‘I’m secretly seeing a friend of my dad’s – but we can’t keep creeping around’
Annabel Rivkin and Emilie McMeekan
Sun, 13 August 2023 at 10:00 am GMT+1·4-min read
'You are only 26. It’s a romance. Who knows what the future may bring'
Dear A&E,
I’m 26 and my boyfriend is 51, which would surprise lots of my friends – and his – if they knew about our relationship.We are serious about each other but the reason no one knows is because he is a friend of my father’s. It’s been going on since my dad’s 50th six months ago and I realise that we can’t carry on creeping around. I just feel so nervous about hurting my parents who have always been so brilliant to me.
- Nervous
Dear Nervous,
Children surprise their parents constantly. It’s part of the unutterable joy and sheer terror stitched into the privilege of raising another human being. We think our children belong to us but perhaps, ultimately, we belong to them. We are rendered so vulnerable by our deep concern about their wellbeing.
They shock us when they arrive – already entirely who they are. They astound us as they thrive. They astonish us when they veer off course. We are amazed by their successes, overwhelmed by their challenges and jolted by their decisions. Yes, this is a tricky situation. Of course you feel nervous. How wonderful that they have always been brilliant to you. What makes you think they’re going to stop being brilliant now?
Secrets are rarely healthy. Secrets are different from discretion and privacy. Secrets are about covering up. Often titillating to begin with, they can grow until they are made up of just… lies. We can see how this might have happened. You’re at your father’s party. “Gosh, this man is really fun to talk to – in fact, this is the best conversation I can remember having. Weird that it’s with him. Wait, is he flirting? Hang on, am I flirting? Should we go for that coffee to talk about whatever it may be? No point telling anyone, they’ll think it’s strange…” And you’re off. And something you thought would be temporary – a mere match strike – begins to blaze with an air of permanency.
All you can do now is give your parents the information and allow them time to process it. You formed an unexpected connection with this man. You both made the decision to explore that connection. You never intended to lie or creep around but it unfolded in a way neither of you had anticipated. You cannot police or manage their reaction. You can’t beg them to be happy for you. They will probably have visions of you being deprived of the opportunity to have children (not true, of course); of you nursing an old man in your prime; of them being judged by your unfortunate choices; of your youth being taken advantage of and wasted; of a power imbalance whereby you are taken hostage by his wisdom and experience while he is taken hostage by the elasticity of your skin. But we will say this to you and when the time is right you might communicate something of this to them: you are only 26. It’s a romance. Who knows what the future may bring.
One of the complications with this kind of relationship is that, because of the perceived drama around them, people assume that you are making a decision that will affect the rest of your life. The pressure might start to convince you that you have to take some kind of meaningful stand in order to defend the preciousness of this connection and show the world (and yourself) that it’s worth all this pain. Be careful not to find yourself shrieking, “But he’s the love of my life and I can’t live without him!” You may think that. We all think that when we’re in love but we are both extremely grateful that we are not married to the people we were involved with when we were 26.
Equally the pressure and panic might ignite a defensive flare in you which could see you co-opting their feelings of worry and possible anger and repurposing them in your own defence: “How dare you say you’re disappointed! You’ve never made me feel that I’m good enough.” Let them cope however they cope. They may be brilliant but they’re also parents and it may be challenging for them – initially – to find some perspective on this situation.
In many ways the risk – in confessing this relationship – is greater to your boyfriend than to you. To some extent – depending on the point of view – his reputation is on the line. It would be easy to frame his involvement with you as the behaviour of a salivating old manipulator. Age gaps can be entirely manageable and couples with age differences greater than yours can thrive. But age gaps will tend to complicate things… Look after yourself. Stay close to your parents as they work through this. See lots of friends.
Remember you are 26 and, even though he may be the love of your life, it is your life. Tread carefully, Nervous. Do not tread on your own dreams.
