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Coffeeshop Chit Chat - 151st bitch: I only settle for Mr RIGHT</TD><TD id=msgunetc noWrap align=right> </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE class=msgtable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="96%"><TBODY><TR><TD class=msg vAlign=top><TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR class=msghead><TD class=msgbfr1 width="1%"> </TD><TD><TABLE border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR class=msghead vAlign=top><TD class=msgF width="1%" noWrap align=right>From: </TD><TD class=msgFname width="68%" noWrap>kojakbt_89 <NOBR></NOBR> </TD><TD class=msgDate width="30%" noWrap align=right>Aug-21 10:17 pm </TD></TR><TR class=msghead><TD class=msgT height=20 width="1%" noWrap align=right>To: </TD><TD class=msgTname width="68%" noWrap>ALL <NOBR></NOBR></TD><TD class=msgNum noWrap align=right> (1 of 13) </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR><TR><TD class=msgleft rowSpan=4 width="1%"> </TD><TD class=wintiny noWrap align=right>37827.1 </TD></TR><TR><TD height=8></TD></TR><TR><TD class=msgtxt>Aug 22, 2010
Why settle for less than your ideal?
<!-- by line -->By Amanda Tan
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I don't want to settle for 'just good enough'.
I don't want to fall for just anyone or make exceptions simply to get hitched.
But it seems that that is exactly what young adults of my generation are being encouraged to do, at least according to the latest Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS) campaign to try to get young singles to date.
Although the campaign is still in its planning stages, the tender for a communications agency to design the campaign made the suggestion that young adults 'moderate' their expectations of a partner.
But I don't want to fall for anyone less than ideal.
When I was growing up, my girlfriends and I had a checklist of what we wanted our perfect man to be. We'd measure and evaluate each boyfriend against that list to see how they matched up.
We wanted our guy to be cute, tall and who participated in a cool co-curricular activity. Coming from a good school wouldn't hurt, either.
Of course, none of us managed to get that guy as it was probably an unrealistic, and, in retrospect, frivolous set of criteria.
The guys we dated all fell short of at least one or two standards. But we still went out with them anyway, because we could forgive bad dress sense as long as the guy had a cute smile and a voice that made us swoon.
Now that we are a bit older - and perhaps a bit wiser - we have adjusted our set of requirements to more practical ones. These include being committed, being able to hold a good conversation, being financially stable and sharing similar values.
This set of criteria is no less difficult to fulfil than my teenage one. But this time, it is non-bargainable.
Sure, if people 'moderate' - which is really to lower - their expectations of their partners, MCYS' plan to get more couples dating, and eventually, to marry, would work.
But perhaps doing so would make the relationships poorer for it.
At first, it might seem easy to compromise or overlook certain things. But in the long run, lowered expectations will come back to pose problems and create resentment.
When one or both parties settle for less, it is not really an acceptance of the perceived flaws of the other. It is merely a temporary compromise. One or both parties may still harbour hopes to fulfil that particular want and this creates a perfect set-up for discontentment.
With time, when they realise that nothing is going to change, the parties get disgruntled and are more likely to bolt.
If the MCYS campaign succeeds, marriage rates may well increase, but I'm less optimistic that couples will stay together. This leads to other social problems such as broken families, insecure children and a cynical approach to love.
Arguably, couples who see in each other their perfect Mr or Ms Right are also up against such threats. Yet, I feel they are better equipped to weather such storms, because there is no residual resentment from having to compromise or bury certain hopes.
Seeing some of my friends who, like me, are in their early 20s, go through their relationships has made me realise the importance of sticking to my ideals.
A good friend recently pulled out from a long, loving and committed relationship. It was a difficult decision for her - but one I presume was a long time in the making. She left him because he could not quit smoking, despite repeated promises and vows to try.
Right from the outset, she knew it was a habit she could not live with. But she had thought she would be able to change him.
She did not succeed. Four years and many promises later, it was goodbye.
One does not have to be bratty and unrealistic - learning to compromise is a good thing - but not when it comes to the really important things. The make-or-break criteria, in other words.
Often, when people settle for less, they think to themselves, this is as good as I can get, and shudder at the thought of losing hold of what they see as a safety net.
