<TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR>Abusive spouses not the only reason for divorce
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<!-- START OF : div id="storytext"--><!-- more than 4 paragraphs -->I REFER to the article "Break-ups spark marriage debate" (July 20) and the Forum letters by Miss Noelle Kong ("Why we value marriage but behave as if we don't", on Saturday) and Ms Dana Lam ("Easy way out? Divorce is last resort", on Monday).
The "desire for genuine, deep intimacy with another", while an impetus for marriage, does not in itself ensure that mutual love, respect and selflessness are sustained in a marriage. Similarly, while we would agree that the "responsibility for childcare, for keeping the family intact and the marriage fulfilling must be shared equally between men and women", this responsibility can be hampered by our imperfect views of a "perfect" marriage.
Many of our views about marriage are unconsciously "absorbed" from the environment - for example, our childhood experiences and the media's portrayal of the "perfect" spouse, sex and relationships. We should examine how aspects of our present attitudes and lifestyles are a detriment to spousal relationships.
While divorce is an option for women (and men) to come out of abusive situations, the fact is not all marriages that end in divorce are a result of abusive spouses. Marriages may also crumble because either or both parties, despite their best efforts, feel helpless and dejected at the inability to overcome the obstacles in their relationship.
If "marriage has been under assault" as Dr Ron Haskins put it, then part of that assault comes from our bitter experience or observance of bad and failed marriages. This bitterness will inevitably affect our children and their views of marriage as well. If divorces are increasing, then there should also be increasing focus and reflection on how not to get into a bad marriage or on preventing a potentially good marriage from deteriorating. This includes scrutinising our motivation for wanting to get hitched and being truthful as to how some of our flawed expectations and conduct have been influenced by our environment.
Cecilia Nathen (Ms)
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<!-- START OF : div id="storytext"--><!-- more than 4 paragraphs -->I REFER to the article "Break-ups spark marriage debate" (July 20) and the Forum letters by Miss Noelle Kong ("Why we value marriage but behave as if we don't", on Saturday) and Ms Dana Lam ("Easy way out? Divorce is last resort", on Monday).
The "desire for genuine, deep intimacy with another", while an impetus for marriage, does not in itself ensure that mutual love, respect and selflessness are sustained in a marriage. Similarly, while we would agree that the "responsibility for childcare, for keeping the family intact and the marriage fulfilling must be shared equally between men and women", this responsibility can be hampered by our imperfect views of a "perfect" marriage.
Many of our views about marriage are unconsciously "absorbed" from the environment - for example, our childhood experiences and the media's portrayal of the "perfect" spouse, sex and relationships. We should examine how aspects of our present attitudes and lifestyles are a detriment to spousal relationships.
While divorce is an option for women (and men) to come out of abusive situations, the fact is not all marriages that end in divorce are a result of abusive spouses. Marriages may also crumble because either or both parties, despite their best efforts, feel helpless and dejected at the inability to overcome the obstacles in their relationship.
If "marriage has been under assault" as Dr Ron Haskins put it, then part of that assault comes from our bitter experience or observance of bad and failed marriages. This bitterness will inevitably affect our children and their views of marriage as well. If divorces are increasing, then there should also be increasing focus and reflection on how not to get into a bad marriage or on preventing a potentially good marriage from deteriorating. This includes scrutinising our motivation for wanting to get hitched and being truthful as to how some of our flawed expectations and conduct have been influenced by our environment.
Cecilia Nathen (Ms)
