Chill thread - have a good laugh

[Romagnum]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.

The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

 

[Romagnum]

Hillary Clinton says, ''Bill, now the press is saying you lent money to that Monica Lewinsky for plastic surgery.''

''You see how they twist things? What I said was that I blew a wad on her face.''

 

[Romagnum]

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

 

[Romagnum]

Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

A: Both can smell it but can't eat it.

 

[Romagnum]

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A: Melt them, make a tire, and call it a cheap (Chip) Goodyear.

 

[Romagnum]

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: "It might take me a while to get hard. I just got laid this morning."

 

[Romagnum]

One sunny day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came flying by and hit a bump in the road. As the truck sped away a crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see what was in the crate. The man opened the crate and was stunned to see a pig.

The man didn't know what to do so he asked a police officer for some advise. The officer suggested that the man take the pig to the local zoo.

A few days later while the police officer was directing traffic, he noticed this same man driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the man so he could find out if everything when well with his advice. The officer walked up to the car and was stunned to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing a baseball cap. In between them sat a six-pack of soda and some popcorn.

"Good afternoon officer!" the man said. The pig looked over and gave a couple polite snorts.

The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"

The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun today we're going to the ballgame!!"

 

[Romagnum]

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless. "Mummy, Mummy, what are those?", he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mummy, Mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?", says his mother.

"Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, "Oh God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!......"

 

[Romagnum]

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces:

"My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV, and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.

 

[Romagnum]

A man goes to the Doctor and says "Doctor I think my wife's been dead for two weeks."

"Dead for two weeks, how did you work that out?"

"Well, the sex is the same but the washing is starting to build up!"

 

[Romagnum]

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla - for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

 

[Romagnum]

Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry couldn't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theater where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers ... and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women -- in every orifice; -- and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's OK, we're just here to see our dog."

 

[Romagnum]

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the directions:

"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!"