But when a relationship becomes that - a safety net - it does not serve its full purpose to be enriching or one that helps both parties grow.
Singles should not be afraid of holding out or waiting for the right one to come along. Good partners aren't in short supply, if we only bother to look around.
My friends who once feared that they would not find a better guy than the one they had previously, are now in stronger and more fulfilling relationships. This, after they dared to stick to their ideals in their search for a partner.
It might take a while, but I believe it is worth the wait.
When it comes to finding a partner, there is no such thing as the right time, only the right one.
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Why settle for less than your ideal?
<!-- by line -->By Amanda Tan
<!-- end by line -->
<!-- end left side bar -->
I don't want to settle for 'just good enough'.
I don't want to fall for just anyone or make exceptions simply to get hitched.
But it seems that that is exactly what young adults of my generation are being encouraged to do, at least according to the latest Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS) campaign to try to get young singles to date.
Although the campaign is still in its planning stages, the tender for a communications agency to design the campaign made the suggestion that young adults 'moderate' their expectations of a partner.
But I don't want to fall for anyone less than ideal.
When I was growing up, my girlfriends and I had a checklist of what we wanted our perfect man to be. We'd measure and evaluate each boyfriend against that list to see how they matched up.
We wanted our guy to be cute, tall and who participated in a cool co-curricular activity. Coming from a good school wouldn't hurt, either.
Of course, none of us managed to get that guy as it was probably an unrealistic, and, in retrospect, frivolous set of criteria.
The guys we dated all fell short of at least one or two standards. But we still went out with them anyway, because we could forgive bad dress sense as long as the guy had a cute smile and a voice that made us swoon.
Now that we are a bit older - and perhaps a bit wiser - we have adjusted our set of requirements to more practical ones. These include being committed, being able to hold a good conversation, being financially stable and sharing similar values.
This set of criteria is no less difficult to fulfil than my teenage one. But this time, it is non-bargainable.
Sure, if people 'moderate' - which is really to lower - their expectations of their partners, MCYS' plan to get more couples dating, and eventually, to marry, would work.
But perhaps doing so would make the relationships poorer for it.
At first, it might seem easy to compromise or overlook certain things. But in the long run, lowered expectations will come back to pose problems and create resentment.
When one or both parties settle for less, it is not really an acceptance of the perceived flaws of the other. It is merely a temporary compromise. One or both parties may still harbour hopes to fulfil that particular want and this creates a perfect set-up for discontentment.
With time, when they realise that nothing is going to change, the parties get disgruntled and are more likely to bolt.
If the MCYS campaign succeeds, marriage rates may well increase, but I'm less optimistic that couples will stay together. This leads to other social problems such as broken families, insecure children and a cynical approach to love.
Arguably, couples who see in each other their perfect Mr or Ms Right are also up against such threats. Yet, I feel they are better equipped to weather such storms, because there is no residual resentment from having to compromise or bury certain hopes.
Seeing some of my friends who, like me, are in their early 20s, go through their relationships has made me realise the importance of sticking to my ideals.
A good friend recently pulled out from a long, loving and committed relationship. It was a difficult decision for her - but one I presume was a long time in the making. She left him because he could not quit smoking, despite repeated promises and vows to try.
Right from the outset, she knew it was a habit she could not live with. But she had thought she would be able to change him.
She did not succeed. Four years and many promises later, it was goodbye.
One does not have to be bratty and unrealistic - learning to compromise is a good thing - but not when it comes to the really important things. The make-or-break criteria, in other words.
Often, when people settle for less, they think to themselves, this is as good as I can get, and shudder at the thought of losing hold of what they see as a safety net.
But when a relationship becomes that - a safety net - it does not serve its full purpose to be enriching or one that helps both parties grow.
Singles should not be afraid of holding out or waiting for the right one to come along. Good partners aren't in short supply, if we only bother to look around.
My friends who once feared that they would not find a better guy than the one they had previously, are now in stronger and more fulfilling relationships. This, after they dared to stick to their ideals in their search for a partner.
It might take a while, but I believe it is worth the wait.
When it comes to finding a partner, there is no such thing as the right time, only the right one.
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