This is how we do it: ‘As we’ve aged, we’ve adapted: we now love morning sex’
As told to Kitty DrakeSat, 1 July 2023 at 7:00 pm SGT·4-min read
Audrey, 62
Clyde and I have been together for 42 years, and have always been imaginative about the way we connect.
When we lived abroad we used to have tantric massages together. We would lie side by side looking each other in the eye while the masseuse massaged us in a sexual way. Fantasy is important to both of us. In a marriage, you have to give your partner the freedom to imagine sex with other people. I have had terrible crushes over the years, but I wouldn’t want an open relationship because I would be heartbroken if Clyde developed an emotional connection to another woman. A bit of flirting is OK, though.
I once came perilously close to having an affair. I don’t know whether Clyde has cheated – I have never asked directly. I have always been intrigued by the idea of giving into lust. Having sex with someone else and it being purely about sex. No emotional connection. But is that even possible? I might see something delicious in the shop window, but I’ve learned it’s always best to eat at home.
In my fantasies I am always the star; completely irresistible to men. Perhaps that’s why I don’t fantasise as much as I used to. It’s harder to sell that fantasy to myself now I’m in my 60s – but I’ve still got big boobs and a small waist.
These days tantric massages and crushes happen less frequently. My libido has tailed off a bit and Clyde takes antidepressants, which has had an impact on his ability to have an orgasm. When Clyde started experiencing that side-effect, it made me insecure. I worried that by suggesting sex I was just being selfish. Did he still want it? But I have accepted that even though Clyde doesn’t come, we still experience a lot of pleasure in bed together. He obviously still enjoys sex because a lot of the time he initiates.
The secret of our longevity is that from the very beginning, we have liked each other as much as we have loved each other. Clyde is very funny and we laugh a lot. And he’s very affectionate. I remember the first time I went to stay with his family, I was stunned that his dad kissed all his sons goodnight. Clyde taught me the value of non-sexual intimacy, which is just as crucial to my happiness as sexual intimacy. Having sex is great, but it’s not crucial – it’s more like the cherry on the cake.
Clyde, 62
I think it’s perfectly natural to have crushes on other people. When I first met Audrey, I didn’t just stop fancying other women. I haven’t stopped fancying other women until now. I can go as far as to fantasise about my crush while I’m having sex with Audrey, and I think Audrey has thought about her crushes, too.
If your crush is somebody you both know, it’s best not to talk about them during sex but thinking about them can be helpful. If you are missing something in your marriage – if you’re feeling unloved – then those attractions can turn into something more dangerous. But if you’re fully satisfied then it’s harmless and fun.
Perhaps the main thing that has changed in our sex life is that I am no longer able to have an orgasm. I’ve been taking antidepressants since my late 30s and that is one of the side effects. It’s ironic because I was actually a premature ejaculator when I first met Audrey. At first, the drugs just made it take significantly longer to come, so it was beneficial: Audrey and I would have these mammoth sex sessions. But as I’ve grown older, it has got to the stage where I never climax. It’s been frustrating, but we’ve adapted. Luckily I’m really skilled at foreplay – when I was a premature ejaculator I had to be!
Audrey and I used to think that afternoon sex was the most decadent, but now we love doing it in the morning. We are big on intimacy, and start each morning and end each evening with a 30-minute spooning session. That morning spoon might lead to sex. But it doesn’t have to. To cuddle and to kiss is wonderful. It’s our daily ritual, although we no longer sleep in the same bed. I’m a troubled sleeper so we have separate rooms. Also Audrey likes to sleep with the cat, which I don’t.
