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http://www.divaasia.com/article/6516
Mon, Dec 21, 2009
The Star/Asia News Network
Stigmatised for being an unwedded mum
by Jacqueline Pereira
"I GOT pregnant. I had a baby. I have no boyfriend. I’m not married. I have an amazing son. End of bloody story!"
When incessantly interrogated on her marital status by strangers, Asha Gill’s ripostes do not always quieten her questioners.
Once, a supermarket employee could not comprehend how Ms Gill could have a biological son without being married. Shopping with a toddler and a tantrum around the corner, Asha’s patience was running thin.
"Yes, I had sex with no husband ... terrible, isn't it? Look how I got punished!"
While everyone at the check-out line turned to stare at her as if she was a pariah for snapping, the answer apparently satisfied the grilling salesgirl, finally.
As an advocate of outspokenness, Asha has never been a simpering celebrity who conforms with conventions. To not express is to not participate. And to not participate is not living. That's not quite her mantra, although it is what she believes in.
I hear Asha’s raucous laugh before I see her. It's close to three years since we last met. Dressed in a floral top and skinny jeans, she is still all limbs and loud laughter.
Her hair is slightly askew and her face devoid of make-up. Perhaps there are a few more fine lines around her eyes and, like any other mother with a young baby, she moans that she’s always tired.
Not much, at least outwardly, has changed with TV’s one-time darling. With her Punjabi-English looks and a smart mouth to match, Asha’s career as a TV host took off with international exposure as Channel V's veejay and Singapore's The Weakest Link host, culminating in Lonely Planet’s Six Degrees. Other stints on ads, soaps, film and radio not only expanded her repertoire but also gave her opportunities to write, produce, and direct, as well as be a women’s rights activist.
Yet she admits to finding it a little strange that, as a media person who's a single mum, not married or divorced and not in a relationship, her status is more often than not ignored. Stranger still, she has all but disappeared from the scene.
"If I was in Australia or Britain, the media would have helped me change a lot for other single mums."
Still, her many fans remember her fondly.
"Everyone seems disappointed, though, when I say I have a new job - I'm a mother now," sighs Asha, "Then they go, 'Oh you mean you've stopped working, aaah?'"
"Most women are single mothers in a way, in our society," declares Asha, when asked about the toughest part of being one. She’s seen enough women who are married or with partners who basically take on the parenting role alone.
"For me, shouldering the whole weight of not screwing up is the most difficult. No one else to blame if my son goes mental at 16 because I didn’t buy him that Nintendo for his 10th birthday!"
Whatever their circumstances, she thinks there’s still a stigma to being a single mum because it is not a comfortable or easy box to tick. What doesn’t fit in with the majority and their "labels" results in fear, she adds, and this usually turns nice people into ignorant, rude jerks.
“If anything, we're just bloody exhausted women keeping our s*** together. We have no time for much else, let alone set traps to catch anything – men, jobs, sympathy or money.”
Asha’s initiation into motherhood was onerous. After being ill and in hospital for most of her pregnancy, she gave birth prematurely to Marjaan in 2007.
"I had no expectations, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. One throwback from his prematurity is that he still wakes up five to six times a night. So, apart from when my mum has him once or twice a month, it's been two years of no solid sleep."
She leans on her supportive family and friends.
"Having a baby out of wedlock was not the real consideration," she recalls of the initial reaction from them. "It was a surprise to all of us that I could and did get pregnant! In a very good way, never bad."
Her mother, who moved back to Malaysia from Britain, is her greatest support and her son’s heroine. "His uncles, godma and playgroup friends ... I really do have a great village supporting us so that I am able to focus on the more banal aspects of being a parent."
Deciding to be there for Jaan (also called Ziggy) meant Asha had to sell her apartment and move back in with her father, changing her life in almost every respect. Although her son has many male role models, he has only one Nanaji (grandfather). "And his Nanaji is definitely doting and larger than life to him!" she adds.
She wishes, though, that she could be one of those mothers who manages the school run and charity events with equal aplomb and still has time for hobbies and to cook gourmet dinners. The reality is, "Man, there are some days I can barely get through the whole day without wanting to bawl my eyes out and just go, 'God, this is so hard'.
"Women can only have it all if they are willing to compromise, otherwise they are lying." One good friend, who is single, works very hard and is successful, but has to accept the fact that someone else brings up her child during the week, she adds.
