care of their loved ones, be it their spouse, parents or siblings.
Some don't even visit the parents when they are sick, wheelchair-bound or bedridden.
My generation of people, we don't always think of ourselves. We think of others. My elder sister has a heart problem. She cannot travel. If she cannot travel, I won't travel, too.
Will I miss him? What do you think? I've lived the past 20 years of my life just for him. I don't know what will happen next.'
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