Mon, Dec 21, 2009
The Star/Asia News Network
Stigmatised for being an unwedded mum
by Jacqueline Pereira
"I GOT pregnant. I had a baby. I have no boyfriend. I’m not married. I have an amazing son. End of bloody story!"
When incessantly interrogated on her marital status by strangers, Asha Gill’s ripostes do not always quieten her questioners.
Once, a supermarket employee could not comprehend how Ms Gill could have a biological son without being married. Shopping with a toddler and a tantrum around the corner, Asha’s patience was running thin.
"Yes, I had sex with no husband ... terrible, isn't it? Look how I got punished!"
While everyone at the check-out line turned to stare at her as if she was a pariah for snapping, the answer apparently satisfied the grilling salesgirl, finally.
As an advocate of outspokenness, Asha has never been a simpering celebrity who conforms with conventions. To not express is to not participate. And to not participate is not living. That's not quite her mantra, although it is what she believes in.
I hear Asha’s raucous laugh before I see her. It's close to three years since we last met. Dressed in a floral top and skinny jeans, she is still all limbs and loud laughter.
Her hair is slightly askew and her face devoid of make-up. Perhaps there are a few more fine lines around her eyes and, like any other mother with a young baby, she moans that she’s always tired.
Not much, at least outwardly, has changed with TV’s one-time darling. With her Punjabi-English looks and a smart mouth to match, Asha’s career as a TV host took off with international exposure as Channel V's veejay and Singapore's The Weakest Link host, culminating in Lonely Planet’s Six Degrees. Other stints on ads, soaps, film and radio not only expanded her repertoire but also gave her opportunities to write, produce, and direct, as well as be a women’s rights activist.
Yet she admits to finding it a little strange that, as a media person who's a single mum, not married or divorced and not in a relationship, her status is more often than not ignored. Stranger still, she has all but disappeared from the scene.
"If I was in Australia or Britain, the media would have helped me change a lot for other single mums."
Still, her many fans remember her fondly.
"Everyone seems disappointed, though, when I say I have a new job - I'm a mother now," sighs Asha, "Then they go, 'Oh you mean you've stopped working, aaah?'"
"Most women are single mothers in a way, in our society," declares Asha, when asked about the toughest part of being one. She’s seen enough women who are married or with partners who basically take on the parenting role alone.
"For me, shouldering the whole weight of not screwing up is the most difficult. No one else to blame if my son goes mental at 16 because I didn’t buy him that Nintendo for his 10th birthday!"
Whatever their circumstances, she thinks there’s still a stigma to being a single mum because it is not a comfortable or easy box to tick. What doesn’t fit in with the majority and their "labels" results in fear, she adds, and this usually turns nice people into ignorant, rude jerks.
“If anything, we're just bloody exhausted women keeping our s*** together. We have no time for much else, let alone set traps to catch anything – men, jobs, sympathy or money.”
Asha’s initiation into motherhood was onerous. After being ill and in hospital for most of her pregnancy, she gave birth prematurely to Marjaan in 2007.
"I had no expectations, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. One throwback from his prematurity is that he still wakes up five to six times a night. So, apart from when my mum has him once or twice a month, it's been two years of no solid sleep."
She leans on her supportive family and friends.
"Having a baby out of wedlock was not the real consideration," she recalls of the initial reaction from them. "It was a surprise to all of us that I could and did get pregnant! In a very good way, never bad."
Her mother, who moved back to Malaysia from Britain, is her greatest support and her son’s heroine. "His uncles, godma and playgroup friends ... I really do have a great village supporting us so that I am able to focus on the more banal aspects of being a parent."
Deciding to be there for Jaan (also called Ziggy) meant Asha had to sell her apartment and move back in with her father, changing her life in almost every respect. Although her son has many male role models, he has only one Nanaji (grandfather). "And his Nanaji is definitely doting and larger than life to him!" she adds.
She wishes, though, that she could be one of those mothers who manages the school run and charity events with equal aplomb and still has time for hobbies and to cook gourmet dinners. The reality is, "Man, there are some days I can barely get through the whole day without wanting to bawl my eyes out and just go, 'God, this is so hard'.
"Women can only have it all if they are willing to compromise, otherwise they are lying." One good friend, who is single, works very hard and is successful, but has to accept the fact that someone else brings up her child during the week, she adds.
